Ted 2 Funny Quotes & Sayings

I'm just looking for a little mystery in life ... like things you can't explain. Like, you go to Mexico, they tell you don't drink the water. You go to any diner here, who brings you the water? It's a mystery. — Ted Alexandro

I think the more you hone your voice, take risks and talk about things that matter, the better chance you have of getting into the realm of the philosophers of stand up. But you have to be funny. — Ted Alexandro

After this, I can't resist. Between you, me, and the rest of us, Ted, it's starting to show. You'd better work out, or getting fat off Daddy might be harder to hide. — Cindy Martinusen Coloma

At the time, my 6-year-old kept thinking my character's name was "Sam Alone," which is kind of brilliant. The funny came out of Sam's sad core: the alcoholic, the sex addict, the person who thinks he's God's gift. — Ted Danson

It's a funny thing, but, as years go by, I think you appreciate more and more what a great thing it was to be a United States Marine ... People will tell me what a shame it was I had to go back into the service a second time, but I'm kinda glad I did.. Besides, I am a U.S. Marine and I'll be one till I die. — Ted Williams

Clubs rattled behind them. Skeet Cooper rubbed the corner of his mouth with his thumb and rose from the bench. "Looks like Kenny's caddy's here."
Dallie lifted an eyebrow as his son stepped up on the tee carrying Kenny's bag.
Ted smiled. "Sorry I'm late. Mom made me eat breakfast. Then she started fussing with my hair, don't ask me why."
Dallie took the driver Skeet handed him. "Funny you didn't mention that you were going to caddy for Kenny today."
"Must have forgot." Ted smiled and shifted the bag. "I told Skeet."
Dallie shot Skeet an annoyed look that didn't bother Skeet one bit. Kenny gestured toward the tee. "Be my guest. I believe in showing respect for the elderly and the infirm. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

It's funny: when you're tranquil, you will seem to radiate light, and if someone were to paint a portrait of you like that, I'd insist that they include the halo. But when you're unhappy, you will become a klaxon, built for radiating sound; a portrait of you then could simply be a fire alarm bell. — Ted Chiang

To do something funny, you have to have experienced it in real life and digested it in a way that amuses you. — Ted Danson

Ted and I had history," Jake said. "We were in love. This hurts all the time. I never stop thinking about how much this hurts."
Zoe stretched out her arms and pretended to play a goddamn violin. — Carolyn Mackler

I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat. — Ted Alexandro

someone like Grace. Someone exactly like Grace, with her Ted Bundy rants
and her calming presence and - hello, irony. — Elle Kennedy

That heightened dynamic can produce interesting, funny ideas that are phrased in ways that surprise even you, as the performer. — Ted Alexandro

The funny thing about Thanksgiving ,or any big meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it then go home and cook,chop,braise and blanch. Then it's gone in 20 minutes and everybody lies around sortof in a sugar coma and then it takes 4 hours to clean it up. — Ted Allen

Not that that's the goal, but sometimes these funny insights can also be deeply profound. — Ted Alexandro

Remember at the junior picnic, when someone whipped that dog at Jennifer's head? And Jennifer was laughing, like it was funny? Ted never copped to it, but I know he did it. I saw him. A-hole.'
Rachel shakes her head in disgust. 'She probably deals with that kind of crap every day ... '
'That's it. I'm going to ask Jennifer if she wants to sit with us today ... I don't like those little turds thinking they can make fun of her because she's on the list. Don't they have any respect for the fact that she's a senior? If she's with us, they wouldn't dare say anything. — Siobhan Vivian

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is a form of service journalism. To be successful, I think it has to be a combination of a good story, it has to be funny, and it also needs to be packed with useful information. — Ted Allen

I suppose I could have been nicer when I was at Columbia. I could have been polite, respectful, turned in my papers on time. Funny thing is, I knew a guy like that. English major. Loved to read. Never got in any trouble, just hung out in Butler Library reading poetry and English history. Ran into him the other day. Guy has three master's degrees, taught high school, even did a few years in the Marines. Know what he does today?
He makes $9.75 an hour as a librarian.
I was a jerk when I went to Columbia. But I was never a sucker. — Ted Rall

Sometimes charm can make a person blind to truth ... look at Ted Bundy. — Shelley K. Wall

I think comedy is no different now than it was at other points. It takes a long time to get good and know how to distill what makes you funny beyond the realm of standup, which is what I'm trying to do with Teachers Lounge. — Ted Alexandro

But a funny thing happened four years later. I was invited to play for an alumni team against the Red Wings. — Ted Lindsay

If you're funny, you can find a stage to get on. If you're good, you'll start to get work and eventually get paid. — Ted Alexandro

I couldn't think of anything helpful to say, so I resorted to humor, my shield of last resort. 'Just please tell me they don't have a dog and a picket fence.'
He smiled. 'No fence, but a dog, two dogs.'
'What kind of dogs?' I asked.
He smiled and glanced at me, wanting to see my reaction. 'Maltese. Their names are Peeka and Boo.'
'Oh, shit, Edward, you're joking me.'
'Donna wants the dogs included in the engagement pictures.'
I stared at him, and the look on my face seemed to amuse him. He laughed. 'I'm glad you're here, Anita, because I don't know a single other person who I'd have admitted this to. — Laurell K. Hamilton

Everyone is a Butthole. — Ted Aramac

I've seen people who are not very likeable but hilarious. I think comedians get to a point where they know they're funny, so they don't care - in the sense that they know what they're doing. They have a skill. — Ted Alexandro

Ozzy, God bless him, is super talented. He is a great man. He is a man of heart and soul and goodwill. He is a very funny man but he is a perfect poster child of why I have never touched drugs, alcohol, tobacco or fast food. — Ted Nugent

I believe in a reasonable amount of "right to bear arms". But private citizens of the United States are not allowed to own nuclear weapons. I always wanted a nuclear weapon, if I could have gotten one. I'm every other kind of power, but I'm not a nuclear power. — Ted Turner