Sex Humor Quotes & Sayings

Homo sapiens is one of the few species on earth that care if they're seen having sex. The impala is unconcerned. The dingo roundly flaunts it. A masturbating chimpanzee will stare straight at you. To any creature other than you and I and 6 billion other privacy-needing H. sapiens, sex is like peeling a mango or scratching your ear. It's just something you do sometimes. — Mary Roach

Sex drives the world and sex in on every human mind, be it a prophet or be it a saint, history has full of evidences. — Santosh Kalwar

...I thought, God, I promise to stay a virgin, just please don't let anyone probe me. — Stephanie Tromly

On our second date, she kissed me in a bar. I invited her home. We just caught the F train, which seemed like a good omen. — Alison Bechdel

I wondered how a man ever got an English girl into bed. What did they do with her hockey stick? — James A. Michener

Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason. — Nenia Campbell

Boys are universal giver, women remains universal receiver. — Santosh Kalwar

With Mr. Montgomery, I set out to see what it would be like to write a novel in 30 days. It was hell! I'd do it again in a minute. — Nadlee Thims

As much as I think about sex, I can only with extreme difficulty conceive of myself actually performing the act. And here's another thing I wonder about. How could you ever look a girl in the eye after you've had your winkie up her wendell? I mean, doesn't that render normal social conversation impossible? Apparently not. — C.D. Payne

Forceful little thing, aren't you?"
"You have no idea. So we doing this or not?"
Those lush lips twitched. "Let me get this straight. We're going to the bathroom, and I'm going to fuck you, and you don't even care to know my name?"
"I'd actually prefer it if you'd keep your stupid mouth closed." Oops. Her hatred was slipping out.
"Well, well. You might just be my soul mate. — Gena Showalter

Would you like to sit?" Kellen asked her.
"You'd better do it soon," Owen whispered close to her ear, "or I'm going to bend you over that table and break the club's no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule. — Olivia Cunning

He's my father, whoever he is, so he must have had sex with my mother at least once, and I'd love to kill him for that. — Dean Koontz

Humor is not debatable. It's like sex. Either you're aroused or you're not. Nobody can reason you around to their point of view. — Jim Carrey

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating. — Chelsea Handler

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.' — Robin Williams

The last time I had sex," I said, "was Halloween."
He nodded slowly. "That was my birthday."
I choked on my waffle. This was getting worse and worse. "No!"
"Why do you think they called me 'Poe'?" I had always guessed it was because he was morose and taciturn and creepy.
"Um ... because 'Hotstuff' was taken? — Diana Peterfreund

The West Sister Dating Rules were clear on the matter of apologies. On the evolutionary scale of dating, a guy who apologized solely for the sake of ending the argument and getting back into your good graces was on the level of primeval slime - especially if he was clearly doing so merely because he was hoping for sex. The proper response was to unveil the offender's deceit by demanding he explain what exactly he was apologizing for, and then scorn him when he betrayed his ignorance. — Alex Gabriel

Have you ever heard of the expression, ladies first"
"Yes"
"Well, it's truer in bed than it is anywhere else. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

These guys may not talk too much about relationships, but they sure do blush at telling moments, don't they? Maybe that's the key to understanding the opposite sex; I could invent a science, call it blushology. — Jody Gehrman

No matter which sex I went to bed with, I never smoked on the street — Florence King

That's the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears. — Anthony Lane

She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it. — Kayti McGee

Time seemed to stand still as they remained embraced, him holding his body weight on his elbows as he looked down at her and grinned.
"Now that's a vacation." She laughed and then his grin fell and he shook his head.
"Like a couple of horny teenagers with no thought of tomorrow and no thought of protection. We should both be shot."
"Can you wait until the glow leaves me before you shoot me?" she asked.
He smiled down at her. "You are glowing. You look gorgeous." "It's the look of a sated woman." "I like it. — Carla Cassidy

Really the only time men and women get along is when women want sex. — Brian South

So you're the guy who did the no-no cha-cha with my baby sister. — Lish McBride

This tree, though, had not been fed on, so it was apparent that the culprit was a bull (elephant) who was filled with testosterone but no outlet for it, so he pushed over trees. It's a great release for a bull and a way of showing his strength after a female has rejected him. If human males had the same ability, global deforestation would be complete by now. — Peter Allison

I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don't think you can beat my vibrator. — Anna Bayes

Stop stalling and spill the beans. What's up?"

