Sexy Humor Quotes & Sayings

Shane was just leaving, too."
"What?" he cried.
I slammed my palms flat against his body. Dear God, there were some nice ridges hiding under that shirt! My hands slid up to his pecks and pushed. "Yeah. You have to go now."
"Are you for real?" he asked. He was slowly backing his way through the room, but it had nothing to do with the strength of my push ... or lack thereof.
"Very. I can't. I need to sleep on this."
With a wicked smile, he flattened his hands over mine and sassed, "I'm all for you sleeping on me. Let's go. — Devon Ashley

You ready for this? You ready for what I'm gonna do to you? — Sherilee Gray

Mew - mew. Mew." I jump back from her finger swipes. "I am fluent in pussy, but I have no idea what this fucking means, Georgia. — Pella Grace

No day should be without romance — Dana Bennett

In a deep sexy voice, she said Windows don't turn me on.
I raised an eyebrow at her, Mac user? — Diane Mott Davidson

She took hold of him through his pants. I want this inside me five minutes ago. — Amber Belldene

Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason. — Nenia Campbell

Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ... — Roberto Hogue

I was grinding away to the climactic moan backtrack when I caught my reflection in the club's mirror, hips rotating, booty shaking. Years later, Grace described my smooth moves as a sad epileptic white girl's imitation of a twerk. Harsh. Could anyone look sexy dancing to lyrics that include "Sucky, sucky. Me sucky, sucky"? I don't think so. — Leah Marie Brown

Jake West had ruined the entire male penis experience for me for eternity. Any dick that wasn't his may as well be flaccid and the size of a pin. — Amity Cross

You're not having sex with him. I know these guys, and you don't. I'm trusting you with Claudia Reeshman. You need to trust me about Dean Robillard."
She wouldn't let him off that easily. "You're looking for a wife. Maybe I'm just looking for a little fun."
"If you need fun," he shot back, 'I'll give you fun."
She was stunned. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

I stopped at a red light, turned my head, and allowed myself to enjoy the handsomeness that was Brent.
He noticed my staring and asked, "What?"
"As if you don't know. You're not the type of guy that a girl gets tired of looking at."
"Oh. Well in that case, you're welcome to look all you want," he said and gestured to himself. "You're allowed to touch, too." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
I lowered my voice into its sexy-husky range. "I was hoping you'd say that." With my flirtiest look on my face, I rubbed my hand slowly up his arm and then pinched him firmly on the shoulder.
"Ow!" Brent rubbed his shoulder and grinned. "Not what I had in mind! — Lani Woodland

Lately, my sexual fantasies revolved around once again having a landlord. Looks, age, and hygiene didn't matter, as long as he had a tool belt and said, Don't worry, I'll fix it. — J.A. Konrath

My sub doesn't pay for me," he says, pulling me to my feet. "That just doesn't happen."
"But we ordered so much," I say helplessly.
"It made you happy," he says simply. "Now I get to play with you. And that makes me happy."
"I don't think it's that simple an equation."
"Maybe not," he concedes. "But then, if if sex were the same thing as math, a lot more people would be lining up to take calculus. — Nenia Campbell

With Mr. Montgomery, I set out to see what it would be like to write a novel in 30 days. It was hell! I'd do it again in a minute. — Nadlee Thims

Many of my ex-girlfriends were habitual half-asian daters. These women considered half-asian men 'exotic,' 'sexy,' and 'just-like-Keanu Reeves-in-the-Matrix. I consider these stereotypes appropriate because I got laid. — Kip Fulbeck

He had three
incision sites: one where the microscopic camera had gone in and
two where they'd done the actual work, and the abuse he'd taken
today went straight to her heart. "Oh, Pace."
"I'm guessing that wasn't an 'Oh, Pace, you're so sexy, take me.' — Jill Shalvis

I hate the vamp jobs. They think they're so suave. It's not enough for them to slaughter and eat you like a zombie would. No, they want to be all sexy, too. And trust me: vampires? Not. Sexy. — Kiersten White

If and American flag had been waving behind her, she'd have looked like a very sexy Marine Corps recruiting poster. The few, the proud, the cottontailed. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Oh for the love of God put a butt plug in the male tough-guy crap. — Larissa Ione

