Peter Finley Dunne Quotes & Sayings

There are no friends at cards or world politics. — Finley Peter Dunne

Th' dead ar-re always pop'lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a monyment to a man an' refuse to help his fam'ly, all in wan night. — Finley Peter Dunne

A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large. — Finley Peter Dunne

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. — Finley Peter Dunne

A game you play with your own worst enemy-yourself. — Finley Peter Dunne

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting. — Finley Peter Dunne

A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable. — Finley Peter Dunne

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court. — Finley Peter Dunne

No, sir, th' dimmycratic party ain't on speakin' terms with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go into a sthreet car an' set in opposite corners while wan mutthers Thraiter an' th' other hisses Miscreent ye can bet they're two dimmycratic leaders thryin' to reunite th' gran' ol' party. — Finley Peter Dunne

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. — Finley Peter Dunne

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward. — Finley Peter Dunne

It must be a good thing to be good or ivrybody wudden't be pretendin' he was. — Finley Peter Dunne

There's always wan encouragin' thing about th' sad scientific facts that come out ivrv week in th' pa-apers. They're usually not thrue. — Finley Peter Dunne

It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it. — Finley Peter Dunne

Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals. — Finley Peter Dunne

There ain't any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare. — Finley Peter Dunne

No matter whether the Constitution follows the flag or not, the Supreme Court follows the election returns. — Finley Peter Dunne

Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's a pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it. — Finley Peter Dunne

The last man that makes a joke owns it. — Finley Peter Dunne

Vice goes along way towards making life bearable. A little vice now and then is relished by the best of men. — Finley Peter Dunne

Freedom is like drink. If you take any at all, you might as well take enough to make you happy for a while. — Finley Peter Dunne

A man can be right and president, but he can't be both at the same time. — Finley Peter Dunne

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals. — Finley Peter Dunne

Even an Englishman was niver improved by bein' blown up. — Finley Peter Dunne

What's wan man's news is another man's throubles. — Finley Peter Dunne

A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police. — Finley Peter Dunne

Histhry is a post-mortem examination. It tellsye what a counthry died iv. But I'd like to know what it lived iv. — Finley Peter Dunne

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married. — Finley Peter Dunne

Politics ain't beanbag: 'tis a man's game, and women, children 'n' pro-hy-bitionists had best stay out of it. — Finley Peter Dunne

That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns. — Finley Peter Dunne

Meditation is a gift confined to unknown philosophers and cows. Others don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write. — Finley Peter Dunne

When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy. — Finley Peter Dunne

If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all afther fifty. — Finley Peter Dunne

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife. — Finley Peter Dunne

The Puritans gave thanks for being preserved from the Indians, and we give thanks for being preserved from the Puritans. — Finley Peter Dunne

A man's idee in a card game is war — Finley Peter Dunne

A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in the ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief, but they run away fr'm doubt. — Finley Peter Dunne

I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man. — Finley Peter Dunne

High finance isn't burglary or obtaining money by false pretenses, but rather a judicious selection from the best features of those fine arts. — Finley Peter Dunne

Viceis a creature of such heejous mienthat th' more ye see it th' betther ye like it. — Finley Peter Dunne

You can lade a man up to th' university, but ye can't make him think. — Finley Peter Dunne

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts. — Finley Peter Dunne

Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable. — Finley Peter Dunne

Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf.
Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure.
But th' shelf is th' main thing. — Finley Peter Dunne

The wise people are in New York because the foolish went there first, that's the way the wise men make a living. — Finley Peter Dunne

It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off from the angels. — Finley Peter Dunne

The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better
it is just turning around as usual. — Finley Peter Dunne

Trust everybody, but always cut the cards. — Finley Peter Dunne

A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary. — Finley Peter Dunne

When 'tis an aven thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win ... an' th' best man will win. — Finley Peter Dunne

A rayformer thinks he was ilicted because he was a rayformer, whin th thruth iv th matther is he was ilicted because no wan knew him. — Finley Peter Dunne

Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman. — Finley Peter Dunne

I'll now fall back a furlong or two in me chair, while me larned but misguided collagues r-read th' Histhry iv Iceland to show ye how wrong I am. But mind ye, what I 've said goes. I let thim talk because it exercises their throats, but ye 've heard all th' decision on this limon case that'll get into th' fourth reader.' A voice fr'm th' audjeence, ' Do I get me money back ? ' Brown J. : ' Who ar-re ye ? ' Th' Voice : ' Th' man that ownded th' limons.' Brown J. : ' I don't know.' (Gray J., White J., dissentin' an' th' r-rest iv th' birds concurrin' but fr entirely diff'rent reasons.) — Finley Peter Dunne

The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the eagle - on the back of a dollar. — Finley Peter Dunne

If Christian scientists had more science and doctors more Christianity, it wouldn't make any difference which you called in - if you had a good nurse. — Finley Peter Dunne

Don't jump on a man unless he is down. — Finley Peter Dunne

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case. — Finley Peter Dunne

If a man is wise, he gets rich an' if he gets rich, he gets foolish, or his wife does. That's what keeps the money movin' around. — Finley Peter Dunne

I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation, if I can get out an injunction. — Finley Peter Dunne

I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription. — Finley Peter Dunne

To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable clothes. — Finley Peter Dunne

Continued focus on (employee) turnover is of critical importance, because of the direct relation of turnover to improvements in labor costs and guest satisfaction. — Finley Peter Dunne

Many a man that couldn't direct ye to th' drug store on th' corner when he was thirty will get a respectful hearin' when age has further impaired his mind. — Finley Peter Dunne

It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans. — Finley Peter Dunne

A man never becomes an orator if he has anything to say. — Finley Peter Dunne

Vice is a creature of such hideous mien ... that the more you see it the better you like it. — Finley Peter Dunne

Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better. — Finley Peter Dunne