Alexi tossed down her fork and leaned in close so no one else could possibly hear. "What's not up? We're like rabbits on Viagra. — Jennifer Saints

The wild women in his lap,' my father enthused, 'laying their breasts on his head.'
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then my mother spoke slowly, with an edge to her voice. 'I think you mean "wild beasts laying their heads in his lap".'
'Do I? — Patrick Rothfuss

In another telling anomaly of the meat-grinding business, many of the larger slaughterhouses will sell their product only to grinders who agree to not test their product for E. coli contamination
until after it's run through a grinder with a whole bunch of other meat from other sources ... It's like demanding of a date that she have unprotected sex with four or five other guys immediately before sleeping with you
just so she can't point the finger directly at you should she later test positive for clap. — Anthony Bourdain

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia. — Jimmy Carr

That's perfect, isn't it? I'm sex and money; you're dead bodies. What a team we are ."
"Best to stick with our strengths. — J.D. Robb

I glance down his body. He's still wearing his shorts and his shirt, and I still have my T-shirt on. Jeez
talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am. — E.L. James

I couldn't handle more railing against Alexi. He'd been a wreck recently. Before I could stop myself I blurted out the rumor running through school: " Max is having sex with multiple partners!" Oh. Crap. ~ Jess — Shannon Delany

Your quick 'no' is because I refused to say 'yes' to sex. They say men think with their dicks. I hope you do not run Easton with your - — Avery Aster

Take Tom Jones and mix him with Enrico Caruso, the Italian tenor-cum-castrato singer. Then add tons of pathetic love songs, faked sex appeal and musical kleptomania focusing on Western hits from the 1970s. Spice it up with a political flexibility rare even for Central European standards and a personal status close to that of the Pope. What do you get? Karel Gott, Czech pop music's most mega-super, long-lasting and brightest star. — Terje B. Englund

The only mingling that interests me at the moment is the mingling of our genitalia. — Laurelin Paige

Reiko set the ball on the ground and patted my knee. "Look," she said, "I'm not telling you to stop sleeping with girls. If you're O.K. with that, then it's OK. It's your life after all, it's something you have to decide. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't use yourself up in some unnatural form. Do you see what I'm getting at? It would be such a waste. The years nineteen and twenty are a crucial stage in the maturation of character, and if you allow yourself to become warped when you're that age, it will cause you pain when you're older. It's true. So think carefully. If you want to take care of Naoko, take care of yourself too."
I said I would think about it. — Haruki Murakami

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. — Drew Carey

Peabody, with me."
She waited until they were back in her office. "Don't hover over McNab like that."
"Sir?"
"You hover over him, you're going to make him think you're worried."
"I am worried. The twenty-four-"
"Worry all you want, dump on me if you need to. But don't let him see it. He's starting to fray, and he's trying hard not to show it. You try just as hard not to show it. If you need to vent, go out there on the kitchen terrace. Scream your lungs out."
"Is that what you do?"
"Sometimes. Sometimes I kick inanimate objects. Sometimes I jump Roarke and have jungle sex. The last," she said after a beat, "is not an option for you."
"But I think it would really make me feel better, and be a more productive member of the investigative team."
"Good, humor is good. Get me coffee. — J.D. Robb

Just as foreplay is the key to good sex, preparation is essential to achieving victory in battle. Right, lieutenant? — Natalia Marx

Ode to Douglas Adams

In the solar system we inhabit, we live on a small planet we all call Earth. Okay, when I say small, I mean it's small compared to say, oh, Jupiter. Earth is something like a dime compared to Jupiter's beach ball. On this Earth is a fairly large country we all call The United States of America. Of course, when I say fairly large, it's like the U.S. is a piece of broccoli next to China's really large cauliflower. Now that I think of it, that may not be a good comparison as it depends on the restaurant you go to. At the place I was at last night it would be a good comparison as the cauliflower was larger than the broccoli. Not that I'd touch either. I had a hamburger with fries and somebody at the next table had those ghastly vegetables.