You love that, don't you?" I growled. "Being hammered by my cock ... you must think you're in ... fucking ... heaven."
Punctuation by cock thrust - the very best kind. — Shay Savage

Oh, how I want those lips on mine, and not just the ones I use to communicate. — Lena Black

Jess:"Sasha? I need some tissue to pack my nose with."
Sasha:"Is that hygienically sound?"
Jess:"Sasha ... "
Sasha:"Fine, but if you get toxic shock up your nose, buddy, remember I warned you."
Jess pulled a couple out and wedged them into his nostrils. He gave Abigail a sheepish smile. "Sexy, right?"
Abby: "Oh yeah, baby. You're so hot right now, if I was a chicken I'd lay hard-boiled eggs. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Oh, doctor. I think I'm sick I need some penis-cilin. I fake cough again into my hand. — S.K. Logsdon

The boy really needed a haircut. Didn't he know that shoulder-length hair on guys just wasn't sexy unless you looked like Johnny Depp? — Jody Morse

Hey, sexy. Why haven't you called?" The cooing sound came from behind me, and I glanced back over my shoulder to see a familiar-looking brunette. "Because I'm the asshole who never calls," I replied with a wink. — Abbi Glines

She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it. — Kayti McGee

I judged you unfairly when I met you."
"But you still wanted to kiss me?"
He shrugged, a smirk turning up the right corner of his mouth. "I'm a guy. — Katrina Abbott

Charity knew there was nothing more coarse and common than an afternoon in bed with a total stranger
but the lad installing the telephone had a grin that made her heart turn flips. — Elizabeth Jane Howard

It's funny, this - so many words to describe the same thing," she smiled..."Penis is simply an anatomical appendage, as exciting as a finger or a phalange. A willy is something small and flaccid, and at least slightly humorous. Prick is the organ as viewed with distaste, perhaps with so much as to describe the entire body it's attached to, like a dick, but more so. Phallus is a symbol of fertility, but my favourite...is the cock, which is only ever the hard, real thing, unleashed and ready to dive head-first into any waiting orifice. Or hole, while I'm in thesaurus mode. — Morgana Blackrose

You mentioned something about needing resuscitation?" Her pussy quivered as she mentally visualized him breathing life into her kitty and easing the tension inside her. Her knees buckled and she forced them to straighten. Unable to find her voice she gave a quick, tight nod. He flashed her a bad-boy grin, and in a low, barely controlled voice, he said, "I believe a little mouth to mouth is in order." Mitch's hand slipped between their bodies and cupped her passion-drenched sex. Pleasure engulfed her and she nearly orgasmed right there, on the spot, all over his hand. She clamped her thighs together and leaned into him, her nipples crushed into his chest and tightening to the point of pain. She made a sexy noise and shifted. He sank to his knees, and shot her a glance, all traces of humor gone from his eyes. "Or, rather, a little mouth to kitty." — Cathryn Fox

I was just saying goodnight." Logan quipped and pecked Sienna on the cheek before slipping something in to her hand. She looked down to see it was a sleek new cellphone. He turned to leave but Mrs. Rivers interrupted him.
"Your fly is undone." She told him grimly giving him her the full extent of her medusa glare. If looks could kill, Mrs. Rivers had homicide down to a science. When had that happened? Sienna thought. Probably sometime when they were too busy pressing themselves against each other. Sienna was mortified. Logan however looked mildly amused. He zipped up his trousers and quietly thanked her.

"Oh and Logan, you left your souvenir behind." She added now giving Sienna the full extent of the medusa glare. Logan and Sienna both frowned momentarily before realizing what she meant. He snatched the condom and put it back in his pocket and quickly left the house leaving Sienna to battle with the Gorgon. — Ali Harper

WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? THE MAN'S A VAMPIRE!
Yeah, but he's a really, REALLY sexy one. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Richelle Mead delivers sexy action and tongue-in-cheek hellish humor-if damnation is this fun, sign me up! — Lilith Saintcrow

Well, I'd have more zing with George Clooney and Harrison Ford in a threesome, but neither of us are going to get that wish. — Nora Roberts

She had no idea how long they kissed - and kissed - but she didn't think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.
They'd heated. Darkened. And something else. He wasn't looking so relaxed now. In fact, he was looking the opposite of relaxed. He looked ... feral.
And she was his prey. — Jill Shalvis

Ryker smiled at me. "You learn quick - "

I cut him off. "If you call me grasshopper, I'm going to slug you."

