Quotes & Sayings About Testicles

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't ... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe ... same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same ... so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself ... — George Carlin

Aomame established several classes in her best area, women's self-defense techniques. She made a large canvas dummy in the shape of a man, sewed a black work glove in the groin area to serve as testicles, and gave female club members thorough training in how to kick in that spot. In the interest of realism, she stuffed two squash balls into the glove. The women were to kick this target swiftly, mercilessly, and repeatedly. Many of them took special pleasure in this training, and their skill improved markedly, but other members (mostly men, of course) viewed the spectacle with a frown and complained to the club's management that she was going overboard.

As a result, Aomame was called in and instructed to rein in the ball-kicking practice — Haruki Murakami

But since Pontus [the Sea] was male, only the sea creatures that lived in the sea could aspire to be Aphrodite's mother. And it was for this reason that Aphrodite's birth was delayed for so long. As Himeros & Chaos did not want to be born by a sea creature. And thus, Uranus' seed & testicles tossed & tossed on the waves for hundreds of years before Himeros & Chaos reached a compromise. Aphrodite would be born from a cockle, Konche, & Himeros & Chaos would be the shell of the baby cockle. — Nicholas Chong

I'm pretty good with knives. I'm so good, in fact, that I could sever your testicles with one hand and slice open your throat with the other, and you'd go into shock so fast you'd die without ever knowing you'd spilled a fucking drop of blood. — Rachel Vincent

I had an ASU student looking for it in my shop last week, and he defined the Bacchants for me as 'those drunk chicks who killed that one dude because he wouldn't have sex with them.' His professors must be so proud. I asked him if he knew what maenads were, and instead of correctly answering that it was just another name for Bacchants, he bizarrely thought I was referring to my own testicles - as in, "'Ere now, mate, don't swing that bat around me nads.'" The conversation deteriorated quickly after that. — Kevin Hearne

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles — Rowena Cherry

What in the name of Zeus's testicles? — Darynda Jones

No one touches her," Ash said, his voice coated with frost. "Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles and put them in a jar. Understand? — Julie Kagawa

most processed water and food contain large amounts of fluoride which can lead to fluorosis. Even foods made with mechanically deboned meat (e.g nuggets) contain elevated levels of fluoride due to the contamination from bone particles that occurs during the mechanical deboning process. Fluorosis is a condition that affects the teeth and bones. It is caused by overexposure to fluoride. Fluorosis can cause osteoporosis, osteoarthritis, arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis. Fluoride may also damage connective tissue, brain, and testicles. Also be careful from drinking water containing extra fluoride. — Dr. Neo

I saw some amazing, beautiful, invigorating parts of America, but I saw some dark parts of America, an ugly side of America, a side of America that rarely sees the light of day. I refer, of course, to the anus and testicles of my co-star, Ken Davitian. — Sacha Baron Cohen

She was a widow, and he stripped himself naked while she went to fetch some of her husband's clothes. But before he could put them on, the police were hammering on the front door with their billy clubs. So the fugitive hid on top of a rafter. When the woman let in the police, though, his oversize testicles hung down in full view."
Trout paused again.
The police asked the woman where the guy was. The woman said she didn't know what guy they were talking about," said Trout. "One of the cops saw the testicles hanging down from a rafter and asked what they were. She said they were Chinese temple bells. He believed her. He said he 'd always wanted to hear Chinese temple bells. "He gave them a whack with his billy club, but there was no sound. So he hit them again, a lot harder, a whole lot harder. Do you know what the guy on the rafter shrieked?" Trout asked me. I said I didn't. "He shrieked, 'TING-A-LING, YOU SON OF A BITCH! — Kurt Vonnegut

It felt like he'd been dragged through the nine circles of hell - by his testicles. — Kay Berrisford

To relate a Beethoven sonata to the testicles is hardly in the style of traditional aesthetics. — Terry Eagleton

Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand? — Julie Kagawa

The State has a superfluity of testicles, Peersa said with no particular emphasis. — Larry Niven

Spartacus," I called, "how's it hanging?" Probably not too well. Once you're dead, had your organs removed, and are resurrected as an undead mummified cat, your testicles probably looked like old raisins that had rolled under the couch. Raisins didn't tend to ... hang. — Rob Thurman

