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The Best Of Funny Quotes & Sayings

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The Best Of Funny Quotes By Colin Nissan

How rude of me, we haven't even introduced ourselves. We're the Andersons. I'm Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and Amy Jr. As you can see, we're very fit and active. You know what our family's average percentage of body fat is? Three. Yes, really. We got it tested last year when we all became organ donors.
You may have noticed that I'm carrying Amy on my back. We do that a lot. At least once a day, and not just when we're in fields like this; we do it on beaches and in urban environments as well. That's what happens when your love is deep and playful like ours. You should also know that we also dab frosting on each other's noses every single time we eat cupcakes, which is both mischievous and very us. Do you guys even eat cupcakes? — Colin Nissan

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Malcolm D. Lee

I had a strong vision for 'The Best Man Holiday,' so I was able to translate that to the actors and ultimately to the screen. Things can't get too heavy or too outrageously funny; it has to strike a balance. Tone is everything. If you've set the right tone, you can get away with a lot of stuff. You can get away with making people cry. — Malcolm D. Lee

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. — Woody Allen

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Ilona Andrews

Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view, and, usually, his tongue was doing most of it.
Now that was an interesting thought. Heh. — Ilona Andrews

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Cecelia Ahern

It's funny how people mark their lives, the benchmarks they choose to decide when the moment is more of a moment than any other. For life is made of them. I like to think the best ones of all are in my mind, that they run through my blood in their own memory bank for no one else but me to see. — Cecelia Ahern

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Ozzy Osbourne

People want it to be red, like blood. It's kind of funny. When I used to throw meat into the audience, I'd get letters from kids' mothers saying, "What's the best way to get blood stains out of my son's shirt?" — Ozzy Osbourne

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Harold Evans

Some blogs have become the best check on monopoly mainstream journalism, and they provide a surprisingly frequent source of initiative reporting. — Harold Evans

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Josephine Angelini

This morning she told a joke to make me feel better. She's tough and funny and caring. Beautiful. And that ass. Don't look at her ass, you idiot. It's the same ass you've seen a million times, so just forget about it because the last thing you need is to start remembering what it feels like. She really isn't Lillian, is she? She sort of is, Lillian, though, in all the best ways. No, that's wrong. I'm not looking for Lillian in Lily anymore, and I haven't since we've been on the run. It's strange, but I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't Lillian I loved. Maybe what I loved was the Lily in Lillian. Oh, shit. I think I love Lily ... — Josephine Angelini

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Michael Showalter

For me, Twitter works best as a way of taking pictures of being stuck in traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. If people really want to read really funny quips about life, parenting, and pop culture, then by all means read Michael Ian Black's tweets. — Michael Showalter

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Eve Best

There's this funny thing with pilots that you have to sign the contract to do the whole job before you're even offered the part. And they make about a million pilots a year, but hardly any of them get turned into series. — Eve Best

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Martin R. Lemieux

Funny enough, I sit on my porch all day, wave and smile at everyone. Some of them aren't sure, some smiles right back, some come back later and say; "This morning you made my day, had the best day all week, thank you for that!" Smile and wave, that's all it takes — Martin R. Lemieux

The Best Of Funny Quotes By C.S. Lewis

It is dull, Son of Adam, to drink without eating," said the Queen presently. "What would you like best to eat?"
"Turkish Delight, please, your Majesty," said Edmund. — C.S. Lewis

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Anyta Sunday

I love to stalk. I love to stalk you real, real good. I took your name home after our date and we had the best Google session of my life. — Anyta Sunday

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Hilary McKay

Rose's work of art took her all day, including two playtimes, story time, and most of lunch.
At the end of school it was stolen from her by the wicked teacher who had pretended to be so interested.
"Beautiful- what-is-it?" she asked as she pinned it high on the wall, where Rose could not reach.
"They take your pictures," said Indigo, ... when he finally made out what all the roaring and stamping was about. "They do take them ... Why do you want that picture so much?" he asked Rose.
"It was my best ever," said Rose furiously. "I hate school. I hate everyone in it. I will kill them all when I'm big enough."
"You can't just go round killing people," Indigo told her ... — Hilary McKay

