Super Humor Quotes & Sayings

It's super cloudy right now but I think I can see the northern lights from my room. Another observation: Every light is a strobe light, if you just blink fast enough, and drink enough vodka.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz — Karen Quan

I believe that singing is the key to long life, a good figure, a stable temperament, increased intelligence, new friends, super self-confidence, heightened sexual attractiveness, and a better sense of humor. — Brian Eno

There was some kind of X-men emergency, so all the teachers were gone. This happens every now and then. It's one of the perks of having super heroes for your teachers - when the world is about to end (which is like at least twice a month), school gets canceled. Heck, three weeks ago there was a big chemistry final for the upperclassmen. Beast was the teacher - he's this big, burly guy who can do acrobatic stuff like a monkey, but he also happens to be a super-genius. He's, like, legendary for his tough finals, so there were kids walking through the halls, going, Oh, God, please let Galactus try to eat the earth. Please please please let there be an alien invasion by the Skrulls! — Barry Lyga

What did the Faerie that attacked you look like?"
"Super creepy. Ripped jeans, weird tattoos, bad hair. And, come to think of it, really nice boots ... "
"Where?"
"On his feet."
Sonny winced and rubbed his temples. "Where were you attacked, Kelley?"
"Okay, see ... that was a joke. — Lesley Livingston

I thrust the picture at his chest. He takes it and squints at it in the softening light. Then his eyes widen. "Holy shit," he breathes. "Is this the girl that ate you?"
"Ha, no. You're funny." I snatch my picture back. "So I was super fat. It's my father's fault. He never hugged me."
"So, what, you ate him? — Nicole Christie

Remember, our kind protects you Normals from the Pures. We are the rope tied between man and super-beast. A rope forever dangling from the precipice.
I tap Zetania's shoulder and ask, "What's a precipice?"
"A cliff's edge," she whispers.
Precipice. Must be a French word. — Daven Anderson

Carlisle says Siobhan's super power was the ability to do whatever the hell she wanted. I swear, that's what Carlisle says. Her super power was the ability to will something into existence. Siobhan wanted the vampire Maggie to stick around with her and Liam, and, POOF, Maggie did, all because Siobhan wanted it. Dr. Cullen theorizes that Bella has a similar power. She's not acting like a typical newborn vampire because Bella decided not to be a typical newborn vampire.
That thud you heard was my brain trying to make a run for it and slamming into my skull. Also, you may hear soft weeping. I'm still crying. — Dan Bergstein

Not that she wasn't hot - she was super, mega, hot - but not.. approachable. Like, not even the Rock would dare to whistle at her, if you know what I mean. — Stephenie Meyer

But she just couldn't stop checking her phone; she wanted
to stop, tried to stop, but the pull would not let her go. It was
a strange experience for her to be doing the obsessive phone-checking
thing. Vanessa talked about it, and she had heard stories
about it from other friends. One date with a guy and suddenly
the phone becomes like an appendage endowed with some super
power to predict your future. — Jacqueline Simon Gunn

Batman doesn't have any superpowers. He's not superhuman. He's not super. So therefore he can't be a superhero. — Craig Silvey

A sense of humor is important. I'm always attracted to a girl with confidence. In terms of looks, I don't have a type. I think a lot of girls think that they have to be super-thin, to meet the Hollywood image, but I think a girl who is voluptuous is very beautiful. — Corey Sevier

Percy says be talked to a Nereid in Charleston Harbor!"
"Good for him!" Leo yelled back.
"The Nereid said we should seek help from Chiron's brothers."
"What does that mean? The Party Ponies?" Leo had never met Chiron's crazy centaur relatives, but he'd heard rumors of Nerf sword-fights, root beer-chugging contests, and Super Soakers filled with pressurized whipped cream.
"Not sure," Annabeth said. "But I've got coordinates. Can you input latitude and longitude in this thing?"
"I can input star charts and order you a smoothie, if you want. Of course I can do latitude and longitude! — Rick Riordan

So, let's make a deal: If you do not voice all the withering comments about the weight or uselessness of this jacket that are no doubt swirling in that big brain of yours, then I will not mention the super-laser episode again. Agreed?"
This jacket is really cutting into my shoulders, thought Artemis. And it's so heavy that I could not outrun a slug.
But he said, "Agreed. — Eoin Colfer

Apparently Super Max was pretty content with taking care of half the town, such was his wonderfulness. — Kristen Ashley

I tried to will them with my super mental powers so he'd put them around my waist, but apparently I had no super mental powers. — J.A. Redmerski

Yeah, well, it's been a super fun week. And by 'super fun' I mean 'horrible and endless'. — MaryJanice Davidson

You know what happens on live TV?
Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Boob happens on live TV. Adele Dazeem happens on live TV. President Al Gore happens on live TV — Shonda Rhimes

