Vampire Humor Quotes & Sayings
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Top Vampire Humor Quotes

Before you go,mate,turn on the telly. Something raunchy too. Think I'll rub off one before I go to sleep — Jeaniene Frost

We'd better get. But y'all have a nice night,' I say. Apparently, fear turns me Texan. A startling personality insight that I'll jot down later if I'm not dead in a ditch. — A.M. Robinson

I had two cups of coffee, put Eric's jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of the New Year was 'exsanguinate.' This was probably not a good omen. — Charlaine Harris

That's it? That's all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations?" Marshall smirked. "Woe is me. — Sophie Avett

I'm glad to know you have a sense of humor." "I'm a vampire, not a zombie." "Good to know. — Chloe Neill

What did you think was going to ensue when you chose Hagan's big ass to train me? That guy is wicked fierce and a total badass. — J.L. McCoy

Doug returned five minutes later and shook his head. "Sorry kid. She's single, but she doesn't think you're her type. She's into the Goth and vampire scene. You're too mainstream for her." I was sipping a glass of water and nearly choked on it.
"That," said Peter, as soon as Doug was gone, "is what we call irony."
"How is that possible?" exclaimed Cody. "I am a vampire. I should be exactly what she wants."
"Yeah, but you don't look like one," I said. If Gabrielle had been a Trekkie, he might have had a shot tonight. — Richelle Mead

Illium, his expression subdued as it had been for too many days, turned to her. "Mind if I have a go?"
"Kick his ass."
Stripping off his shirt and boots, Illium held out his hand for one of Venom's blades. Lips curving, Venom passed it over. "Sure you can handle me, pretty, pretty Bluebell?"
"Did I ever tell you about my snakeskin boots?" A savage grin, and she knew Venom was about to bear the brunt of whatever haunted the blue-winged angel.
Venom swirled his blade in hand. "I do think I need some new feathers for my pillow. — Nalini Singh

Oh hell no," he exclaimed, shaking his head. "I'm not playing Buffy the goddamn Vampire Slayer with you. — D.L. Wainright

I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts. — Jim Butcher

His icy lovecicle pressed against her dewy portal, demanding admittance to her passion chamber. How did a guy with no heartbeat, no pulse, get an erection? Who cares? — Nine Naughty Novelists

I'm trying to be diplomatic. The wisdom of my ass is well-known. If I didn't lip off to them, after shooting my mouth off to faerie queens and Vampire Courts
plural, Courts
demigods and demon lords, they might get their feelings hurt. — Jim Butcher

I got the sneaking suspicion that the vampire was a couple of Peeps short of an Easter basket. — Jim Butcher

Count yourself fortunate." He made an elegant sweep of his hand toward the sun. "Daylight does not make them turn to ash, but they become bloody damn infants, whinging on about irritated eyes and sluggish limbs and so forth. — Lynn Viehl

Yeah, sure. You know I can't stand the sight of blood, right?"
"Said no one ever while dating a vampire," he quipped
"Very clever. Ten points to Gryffindor. — Kristi Cook

You hunt and catch your own food. Am I correct?"
"We are fierce predators of the night," DeChevue said proudly.
Edwin tried again, "You hunt and gather your own food?"
DeChevue still didn't get it. "Yes, M'sieur. We hunt, proudly."
"You know, there is a special name for people who have to catch and kill everything they eat."
"And that name has been the terror of the night from the dawn of man. Which name would you like? I can supply many. Nosferatu? Das Vampire?"
"Peasant," Edwin said. "A person who has to provide all his own food is a peasant. How is it that you have lived all this time and are still ignorant of the division of labor?"
DeChevue's mouth opened and closed several times. Each time he seemed on the verge of saying something, yet each time words failed him. — Patrick E. McLean

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn't keep my hands or lips off of him. "God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted."
He laughed. "That's something the vampire should be saying to you, not the other way around. — Tish Thawer

Silly me, thinking you actually had potential. I thought, Finally, she's realized she's a vampire. Now we're getting somewhere. But now you're just a big fluffy bunny with sharp teeth. — Julie Kagawa

All tha' effin' an' blindin' she was doin'...I ain't never seen tha' likes. Ya' made a right hames wit dis' wan, Athair. If she 'ad been one of us, I'da put fifty quid on 'er. She was after ya' bollox, she was! — J.L. McCoy

The vampire blood running around in their systems isn't natural, so whenever Henry or Grace get a cut, no matter how minor, their bodies can't produce more blood. It's up to Madeline to come replenish it from her own supply, another process that I'm told is (ha-ha) draining. — M.L. Brennan

WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? THE MAN'S A VAMPIRE!
Yeah, but he's a really, REALLY sexy one. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