"Padawan."

I shoved him. It was more like shoving a tree. He didn't even flinch. "You're such a nerd."

"Geek, Millie. I'm a geek." His lips twitched and it made me want to raise myself up on my tiptoes and kiss him.

I shot him a grin instead. "Only a nerd would know the difference. — E.M. Denning

Ugh. You're being ... you."
"Was that in English?"
"This is all your fault."
"Nope. Definitely not English."
"You're being all hot and sexy, dammit," she said. She banged her head on his chest a few times. "And I can't seem to ... not notice said hotness and sexiness. — Jill Shalvis

This phone," he says finally. "I want this phone."
She laughs. "No. S'mine."
Janie, I don't think you understand. I want it."
Sorry."
It's got photo caller ID; Internet; video, camera, and digital recorder?! Holy Hannah ... It's making me warm all over."
Oh yeah?" Janie says in a sexy voice. "Wanna play with my phone, baby?"
Hell yes, I do. — Lisa McMann

Absence makes the clitoris grow fonder. — Cassie Mae

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts. — Anita Clenney

I know what party you're talking about. I might have to swing through. Especially if you're going to be there in a costume." He winked and leaned back in his seat.
"I'm going as a homeless person."
"Sexy. — Chanelle Gray

There's lots of sides. The CD doesn't really create a mood. It creates more of a journey. It starts out with a simple bluegrass tune, sort of melancholy and sad, like "Lovin' and Lyin'," then it's sexy and there's some funny songs in there where I'm talking, like "Designated Drunk." There's a humor side, a sexy side, but there's also a pretty sad side, the country side. It's the backwards side of me! — Laura Bell Bundy

He was hot like lava and sexy like cake. Wait, like lava cake. Yum. — Penny Reid

Are you a person who peels off a band-aid slowly or just rips it off all at once? Casey contemplated Alexa's warning, recognizing it for what it was. — Donna McDonald

There was a multitude of sexual scenarios, from a
simple one-on-one couple fucking like bunnies to an
outright orgy with no less than eight people joined like
LEGOs. — Maya Banks

Did you get any blood on your breasts? I'm willing to go the extra mile. — Dannika Dark

One slice of key lime pie. Two forks.' I felt Todd's hand on my arm. 'You'll thank me later.' No doubt I would. — Ophelia London

When you f*** a Vampire, you get a free hat. — Daven Anderson

If you lie there much longer, I'll be tempted to tie you to the table legs and try buttering your ass instead of the toast. — Cari Silverwood

Best surprise ever." I whispered in his face. Then I leaned in and kissed him hard and deep like it was the last kiss I'd ever get.
"Wrong darlin', best hello ever." He grinned — K. Larsen

Here's the deal: no touching, no hand-holding, no flirting, no sexy talk, no dancing, and absolutely no kissy face."

"You didn't mention no sex, did you? I might have you on a technicality."


"You and me alone, eating, talking, maybe even having a good time. Yeah, it might be a date."


"I've seen what's in your pantry, and I respect my arteries too much to indulge."

"That's the thing about snakes - even if they're harmless, they look like such badasses it doesn't really matter."

"You're lying. You're really wearing a pair of granny panties. — Wendy Byrne

For the briefest of moments his eyes sparkled before dimming again. However much I would love to get into a discussion about chastity belts, now is not the time. The people we were fighting were not human in the strictest sense of the word. — Michelle Smart

I tried all kinds of approaches: sexy, friendly, intimidating - nothing worked. I'm starting to think there's an invisible force field that prevents honest communication between X and Y chromosomes. — Jody Gehrman

