Tosh 0 Quotes & Sayings

How old is the sun? Sun not temporary, not chronological. There is the terra-celestial and the celestial. I am celestial, mon. I am here, there and everywhere. I live among men so I must adjust myself. When I go to other planet, I must adjust myself there, too, mon. — Peter Tosh

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up? — Daniel Tosh

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?! — Daniel Tosh

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. — Daniel Tosh

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. — Daniel Tosh

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies. — Daniel Tosh

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. — Daniel Tosh

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck — Daniel Tosh

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. — Daniel Tosh

I would love to do something like 'Tosh.0,' where I host Internet clips. I did host 'Talk Soup,' which is similar. I love doing that, making fun of video clips on the Internet. — Cassandra Peterson

Are some flowers more beautiful than others? The garden is beautiful. Do I prefer brother over brother? Comparisons are part of this political world. Where there is one, there is no conflict. Where there is two or more, there is conflict. Two is the devil. Conflict begin with the devil. We count 0 to 1, then back to 0. It is a circle. — Peter Tosh

You are a sick freak who should be beaten. — Daniel Tosh

From 'Chappelle's Show' to 'Tosh.0,' there's so much race comedy. It's overdone. — Eric Andre

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot. — Daniel Tosh

I can say that. I have a television show. — Daniel Tosh

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies! — Daniel Tosh

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it. — Daniel Tosh

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. — Daniel Tosh

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them. — Daniel Tosh

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. — Daniel Tosh

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test. — Daniel Tosh

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow. — Daniel Tosh

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head? — Daniel Tosh

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. — Daniel Tosh

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun. — Daniel Tosh

I was always unfailingly polite to Ladon-Tosh. I didn't care if he never looked at me or spoke to me. I just wanted him to know that he had a friend in me. — David Baldacci

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body. — Daniel Tosh

I man don't come red, I come Black — Peter Tosh

Soon the earth will tilt on its axis and begin to dance to the reggae beat to the accompaniment of earthquake. And who can resist the dance of the earthquake, mon? — Peter Tosh

And I ask why am I black, they say I was born in sin, and shamed inequity. One of the main songs we used to sing in church makes me sick, 'love wash me and I shall be whiter than snow. — Peter Tosh

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. — Daniel Tosh

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets. — Daniel Tosh

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. — Daniel Tosh

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one. — Daniel Tosh

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable. — Daniel Tosh

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? — Daniel Tosh