She's a sort of human vampire-bat — P.G. Wodehouse

When you f*** a Vampire, you get a free hat. — Daven Anderson

Yeah, I write Urban Fantasy, but its more like Die Hard or Indiana Jones with Fairies, Mummies and a Vampire who uses guns more than his teeth. — Kevin James Breaux

He is the dark prince. The all-powerful one. The leader of the creatures of the night."
Then Meena said, "I'm confused then. I thought the prince of darkness was the devil."
[ ... ]
"Wait," Meena said, blinking. " Are you saying ... "
"Yes," Alaric said. "That is exactly what I'm saying."
Jon looked blank. "I don't understand. Is he the devil or not?"
"Lucien Antonescu," Alaric said. "is a vampire. Not just any vampire, but the ruler of all vampires. — Meg Cabot

You know ... acting like a dick ... won't make yours any bigger. — J.L. McCoy

What's your name?' she asked, and surprised herself. But for some reason, she wanted to know.
Dean's brother - he hadn't been just some nameless Bad Guy Number Four. This vampire wasn't, either. He had a name, a history, maybe even people who cared what happened to him.
'My name is none of your business,' he said, and continued to stare out the window, even though there was nothing but blurry brick out there.
'Can I call you None for short? — Rachel Caine

I entered his apartment without being invited, which is perfectly fine if you're not a vampire. — Lisa Lutz

Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did he have to stand so close, and why did I still love him so much? — Jeaniene Frost

Nina looked up, her eyes fixing on mine with such ferocity I could almost see the undead vampire in them.
"There is something under here," she said, and I shivered.
"Yeah, we know, dirt nap," Jenks said.
"Rachel already told us. — Kim Harrison

Yes you can let a guy bite you but not on the first date! he has to pay for dinner ! But you can bite him on the first date at no cost that is quite normal — Amy Mah

The [coat] rack above his head like a javelin.
On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?"
Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful."
"Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats. — Cassandra Clare

Am I still married to a cat? (Adrian) — Richelle Mead

What about you? If I asked you ... would you turn me?"
Faith's eyes went wide. "Turn you into a vampire?"
"No, turn me into a frog. Could you do it?"
Faith finished her beer in one long swallow. "I might be able to, physically. But I wouldn't."
Miranda had known she would say that, but still, her heart sank. "Why not?"
She laughed. "Because my boss would kill me. — Dianne Sylvan

But just to make sure, I went down to the library, switched on the computer and typed 'vampire vs. werewolf fight winner' into the Google search browser.
The machine whirred for zero point twenty-three seconds before it came up with some four million results. Obviously, I wasn't the only nutter interested in this stuff. I clicked on the first link and groaned. Over sixty per cent thought a werewolf would kick a vamp's ass any time. Dammit! — Jayde Scott

Check it out-this is a copy of a painting of a Greek High Priestess named Calliope. it says she was also the Poet Laureate after Sappho. Doesn't she look exactly like Cher?'
Wow, that's insane. She does look just like young Cher,' Erin said.
Yeah, before she started wearing those white wigs. What the hell's up with that?' Shaunee said.
Damien gave the Twins a look. 'There is nothing wrong with Cher. Absolutely. Nothing.'
Uh-oh,' Shaunee said.
Stepped on a gay nerve,' Erin agreed. — P.C. Cast

Nick: How? Are you a vampire or something? What made you immortal?
Acheron: Real good DNA. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

It had been a contest between the vampire and an Uzi. The Uzi had won. — D.B. Reynolds

Kidnapped by a vampire, death by a squid. How tragic. — Abigail Gibbs

I mean, electric shock? Isn't that a bit ... electric shock-y? — Emmett Spain

I'm faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I'm a vampire," Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. "If you get in trouble, I'll be there."
"Nice," Shane said. "I'm warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey."
"No, you're not."
"Okay, no, I'm not, but right now let's pretend I am. — Rachel Caine

Bite me, Goth princess," Shane called from the back. "Not literally or anything."
"Maybe you should say that to Michael."
"Not funny, Eve," Michael said.
Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. "Little bit," she said. — Rachel Caine

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say,
Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that. — Rachel Caine

House of Krahr!" the vampire with the banner barked quietly.
"Krahr," the other four vampires exhaled and glared at me.
Usually they roared their house name at the top of their lungs, trying to intimidate ... Oh. They were trying to be inconspicuous. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. I'd never had an attempt at intimidation whispered at me before.
"My lord, why are you wearing trench coats?"
"We must blend in," he said. "This is a covert operation."
Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh ... "It's very hot," I said. "Trench coats are a cold-weather garment. — Ilona Andrews

That's rich, coming from you, Hellcat, I would've thought it was impossible for a Vampire to get grey hairs until I met you! (Alexander) — Sharon Hannaford

Was this a bad thing for a Christian to be doing? Probably. On the other hand, it had never occurred to me to ask the Methodist minister if he had a ritual in place to sever a blood bond between a woman and a vampire. — Charlaine Harris