From the Preface to "Sex and the American Male." I was saddened by the passing of Douglas Adams and wrote the preface to sound a little like his "Hitchhiker's..." books and to honor him. I hope he's smiling. — Jay Williams

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife. — Mark Watson

It's been a while since I've had sex. I figured it was just like riding a bike, the only difference is that after a while, the bike doesn't turn you over and ride you. — Beatrice Stark Girl Detective

Maybe I'm some sort of perverted cartoon-sexual. — Rainbow Rowell

Retirement is like sex. Men love to talk about it but when the time finally comes they're good for about fifteen minutes then they're dying to put their tie back on. — Paula Wall

I USED TO
make love.
Now I
Make coffee. — Chocolate Waters

He's not your type."
Peabody's face clouded exactly as it had when Eve had rejected the perfume. "How come - I like looking at his type."
"Sure, but try to have a conversation with him." Eve dipped her hands in her pockets and rocked back on her heels. "Guy's in love with himself and figures every woman who gets a load of him has to go moony eyed - just like you're doing. He'd bore you to death in ten minutes because all he'd talk about is himself - how he looks, what he does, what he likes. You'd just be his latest accessory."
Peabody considered, watching as the gold-tipped Adonis posed at the check-in counter. "Okay, so we won't bother to talk. We'll just have sex."
"He'd be a lousy lay - wouldn't give a damn if you got off or not."
"I'm getting off just looking at him." But she sighed when he took out a small silver-backed mirror and examined his face with obvious delight. "It's times like this I hate it when you're right. — J.D. Robb

A sure romance killer is to NOT shut the bathroom door. — Toni Sorenson

It was nice of her to want to believe the best about me. People tend to do that with the strangers they're fucking. If she wanted to think that apathy and independence were the same thing, good for her. Maybe she was right. — Paul Neilan

Thanks to a lifetime of brainwashing by Disney and Lifetime and Hallmark, she naively believes glimpsing God during an epic fuck somehow translates into some kind of happily ever after with her Prince Charming. — Lauren Rowe

Boys," Lindsay agreed, nodding. "What doesn't get lost in translation?"
"Things with the letter X in front of them," Rachel posited. "Like X-Box. And X-rated movies. — Nenia Campbell

Your ... Your aura. It's ... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today ... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex? — Richelle Mead

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine. — Natasha Leggero

Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small. — Barbara Seaman

I never should have come back to Jupiter Point. I've ruined everything for Evie."

"That's not true," Suzanne said impatiently. "My cousin's a lot happier since you got here. Regular sex will do that for you."

Josh snorted coffee though his nose, then clapped a hand to his face with a moan of agony. "You should really warn a guy before tossing the word'sex' out there."

"Sorry, big guy. I'll be more careful with your delicate sensibilities from now on," Suzanne teased. — Jennifer Bernard

You're doing it again and it really annoys me. In fact, I will have to kill you now because I have a lot of untamed energy because of the Sex God. I'm going to have to give you a bit of a duffing up." And I shoved her.
She said, "Don't be silly and childish."
I said, "I'm not."
She got up and started making her hair have more bouncability with the air brush thing again. I waited until she had got it just right (in her opinion); then I hit her over the head with a pillow. She started to say, "Look, this is not funn-" but before she could finish I hit her over the head again with the pillow. And every time she tried to talk I did it again. She got all red-faced, which in Jas's case is very red indeed. It made me feel much better. Violence may be the answer to the world's problems. I may write to the Dalai Lama and suggest he tries my new approach. — Louise Rennison

When I did 'Sex and the City,' it was like, 'Let's do a comedy where the humor is not coming from innuendo but from the a truthful place. This is a show where we're going to be able to say and do what we want.' — Darren Star

I cannot, for the life of me, remember what we were just conversing about! Alas. I will forever remember this time we spent together affectionately and oh god I remember now you pervert!"
"You were the one who shouted 'sex'!" He hisses.
"You were the one who was born, so really I think that's the root of the problem. — Sara Wolf

Sex, a switchblade, and motorcycle lessons. You really are making sure my night ends on a high note. — Kelley Armstrong