I love seeing other channels counterprogram the Super Bowl. PBS: DAMN RIGHT we're airing a new 'Masterpiece Classic'! Fuck off, sports! — Tara Ariano

Dear Mr. Garry,
Let us face it. Small considerations, magnified by the conventions, are not important to people like you and me. It is our duty to found a super-race together. My background of deep study into esoteric matters has convinced me that the only thing that can save the race is to people the world with the superior strain evident in both of us. I enclose a nude photograph of myself and will appreciate it if you will do likewise. I am thirty three years old and have kept myself sacrosanct awaiting this great moment. — Theodore Sturgeon

Yes I am sure I am Super Woman now add more Spanx to the spandex in my suit please ;) — Kim Cormack

Grace Murphy, defender of the downtrodden! Snarking one villain at a time with her acerbic wit and pointy boobs! If there was going to be super-natural mojo involved in my life, the least I could ask for was non-sagging boobs. — Nicole Hamlett

Use your head, Sep. Loads of wolverines. Hanging around waiting for super. Gtting excited. eating mint blasts. so what do you think they do?'
it must be here. they can't have eaten that ... i dunno, Nik, what do they do?'
POO. — Angie Sage

You lie, in faith; for you are call'd plain Kate,
And bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the curst;
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom
Kate of Kate Hall, my super-dainty Kate,
For dainties are all Kates, and therefore, Kate,
Take this of me, Kate of my consolation;
Hearing thy mildness praised in every town,
Thy virtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded,
Yet not so deeply as to thee belongs,
Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife. — William Shakespeare

Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges. — Frankie Boyle

Wilbur looked at the list glumly. "Are you sure you need all this stuff?"
"Yep."
"The ax?"
"The ax is critical."
"The chalk?"
"The chalk is super-critical."
"The bungee cords?"
"Bungee cords are the single most useful object in the universe, Wilbur. People may say it's duct tape, but it's actually bungee cords. All great heroes know this. — Ursula Vernon

Another piece of Zygo-Gogozizzle 24 ended up landing in a grape vineyard on planet Pinot. The Zygo-Gogozizzle 24 was quickly absorbed into the soil and was subsequently soaked up into the grapes. These grapes, which had until recently been harvested almost to extinction, suddenly became self-aware and super intelligent. They banded together in bunches and rose up to defeat their oppressors. The battle lasted one whole night, but sadly, it ended the next morning when the sun came up. The rebellion shriveled when the poor grapes ran out of juice. Apparently there's a raisin for everything. — Dav Pilkey

Reckoner Super Plan for Killing Regalia ...
Step One: find Regalia, then totally explode her. Lots and Lots.
Step Two: put Val on decaf.
Step Three: Mizzy gets a cookie. — Brandon Sanderson

And how is Jamie doing?"
"Fine. He seems to be spending a lot of time in the shower," I noted quietly, my voice so low that even Jamie's super hearing couldn't pick it up.
Dick chuckled, followed by Zeb and Gabriel.
"What?"
"Remember that summer I turned thirteen and my mom complained that she couldn't ever get me out of the bathroom?" Zeb asked.
"Yeah, but that's because you were-" I slapped my hand over my mouth. "Oh!"
"Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting," Zeb said. ""It's one big, horrifying miracle."
"Augh!" I grumbled. — Molly Harper

Since Stark had come back from the Otherworld, he'd been too weak and out of it to do much more than eat, sleep, and play computer games with Seoras, which was actually a super weird sight, it was like high school meets Braveheart meets Call of Duty. — P.C. Cast

The question is are you okay?" he asked, looking down at her with concern. "That was quite a spill you took."
"I ... I'm fine." Her gaze centered on his mouth. Then, she did the most torturous thing she could have done to a man whose lower torso was pressed against hers and whose mouth was just a few scant inches from those fleshy, pink lips. She ran her tongue across her lips to wet them. And he thought super glue got hard fast. — Lindsey Brookes

If the Super Bowl is the ultimate game, how come there is another one next year? — Duane Thomas

It's good to leave your room super-messy when you're away. Whoever tries to break into your room will thought it has already been ransacked. — Douglas Adams

And then Dieter was like, 'Over my dead body!'
"And I was thinking my roomie was about to get his wish.
"And then Rei got super vampy and was like, 'Yield to my power!'
"And then Dieter started grunting and looked super uncomfortable.
"And then Rei took a step forward.
"And then Dieter dropped to his knees, but a moment later he started going 'Reee!'
"And I was like, 'Oh, for the love of God, please don't kill me.'
"And then Rei walked over and elbowed him in the head ...
"That's about it. Oh, and there were grenades. — B. Justin Shier