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Arthur C. Clarke

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. — Arthur C. Clarke

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Victoria Dahl

Ben hid a wince behind his hand, trying very hard not to think of seventy-year-old Ellie Verstgard rolling around with Mr. Wenner. Despite his best resistance, the image scrolled across his brain and took some of his love for the world with it. — Victoria Dahl

The Best Of Funny Quotes By George R R Martin

His long wait is almost done. I am sending Balon Swann to Sunspear, to deliver him the head of Gregor Clegane." Ser Balon would have another task as well, but that part was best left unsaid.
"Ah." Ser Harys Swyft fumbled at his funny little beard with thumb and forefinger. "He is dead then? Ser Gregor?"
"I would think so, my lord," Aurane Waters said dryly. "I am told that removing the head from the body is often mortal. — George R R Martin

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Cassia Leo

It's funny that when the one person you live for is ripped out of your life you can still find a way to convince yourself it's for the best and that you will eventually get over it.
What a joke. — Cassia Leo

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Dean Koontz

And the funny thing was if you made the best of it, if you smiled through every storm, the bad things were never as terrible as you expected them to be, and the good things were better than anything you could have wished for yourself. — Dean Koontz

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Scott Adams

Never use naughtiness in mixed company, unless your witticism is so funny that your audience will shoot tears of happiness out of their eyes with a velocity sufficient to powerwash a small bus. Any joke that falls short of that standard will make you lose respect in the eyes of everyone except your best friends, who, as you know, lost respect for you long ago. — Scott Adams

The Best Of Funny Quotes By J.K. Rowling

The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up"
"There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly ... "My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!"
"And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in. — J.K. Rowling

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Dylan Perry

I've done this sort of thing before. Not prophecies so much, but you'd be surprised how many people want to realign their ancestral lines to seem nobler, or rewrite their family history to remove more morally questionable episodes." He paused to recall a recent rewrite. "One lord wanted the murderers removed from his family line. His family was so corrupt, he ended up with three virgin births, two generations removed entirely and a lady who gave birth at the age of two. Still, no one questions it as there is evidence in the archives." Bubo smugly tapped a book. "There is one thing though, faking a prophecy in the past is easy, you already know the result. How will you make this come true in the future?"
"I have someone in mind for it, but I'm not sure he'll go for it. But then prophecy is all optional anyway." Corvid looked up as if a thought had occurred to him. "I'd best go check on my man, I've not met him yet. — Dylan Perry

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Simon Dunn

This was going to be the best cup of tea ever, even if it did look piss weak and oily. He took a gentle sip. Motherfuckers. It was coffee. — Simon Dunn

The Best Of Funny Quotes By David Levithan

Boomer took bites of all six varieties, contemplating each one and "guring out the order in which he would then eat them. "I like the
brown one and the lighter brown one and the almost-brown one. I'm not so sure about the minty one. But really, I think the lebkuchen spice
one is the best."
"The what?"
"The lebkuchen spice one." He held it up for me. "This one."
"You're making that up. What's a lebkuchen spice? It sounds like a cross between a Keebler elf and a stripper. Hello, my name ees
Lebkuchen Spice, and I vant to show you my cooooookies ... "
"Don't be rude!" Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended. — David Levithan

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Brandon Mull

It was an emergency!" Seth blurted. "Read my lips - emergency reading - not some demented idea of fun. If I was starving, I would eat asparagus. If somebody held a gun to my head, I would watch a soap opera. And to save Fablehaven, I would read a book, okay, are you happy?"
You had best be careful, Seth," Grandma warned. "The love of reading can be contagious."
I just lost my appetite," he declared ... — Brandon Mull

