Tosh.o Quotes & Sayings

I travel the garden of music, thru inspiration. It's a large, very large garden, seen? — Peter Tosh

How old is the sun? Sun not temporary, not chronological. There is the terra-celestial and the celestial. I am celestial, mon. I am here, there and everywhere. I live among men so I must adjust myself. When I go to other planet, I must adjust myself there, too, mon. — Peter Tosh

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap. — Daniel Tosh

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. — Daniel Tosh

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up? — Daniel Tosh

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?! — Daniel Tosh

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11. — Daniel Tosh

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. — Daniel Tosh

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button. — Daniel Tosh

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. — Daniel Tosh

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again. — Daniel Tosh

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. — Daniel Tosh

I want to have complete control over every media so that when I make my record I put on it what I want to put on it. Not what society wants me to put on it. — Peter Tosh

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. — Daniel Tosh

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth. — Daniel Tosh

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.' — Daniel Tosh

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast. — Daniel Tosh

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough. — Daniel Tosh

Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words. — Daniel Tosh

How can what is not only dead and gone, but remote and sometimes alien, have any practical bearing on today's world? The answer is that, paradoxically, the value of the past lies precisely in what is different from our world. By giving us another vantage point, it enables us to look at our own circumstances with sharper vision, alert to the possibility that they might have been different, and that they will probably turn out differently in the future. — John Tosh

I couldn't have written [What Good Are The Arts?] because I
and I'm not alone, by any means
do not have Carey's breadth of reading, nor his calm, wry logic, which enables him to demolish the arguments of just about everyone who has ever talked tosh about objective aesthetic principles. And this group, it turns out, includes anyone who has ever talked about objective aesthetic principles. — Nick Hornby

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid. — Daniel Tosh

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah. — Daniel Tosh

I am good. I live good. I think good. I don't have to feel good to be good, I take my goodness wherever I go. — Peter Tosh

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh

I'm on my way to happiness, where I can find some peace and rest. — Peter Tosh

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets. — Daniel Tosh

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so ... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities. — Daniel Tosh

Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there's an alarm going doesn't mean it's a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It's only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you've watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can't break up with me if we don't date. — Chris Rock

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee. — Daniel Tosh

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit. — Daniel Tosh

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. — Daniel Tosh

Peace is a certificate you get in the grave. — Peter Tosh

I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit. — Daniel Tosh

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant — Daniel Tosh

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected. — Daniel Tosh

Tosh throws up her hands. 'Tell me what you want!'
What I want...
To smell the desert after rain? To awake each morning beneath a soft Cheyenne blanket, skin still heavy with his scent? To rip out the flawed cog inside of me that brought it all to a screeching halt, then wind back through the years and do everything all over again. Perhaps that is what I want. A different ending. — Allyson Stack

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?" — Daniel Tosh

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too. — Daniel Tosh

It's not a stereotype if it's always true. — Daniel Tosh

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus. — Daniel Tosh

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.' — Daniel Tosh

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. — Daniel Tosh

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis. — Daniel Tosh

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me. — Daniel Tosh

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities. — Daniel Tosh

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'. — Daniel Tosh

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. — Daniel Tosh

When I play for the people, every time I play for my audience they are hypnotized, seen. These guys know the potential of the music. — Peter Tosh

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences. — Daniel Tosh

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse. — Daniel Tosh

Anything you want to know about Kingston's green versus orange war, everything you ever need to know about the rudeboy-cum-gunman is not in Bob Marley's lyrics or in Peter Tosh's but in Marty Robbins's "Big Iron." He's — Marlon James

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. — Daniel Tosh

I can say that. I have a television show. — Daniel Tosh

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies! — Daniel Tosh

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it. — Daniel Tosh

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them. — Daniel Tosh

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. — Daniel Tosh

Soon the earth will tilt on its axis and begin to dance to the reggae beat to the accompaniment of earthquake. And who can resist the dance of the earthquake, mon? — Peter Tosh

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. — Daniel Tosh

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable. — Daniel Tosh

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one. — Daniel Tosh

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. — Daniel Tosh

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets. — Daniel Tosh

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot. — Daniel Tosh

And I ask why am I black, they say I was born in sin, and shamed inequity. One of the main songs we used to sing in church makes me sick, 'love wash me and I shall be whiter than snow. — Peter Tosh

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test. — Daniel Tosh

I man don't come red, I come Black — Peter Tosh

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body. — Daniel Tosh

I was always unfailingly polite to Ladon-Tosh. I didn't care if he never looked at me or spoke to me. I just wanted him to know that he had a friend in me. — David Baldacci

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. — Daniel Tosh

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head? — Daniel Tosh

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow. — Daniel Tosh

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. — Daniel Tosh

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes? — Daniel Tosh

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it. — Daniel Tosh

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? — Daniel Tosh

I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid? — Daniel Tosh

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. — Daniel Tosh

I am, indeed, against all proselyters, whether they be on my side or on some other side. What moves nine-tenths of them, I believe, is simply the certainty of the result that I have just mentioned. Their lofty pretensions are all tosh. The thing they yearn for is the satisfaction of making someone unhappy: that yearning is almost as universal among them as thirst is in dry Congressmen. — H.L. Mencken

I would love to do something like 'Tosh.0,' where I host Internet clips. I did host 'Talk Soup,' which is similar. I love doing that, making fun of video clips on the Internet. — Cassandra Peterson

Music is a science, it heals depression, it awakens, most people don't know, they just take music for an entertainment, something to dance to, and enjoy yourself and you go to bed and forget it tomorrow, music must never be forgotten, it's like a fountain that keeps on flowing — Peter Tosh

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates. — Daniel Tosh

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid. — Daniel Tosh

I do nothing I regret, man, because I try to do nothing abominable. As long as there is not an abomination, there is nothing to regret, you understand? — Peter Tosh

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze? — Daniel Tosh

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English. — Daniel Tosh

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane. — Daniel Tosh

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts. — Daniel Tosh

In the beginning there was the word. The word was Jah. The word is in I, Jah is in I. I make what is good, better, and what is better, best. I follow this in every aspect of life. — Peter Tosh

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. — Daniel Tosh

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck — Daniel Tosh

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. — Daniel Tosh

You are a sick freak who should be beaten. — Daniel Tosh