It's like a meatloaf. — Nicki Elson

I became one of those annoying people who always say Ciao! Only I was extra annoying, since I would always explain where the word ciao comes from. (If you must know, it's an abbreviation of a phrase used by medieval Venetians as an intimate salutation: Sono il suo schiavo! Meaning: "I am your slave!") Just speaking these words made me feel sexy and happy. My divorce lawyer told me not to worry; she said she had one client (Korean by heritage) who, after a yucky divorce, legally changed her name to something Italian, just to feel sexy and happy again. — Elizabeth Gilbert

Wait," I said as Noah slipped a book from a shelf and headed toward the door. "Where are you going?"
"To read?"
But I don't want you to.
"But I need to go home," I said, my eyes meeting his. "My parents are going to kill me."
"Taken care of. You're at Sophie's house."
I loved Sophie.
"So I'm ... staying here?"
"Daniel's covering for you."
I loved Daniel.
"Where's Katie?" I asked, trying to sound casual.
"Eliza's house."
I loved Eliza.
"And your parents?" I asked.
"Some charity thing."
I loved charity.
"So why are you going to read when I'm right here? — Michelle Hodkin

I think a man's "wordplay" can be so fucking sexy!!! I love a good mind fuck!! — Junnita Jackson

Nothing could make me pull away meat-market love goddess. My sexy little filet mignon — John Corwin

Uri stood staring at him, casually looking Gabe's body up and down before saying with a sly grin, "Well hello to you too, sexy. Does your wife know about this?" Uri then motioned with a dainty fingertip to Gabe's ensemble.
Looking down, Gabe quickly realised the robe he had grabbed to cover himself with belonged to Rachel, and much to his dismay, was far too sheer for comfort at the moment. Slipping a well laid hand into place, Gabe huffed and looked at his friend in aggravation, secretly trying not to laugh. — Wendy Owens

Mmmm I like the sounds you're making," he murmured in a honeyed whisper. "I just bet that you're a screamer. Should I have brought earplugs?
Kurt Nielsen — Nikki Sex

Chuckling, I cried, "I'm sorry." I pulled even harder and broke loose from his grip, but I fell backwards onto the floor. He slowly stalked towards me, his smile filled with desire and I pointed my hand at him. "Don't. Behave!"
"Don't behave? I accept your terms of parole."
"That's not what I meant!" But when my smile broke through, he knew I was lying. — Devon Ashley

The lion has to stay outside"
"He won't like it"
The lion shook his mane. I looked at Curran. The lion melted. Skin stretched, bones twisted, and human Curran straightened. He was completely nude. Gloriously nude.
"Well," Hrefna said. "I always wondered why you went all shapeshifter. Explain things. — Ilona Andrews

I think you need to give me a pet name - a term of endearment."
His face was its typical impassive mask, but I could tell that I'd surprised him.
Finally, he said, "Like ... babe?"
"No - that feels awkward and wrong and has undertones of pedophilia. I'm thinking of something more age appropriate, yet affectionate. — Penny Reid

He laughed, a low, sexy growl, as she moaned in obvious frustration. "Patience is a virtue," he said.
"Torture is a federal offense," she replied. — Carla Cassidy

Tallish. Check. Built like a bull. Check. Were there tingles in her downstairs department? Mmhmm. Check. Her pearly gates had gone into override and the doors were ready to burst open. — Cari Silverwood

Audrey didn't understand Piper's obsession with Erik. Yes, he was insanely gorgeous, with dark hair and dark sexy eyes, but he gave off a dick vibe. Piper was such a sweet and funny girl, and Audrey really didn't think they would be good together. But apparently Erik Titov did it for Piper, and who was she to question it? She herself was in love with an ass-hat and lusting over a child. She was in no place to judge anyone on their lusty needs. — Toni Aleo

A woman who knows that she doesn't have to get all decked out to look good is sexy. A woman who can make you feel smart with her conversation skills is also sexy. I believe the sense of humor is important. — Benedict Cumberbatch

Maybe because you're thinking right now that my tractor's sexy." Colby winked at her.