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Travis Pastrana

Some of my best friends are tattooed from head to toe. Some would never think of it. Some are rocking a mullet and a moustache and others are clean cut. It's funny that you don't need to speak the same language or look like someone to fit in. — Travis Pastrana

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Tears For Fears

I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. — Tears For Fears

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Rick Riordan

What's the best practical joke you've ever played on another camper? Connor: The golden mango! Travis: Oh, dude, that was awesome. Connor: So anyway, we took this mango and spray painted it gold, right? We wrote: "For the hottest" on it and left it in the Aphrodite cabin while they were at archery class. When they came back, they started fighting over it, trying to figure out which of them was the hottest. It was so funny. Travis: Gucci shoes were flying out the windows. The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other's clothes and throwing lipstick and jewelry. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz. Connor: Then they figured out what we'd done, and they tracked us down. Travis: That was not cool. I didn't know they made permanent makeup. I looked like a clown for a month. Connor: Yeah. They put a curse on me so that no matter what I wore, my clothes were two sizes too small and I felt like a geek. Travis: You are a geek. — Rick Riordan

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Gena Showalter

Are you suggesting I'm working with the
zombies? That I paid them to pretend to
attack me so that I'd trick you into letting me join you?""Did you?" Mr. Holland demanded."Yeah, okay," I said in a sugar-sweet tone. "You're right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn't tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his
best undead buddies and stalk me through
my friend's yard. And oh, yeah, it was
totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night dinner buffet, because having organs is so last season. — Gena Showalter

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Rebecca K. Lilley

Far be it from me to slow down two badass supermodels on a mission, but we have a problem," a male voice said wryly.
I could see Christian out of the corner of my eye as we turned, his stance and movements almost synchronized to my own. We shared a look, our expressions almost identically similar, wit arched brows and half-smiles.
"What's the problem?" I called out, scanning the faces to see who had spoken.
"You're a badass supermodel," Christian muttered under his breath at the same time, taking the mature approach, as usual. — Rebecca K. Lilley

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Anonymous

The people who are best at telling jokes tend to have more health problems than the people laughing at them. A study of Finnish police officers found that those who were seen as funniest smoked more, weighed more, and were at greater risk of cardiovascular disease than their peers [10]. Entertainers typically die earlier than other famous people [11], and comedians exhibit more "psychotic traits" than others [12]. So just as there's research to back up the conventional wisdom on laughter's curative powers, there also seems to be truth to the stereotype that funny people aren't always having much fun. It might feel good to crack others up now and then, but apparently the audience gets the last laugh. — Anonymous

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Tess Gerritsen

Richard subtly slipped in the fact that he is thriller writer Richard Renwick, creator of MI5 hero Jackman Tripp. Unfortunately none of them had ever heard of Richard or his hero, which led to a prickly first day on safari. But now he's back in form, doing what he does best: charming his audience. Laying it on too thick, I think. Far too thick. But if I complain about it later, I know exactly what he'll say. It's what writers have to do, Millie. We have to be sociable and bring in new readers. Funny how Richard never wastes his time being sociable with — Tess Gerritsen

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Anne Lamott

It's funny: I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent old tools - friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty - and said 'do the best you can with these, they will have to do'. And mostly, against all odds, they do. — Anne Lamott

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Ari Graynor

Through working with amazing people, the bar is always raised to do your own best work. I want to be a part of unique stories that are smart, heartfelt, funny and sad, and have a general sense of good quality. — Ari Graynor

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Bisco Hatori

Kaoru." "Hikaru? How long have you been there? "Kaoru, how do you feel about Haruhi?" "She's a funny little tanuki." "You don't have to lie to me. Sorry that I didn't realize it until now. I know you've been worrying about me, but you don't have to lie anymore. You like Haruhi too, don't you?" "What are you talking about, Hikaru? I don't
" "Then how about this? You know we talked about adopting Haruhi. That's the best solution. That way the three of us will always be together." "Are you completely stupid, Hikaru? Adopting Haruhi was just a joke. We're not playing house. It'd never happen. I'm so fed up with your childishness!!" "Kaoru ... " "Besides, would you be happy being a threesome forever? You really want to share Haruhi with me? That's not what I want!" "Kaoru ... ?" "I won't share her with you or milord! Especially ... If your willing to just give her up like that! I'll never step aside for you if that's the case! — Bisco Hatori