I don't want to be your snack, your chew-toy, your fuck-buddy. Find a vampire to sink your fang into. — Nalini Singh

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas. — Neil Gaiman

My God," Davis said, shaking his head. "The tools of the modern vampire hunter - electric lights and cocaine. — Simon Clark

It didn't feel sporting to shoot at a crazy person, even if that person was a vampire who'd agreed to the job. — Gail Carriger

I left the Shire,
got 7 outstanding N.E.W.T.'s
and became a Vampire;
Because Winter is Coming... — Various

Icy glares from vampires are far icier than icy glares from people and when the vampire giving you an icy glare is originally from Iceland, you're confronted with the archetypal origin of the term, and you shouldn't be surprised if your core body temperature drops a few degrees. — Kevin Hearne

Here," Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. "Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone." He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. "I'll be your hands."
She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good. — Rachel Caine

They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate.
"Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on."
"They're for fighting, not fashion."
"So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan."
"And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off."
Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me. — J.R. Ward

You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch)
Said the SIG to the Glock. (V) — J.R. Ward

You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."
Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."
Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."
It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it. — J.R. Ward

Well, friend, I don't know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody," Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. "Have we been introduced?"
"Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?"
"You're not my type, darling. Is this one yours?"
"No," Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. "Let's say she's a friend of the family. — Rachel Caine

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. "Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you're not a vampire, you're clearly the most anemic goth I've ever seen." ... "We believed you. Because that's what friends do."
pg267 October to Vlad — Heather Brewer

I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me."
"I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere," I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.
"Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham? — Molly Harper

Amelie said, "I won't be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals." She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. "Now defend what is ours, my partner."
He grinned ... grinned! ... and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked. — Rachel Caine

What would a Mohammedan vampire do if faced with a cross? — Richard Matheson

Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid. — Kim Harrison

Tell you what, you let me go, and I'll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I'm slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me. — J.R. Ward

A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel's End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door swung shut behind Jenks, sealing us in the warm air smelling faintly of smoke. Immediately Nick yanked it open to come in behind us. And there's the punch line. — Kim Harrison

The second time, I had a freakin' vampire at my back." I froze. Oh shit. "No offense, Mr. Moreau," I quickly added.
"None taken, Agent Fraser. During the course of my lengthy life, I have been called many things, but 'freakin' has never been one of them. I'll consider it a novelty. — Lisa Shearin

There are a lot of movies with vampires and monsters and super-great effects, but if there's no humor or human relations, I don't think it's ever worth seeing. — Harald Zwart

There were a few things scarier than a bipolar vampire off his meds, but to be honest, not that many. — Rachel Caine

You're sure he's not a vampire?' Claire said.'I've seen movies. They're sneaky.' She was kidding. Eve didn't smile. — Rachel Caine

The batteries in his radio died and came back so often they could have had regular roles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. — Nevada Barr

That's funny. You would think after being followed and shoved into a dark alley by a stranger, you would be at least a little shaken. Don't tell me, you are a black belt just waiting for the perfect moment to strike." He laughed soundlessly. "I mean your words do sound brave but your eyes and the fact that you're trembling like a scared little kitten say something else entirely." Even though the alley was submerged in darkness and shadows, it was obvious there was a devilish grin stretched across his face ... — Nicole Rae

In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn't try to make me his next meal. — Rose Wynters

It's not wrong to hustle hustlers. It's like killing murderers, a public service. -Damon Salvatore — L.J.Smith

Ransom really looked at the other man for the first time, shook his head, stared again."Holy hell, your eyes are like a fucking viper's."
Venom raised an eyebrow."You have hair prettier than one of Astaad's concubines."
Ransom gave the vampire the finger.
Venom grinned. — Nalini Singh

What were you chanting when you gave me your blood?"
"More of my vampire magic. I cast a healing spell to aid the powers of my blood."
She sniffled, her nose stuffy. "It was better than Vicodin."
"Vicodin?"
"A painkiller from my world."
"A killer of pain. Did you love him?" The words were growled.A burst of unexpected humor gave her strength. "No. In fact, he was hard to shake. He, uh, stalked me, that kind of thing. I had to pretend he didn't
exist."
Nicolai kissed her temple and relaxed against her. — Gena Showalter

Kitty need's a tounge bath — Jeaniene Frost

It's the other part I'm not so sure about. You got any advice for me on that, Lucan?"
"Sure." The vampire grunted, his smile filled with dark amusement. "Dust off your knees, brother, because you may damn well end up walking on them before the night is through. — Lara Adrian

About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him
which I assumed was wildly out of his control
that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me. — The Harvard Lampoon

Well, at first I was thinking we could challenge them to a few rounds of Scattergories, but then I realized fighting would be way more emotionally satisfying. -Buffy — Brian K. Vaughan