There's a bit of testicle at the bottom of our most sublime feelings and our purest tenderness. — Denis Diderot

Other theories about the ultimate start involve gods creating the universe out of the ribs, entrails, and testicles of their father (gods like a joke as much as anyone else). There are quite a lot of these. They are interesting, not for what they tell you about cosmology, but for what they say about people. — Terry Pratchett

The average human has one breast and one testicle. — Des MacHale

In southern Spain, they made me eat a bull's testicles. They were really garlicky, which I don't like. I prefer to take a bull by the horns, not by, um ... — Padma Lakshmi

I hang onto my prejudices, they are the testicles of my mind. — Eric Hoffer

Ever since, two summers ago, Joe Marino had begun to come into her bed, a preposterous fecundity had overtaken the staked plans, out in the side garden where the southwestern sun slanted in through the line of willows each long afternoon. The crooked little tomato branches, pulpy and pale as if made of cheap green paper, broke under the weight of so much fruit; there was something frantic in such fertility, a crying-out like that of children frantic to please. Of plants, tomatoes seemed the most human, eager and fragile and prone to rot. Picking the watery orange-red orbs, Alexandra felt she was cupping a giant lover's testicles in her hand. — John Updike

Oh, Lord. Why was he asking her that? He knew better than to ask a woman what was wrong - because somehow it would end up being his fault. Even if every aspect of her mood was beyond his knowledge or control, it would still end up being his fault - because he had testicles. Whenever a woman was annoyed, somehow it always came around to the Y chromosome. — Tracy Brogan

Casey rested his forehead on his hands and began to recite his list of get-rid-of-my-erection-now things. "Wrinkly old testicles with masses of gray hair. Applying hemorrhoid cream. Rotten eggs broken in the house. Tennis shoes that haven't been washed for years. Moldy cabbage. Three-day-old roadkill. Toilets that don't flush properly. Accidentally using sports rub for lubricant. — Renae Kaye

One really understands testicles after reading 'The Family Jewels,' and one is gratified. — Cathleen Schine

Melissa had faith in God and Theo had faith in the fertile Boratto testicles. — Darren Shan

I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that? — Jay Leno

But what is worse than all," observed the English traveler Isaac Weld, "these wretches in their combat endeavor to their utmost to tear out each other's testicles."31 — Gordon S. Wood

The digging continues ... Ground Zero it looks more and more like a construction site. Too much of the horror is gone. No fire. No smoke ... What was war becomes peace, becomes peaceful. But in the coil of my testicles there's an angry residue and in places I can't even name, places inside my throat and behind my chest, I'm sad, and sometimes worse than sad, less than sad, a cavity of empty. — Adam Berlin

Berlin is the testicles of the West, every time I want the West to scream, I squeeze on Berlin. — Nikita Khrushchev

Women don't have dicks and they don't want dicks. That amateur psychology crap that women want penises. And they certainly don't want testicles. Because you know no women in her right mind is going to carry around a bag that she can't put stuff in. — Bobby Slayton

Wynn really hoped the squeal that followed her announcement came from Ella, because if Kees had made that sound, she feared for his testicles. — Christine Warren

...doctors advised intensive talk therapy, even electroshock treatment. Some gay men were castrated against their will, a procedure that removed their testicles and deadened the sex drive. Others were lobotomized, a medical practice that destroyed the connections between the frontal lobes and the thalamus of the brain, deadening just about all aspects of behavior. — Ann Bausum

In 1975, Richard Doll and Bruce Armstrong published a seminal analysis of diet and cancer, in which they noted that, the higher the sugar intake in different nations, the higher both the incidence of and mortality from cancer of the colon, rectum, breast, ovary, uterus, prostate, kidney, nervous system, and testicles. — Gary Taubes

I can't help but stir the pot. "We discussed books and body parts and their functionality. It was a most invigorating discussion. I wonder, though, who the breast of the organization are? Or perhaps the testicles? Personally, I would love to know who the arse is. Is that person the fool of the group? — Heather Lyons