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Mark Twain

If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then afterward act quietly in the matter according to the dictates of your best judgment. — Mark Twain

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Lee Hall

I don't really find things funny unless they're deeply tragic at the same time. I think if you're funny just for the sake of being funny, it's just frivolous nonsense. To me, all the best comic plays have been written about really serious and rather bleak things. — Lee Hall

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Sarah Rees Brennan

Nah, Dad, I'm good. Please leave me in this hotel bedroom with my handsome boyfriend. And several of his relatives, and a very sharp weapon."
"Clearly I went badly wrong somewhere when raising you," said Dad. "Well, best to do down before Tomo gets into the vodka. — Sarah Rees Brennan

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Maurice Sendak

An illustration is an enlargement, and interpretation of the text, so that the reader will comprehend the words better. As an artist, you are always serving the words.
You must never illustrate exactly what is written. You must find a space in the text so that the pictures can do the work. Then you must let the words take over where words do it best. It's a funny kind of juggling act. — Maurice Sendak

The Best Of Funny Quotes By George Best

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted — George Best

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Aml Ameen

It's a funny thing: my name in Arabic means hope, so I suppose I have to live by that principle. Hope is desire, feeling, and investing in a projection of something that doesn't yet exist. At its best, you witness its alchemy in your life, turning something that was once in the mind into reality. At its worst, it's delusion. — Aml Ameen

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Matthew Zapruder

That being said, some of my favorite poets are extremely funny. The aforementioned Matt Rohrer, for instance. Mary Ruefle. James Tate might be the best example of someone who is systematically misread because he can be hilarious. In his poems, as in all great funny poems, the humor is one very appealing version of the surprise and associative movement that is at the heart of all poetry. — Matthew Zapruder

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Laurie Halse Anderson

I'd given him bits and pieces of my peculiar life, but colored softer and funnier than they had been. I'd painted my dad as Don Quixote in a semi, on a quest for philosophical truths and the best cup of coffee in the nation. — Laurie Halse Anderson

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Renee Fleming

It's funny, I've decided 'Hallelujah' is a kind of Rorschach test for people, because everyone has a different reaction to it and to what I'm doing. I just sang it, and whatever came out was just natural and spontaneous and maybe that's the best thing, because there's a kind of enigma, both in the meaning of the words and the way Leonard Cohen said them, that catches people's attention. — Renee Fleming

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Matthew Zapruder

I'm more than a little suspicious of humor in poems, because I think it can at times be a way of getting a reaction out of a reader, or an audience, that is something closer to relief: i.e., thank god this isn't poetry, but stand-up comedy. Some poets are really funny, but more often poets are fourth rate stand up comics at best. But they benefit from the sheer relief of the audience. — Matthew Zapruder

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Hari Kondabolu

You can be funny and say what you mean; these ideas are not mutually exclusive. Some of the best jokes came from people who meant it. See: Pryor, Bruce, Carlin, etc. — Hari Kondabolu

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Sophia Bush

I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid. — Sophia Bush

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Jamie McGuire

You realize people like you and Trav are going to fight, right?" America said, filing her nails as she chewed the huge wad of gum in her mouth.
I turned over on the bed. "You are officially fired. You are a terrible conscious. — Jamie McGuire

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Jane Juska

One ought not to fall in love with someone by way of their writing. One must be especially careful if the writing is good, for then one assumes the writer is good, funny, clever, profound, sensitive, smart, wise, loving, and true. It is unfair to the writer and dangerous to the reader to hold the writer to the standards of his writing, for in his writing, the writer is his best self; in person, he is a person, and we all know what that means. — Jane Juska

