Scalzi Quotes & Sayings

I'm not even one year old," Jared said. "I can be a baby if I want. — John Scalzi

Christ on a Popsicle stick. — John Scalzi

It's better to be a dog in peace, than a man in war. — John Scalzi

And it had worked; he had looked like a fool when he attempted to call out the general. What I and the general had underestimated were the number of other assembly members who would willingly continue to follow a fool. — John Scalzi

Maybe it's just that no one knows how to conduct a real literary feud anymore, online or otherwise. — John Scalzi

After our negotiations were completed, the dome would be imploded and launched toward the nearest black hole, so that none of its atoms would ever contaminate this particular universe again. I thought that last part was overkill. — John Scalzi

Apparently you don't have to understand physics to protest. — John Scalzi

Wes is Wes," Alastair said. "One in every family. I love him, but I think of him as a sarcastic pet. — John Scalzi

If they can work out the kinks, it could revolutionize space travel." " 'Work out the kinks'?" Jared said. "I'm about to use this thing. Kinks are bad. — John Scalzi

But define 'completely ridiculous shit,'" Duvall said. "Does space travel count? Contact with alien races? Does quantum physics count? Because I don't understand that crap at all. As far as I'm concerned, quantum physics could have been written by a hack. — John Scalzi

I find it difficult to believe that Redditors don't understand that anonymity online is merely a facade; indeed, it's probably one of the reasons that revealing the identity of pseudonymous Redditors is looked on as such a huge betrayal. — John Scalzi

In politics as in high school, who you are is to a large extent defined by who you sit with at lunch, and there was no doubt about it, the Earth was sitting at the loser table. It was not, Bob Pope thought, the true destiny of the Earth in our universe to be counted among the diplomatic equivalent of the acne-ridden and the furtively masturbating. — John Scalzi

Many of the writers who have inspired me most are outside the genre: Humorists like Robert Benchley and James Thurber, screenwriters like Ben Hecht and William Goldman, and journalists/columnists like H.L. Mencken, Mike Royko and Molly Ivins. — John Scalzi

When I was 10, I was hit by a car, which turned my right tibia into a jigsaw puzzle. — John Scalzi

Who are you, who is so wise in the way of alien fungus? — John Scalzi

Which is why Mom, when she's being indiscreet, refers to the trophy room as the "vet's office." Because that's where Dad brings people to take their balls. — John Scalzi

The moral of the story was not to wear a red shirt. Or go on away missions when you're the only one whose name isn't on the opening credits. — John Scalzi

There's nothing like sharing menarche with a billion hermaphrodites. I think it was everyone's first time. — John Scalzi

I glared at the man. "You know, Dr. Russell, most doctors would have found a more tactful way to break the news."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Perry," Dr. Russell said. "I don't want to seem unconcerned. But it's really not a problem. Even on Earth, testicular cancer is easily treatable, particularly in the early stages, which is the case here. At the very worst, you'd lose the testicle, but that's not a significant setback."
"Unless you happen to own the testicle," I growled. — John Scalzi

Imagine waking up and finding your first and last view of the world was a shotgun barrel. That'd be a hell of a life. — John Scalzi

I think that what I do, in terms of how I craft my words rhetorically, is fairly simple stuff. I don't mean that to denigrate myself. I mean that in the sense of, when I write, the person that I keep in mind is my mother-in-law. — John Scalzi

I opened the door for him; he took off like a furry heat-seeking slobber missile. — John Scalzi

Occam's razor theory of combat: The simplest way of kicking someone's ass was usually the correct one. — John Scalzi

Lovely," Wilson said, looking at the display. "And by 'lovely,' I mean 'Oh, crap. — John Scalzi

In general there should be gay characters in YA because a) surprise, there are gay folks everywhere and b) in my opinion as a father, there's not a damn thing wrong with my child encountering gay folks in her literature, because see point a). — John Scalzi

After watching Star Wars everyone wanted a lightsaber and was irritated that the technology for them didn't really exist. Everyone also agreed the Ewoks should all die. — John Scalzi

I do think people of good will can have different opinions but still be coming not from a place of malice. — John Scalzi

A fourth part of his brain was saying, This is the part where you run and scream a lot. He was listening to the fourth part. — John Scalzi