The only part of a man more sensitive than the aforementioned testicles was the male ego - like a Georgia peach. — Jewel E. Ann

Because men, compared to male chimps, have such relatively small testicles (large testicles indicate a species where many males mate, one after the other, with the same female), we might guess that promiscuous societies were uncommon in the immediate human past. — Carl Sagan

I have no great faith in women's plays. They always seem to me to lack precisely that which women lack, viz: testicles. — George H. Boker

I will never marry you. I will never have sex with you voluntarily. And the day you touch me without permission will be the day you swallow your own testicles whole. Do you understand? — Rachel Vincent

Hey," he said, leaning back in his chair and spreading his legs wide.
"I'm more than willing to change my last name and give up my citizenship for you. I'll even walk two steps behind you in public after we're married, like a proper prince consort. But the birth control thing is going to have to be up to you, because obviously nothing can contain what these bad boys are packing."
"Did you seriously just refer to your testicles as 'bad boys'?"
"I did. It's not as if you didn't have warning, Mia. As has been previously stated - by that bastion of fine reporting, InTouch, no less - I am the world's greatest lover."
"More like the world's greatest idiot. — Meg Cabot

Jesus," Kiernan said as he stepped from the Bronco and a gust of frigid wind lifted his hair. "I think my testicles just climbed up into my abdominal cavity in fear."
Matt chuckled. "Lovely visual." He cautiously joined him on the icy sidewalk. "They'll come back out of hiding as soon as you warm up."
"So you say. The poor things aren't used to this kind of weather. It's traumatizing. I'm going to expect you to check later to make sure they're still where they belong."
"I can certainly make an inspection of the general area. I'm a detective. It's all about gathering evidence. — Diana Copland

I don't see Number Four though - oh." Number Four, wearing an unflattering chartreuse jacket, was sitting alone on the chewed-up grass, despondently licking his testicles. "Hmm, I don't know, Bel . — Paul Murray

A pox on both his testicles! (Esperetta) — Sherrilyn Kenyon

The brain is the largest data store facility to ever exist, even exceeding the storage capacity of a man's testicles (yes, if you are a man you can be proud of your pair, as they store more data than any computer). The — Bill McDowell

Why the testicles are we listing sex organs? — Benjamin R. Smith

I won't eat offal. Once, I was in London at the Le Manoir aux Quat'Saisons, which is this really fancy eating establishment and hotel, and I almost got conned into eating testicles. It was one of the most delicious meals I've ever eaten, about twelve courses. That was one of the courses. — Lucy Punch

The smell would have given me an erection if I'd still had testicles. — Garth Stein

Following his studies with Carrel, Voronoff worked in Egypt for the Egyptian king. Voronoff soon became fascinated with the eunuchs that were part of the king's harem. In particular, he noted that the castration they received seemed to increase the speed at which the eunuchs aged. This observation was the beginning of Voronoff's obsession with a surgical answer to aging. Likely inspired by the pioneering work of his mentor and the excitement of the new surgical techniques, Voronoff began to dabble in experimental transplantation. But he went beyond the techniques that his mentor had perfected. In early experiments Voronoff transplanted the testicles of a lamb into an old ram, claiming that the transplant served to thicken the ram's wool and increase its sex drive. These early studies foreshadowed the work that would follow. — Nathan Wolfe

What was the old saying? If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna give you problems. — P.C. Cast

Yeah, well lucky for you, once you stop gagging on your testicles you'll be fine. — Jewel E. Ann

It would be a miracle to solve this case. Luckily, I believed in miracles. No, wait, that was testicles. I believed in testicles. — Darynda Jones

Cojones: testicles; a valorous bull fighter is said to be plentifully equipped with these. In a cowardly bullfighter they are said to be absent. — Ernest Hemingway,

And the testicles of the fathers hang down like old lace — Robert Penn Warren

The school remained open. I thanked Allah that the Americans operated differently. Had the Lebanese lost 241 men in one day, and had we the power and the reach, we would have American males hung from their testicles and set on fire. The frame of mind that dictates our actions quashes our ability to develop the power and reach exhibited by the Americans, I thought. — Sam Wazan

He was wise in the ways of pain. He had to be, for he felt none.

