My Name Funny Quotes & Sayings

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. — Steven Wright

The security guy asked my name address and phone number, and then he asked me what was the difference between a condom and a cockpit. — Chuck Palahniuk

So what is your middle name?"
"O. That's my middle initial."
"Hmmm. It's probably something hideous like Orville, that would be so funny ... Oh ... it's not really ... Orville. Is it?"
He nods.
"Nooooooo!"
He nods again.
"I'm so sorry. I can't believe that. It's not hideous ... but really? Why would your mama do that to you? I mean-" I give up because now he's wiping his eyes and it really is too funny. — Willow Aster

It's funny to be discovered by a lot of people who didn't know you before. People always used to say, 'Do you shop at Home Depot?' or 'Does your kid go to such and such school?' They want to know why they know me, even if they don't know my name. I don't think that's a bad thing, by the way; I think it's nice to be kind of anonymously famous. — Terry O'Quinn

You are the night."
"I am the night," I repeated.
"You are the night."
I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. "I am the night?"
"Jane!"
"Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word? — Molly Harper

Sai-Liber is my family name.Much like Wayfairer.You may call me Tetraphrimaportacheeq.It is much simpler."
To who? I'd barely got it out the first time. — G.L. Tomas

Name a song. Any song at all."
She thought for a moment and said, "'Claire de Lune.'"
I placed my hands on the keyboard. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back and struck a key, sounding a single note. "There you go. Gimme another one. I can play the first note of anything. As long as I get to choose the key it's in. — Michael Darling

I definitely want to start my own production company at some point. I'm actually teaming up with Funny or Die to put together a TV show right now, that I can't really talk about because it's still in the very preliminary stages, but if it pans out this will be the first project under my production company, which I have yet to name. — Dave Franco

Oh, my dear! I'm afraid you've mistaken
me for someone else! My name is Rhea Silvia. I was the mother to Romulus and Remus, thousands of years ago. But you're so kind to think I look as young as the 1950s. — Rick Riordan

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells. — Jim Gaffigan

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. — Groucho Marx

Be ready at seven and I'll take you to dinner first."
"First?" Just because I asked, didn't mean I plannedto go. I was a master at rationalization.
"Before I take you home and fuck you until you forget your mother's name."
"If I have any thought of my mama while you're fucking me, you're definitely doing something wrong. — Amber Kell

I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn't play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa asked me if G.I. Joe had been in any wars lately. I said, "No, but he and Ken got married last week." Every Christmas since then, my grandparents have sent me a check. — James Howe

Butterfly?" Will said. "Why Butterfly?"
"I believe it's a term of great respect," Selethen said gravely. He was very obviously not laughing. Too obviously, Will thought.
"It's all right for you," he said. "They called you 'Hawk.' Hawk is an excellent name. It's warlike and noble. But ... Butterfly?
Selethen nodded. "I agree that Hawk is an entirely suitable name. I assume it had to do with my courage and nobility of heart.
Halt coughed and the Arridi lord looked at him, eyebrows raised.
"I think it referred less to your heart and more to another part of your body," Halt said mildly. He tapped his finger meaningfully along the side of his nose. It was a gesture he'd always wanted an opportunity to use, and this one was to good to miss. Selethen sniffed and turned away, affecting not to notice. — John Flanagan

As I climbed up into the high old bed, the large fly in my personal ointment did the same. Had I actually told him he could get in bed with me? Well, I decided, as I wriggled down under the soft old sheets and the blanket and the comforter, if Eric had designs on me, I was just too tired to care.
"Woman?"
"Hmmm?"
"What's your name?"
"Sookie. Sookie Stackhouse."
"Thank you, Sookie."
"Welcome, Eric. — Charlaine Harris

At the time, my 6-year-old kept thinking my character's name was "Sam Alone," which is kind of brilliant. The funny came out of Sam's sad core: the alcoholic, the sex addict, the person who thinks he's God's gift. — Ted Danson

Sometimes when jerks become Christians, it's like a bully learning karate. Instead of having Christ transform our hearts and attitudes, we now have a new method with which to beat you up ... what was once just 'forcing everyone to agree with my opinion' is now 'forcing everyone to agree with my opinion in the name of God. — Jon Acuff