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. — Bill Watterson

I'm the Super-sized McShizzle, man!" Leo said. "I'm Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies love a bad boy. — Rick Riordan

Did you talk to him about it?"
"Oh, sure. Nothing happened, yadda yadda. The usual. But my maydar went off like crazy."
"Maydar?"
"As in, he may be thinking about super hot sex with her. Like radar, only not as sure. — Rachel Caine

[ ... ] a super-rat. I nailed it across the eyes once with a lucky shot with the butt of my gun, but it got up again and shat in my telephone. — Warren Ellis

Your super powers are safe. I made sure your magic underwear is in place, Jockboy. — Joseph Lance Tonlet

Congratulations. Your official super-nerd badge is in the mail. — Rachel Vincent

Hindsight isn't a super power. — SE Zbasnik

Oh, for God's sake," I said. "Just give me the stupid thing." I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. "GPS," Ranger said to Morelli. "Probably I can find her breast without it," Morelli said. "But it's good to know there's a navigational system on board if I need it. — Janet Evanovich

I resented the reference to my super ninja moves as "sneaking around." "Displaying superior stealth" or "using viper-like reflexes" would have been much better — Emma Raveling

He, Jeff, and Troy Lee carried Super Soakers loaded with Grandma Lee's Vampire Cat Remedy, other Animals had garden sprayers slung on their backs, except for Gustavo, who thought that making him carry a garden sprayer was racial stereotyping. Gustavo had a flame thrower. He wouldn't say where he got it.
"Second Amendment, cabrones." (The guy who sold Gustavo his green card had included two amendments from the Bill of Rights and Gustavo had chosen Two and Four, the right to bear arms and freedom from unreasonable search and seizure. [His sister Estrella had had seizures as a child. No bueno.] For five bucks extra he threw in the Third Amendment, which Gustavo bought because he was already sharing a three-bedroom house in Richmond with nineteen cousins and they didn't have any room to quarter soldiers.) — Christopher Moore

It's simply about gratitude and honor. It's about finding the joy in each of life's little facets, even the ones that are otherwise considered mundane. It's all a matter of perspective, I guess. Each day can be as joyous as you want to make it. Every day can be Super Powerful Happy Goddess Fun Time Day. Kumbaya. — Michelle Colston

Eternity is not a super-abundance of time, but timelessness. — Vijay Balakrishnan

There are a lot of movies with vampires and monsters and super-great effects, but if there's no humor or human relations, I don't think it's ever worth seeing. — Harald Zwart

I've dated girls that aren't, this is gonna sound so horrible, that aren't super smart, but they still are super confident, and that's more what I've been attracted to is the confidence and the sense of humor. — Parker Young

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal. — Dave Attell

Paris answered for him. "Last time he spread the flashing love, Reyes threw up all over his shirt. I never laughed so hard in my life. Lucien, though, has no sense of humor and vowed never to take us again."
"I'm surprised you didn't mention the part where you fainted," Lucien said wryly.
Strider chortled. "Oh, man. You fainted? What a baby!"
"Hey," Paris said, frowning at Lucien. "I told you I hit my head midflash."
Lucien — Gena Showalter

Take Tom Jones and mix him with Enrico Caruso, the Italian tenor-cum-castrato singer. Then add tons of pathetic love songs, faked sex appeal and musical kleptomania focusing on Western hits from the 1970s. Spice it up with a political flexibility rare even for Central European standards and a personal status close to that of the Pope. What do you get? Karel Gott, Czech pop music's most mega-super, long-lasting and brightest star. — Terje B. Englund

I always cast people with a sense of humor because people that are super serious don't understand when I ask them to eat a booger it's not necessarily about that. It's about something more. It's about inviting a little bit of absurdity into the process and humanity into the process. Making sure that no matter who we are and what sort of pedestal or glamorous lighting we're under, we're all eating boogers man. — David Gordon Green

Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small. — Barbara Seaman

Yeah," Tamara said. "An old bowling alley. There must be a town not too far from here. But how could Aaron be there? And don't say something like 'working on his score' or 'maybe he's in a bowling league' or something like that. Be serious."
Call leaned against the rough bark of a nearby tree and resisted the urge to sit down. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to get up again. "I'm serious. It might be hard to tell in the dark, but I have my most super-serious face on. — Cassandra Clare

This [oatmeal] represents your soul in its pure state. Your soul on the day you were born. You were perfect. You were happy. You were good.
Now, enter Concept Number Two: crap. Don't worry, folks. I don't use actual crap up here. Only imaginary crap. You'll have to supply the crap, using your mind. Now, if someone came up and crapped in your nice warm oatmeal, what would you say? Would you say: 'Wow, super, thanks, please continue crapping in my oatmeal'? Am I being silly? I'm being a little silly. But guess what, in real life people come up and crap in your oatmeal all the time
friends, co-workers, loved ones, even you kids, especially your kids!
and that's exactly what you do. You say, 'Thanks so much!' You say, 'Crap away!' You say, and here the metaphor breaks down a bit, 'Is there some way I can help you crap in my oatmeal? — George Saunders