When the Xenons put electrodes to his testicles, he was vastly entertained by the pretty lights.

When the Ylls fed firewasps into his nostrils and other body orifices the resultant rainbows pleased him. And when later they regressed to simple disjointments and eviscerations, he noted with interest the deepening orchid hues that stood for irreversible harm.

"This time?" he asked the boditech when his scouter had torn him from the Ylls.

"No," said the boditech.

"When?"

There was no answer.

"You're a girl in there, aren't you? A human girl?"

"Well, yes and no," said the boditech. "Sleep now."

He had no choice.

- 'Painwise — James Tiptree Jr.

Good. How about you find the balls that are attached to your dicks, draw them out of your abdominal cavity and show me."
"You want to see our testicles, Coach?" Mike asked, making his way backward down his ladder.
"Maybe when I find my magnifying glass, Mr. Brown! I won't be able to tell the difference between what you call testicles and raisins."
Mike gasped for air. "My balls are sweeter, sir!"
Lids narrowed over his black marbles. "Glad to know how flexible you are, Mr. Brown. That'll come in handy for the rest of my practice." Watkins added with a growl, "If you are still alive. — Ashlan Thomas

You know, one time I saw Tiger down at the waterhole: he had the biggest testicles of any animal, and the sharpest claws, and two front teeth as long as knives and as sharp as blades. And I said to him, 'Brother Tiger, you go for a swim, I'll look after your balls for you. — Neil Gaiman

There was something strangely compelling about a Japanese guy with lamb-chop sideburns and a voice so shrill you could be forgiven for thinking his testicles were wired to the national grid. — Jamie Holoran

He told me that when a male honeybee mates, its testicles explode and the penis is left inside the queen bee. — Jill Shalvis

I am not a fan of Sigmund Freud because his theories are not testicle. — Richard Wiseman

I asked him what his work was. He answered that he devoted all his time to his political activities ... He was undoubtedly busy with the diplomatic relations between his testicles and women's breast. — Marjane Satrapi

I am not a total pervert. Although, to be honest, consider the night we've been having. First handcuffs, and
now this? Way more kinky than I expected."
"Please," M'cal said. "Do not talk."
"You like the strong and silent type, huh?"
"If you do not shut up, I will kill you with my voice."
"I love it when you talk dirty."
"Fine. Which would you prefer to lose first? Your soul or your testicles?"
"You know, you're just a bit obsessed with chopping off balls. Do you have issues with your masculinity? — Marjorie M. Liu

Confucius say man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag. — Confucius

It's not funny, Kacey!" I hiss. "That guy forced himself on me!"
She rolls her eyes but then, after a long pause, she sighs. "Yeah, you're right." Reaching over, she pinches the guy's arm without hesitation. "Hey, buddy!"
"You do that to her again and I'll sneak into your room and rip your balls off while you sleep, capisce?" she warns with a pointed finger. Most times my sister's threats involve the mutilation of testicles. — K.A. Tucker

This is poetry, but it is not delicate and fragile, a placid ocean beneath a Bible vese on an inspirational poster. This poetry had testicles. It's rougher than a rodeo. Which is why the cliffs are crowded with spectators — N.D. Wilson

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. — Confucius

He flashed a grin over his shoulder at me. "Ready to be astounded?"
I eyed him. "You're not going to drop your trousers and demand I admire your gorgeous testicles, are you?"
"Not after you disparaged their beauty. — Katie MacAlister

The anxious wait lasted four years, and the alert ears never despaired of hearing, at any moment, the voice of the great conch shell which would bellow through the hills to announce to all that Macandal had completed the cycle of his metamorphoses, and stood poised once more, sinewy and hard, with testicles like rocks, on his own human legs (36-37). — Alejo Carpentier

Special. Cute. Friends. He wished she'd just cut his testicles off and be done with it already. Depending on the next adjective she chose for him, he would either qualify as a card-carrying member of Emasculated Men's Club or a Muppet. No wonder he avoided love for as long as he had. When it went unrequited, it truly sucked. — Jennifer Shirk