I don't care whether I really exist or don't, whether I'm real or fictional. What I want right now is to be the person who decides my own fate. — John Scalzi

Breakfast was amazing, and I say that having been married to a woman who could make a breakfast spread that would have made Gandhi stop a fast. — John Scalzi

This is my rife. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My rife is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I have master my life. My rife, without me, is useless. Without my rife, I am useless. I must fire my rife true. I must shoot before he shoots me. And I will. - Marine Rife Creed — John Scalzi

Pope was aware there were other ways to get more diplomatic respect than bigger guns, of course. But while other diplomatic maneuvers sometimes worked and sometimes didn't, ultimately a big damn gun always commanded respect. — John Scalzi

But I have always found that there's an inverse relationship between the number of people in a room and the amount of useful work that can be done. — John Scalzi

Picking you to have your brain plucked out of your body is not my idea of a favor, some part of my brain said. Good point, brain, I thought, ignoring that I was now speaking to myself. — John Scalzi

Yes, Hart, I went commando to a diplomatic function," Harry said, and then motioned to his body. "And now, as you can see, I'm going Spartan so a midget can whack me with a stick." He bent and picked up his Bongka. "Honestly, Hart. Help me out here. Focus a little. — John Scalzi

The Jenna Situation, as you recalled it now, had been fraught with fraughtiness. — John Scalzi

In the next room, a very nice young lady, who happened to be completely naked, wanted me to tell her anything I could possibly remember about my seventh birthday party. — John Scalzi

Well, life is like that sometimes", Isabel said. "We learn things too late, and then we don't get to use them. — John Scalzi

Isn't that weird?" I said. "All the different types of sentient species in the universe, and we're all different, but we all drink coffee. — John Scalzi

I'm sorry," the groundskeeper said. "Usually the kharhn we feed to the kingsflower are already dead. I never get to see anything live fed to it. This is exciting for me. — John Scalzi

And of course, just like in the movies, as soon as you mention that life is good, that means something needs to come by and sqaut one out on your life. — John Scalzi

You would rather face a life without me than to have me choose a life I would not choose for myself. — John Scalzi

If your flirting strategy is indistinguishable from harassment, it's not everyone else that's the problem. — John Scalzi

I hate that I've become one of those old men who visits a cemetery to be with his dead wife. When I was (much) younger I used to ask Kathy what the point would be. A pile of rotting meat and bones that used to be a person isn't a person anymore; it's just a pile of rotting meat and bones. The person is gone - off to heaven or hell or wherever or nowhere. You might as well visit a side of beef. When you get older you realize this is still the case. You just don't care. It's what you have. — John Scalzi

Mom, I remember Lizzie," Hart said. "She's really not my type." "She has a brother," Wes said, from his lounge. "He's not my type, either," Hart said. — John Scalzi

One of the great unwritten chapters of retail intelligence programming featured a "personal shopper" program that all-too-accurately modeled the shoppers' desires and outputted purchase ideas based on what shoppers really wanted as opposed to what they wanted known that they wanted. This resulted in one overcompensatingly masculine test user receiving suggestions for an anal plug and a tribute art book for classic homoerotic artist Tom of Finland, while a female test user in the throes of a nasty divorce received suggestions for a small handgun, a portable bandsaw, and several gallons of an industrial solvent used to reduce organic matter to an easily drainable slurry. After history's first recorded instance of a focus group riot, the personal shopper program was extensively rewritten. — John Scalzi

This would require an e-book reader that is as easy to read as a traditional book, durable to abuse as much as we abuse paperbacks and cheap enough that when you lose it, you can buy another one — John Scalzi

When it came time to make the audiobook, Audible did an ingenious thing: they asked both Wil Wheaton and Amber Benson to record entire versions of the book. As the author, I'm impressed with Audible's commitment to my narrative
and I'm geeking out that both Wil and Amber are reading my book. This is fantastic. — John Scalzi

Leon had attached himself to me in Chicago like a fat, brat-and-beer-filled tick; I was amazed that someone whose blood was clearly half pork grease had made it to age seventy-five. — John Scalzi

There is a saying along the lines of not trying to teach a pig to sing because it wastes your time and annoys the pig. I want you to know how many times I have stood in pig-filled rooms, and longed to annoy. I — John Scalzi