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.' — Russell Howard

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. — Nenia Campbell

The best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned. — Susan Block

If you want to dance the dance then you better learn the steps, the world has enough pretenders. If you want to practice sex then you better find a partner, and to love you must surrender. — Carroll Bryant

He's hot. Too hot for me. Jeez, if he said the word sex to me I would probably pass-out. — LeeAnn Whitaker

He's like ... 'I thought you were just friends.' You are my friend. You're my best friend. Why doesn't he get that? Anyway ... I think he wants your dad to rally with him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't give a damn about the dry rot in the basement."
I quirked the corner of my mouth dubiously. Dad rallying with Gabriel was pretty unlikely, considering the lengths he had gone to in proving his approval.
Rafael took one look at me, horrified, and I knew we were on the same wavelength. He whispered: "If your dad gives my uncle the safe sex talk ... — Rose Christo

Women like clothes, they like shoes, they like flowers and they like people to look at them and think,'God, she's gorgeous.' The more people who think that, the better it is. The one day in your life where you get all that rolled up into one is your wedding day. And it
comes with jewelry and presents and ends
with a vacation where it's practically law that you have to wear fabulous underwear and have lots of sex. — Kristen Ashley

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield

Cuddling was for great aunts and teddy bears. Cuddling gave him cramp. — David Nicholls

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. — Woody Allen

He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn't his first, and wouldn't be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he would never have sexual relations with his wife again. — Allie Burke

What are you doing? he gasped. He looked slightly ridiculous. It was not as if he was a defenseless damsel in distress. He could have stopped me, if he wanted to. But he didn't want to. Besides, I've always considered this to be the most idiotic question in the world. I'm pulling off your pants to have a good look at your dick and your ass, is the obvious answer. Looking being only the first step, by the way. — Boris Brannigan

Experimenting with touch, he found he barely had to ripple a light fingertip over his sleeping lover, and Tristan would move, twisting until he was melted into Michael's embrace. Stroking Tristan's cheek got Michael a sleepy kiss. Touching Tristan's back or sliding a hand down his spine earned Michael the satisfying squeeze of arms around him. And squeezing Tristan's ass got him a fully awake and erect boy-toy looking for love. — Z.A. Maxfield

You feel bad about yelling in a graveyard after you just tried to have sex with me in a church? — Liliana Hart

Let me be clear: I don't want to make love to a mannequin - I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I know a lot about birds and bees, but I don't know very much about the birds and the bees. Everything I do know I had to teach myself on the Internet, because I don't have anyone to ask. For example, I know that you give someone a blowjob by putting your penis in their mouth. — Jonathan Safran Foer

Junction nineteen! Una, she came off at Junction nineteen! You've added an hour to your journey before you even started. Come on, let's get you a drink. How's your love life, anyway?"
Oh GOD. Why can't married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn't rush up to THEM and roar, "How's your marriage going? Still having sex?" Everyone knows that dating in your thirties is not the happy-go-lucky free-for-it-all it was when you were twenty-two and that the honest answer is more likely to be, "Actually, last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little Angora crop-top, told me he was gay/a sex addict/a narcotic addict/a commitment phobic and beat me up with a dildo," than, "Super, thanks. — Helen Fielding

Today I will masterbate!
Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written Today I will masterbate
if I want to! — Al Franken

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.
I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating someone only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, is into anal beads and duct tape. — Chelsea Handler

People of very different opinions
friends who can discuss politics, religion, and sex with perfect civility
are often reduced to red-faced rage when the topic of conversation is the serial comma or an expression like more unique. People who merely roll their eyes at hate crimes feel compelled to write jeremiads on declining standards when a newspaper uses the wrong form of its. Challenge my most cherished beliefs about the place of humankind in God's creation, and while I may not agree with you, I'll fight to the death for your right to say it. But dangle a participle in my presence, and I'll consider you a subliterate cretin no longer worth listening to, a menace to decent society who should be removed from the gene pool before you do any more damage. — Jack Lynch

Dubya! What in Tarnation!? Why, I'll tan yer hide fer this!So, what's sex like after fifty, anyway? — George W. Bush

What the hell was going on, why did I care, and why, oh why, did I not carry a pocket rocket in my purse? My girlie bits were still on fire, screaming for release after Mr. Sex God's orgasmic touch. — Lisa Sanchez

Once again, to the ladies out there - here's a fact for you: Men pretty much have sex on the brain twenty-four-seven. The exact figure is like every 5.2 seconds or some shit like that. — Emma Chase

Life is like a dry handjob. Just when it starts getting good, it's already over. — Jayme K.