The ram, a huge wooly creature named Hughie, with testicles that hung nearly to the ground like wool-covered footballs, shouldered his massive way into the front rank with a loud and autocratic Bahh! — Diana Gabaldon

In the story, the eunuch was riding along the desert road in his chariot reading Isaiah, and he was returning from Jerusalem having gone there to worship. But I started to wonder if he was also familiar with Deuteronomy, specifically 23:1, which says, No one whose testicles are cut off or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord. (Why John 3:16 is the most popular verse in the Bible and not Deuteronomy 23:1 is beyond me.) — Nadia Bolz-Weber

You're such a crybaby. (Tee) Let me almost shoot off one of your testicles and see how you cope. (Joe) You shouldn't have moved, Joe. It was your fault. (Tee) Yeah, everything's my fault. (Joe) Good, then we agree. (Tee) — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Travel broadens the mind. Travel shrinks the wallet. Travel shrivels the testicles. — Zanesh Catkin

The charge took less than forty seconds but Kassad discovered that this was ample time for his mouth to go absolutely dry, his breathing to begin to have problems, and for his testicles to retreat completely into his body. If the rest of Kassad could have found a comparable hiding place, he would have seriously considered crawling into it. — Dan Simmons

Beware of averages. The average person has one breast and one testicle. — Dixie Lee Ray

You'd really spend about a hundred dollars for fake testicles for your cat? I'm not sure I'd spend that for fake testicles for myself. — John Dobbin

My voice is the only material thing in which I can still reveal myself. Go ahead and cut off the hand or the testicles of a voice. Try to find the head of a voice, the orifice through which it passes, or even the breasts to which you can attach the clips of your electrodes. Nothing. Resonant tooth. — Abdellatif Laabi

Nobody fights with Jerry because you know the price would be too high. You might come out the winner, at his age, you might even lick him, but you'd lose an eye, an arm, your testicles in the process, everything would be gone. — Frank Layden

You see..." Nash said, acting doctorly, "you've got to keep the testicles away from the body's heat for optimal sperm count." He snatched two chicken balls from the container in front of him and cupped them in his hand. He laid a spring roll between them. "That's the biggest source of the sperm count issue for many men: their choice of underwear keeps their testicles snug up against the body. The testes become overheated. — Jean Oram

Most directors make films with their eyes; I make films with my testicles. — Alejandro Jodorowsky

Addressing the problem required standing up and shoving his hand into his pants to free his testicles from the grip of his underwear. He was not ready for such a commitment, so he endured. The mind can imagine nothing except while the body endures. — Aleksandar Hemon

Ebola Zaire attacks every organ and tissue in the human body except skeletal muscle and bone. It is a perfect parasite because it transforms virtually every part of the body into a digested slime of virus particles. The seven mysterious proteins that, assembled together, make up the Ebola-virus particle, work as a relentless machine, a molecular shark, and they consume the body as the virus makes copies of itself. Small blood clots begin to appear in the bloodstream, and the blood thickens and slows, and the clots begin to stick to the walls of blood vessels. This is known as pavementing, because the clots fit together in a mosaic. The mosaic thickens and throws more clots, and the clots drift through the bloodstream into the small capillaries, where they get stuck. This shuts off the blood supply to various parts of the body, causing dead spots to appear in the brain, liver, kidneys, lungs, intestines, testicles, breast tissue (of men as well as women), and all through the skin. — Richard Preston

so any limitations to our mutual fertility fell squarely on my shoulders - or rather, on my testicles. — Dalton Conley

The fairy tale about the people who freely detach and re-attach appendages still inspires Sam. He remembers the character who interchanged his earlobes and testicles so he could acutely hear his ejaculations and enjoy a tightening at the side of his head whenever the weather got cold. — Barry Webster

I've always felt that the placement of a man's testicles is an eloquent argument against intelligent design. — Mark Lawrence

The human louse somewhat resembles a tiny lobster, and he lives chiefly in your trousers. Short of burning all your clothes there is no known way of getting rid of him. Down the seams of your trousers he lays his glittering white eggs, like tiny grains of rice, which hatch out and breed families of thier own at horrible speed. I think pacifists might find it helpful to illustrate thier pamphlets with enlarged photographs of lice. Glory of war indeed! In war all solderies are lousy, at the least when it is warm enough. The men that fought at Verdun, at Waterloo, at Flodden, at Senlac, at Thermopylae - every one of them had lice crawling over his testicles. — George Orwell