Emma's face turned a shade of beet red, and she threw her arms up in the air frustratedly. "Ugh! Can you please stay out of my thoughts, or at least keep quiet about them when we're around our friends? Please? — Jody Morse

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call. — Meghan Ciana Doidge

It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world. — Cora Carmack

She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing. — Kate Atkinson

Wad Rayyes, you're a man who talks. rubbish. Your whole brain's in the head of your penis and the head of your penis is as small as your brain. — Tayeb Salih

'Yeah,' he said with slow satisfaction. 'You need it bad. Worse than I do.'
I gasped, 'Is it a competition? What do I win?'
'Shh. Turn off for a few seconds, Adrien.'
'A few seconds? Is that all it's
' I caught my breath as his finger moved knowledgeably, unerringly.
'There's the off button,' he murmured. — Josh Lanyon

Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy. — Rachel Caine

Ben was in his truck, window down, idling at the curb, dark lenses hiding his eyes from her, looking effortlessly big and badass.
The way she wished she felt. — Jill Shalvis

The best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned. — Susan Block

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired. — John Green

He looked like a sexy ninja. Or a tiger ready to pounce on his prey. She just looked like she was sitting sideways on an invisible toilet. Curse the male species for making danger look so good! — Leia Shaw

That could be a very sexy story. — LynDee Walker

I love the business. Hooking is
just acting laced with lust."
BUNNY Stilettos And Steel — Jeri Estes

It's a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?! — Martha Sweeney

You should have put it on my shelf in the fridge. And guessing from Catrina's spiel this morning before you guys got here, she's this close to labeling the damn shelf. So hey, pretty soon you won't even have to guess which one is mine."
Gio chuckled at Dante's left. "She's just like Mom."
Dante scowled. "Don't say that shit. It really screws with my head. There's nothing sexy about that thought."
"What, like you married your moth - "
"I said don't fucking say it! — Bethany-Kris

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop. — Jacob M. Appel

Food first," Kellen said firmly, "because I'm a really good cook, and I want you to experience the full awesomeness. And then bed, nice and slow, for pretty much the same reason. — Kaje Harper

You been taking care of yourself a long time, Foxy. You must be fucking hungry for it. I bet you're drenched right now. — Sherilee Gray

They'd used sex instead of communication in the past, and it had turned out disastrously. — Miranda Liasson

Do I really run like that?" (Kitty)
"Yup," Martini confirmed. "Don't worry, I think it's sexy."
"Thank God. I think I look like a cheetah on drugs. — Gini Koch

Amy let him lead her to the dance area. She gasped when he immediately tugged her body against his. Clearly Erik had not learned the dance rules taught at St. Francis High School. He didn't leave room for air, much less a holy presence. — Ana Blaze

Though Jones had formerly believed himself in the very prime of youth and vigor, his first encounter with Lady Bellaston both vexed and puzzled him. For though his own youthful appetites were quickly sated, hers were ravenous and almost beyond his power to satisfy. Her kisses and caresses were a source of inexpressible delight; yet when all was over it was he who collapsed into the most profound slumber. Early the next morning she took him shopping, her manner fresh and cheerful. Jones could not fathom her spritely behavior. And in spite of all his best endeavors, he could scarcely keep his eyes open. — Henry Fielding

Curse the genetics that turn me into a lobster after one hour in the sun while everyone else gets to look like a sexy peanut. — A.M. Robinson

I'd been just like her, a youngster with something to say, a rebel through street art, leaving my mark on public buildings, to taunt the government and humor the public — Kenya Wright

I've a weak spot for women who take the wheel. — Susie M. Hanley

Mr. Montgomery pushes the envelope. It's everything we shouldn't do, yet, he makes us want to, anyway. — Nadlee Thims

If I believed in a god, it would be the god of women's asses. — Shay Savage

I don't want to talk about it," she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. "At all," she added, hearing with some alarm that her voice had softened. Everything had softened, at just his proximity. "Ever," she whispered, and found her gaze locked on his mouth.
He had a really great mouth.
"I don't want to talk, either," that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her. — Jill Shalvis

Because I absolutely, positively cannot fuck you, Lola, he says like it's a formal declaration.
I furrow my brow and salute him, which makes him snicker. — Bianca Giovanni

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom. — Tim Allen

Oh, this is going to be fun; he actually thinks he's teaching me something. — J.A. Redmerski

She has all the right equipment to look sexy, pretty even. She just overdoes everything-like she's a coloring-book women who got scribbled on by a toddler, — Bonnie Shimko