Since I can't turn into a bat and fly, I'll still need my bus pass — Daven Anderson

It's about time! It's supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon. — Karen Chance

What kind of monster are you anyway? You should be more humane, Gennady!"
"I was humane when I was alive," said the vampire. — Sergei Lukyanenko

He's not feeling well," Clary said, catching at Simon's wrist. "We're going."
"No," Simon said. "No, I - I need to talk to him. To the Inquisitor."
Robert reached into his jacket and drew out a crucifix. Clary stared in shock as he held it up between himself and Simon. "I speak to the Night's Children Council representative, or to the head of the New York clan," he said. "Not to any vampire who comes to knock at my door - "
Simon reached out and plucked the cross out of Robert's hand. "Wrong religion," he said. — Cassandra Clare

I paused in the act of opening the door and looked at him with what were probably cartoon-wide eyes. "Wait a second," I said. "So, you're best friends with a hot vampire chick who likes leather."
"Yeah."
"And together, you fight crime?" I couldn't help it. I cracked up. — Rachel Caine

He gives me the hairy eyeball, and asks me to help him find his pancreas. — A. Lee Martinez

Elliott performed a dance called the Dance of the Twenty-Eight Veils in Times Square. It is on YouTube. Many commenters described it as the most boring erotic dance ever performed in the history of the world. I have never been so embarrassed in my unlife. I'm thinking of quitting being leader of the clan and becoming a vampire nun. — Cassandra Clare

Is there a particular reason you keep biting vampires?"
Will touched the dried blood on his wrists, and smiled. "They don't expect it."
"Of course they don't. They know what happens when one of us consumes vampire blood. They probably
expect you to have more sense."
"That expectation never seems to serve them very well, does it? — Cassandra Clare

Isabelle glanced back at them. "They're staring at you. Maybe their master died and they're looking for another vampire to own them. You could have pets." She grinned.
"Or," Simon said ,"maybe they're here for the hash browns. — Cassandra Clare

Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that. -Aphrodite — P.C. Cast

To read makes our speaking English good. — Joss Whedon

Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her.
She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck ... but it was just a hug.
His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead."
Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich. — Rachel Caine

She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not ... you know, better."
"Define BETTER with that guy."
"Not all fangs and raaaaar. — Rachel Caine

A bright haze seemed to lie over everything, and she had a feeling of unreality, but the scene itself looked almost unbelievably wholesome, like something out of a commercial. Just your average family sitting down to eat turkey, she thought. One slightly flustered aunt, worried that the peas will be mushy and the rolls burnt, one comfortable uncle-to-be, one golden-haired teenage niece and her baby sister. One blue-eyed boy-next-door type, one spritely girlfriend, one gorgeous vampire passing the vegetables. A typical American household. — L.J.Smith

Maybe Dracula wasn't a vampire, just a raging alcoholic who was constantly hungover. — Krystal Sutherland

My dearest girl,' said the vampire finally, examining Lord Maccon with an exhausted but appreciative eye, 'such a banquet. Never been one to favor werewolves myself, but he is very well equipped, now, is he not?'
Miss Tarabotti gave him an arch look. 'My goodies,' she warned.
Humans,' chuckled the vampire, 'so possessive. — Gail Carriger

But I love YOU, Edweird. Sure, I'll probably hook up with Yakob in Eclipse. After all, you're going to leave me for roughly three hundred pages. But that's neither here nor there. You and I were meant to be together. I mean you, me and sometimes Yakob ... and sometimes just Yakob and me, but mostly you and me. That's just the way I always dreamed it should be, you want to marry me. We'll marry."
"Hmmm," said Edweird thoughtfully after a long pause. "You know, I'm actually getting kind of tired of Yakob, if you want to know the truth. I mean, seriously, going steady with the same guy for half a century can make a stale relationship. Maybe it's time we see other people. You really set me straight on this, Stella. I want to thank you for makin me see this whole vampire-werewolf relationship thing more clearly."
Edweird then turned to Yakob, who had remained silent throughout. "It's over between us, toots. — Stephen Jenner

Playing with fire Kitten? — Jeaniene Frost

Only one comment seemed to perfectly fit her current situation. "I see dead people."
He leaned forward hands on his hips. "Me too. It's the only explanation for what's standing in front of me. Unless some high school kids broke into the anatomy closet and stole the classroom skeleton, stretched some cadaver skin over that bitch then cast an ancient ritual to animate it." She laughed. For as much as she now disliked the bastard she had to admit he was amusing. "Did they do the same to that shit you're wearing? You do realize it's 2008 right?" She raised a hand. "Wait let me see if I can reach you using your own language. You do ken 'tis year of our Lord two thousand and eight aye? — Jennifer Turner