If I asked you to do something for me, I don't suppose you'd listen?" When he had my attention, he continued, "I'm going to take you home. Try to forget tonight happened. Try to act normal, especially around Hank. Don't mention my name."
By way of an answer, I shot him a black look and swung out of the Tahoe. He followed suit, coming around to my side.
"What kind of answer is that?" He asked, but his voice wasn't nearly so gruff. — Becca Fitzpatrick

I get a message from my dad. In the mood I'm in, I tear up to see his name in my inbox, and imagine him down the hall in bed, propped on pillows, emailing me.
"Hon,
Enjoyed our gelato date the other night. I just want to say I'm proud of you for a lot of reasons. Also, I've attached a picture of my foot."
He's such a weirdo goofball. I love him. — Sara Zarr

Sadly for you, I think I'm going to live, Simi. You can stop slapping me now. I've already lost enough sense. Can't afford to lose any more brain cells. I really really need my last three before I forget how to spell my name. It's hard enough to pronounce." Nick
"well, poo. Not poo that you'll live, 'cause the Simi would probably miss you if you died, but poo that I'll miss all that good old salty boy meat. Though we needs be fatting you up some to make you really good eats. Hmmm." Simi — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Sleep just go to sleep.
Cam lived across the hall?
You need to get up early. Go to sleep.
How in the world was that possible? He was everywhere I went.
Go to sleep.
And why did he have a pet turtle and did he seriously name it after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, because that was kind of funny.
Morning's going to come soon.
Did he only wear a shirt during class? Oh my God, he seriously lived across the hall. Jacob was going to flip ... and probably move in. That would be fun. I really liked Jacob, but I had a feeling he'd borrow my clothes.
Go the fuck to sleep. — J. Lynn

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. — Paula Poundstone

I love to stalk. I love to stalk you real, real good. I took your name home after our date and we had the best Google session of my life. — Anyta Sunday

My name is Matt Besser, and I'm an Arkansas Razorback. My father is a Jew from Little Rock, Ark., my mother was a Christian from Harrison, Ark., and somehow I'm an atheist now living in L.A. I am a Razorback living in the Razorback diaspora. — Matt Besser

Now, because he knows that his economic theories don't work, he's been spending these last few days calling me every name in the book. Lately he's called me a socialist for wanting to roll-back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans so we can finally give tax relief to the middle class. I don't know what's next. By the end of the week he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. — Barack Obama

Of course drugs were fun. And that's what's so stupid about anti-drug campaigns: they don't admit that. I can't say I feel particularly scarred or lessened by my experimentation with drugs. They've gotten a very bad name. — Anjelica Huston

Afternoon experience: autographing exposed legs, outstretched in lines like matchsticks.
Afternoon epiphany: Those with smooth, hairless legs would soon lose all evidence of my contact when the sweat causes the ink from the marker to run. I am ephemeral. Skepticism would be the reaction to those with thick leg hair, as their curls frazzle the lines of my name outward illegibly. Among the scaly-legged, I flaked off immediately, like I never was at all. — Benson Bruno

Is it true?" he said. "They're saying all down the train that Harry Potter's in this compartment. So it's you, is it?"
"Yes," said Harry. He was looking at the other boys. Both of were thickset and looked like bodyguards.
"Oh, this is Crabbe and this is Goyle," said the pale boy carelssly, noticing where Harry was looking. "And my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy."
Ron gave a slight cough, which might have been hiding a snigger. Draco Malfoy looked at him.
"Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford."
He turned back to Harry. "You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there. — J.K. Rowling

Miguel: Merle? What kind of hick name is that? I wouldn't name my dog Merle. — The Walking Dead

I'm beginning to think my name has been changed to Damn it or Asshole Styxx — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Yeah. I talked to their chief and she told me something pretty scary."
"What?" he asked. I took a deep breath, and tried not to stutter.
"She told me that a storm is coming-"
"It does look like it might rain." Dean noted, cutting me off.
I rolled my eyes, "Not a literal storm, dumbass, — Sara Massa

If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich ... not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard. — Simone Elkeles

Anything you say can and will be used against you, so only say my name. — Fall Out Boy

