Undertaker Best Quotes & Sayings

To The Undertaker or Friends Who Open This Coffin:

After laying back the lid of the coffin, remove entirely the pads from the sides of the face, as they are intended merely to steady the head in traveling. If there be any discharge of liquid from the eyes, nose, or mouth, which often occurs from the constant shaking of the cars, wipe it off gently with a soft piece of cotton cloth, slightly moistened.

This body was received by us for embalmment in a condition and the natural condition is preserved. Embalming was/was not possible.

After removing the coffin lid, leave it off for some time and let the body have the air.

Dr. Jupiter Jones, Embalmer & Keeper of the Dead — Edison McDaniels

She who pays the undertaker calls the tune. — Margaret Atwood

He feared that beyond the quilted gray satin of the undertaker's keep there was only a world of mystery that bypassed the comprehension of men and did not even take them into consideration. A world of utter darkness and the profoundest of silences. — William Gay

Do not despair - many are happy much of the time; more eat than starve, more are healthy than sick, more curable than dying; not so many dying as dead; and one of the thieves was saved. Hell's bells and all's well - half the world is at peace with itself, and so is the other half; vast areas are unpolluted; millions of children grow up without suffering deprivation, and millions, while deprived, grow up without suffering cruelties, and millions, while deprived and cruelly treated, none the less grow up. No laughter is sad and many tears are joyful. At the graveside the undertaker doffs his top hat and impregnates the prettiest mourner. Wham, bam, thank you Sam. — Tom Stoppard

Kurt Angle and Randy Orton were great guys to work with. The Undertaker was great to work with, believe it or not, because of the height difference. But overall, my number one choice is Eddie Guerrero, and that's because without him, Rey Mysterio wouldn't be at the level that he was in WWE. — Oscar Gutierrez

Be afraid ... be VERY afraid! — The Undertaker

Apathy is about as near to the undertaker as you can get. — Arlene Francis

Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it. And Scrooge's name was good upon 'Change for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail. — Charles Dickens

UNDERTAKER!" the head boomed. "BOY, DO I HAVE A JOB FOR YOU! — Tom Upton

Why don't you say "What?" if you like to sleep with your own sister. — The Undertaker

Chapter 1

I was sitting in Tina's Sunset Restaurant, watching the outriggers shuffle lazily through the clear waters of Sabang Bay, when Tomboy took a seat opposite me, ordered a San Miguel from Tina's daughter, and told me someone else had to die. It was five o'clock in the afternoon, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and up until that point I'd been in a good mood.

I told him I didn't want to kill people anymore, that it was a part of my past I didn't want to be reminded of, and he replied that he understood all that, but once again we needed the money. 'It's just the way the cookie crumbles.' he added, with the sort of bullshit 'I share your suffering' expression an undertaker might give to one of his customer's relatives. Tomboy Darke was my business partner and a man with a cliche for every occasion, including murder. — Simon Kernick

In the country, a good he-snowstorm makes a lovely design for putting on a holiday greetings card. In the city it just makes an infernal mess for the street-cleaning department to wrestle with. ... By midday of next day it would be licked to a custard - molten into puddles of foggy slush where cellar furnaces exhaled their hot breath up out of sidewalk gratings, roiled and fouled and crunched down beneath the heels and the tires of the town, flung up in crumply billows by the conscripted shovel crews, and under the park trees and on the park meadows would show a stark and grayish cast like the face of a grimy pauper whose corpse the undertaker scanted. And the longer it stayed there the sootier and the dirtier and the deader-looking it would get to be. You may worry the city with your winter weathers; you cannot keep her licked for any great length of time. — Irvin S. Cobb

When a doctor refuses money, even the most ethical ones, you usually start driving a good bargain with the undertaker. — Sue Sanders

You can call for the cook, call for the baker, you may as well call for the undertaker. — Maya Angelou

It is not enough to say the crow flies purposefully, or heavily, or rowingly, or whatever. There are no words to capture the infinite depth of crowiness in the crow's flight. All we can do is use a word as an indicator, or a whole bunch of words as a general directive. But the ominous thing in the crow's flight, the bare-faced, bandit thing, the tattered beggarly gipsy thing, the caressing and shaping yet slightly clumsy gesture of the down-stroke, as if the wings were both too heavy and too powerful, and the headlong sort of merriment, the macabre pantomime ghoulishness and the undertaker sleekness - you could go on for a very long time with phrases of that sort and still have completely missed your instant, glimpse knowledge of the world of the crow's wingbeat. And a bookload of such descriptions is immediately rubbish when you look up and see the crow flying. — Ted Hughes

I've crippled more people than polio. — The Undertaker

I don't want to go into a fridge at an undertaker's. I want you to keep me at home until the funeral. Please can someone sit with me in case I get lonely? I promise not to scare you. — Jenny Downham

Life isn't that sweet. That's why everyone wants sweet things. — The Undertaker

Lady," The Misfit said, looking beyond her far into the woods, "there never was a body that give the undertaker a tip. — Flannery O'Connor

Nobody really wants to be your friend when they discover that you work with dead people. — Rebecca McNutt

To be objective is to treat others as you treat an object, a corpse - to behave with them like an undertaker. — Emil Cioran

Undertaker, your yard is right in the middle of my world! — Triple H

As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight. — P.G. Wodehouse

... the distance is commonly very great between actual performances and speculative possibility. It is natural to suppose, that as much as has been done to-day may be done to-morrow; but on the morrow some difficulty emerges or some external impediment obstructs. Indolence, interruption, business, and pleasure; all take their turns of retardation; and every long work is lengthened by a thousand causes that can, and ten thousand that cannot, be recounted. Perhaps no extensive and multifarious performance was ever effected within the term originally fixed in the undertaker's mind. He that runs against Time, has an antagonist not subject to casualties.
From Samuel Johnson's Lives of the Poets series, published in 3 volumes between 1779 and 1781, on Alexander Pope — Samuel Johnson

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar — Mark Twain

The business aspects of the Fourth of July is not perfect as it stands. See what it costs us every year with loss of life, the crippling of thousands with its fireworks, and the burning down of property. It is not only sacred to patriotism and universal freedom, but to the surgeon, the undertaker, the insurance offices - and they are working it for all it is worth. — Mark Twain

I have no fear; I have nothing to lose. I'd rather burn out than fade away, and I would rather go out in a blaze of glory on my own terms than let anybody dictate anything to me in my career. I had the chance to wrestle The Undertaker [on Smackdown in 2013], and one thing I took away from it was that he looked me in the eye and said, 'Trust your instincts because you've got great instincts.' — Dean Ambrose

In the busy city, dying might be resented as a breach of good taste, and the body hastily dispatched to the undertaker and the crematorium; but in Lost Haven, where a man's mates had to turn out and dig his grave, it was an occasion shared by the whole community. — Kylie Tennant

Showing up at school already able to read is like showing up at the undertaker's already embalmed: people start worrying about being put out of their jobs. — Florence King

In 50 years, your grandchildren will be asking you where you were when CM Punk beat the Undertaker's streak! — CM Punk