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Dean Koontz

whatever came your way, you had to make the best of it, grin and bear it, smile through the storm. And the funny thing was, if you made the best of it, if you smiled through every storm, the bad things were never as terrible as you expected them to be, and the good things were better than anything you ever could have wished for yourself. — Dean Koontz

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Joe Rogan

The beautiful thing about podcasting is it's just talking. It can be funny, or it can be terrifying. It can be sweet. It can be obnoxious. It almost has no definitive form. In that sense it's one of the best ways to explore an idea, and certainly much less limiting than trying to express the same idea in stand up comedy. For some ideas stand up is best, but it's really, really nice to have podcasts as well. — Joe Rogan

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Robert Conquest

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies. — Robert Conquest

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Jenny Han

It's funny how much of childhood is about proximity. Like who your best friend is is directly correlated to how close your houses are; who you sit next to in music is all about how close your names are in the alphabet. Such a game of chance. — Jenny Han

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Josip Novakovich

Justin Hermann is one of the best new voices in short fiction-deep and entertaining as hell, with many funny lines, unexpected turns of events, and great insights. Wonderful stories: each one is a trip! — Josip Novakovich

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Kristen Proby

You don't like romantic shit," Luke remarks and frowns at me.
"I don't like watching you lay the romantic shit on my best friend, pal. It's disgusting. This," I gesture around the room with my hands, "is not a movie. But I do like watching Zac Efron, Channing Tatum, and a number of other hot actors lay on the romantic shit in a movie. I have a vagina."
"I'm aware," Luke remarks earning a glare from Nate. "Although, not first-hand," he quickly adds. — Kristen Proby

The Best Of Funny Quotes By John Hodgman

One of the things about crowd work that's so exciting is when you discover a character in the audience who's interesting or funny, who you can vibe off of. If someone's got a weird job that you can make reference to throughout, or you can bring that person onstage - humiliate them, or celebrate them! You can put people in conversation with one another. The best is when something that they're doing can reflect back on something that you're doing. — John Hodgman

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Rachel Cohn

That's funny. I've always liked Naomi's version of me the best. I'm always much more interesting when she talks about me. — Rachel Cohn

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Stephen Colbert

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. — Stephen Colbert

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Rick Riordan

What's the best part of being in Hermes cabin?
Connor: You are never lonely. I mean seriously, new kids are always coming in. So you always have someone to talk to.
Travis: Or prank.
Connor: Or pickpocket. One big happy family. — Rick Riordan

The Best Of Funny Quotes By J.R. Ward

But love had a funny way of giving you faith in the one who loved you back. And nothing was guaranteed in life, neither riches nor health. At the end of the day, you just had to let yourself go ... and the best place to land was in the arms of a good man. — J.R. Ward

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Robert Orben

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet. — Robert Orben

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Jory Strong

That day will never come. I'll be the last bachelor standing." Dylan made a show of looking at his watch. "And if I hustle, I can still meet, mingle and be the answer to some woman's sexual prayers. Let's hit it before she settles on second best. — Jory Strong

The Best Of Funny Quotes By A.G. Starling

[Lizzie Bennington to a reporter who has asked for her opinion about Jack Archer's celebrated thighs.] When you come back from a set down and bring the match to a final set tiebreak and are a point away from winning the match, only to have what looks like an extremely fit player call a time out because of a cramp and then watch that player sit back and casually converse and laugh while you do your best to keep your mental focus and your body moving so you don't grow cold and cramp yourself, I hardly think you'd concern yourself with his burgeoning manhood, let alone his thighs! — A.G. Starling