I both love and am terrified by Greg Van Eekhout's vision of Los Angeles. I already want to go back. — John Scalzi

I have the power to call you here. As I have the power to condemn you to death. I hope we understand each other. — John Scalzi

If you're the best that the Earth has got to offer, it's time we bend over and get a tentacle right up the ass. — John Scalzi

The recruiting office was a small storefront in a nondescript strip mall; there was a state liquor authority store on one side of it and a tattoo parlor on the other. Depending on what order you went into each, you could wake up the next morning in some serious trouble. — John Scalzi

There is a moment of surface tension when a knife blade presents its demand and the flesh honors it. An instant of pressure before the puncture, the rip before the slide, a small eternity easy to miss but impossible to ignore if you've felt it before. I lived in that moment a great while for the small sliver of time it was there. — John Scalzi

Now What?" Kerensky said. "We wait," Dahl said. "For how long?" Kerensky said, " As long as dramatically appropriate," Dahl said. — John Scalzi

Listen to me or don't. But if you don't, you'll be dead. And then where will you be? Dead, that's where. — John Scalzi

How many people volunteer for an army and then claim conscientious objector status? — John Scalzi

What we don't know can't hurt us. — John Scalzi

What we need to do, as writers, is find out where our market is and adapt to it. I'm not saying that you follow every trend slavishly, but what you see is that, if there is a sea-change in the way that things are being done, then you account for it. — John Scalzi

If we're going to be fucked, Colonel, I prefer to get fucked on my feet instead of on my knees. — John Scalzi

Don't discount that part of who he was just because you didn't know it. None of us are all of who we are to any one person. — John Scalzi

Listen. I don't care if you ever think about the fact that you can always taste your mouth. You are always tasting your mouth. It's where you keep your tongue. Your tongue doesn't have an off switch. You are tasting your mouth right now, and now that I've brought it to your attention, you're probably realizing that you should probably brush or chew some gum or something. Because your mouth, by default, is a kind of a little off, tastewise. — John Scalzi

The part of Cardenia's brain in charge of gestalting slammed everything together and shoved it into her consciousness. — John Scalzi

It's not whether she tells everyone," Huma said. "It's whether they believe her." "It's the truth." "Oh, my daughter," Huma said, and smiled. "Don't tell me you don't know how little that actually means. — John Scalzi

Roanoke was deep into spring - which was really pretty, even if it turned out that all the native blooms smelled like rotten meat dipped in sewer sauce (that description courtesy of Magdy, who could string together a phrase now and then). — John Scalzi

I don't think we're at the point where most people are willing to get rid of body parts and replace them, but then again, people who shoot lasers in their eyes come out with better-than-perfect vision. — John Scalzi

Years working at a newspaper. You learn to write fast and reasonably good and in a manner which does not require substantial editing. Or your editors and copyeditors stab you to death and hang your corpse in the newsroom as a warning to the other staff writers. — John Scalzi

I'm perfectly fine with the fact that lots of young folks are wanting to watch anime and read manga. I'm perfectly happy that they are doing things online, reading there as opposed to traditional print magazines. — John Scalzi

If there's one thing that distinguishes the human species, it is a pathological need to stay connected. The fact your people will interrupt sex to answer your communicators is a scandal across the entire Common Confederation. — John Scalzi

Ultimately, the first, best step in getting your work noticed is to write good work. If people don't engage in your writing, no amount of serialization or free downloads is going to matter. You have to write something worth reading, and often it takes time to get at that level. — John Scalzi

I am also aware that ideals are hard to practice, especially when they are new. — John Scalzi

It was designed to operate with minimal assistance from humans, who were without exception the moving part most likely to fail. — John Scalzi

I grew up in southern California in the '80s. Yes, I am a walking cliche. — John Scalzi

She was old and crankily conservative in the way only old liberals could be. — John Scalzi

For two years, all you have to do is go where they tell you, stay behind your rifle, and kill and not be killed. It's simple, but simple isn't the same as easy. — John Scalzi

You don't have paperwork," Savitri said. "You give it all to me." "Is it done?" I asked. "As far as you know, yes," Savitri said. — John Scalzi

Yes, death by away team. Very effective on this ship, Jenkins said. — John Scalzi

I am not responsible for actions of the imaginary version of me you have inside your head. — John Scalzi