Don't stop at the Ford's because they're at Gerald Flatt's," a short kid says in passing.
"Super dooper!" Granny's dentures clickity-clack. "Don't stomp on the Lord just because it's raining cats." She nods and adjusts her hearing aid. "Those are words to live by, little man! — Jenny B. Jones

What a lucky girl you are to have this opportunity to live in one of the world's great cities at this most fascinating point in its long, rich history, they had said. Little Becky had known enough not to ask if there was going to be a Banana Republic or a Gap there, or a Tower Records or a Starbucks or a Tweeters or a Blockbuster or a Super CVS or a Saks. Her mother only mentioned museums and concert halls and churches and architecture, so Little Becky was quite sure there was no room left in Prague for anything good to be built. — Nancy Clark

Though he'd never know for sure what had happened to them, his mind was super talented at imagining the absolute worst. — James Dashner

Fuck you . . . you fucking body-dysmorphia porn-addict trust-fund-baby compulsive-masturbation motherfucker. — Warren Ellis

Blahblah new porn series, blahblah hot men, blahblah new hot boytoy from France, blahblah hair products imported from France with the boytoy, blahblah super gay lifestyle. — Santino Hassell

I've been wearing my super gown because someone won't let me go get maternity clothes because they are being a paranoid, drama bear — Alanea Alder

Methamphetamine is so Flowers for Algernon: All that super-human cerebral ability fades to limited physical activities like stapling carpet scraps to the wall or masturbation antics worthy of The Guinness Book of World Records. — Clint Catalyst

Zombie Super Powers, Activate! — Diana Rowland

Why are you so nervous?" Tate looked up to see Lucas giving him a dirty look. "This is easier that the regular season, we go out and have fun."
"No, you get to have fun, I need t be super ninja goalie against every great forward in the league. — Toni Aleo

And it started out fun. We were chattering enthusiastically, flipping between CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News. But as the evening wore on, and the numbers rolled in, it got quieter, and I found myself becoming intensely depressed. Why was I putting myself through this? The issues I've devoted my life to have become so marginalized by the coverage that they have no possible relevance to me. I can't even blame the media - people simply don't care about alternate-party politics. And why should they? I'm so far in the minority that my activism is a joke, a punchline that stopped being funny years ago. It goes beyond rooting for the underdog. It's not rooting for the Giants: it's more like, say, rooting for the Twins. But during the Super Bowl. — Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

I go up," said the elevator, "or down."
"Good," said Zaphod, "We're going up."
"Or down," the elevator reminded him.
"Yeah, OK, up please."
There was a moment of silence.
"Down's very nice," suggested the elevator hopefully.
"Oh yeah?"
"Super."
"Good," said Zaphod, "Now will you take us up? — Douglas Adams

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football. — Matthew D. Heines

The Googleplex Star Thinker is a super-computer from the Seventh Galaxy of Light and Ingenuity and has the ability to calculate the trajectory of every single dust particle during a five-week Dangrabad Beta sand blizzard.
The Deep Thought computer call it a pocket calculator in comparison to itself. — Douglas Adams

Junction nineteen! Una, she came off at Junction nineteen! You've added an hour to your journey before you even started. Come on, let's get you a drink. How's your love life, anyway?"
Oh GOD. Why can't married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn't rush up to THEM and roar, "How's your marriage going? Still having sex?" Everyone knows that dating in your thirties is not the happy-go-lucky free-for-it-all it was when you were twenty-two and that the honest answer is more likely to be, "Actually, last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little Angora crop-top, told me he was gay/a sex addict/a narcotic addict/a commitment phobic and beat me up with a dildo," than, "Super, thanks. — Helen Fielding

S ... For Stupendous!
T ... For Tiger, ferocity of!
U ... For Underwear, Red!
P ... For Power, Incredible!
E ... For excellent physique!
N ... For ... Um ... Something..Hm, well, I'll come back to that ...
D ... For Determination!
U ... For ... Wait, How do you spell this? Is it "I"?? — Bill Watterson

The Super Constellations took three days to reach London [from Australia] and lacked the power or range to dodge most storms. When monsoons or cyclones were encountered, the pilots had no choice but to put on the seat belt signs and bounce through them. Even in normal conditions they flew at a height guaranteed to produce more or less constant turbulence. (Qantas called it, without evident irony, the Kangaroo Route.) It was, by any modern measure, an ordeal. — Bill Bryson