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Lisa McMann

What did your mom say?"
"She said I better not be pregnant."
Janie snorts. "What the hell is wrong with our parents, anyway? Wait
you're not, are you?"
"Of course not! Sheesh, Janers! I may not have gotten the best grades in school, but I'm not stupid. You know I'm on the Pill. And his Jimmy doesn't get near me without a raincoat, yadamean? Ain't nothin' getting through my little fortress! — Lisa McMann

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Rose Wynters

Ian's eyes settled on him, his expression grim. He bypassed everything, coming to a stop in front of the nervous young male. "I want all of your medicines to relieve fever, including liquids and capsules. Plus, I want a thermometer, the best one you have, and make sure it's not rectal." He narrowed his eyes at the wide-eyed clerk in front of him. "I don't do rectal, and I won't use anything that involves an ass. — Rose Wynters

The Best Of Funny Quotes By George Carlin

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. — George Carlin

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Walker Percy

The happiness of the South was very formidable. It was an almost invincible happiness. It defied you to call it anything else. Everyone was in fact happy. The women were beautiful and charming. The men were healthy and successful and funny; they knew how to tell stories. They had everything the North had and more. They had a history, they had a place redolent with memories, they had good conversation, they believed in God and defended the Constitution, and they were getting rich in the bargain. They had the best of victory and defeat. Their happiness was aggressive and irresistible. — Walker Percy

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Katie Kacvinsky

I'm used to the security of living behind my online profiles and the clip art advertisdements I create to define me. I can be whoever I want to be in that world. I can be funny, deep, pensive, eccentric. I can be the best version of myself. I can make all the right decisions. I can delete my flaws by pressing a button.
In the real world anything can happen. It's like stepping onto an icy surface
you have to adjust your footing or you'll slip and fall. Your movements become rigid and unsure because behind all the fancy gadgets and all that digital armor, you realize you're just flesh and bones. — Katie Kacvinsky

The Best Of Funny Quotes By P. J. O'Rourke

A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers. — P. J. O'Rourke

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Lili St. Crow

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch. — Lili St. Crow

The Best Of Funny Quotes By David Mitchell

I put my hand on the altar rail. 'What if ... what if Heaven is real, but only in moments? Like a glass of water on a hot day when you're dying of thirst, or when someone's nice to you for no reason, or ... ' Mam's pancakes with Toblerone sauce; Dad dashing up from the bar just to tell me, 'Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite'; or Jacko and Sharon singing 'For She's A Squishy Marshmallow' instead of 'For She's A Jolly Good Fellow' every single birthday and wetting themselves even though it's not at all funny; and Brendan giving his old record player to me instead of one of his mates. 'S'pose Heaven's not like a painting that's just hanging there for ever, but more like ... Like the best song anyone ever wrote, but a song you only catch in snatches, while you're alive, from passing cars, or ... upstairs windows when you're lost ... — David Mitchell

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Sally Phillips

As a writer myself, my job has very often been to also write on the job. So you get the script and a vague idea of how the scene might work, and you then add funny words or change the script. I'm not the world's best writer or the world's best actor, but I can do that thing where I can fix - or ruin - fix-slash-ruin, add quirk, add value. — Sally Phillips

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Charles Dickens

Some medical beast had revived tar-water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it in the cupboard; having a belief in its virtues correspondent to its nastiness. At the best of times, so much of this elixir was administered to me as a choice restorative, that I was conscious of going about, smelling like a new fence. — Charles Dickens

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Zachary Schomburg

Natalie Lyalin is writing some of the best poems in the world. There is an evil in her gorgeous poem-hearts. She must have sold her heart to the devil to write like this - so beautiful, so funny and so strange. Her images stack and stack down the page without spilling, each line such a bombshell you'll start reading backward to the first line. These poems are like babies - they will pop out of trees. — Zachary Schomburg

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Tove Jansson

It's funny about me,' Sophia said. 'I always feel like such a nice girl whenever there's a storm.'
"'You do?' Grandmother said. 'Well, maybe ...' Nice, she thought. No. I'm certainly not nice. The best you could say of me is that I'm interested. [pp. 150-151] — Tove Jansson