The recipes of the dishes served Khubilai Khan still survive. They include a variety of foods but maintain the traditional Mongol emphasis on meat and dairy products. The members of the Mongol court ate such delicacies as strips of mutton tail fat dusted with flour and baked with leeks. Bull testicles fried in hot oil, basted with saffron paste, and sprinkled with coriander. Mutton boiled with cardamom and cinnamon and served with rice and chickpeas. Young eggplant stuffed with chopped mutton, fat, yogurt, orange peel, and basil. — Jack Weatherford

Liver, lungs, heads, tails, kidneys, testicles, all of these things which are traditional, delicious and nutritious parts of our gastronomy go to waste. — Tristram Stuart

My lawyers will fricassee your testicles for breakfast. And if you dare board my plane without a warrant, your spleen will follow. — Dan Brown

If there was a god, I'd still have both nuts. — Lance Armstrong

The spirits of the brain are directly connected to the testicles. This is why men who weary their imagination in books are less suitable for procreative functions ... — Louis De La Forge

When anesthesia was developed, it was for many decades routinely withheld from women giving birth, since women were "supposed" to suffer. One of the few societies to take a contrary view was the Huichol tribe in Mexico. The Huichol believed that the pain of childbirth should be shared, so the mother would hold on to a string tied to her husband's testicles. With each painful contraction, she would give the string a yank so that the man could share the burden. Surely if such a mechanism were more widespread, injuries in childbirth would garner more attention. — Nicholas D. Kristof

But now Nature starts doing things. The hormones start rolling and those old testicles start producing and all the rest of it
like breathing. You don't go around asking for it. It happens. It happened to me when I was twelve.
(Sean) — Paul Zindel

Most of the Masters at The Zone would have given both of their testicles for the right to top the Ice Queen. — Joey W. Hill

What is your least favorite part of the male anatomy?" "Uh ... what?" "Come on." I nudged her shoulder. "You have to have a least favorite part." Marie stared at me for a beat then blinked rapidly. "Really? I just pour out my heart to you and ... ." "Balls," Ashley announced unceremoniously from her place on the floor. Elizabeth snickered. "Oh, my lord." Marie covered her face with her hands and shook her head. I ignored her and leaned closer to Ashley. "I know, right? I mean, shouldn't those things be on the inside?" Janie's thoughtfully distracted voice chimed in. "I feel like the rest of the male body makes a lot of sense. And then ... balls." "Yes!" "It makes me think maybe God is an alien or ran out of alluring parts before he got to the male reproductive system." "They never look nice; it's basically impossible. You can't dress them up, and I've seen a lot of balls in the ER. I've never seen a man's balls and thought to myself, Now that guy has a great set of testicles — Penny Reid

If its got tires or testicles it's going to give you trouble — P.C. Cast

I've been sniffing out the guys in my English class (to the extent that this is possible without getting my throat cut), but they smell the same way they always do: like feet and testicles. As opposed to freesias.
I don't want to keep sniffing them, Lyd.
- Letter from Seb to Lyd. — Jaclyn Moriarty

Some of the men were dressed like Peter and wore red plaid hunting jackets or bulky tan Carhartt jackets or lined flannel shirts, and all of those men were wearing jeans and work boots. Some of the men wore ski jackets and hiking boots and the sort of many-pocketed army green pants that made you want to get out of your seat and rappel. Some of the men wore wide-wale corduroy pants and duck boots and cable0knit sweaters and scarves. It was a regular United Nations of white American manhood. But all the men, no matter what they were wearing, were slouching in their chairs, with their legs so wide open that it seemed as though there must be something severely wrong with their testicles. — Brock Clarke

IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT'S GONNA GIVE YOU TROUBLE. - BUMPER STICKER — Darynda Jones

Depression grabbed me like a piranha on the testicles of an Amazonian warrior. I couldn't tell where the pain was worse: my arm, my whole back, or my heart. — James Crawford