You know what it's like, finding eight middle-aged guys having tantric sex with ostriches? — Warren Ellis

Please, please be some sex-starved nutcase who wants to kidnap me and make me your love slave, I begged silently. — Cate Tiernan

That was some powerful shit. Like mind and pussy-numbing, fuckilepsy inducing, reproductive organ-exploding powerful. You really are some kind of flogger wielding sex God. — Ella Dominguez

I've written for those who want to learn, truly learn, about a community with which they aren't familiar. Or for those who have preconceptions but can admit they may not be entirely accurate (and, in some cases, that they are completely wrong). This means my reader must possess an open mind and a certain level of curiosity. If that's you, proceed to checkout. An uncensored glimpse behind the curtain, hairy backs and all, awaits. — Daniel Stern

The selection process is simple. Hubby exhausts every ploy in his psychological arsenal to filter out the liars, fakes, and undesirables. (If only every husband were so devoted . . .) Me, I try to prove to that I'm not the stereotypical single male. That I'm in the Lifestyle for the right reasons. That I'm courteous and respectful. All of which are true, but the burden of proof is on
me. It always is. — Daniel Stern

I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil). — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are? — John Green

I know that look." I put one arm out in from of me. He didn't stop. "Chris, we have to get going." I backed up, scooting over to put the couch between us.
"What?" He feigned and innocent expression.
"You know what." He kept coming. I continued evasive maneuvers. "They're going to be waiting on us."
He shrugged. "It's not my wedding." His tongue darted out, wetting his bottom lip before sucking it back into his mouth. "I'd rather push that way too tight dress up around your waist and bend you over the couch. — Sadie Grubor

I am overweight. But to me, it's fat. I don't have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. When I look in the mirror I don't plunge into a depression and stick my finger down my throat or carve FAT in my arm with a pickle fork. I can appreciate when I look good aside from the weight. Sometimes I might say, Oh, I'm having a good face day.And a few times, after checking my appearance in the mirror before a date, I'd say, Okay. I'd date me. And I know if I ever could get the extra tonnage off, I'd be the first one to parade around in my underwear, or have no qualms about getting naked with a hottie, while the lights were still on in the room. — Kelli Jae Baeli

Who needs men when they can have chocolate?
Who needs sex when they can have chocolate, come to that — Trisha Ashley

It wasn't the first time he'd run for his life. And it most likely would
not be the last. In the past few decades, though, he'd mostly run from
angry fathers who'd found him where they felt he should not be. Or he'd
run from town guards - sent by angry fathers who'd found him where they
felt he should not be. — G.A. Aiken

I'm not really crazy about all this tit-for-tat stuff. I'm always asked to be the one to first give up the tit. — Karen E. Quinones Miller

Smartass Disciple: What were you thinking when the truth is revealed unto you?
Master of Stupidity: I wasn't thinking. I was having sex when it came to my mind. — Toba Beta

I'm glad you're gay," she said solemnly, "because that way, if I can't have you, no one can."
"Um, Rocher," I mentioned, "like, a dude could have him."
This had never occurred to Rocher because she'd thought that Jate being gay translated as, "I love Rocher Bargemueller so much but I don't deserve her so I'll never have sex again." The concept of Jate with a guy was fresh turf and Rocher regarded him with an especially deranged sparkle in her eyes.
"I could be a dude," she said. — Paul Rudnick

My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well. — Elizabeth Gaskell

My lesbian translator must be on the fritz. Is that code for your period? Instead of calling it an Alexandria Tampon how about a bloody Mary?" He snaps his fingers and continues, "This bloody Mary is giving me the cramps or Damn you, bloody Mary for ruining my sex life."
Robert Marshall, Flapper Girls — Candace Cloud