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Dave Barry

I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont. — Dave Barry

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Lauren Dane

First of all, I was running scams when you were at keggers at Kappa Kappa Werewolf. You don't know much about me but I am way smarter than Gabriel was. I'm a consummate liar. I can street fight with the best of them and I can cheat at cards like nobody's business. This on top of my computer skills. I may not howl at the moon and have superhuman strength but I can hold my own. — Lauren Dane

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Michael Showalter

One of the things that is always difficult about a collaboration is that you don't necessarily find the same thing funny. And so the challenge becomes, how do you tell the other person that you don't think something's funny? The best collaborations tend to be when you are willing to be told that. But there's also ego involved, and so there's a lot of frustration in knowing that you're writing something, and the other person, on some level, needs to think that it's funny. — Michael Showalter

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Sara Eckel

Now when I remember the woman I was - heaving herself off the couch to go on another Internet date, taking a deep breath before walking into the party where she'd see her ex and his new girlfriend - I don't feel a trace of contempt or embarrassment. I have a funny admiration for the girl who kept taking her licks and got back up again. That was me. Doing my best. Which, of course, is all any of us can do. — Sara Eckel

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Gustave Flaubert

This is indeed a funny country. Yesterday, for example, we were in a cafe which is one of the best in Cairo, and there were, at the same time as ourselves, inside, a donkey shitting, and a gentleman who was pissing in a corner. No one finds that odd; no one says anything. — Gustave Flaubert

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Mark Pendergrast

Coca-Cola remains emblematic of the best and worst of America and Western civilization. The history of Coca-Cola is the often funny story of a group of men obsessed with putting a trivial soft drink "within an arm's reach of desire." But at the same time, it is a microcosm of American history. Coca-Cola grew up with the country, shaping and shaped by the times. The drink not only helped to alter consumption patterns, but attitudes toward leisure, work, advertising, sex, family life, and patriotism. — Mark Pendergrast

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Mary Calmes

What is he like?"
"Logan?"

"He is the kind of man you pray to be able to serve - he's like a great king from olden times."

"Who always does what's right," Andrian chimed in.

"Yes," Artem agreed. "He can always be counted on to make the best choice."

"And he normally does it, except where you're concerned." Crane cackled. "With you, he has no idea what the hell he's doing. — Mary Calmes

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Guido Van Rossum

If you're talking about Java in particular, Python is about the best fit you can get amongst all the other languages. Yet the funny thing is, from a language point of view, JavaScript has a lot in common with Python, but it is sort of a restricted subset. — Guido Van Rossum

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Chris Rock

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more? — Chris Rock

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Christian Kane

It's funny that a lot of the fans of 'Angel' have come over and hung out with me on 'Leverage.' I was so fortunate to have been on that show. It created one of the best fan groups ever. I just have the best fans in the world. — Christian Kane

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Orson Scott Card

The funny thing was, you see, that Mike Fink didn't think of himself as a murderer. He thought of life as a contest, and dying was what happened to those who came out second best, but it wasn't the same as murder, it was a fair fight. — Orson Scott Card

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Andre The BFG

Life's not always a bed of noses. "We've been put on this earth to do good, and as long as you can put you hand on yer heart and say you've done yer best you can gan to yer rest with an easy conscience," was what me granny used to say. Before they dragged her off to the funny farm dressed as a Christmas turkey (it were the stuffing that gave the game away). — Andre The BFG

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Daniel Tosh

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Emo Philips

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat. — Emo Philips

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Kristen Ashley

Babe, best wool men ever pulled was lettin' women think we think with our dicks. We pay a fuckuva lot of attention. We know your shit maybe more than you do because we live it right along with you and some of you try to make us eat it. It's just that some of us choose not to get sucked in the drama and instead focus on getting laid regularly."
I felt my eyes get big right before I wrapped my arms around him and started giggling, but I managed to push through my giggles, "Honey, not sure you should share the brotherhood's secrets."
"You talk, no woman will listen. They prefer to think a man's brain is in his dick. Gives 'em something to bitch about. — Kristen Ashley

