Rudner Quotes & Sayings

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help. — Rita Rudner

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes. — Rita Rudner

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. — Rita Rudner

Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. — Rita Rudner

I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. — Rita Rudner

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram." — Rita Rudner

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. — Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. — Rita Rudner

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." — Rita Rudner

Fishing can come as close to doing nothing as anything I can think of. — Ruth Rudner

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother. — Rita Rudner

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. — Rita Rudner

In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy. — Rita Rudner

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover. — Rita Rudner

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. — Rita Rudner

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. — Rita Rudner

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita." — Rita Rudner

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake. — Rita Rudner

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. — Rita Rudner

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum. — Rita Rudner

Life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works. — Rita Rudner

Cats are a waste of fur. — Rita Rudner

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon? — Rita Rudner

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend. — Rita Rudner

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved. — Rita Rudner

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. — Rita Rudner

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. — Rita Rudner

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. — Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. — Rita Rudner

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! — Rita Rudner

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing. — Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. — Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. — Rita Rudner

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21. — Rita Rudner

I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. — Rita Rudner

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" — Rita Rudner

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. — Rita Rudner

My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale. — Rita Rudner

I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. — Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to. — Rita Rudner

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. — Rita Rudner

While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. — Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. — Rita Rudner

The joy in catching butterflies is the joy of capturing - for an instant - utter beauty. The satisfaction of being able to let it go is immense. — Ruth Rudner

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. — Rita Rudner

On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' — Rita Rudner

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go. — Rita Rudner

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. — Rita Rudner

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. — Rita Rudner

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings. — Rita Rudner

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. — Rita Rudner

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. — Rita Rudner

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost? — Rita Rudner

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. — Rita Rudner

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. — Rita Rudner

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going. — Rita Rudner

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. — Rita Rudner

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? — Rita Rudner

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. — Rita Rudner

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. — Rita Rudner

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds
natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds
heroin. — Rita Rudner

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog. — Rita Rudner

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. — Rita Rudner

I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward. — Rita Rudner

I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. — Rita Rudner

Men in high levels of government seldom surf. — Rita Rudner

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. — Rita Rudner

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers. — Rita Rudner

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" — Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. — Rita Rudner

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. — Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? — Rita Rudner

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this. — Rita Rudner

Adventure is our birthright. — Ruth Rudner

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. — Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire? — Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. — Rita Rudner

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to. — Rita Rudner

My Vegas act is how I make my money. — Rita Rudner

All men would still really like to own a train set. — Rita Rudner

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams. — Rita Rudner

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. — Rita Rudner

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends ... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. — Rita Rudner

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. — Rita Rudner

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container. — Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' — Rita Rudner

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. — Rita Rudner

It's nice, when fishing, to catch a fish. But it doesn't really matter if you don't. What you always catch is a quiet time sitting at the water's edge, or in a gently rocking boat, a silent time of water and sky and the movement of natural things. — Ruth Rudner

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. — Rita Rudner

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take — Rita Rudner

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell. — Rita Rudner

Men who write love letters don't live in this century. — Rita Rudner

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. — Rita Rudner

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. — Rita Rudner

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups. — Rita Rudner

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you." — Rita Rudner

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind. — Rita Rudner

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup. — Rita Rudner

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch. — Rita Rudner