Every creature has a survival instinct. It looks like fear but it's not the same thing. Fear isn't the desire to avoid death or pain. Fear is rooted in the knowledge that what you recognize as yourself can cease to exist. Fear is existential. — John Scalzi

Hide' isn't a word we like to use," Cassaway said. "'Perform alternative tasks' is the preferred term. — John Scalzi

Now, you may think that this is some sort of generalized hatred that I will carry for the lot of you. Let me assure you that this is not the case. Each of you will fail, but you will fail in your own unique way, and therefore I will dislike each of you on an individual basis. — John Scalzi

If memory serves, the last time we met there were also exploding starships," I said, to Wilson. "That's odd," Lowen said. "The last time I saw Harry, there were exploding starships, too." "It's coincidental," Wilson said, looking at Lowen and then at me. — John Scalzi

Deception, as practically manifested, succeeds because of two things. First, the object of deception is convincingly deceptive in its design; i.e., it looks/feels/acts like the real thing. Second, and equally important, the subject of deception must be predisposed to believing that the object of deception is indeed the real thing. These two criteria work in an inverse relationship with each other; a sufficiently deceptive object can convince a skeptical subject, while a subject who sincerely wants to believe will be able to overlook even gross flaws in the object onto which he or she confers belief. — John Scalzi

Well, I miss my wife, you know," I said. "But I also miss the feeling of, I don't know, comfort. The sense you're where you're supposed to be, with someone you're supposed to be with. — John Scalzi

words themselves are action; they do not simply describe the world but in a very real sense make the world. Therefore it makes sense to pay attention to the worlds people are attempting to create in their words. — John Scalzi

I know a little bit about deaf culture because a friend of mine has been in the deaf culture for awhile. Over the course of 25 years, she and I have talked about many of the issues and concerns for deaf people and deaf culture. — John Scalzi

Danielle Lowen: How are you? I am fine. The group that destroyed Earth Station and made it look like the Colonial Union did it is now planning to nuke the surface of your planet until it glows, and frame the Conclave for it. Hope you are well. Looking forward to rescuing you in space again soon. Your friend, Harry Wilson. — John Scalzi

Part of me was once someone you loved - she sent. I think that part of me wants to be loved by you again, and wants me to love you as well. I can't be her. I can just be me. But I think you could love me if you wanted to. I want you to. Come to me when you can. I'll be here. — John Scalzi

We have a problem," he said. "Is this another 'I think we have a potential energy flow' kind of problem?" Coloma asked. "No, this is a 'Holy shit, we're all definitely going to die a horrible death in the cold endless dark of space' kind of problem," Basquez said. "We'll be right down," Coloma said. — John Scalzi

Szilard looked over at Robbins. "Is it true?" he said. "Which part, sir?" Robbins said. "That you don't like General Mattson," Szilard said. "He can take some getting used to, sir," Robbins said. "By which he means I'm an asshole, — John Scalzi

I've been told my liminal space is like the dark of the grave. But I think of it as the dark from the other end of life entirely. The dark of everything ahead, not everything behind. — John Scalzi

Sometimes in life you're going to win and sometimes you're going to lose. But just because you lose doesn't mean the other guy needs to win. — John Scalzi

Oh, God," I said. "Thank you so very much for the mental image of Dad as a teenage sack of hormones. That's the sort of image that takes therapy to get rid of. — John Scalzi

But imagine you're a tapeworm, and then suddenly you're Goethe. It's like that. — John Scalzi

By the time I'm 75 and I have a new hip, and my eyes are laser cleaned of cataracts, I wont think I'm a bionic man. I think that's just how technology works. The posthuman future of humanity will not announce itself; it will just creep up on us. — John Scalzi

I can describe to you the taste of government cheese. — John Scalzi

Try to be nice. And if you can't be nice, then shut the hell up and go stand in the corner with your drink and leave all the rest of us alone. Yes, yes, you're right and everyone else is wrong. That - like your immense talent - is a given. But just because you're right doesn't mean you should be a dick about it. — John Scalzi

You see tools and parts and my arm shoved inside a small spacecraft, and you really have to ask what I'm doing? — John Scalzi

The supply transport's on autopilot most of the way down anyway. I'm just on board so that if it crashes, they can say someone died. — John Scalzi