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Tim Heidecker

Sometimes laughing isn't the best judge of what's funny, 'cause I think there's a lot of things that are really funny that don't make you laugh, that don't make you physically, audibly make a noise, but is something that is much more powerful than that. — Tim Heidecker

The Best Of Funny Quotes By K.A. Merikan

Liam... You're the best. You're handsome, funny, patient with my fits, a fantastic cook. You taught me how to swim." Ryan bit his lip, eyes focused on the shadowed face in front of him. "Like, if there was a zombie apocalypse, you'd save me and feed me." He smiled. "I wouldn't need some loser with a guitar that wouldn't even work without electricity. I'd need a real man. The kind that runs into a burning building to save me. — K.A. Merikan

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Kimberly Derting

She slipped her hands beneath the front of his shirt, slowly running her fingertips over his chest and back down to his waist. He turned in her arms and smiled, but his grin was filled with mocking suspicion. "Are you trying to distract me, Violet Ambrose?"
"I guess you're smarter than you look," she teased as he pushed her backward so that they both fell on her bed.
"And you are not as funny as you think you are." His mouth hovered over hers, his arms tightening, crushing her against him. Violet giggled and tried to squirm free, but Jay wouldn't let her. He kissed her throat, his lips teasing her until it wasn't his grip that made it hard for Violet to breathe.
"Oh, and Violet, he whispered against her ear, his breath tickling her cheek, "I'm still your best friend. Don't ever forget it." His words were fervent and touching. — Kimberly Derting

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Ed Sheeran

A sense of humor is an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. — Ed Sheeran

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Sarah Silverman

At some point, I figured that it would be more effective and far funnier to embrace the ugliest, most terrifying things in the world
the Holocaust, racism, rape, et cetera. But for the sake of comedy, and the comedian's personal sanity, this requires a certain emotional distance. It's akin to being a shrink or a social worker. you might think that the most sensitive, empathetic person would make the best social worker, but that person would end up being soup on the floor. It really takes someone strong
someone, dare I say, with a big fat wall up
to work in a pool of heartbreak all day and not want to fucking kill yourself. But adopting a persona at once ignorant and arrogant allowed me to say what I didn't mean, even preach the opposite of what I believed. For me, it was a funny way to be sincere. And like the jokes in a roast, the hope is that the genuine sentiment
maybe even a goodness underneath the joke (however brutal) transcends. — Sarah Silverman

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Liz Czukas

It doesn't matter if it's the real world or fictional," I insisted. "Crushes are the best part of liking someone, and they are completely safe. You get all the benefits of fantasising about someone, but none of the he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not drama. It's all the good parts with none of the parts that make you lie awake at night all angsty. — Liz Czukas

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Gena Showalter

Yeah, okay. You're right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steak, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn't tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his best undead buddies and stalk me through my friend's yard. And oh, yeah, it was totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night-dinner buffet, because having organs is SO last year. — Gena Showalter

The Best Of Funny Quotes By James Burrows

I know what's funny, and I probably know the best way to deliver the joke. Whether it's walking out of a room, facing that way, facing this way. I just have a sense of that. — James Burrows

The Best Of Funny Quotes By Lauren Lola

They're funny things, legacies are. They can make a person's good-doings extend beyond his or her lifetime, and burden everyone else around who's related to live up to or better it. But they're always very important to maintain to the best of one's ability because that's as close to immortality one can get. — Lauren Lola

The Best Of Funny Quotes By John Requa

I'm a huge fan of 'Kung Fu Panda.' I honestly think that Jack Black's voice work in 'Kung Fu Panda' is the best voice work that's ever been done. He's so funny, and it's such an endearing character. It really is great. — John Requa