Just because you "liked" my picture, doesn't mean you shouldn't call me and ask me how I'm doing. You know what's funny? If you ever owe someone a call, and it's something you're trying to avoid, notice how many times they "like" your photos until you call them back. It's an alarm, and people abuse that. They know you can see that. They know you'll see their name. — Derek Waters

Piers looked up at him. 'You're new. What's your name?'
'Neythen, my lord.'
'Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I'm sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won't live a month. No, no, there's nothing I can do. Sandys would have preferred hearing that to syphilis. — Eloisa James

You are such a jerk" I know you did the glass and plate thing. That was so wrong!"
He held up his hands, laughing. "What? It was funny. The look on Bo's face was priceless. And the kiss he gave you? What was that? I've seen dolphins give hotter kisses than that."
"His name is Blake!" I punched his leg this time. "And you know it" I can't believe you acted like that. And he doesn't kiss like a dolphin!"
"From what I've seen, he does."
"You didn't see the last time we kissed."
His laughter died off. Uh oh. He turned to me slowly. "You've kissed him before?"
"That's none of your business." My cheeks flushed, giving me away.
Anger sparked in his magnetic eyes. "I don't like him. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

My name is Nathaniel Wesninski," he said, "and my father is dead." It wasn't at all funny, but a second later he was laughing. It sounded hysterical but he couldn't stop. — Nora Sakavic

Arjuro made a scoffing sound. 'You think Lumatere will invade because of you? Are you that important?'

Froi looked away. 'Isaboe would invade if you kidnapped a servant, let alone a friend.'

'Isaboe? We're on first-name terms with the Queen of Lumatere, are we?' Gargarin asked.

Froi found himself bristling. 'What? Do you think I'm some cutthroat for hire who they found hanging around the palace walls with the words "I want
to kill a Charynite King" tattooed on my arse? — Melina Marchetta

You all right, man?'
This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man.
Ah ... ' I stumble.
Don't bug Craig,' Ronny is like. 'He's in the Craig zone. He's Craig-ing out. — Ned Vizzini

Call me Ishmael. I won't answer to it, because it's not my name. — Jenny Lawson

HYSTERICAL HISTORY Bumping into Vincent O'Neil makes me think about what Uncle Frankie said. I need new material for Boston, not Vincent's stale and stinky fart jokes from The Big Book of Butt Bugles and Blampfs. So I keep my eyes open for new concepts to work out as I go to history class that afternoon. We're supposed to give a presentation on our favorite president. I chose Millard Fillmore. Why? Because nobody else will. Plus, his name is funny. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a whole bit out of him for Boston. I roll to the front of the class and prop a portrait of President Fillmore on the flip-chart easel. "Millard Fillmore was the thirteenth president of the United States. Born in January 1800, he was named after a duck. No, I'm sorry. That was his brother Mallard Fillmore. Millard Fillmore was the last member of the Whig Party to ever hold the office of president. Probably because they all wore wigs. — James Patterson

It's funny the things that go through your mind when you're getting the shit kicked out of you. As Bruce Willis' fist came crashing into my face, I thought about that old Shakespeare quote Father Bernard used to throw around back at Holy Name. Something about you only play with a lion when he's a frisky young cub, not when he's an old one, dying. Bruce knew when he agreed to work with me that his career was just about over. He was a lion, once, but now he was just an old one, dying. And I was the only guy around to blame. And man did his fist make that point. Repeatedly. — Kevin Smith

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: 'Hey, Lydia. It's Sam. Just calling to say what's up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.'

THAT WAS IT.

I pleaded to know what was so great about this. She sweetly recalled that 'he remembered my name, he said hi, and he told me to call him back.'

Never mind the fact that what she described was the content of LITERALLY EVERY VOICE MAIL IN HISTORY. Name, hello, please call back. Not really a boatload of charm on display. To fail this test, a guy would have to leave a message that said: 'No greeting. This is man. I don't remember you. End communication. — Aziz Ansari

I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something quite different about you, from the last time we were together, what could it be ... ."
Was this my ultra-dose of Intoxicated taking effect?
"I know!" said the prince happily. "You're a national disgrace!"
"And do you know what else is interesting," I replied. "In America, Prince is a dog's name. — Paul Rudnick

Must a name mean something?" Alice asked doubtfully.
Of course it must," Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh; "my name means the shape I am - and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost. — Lewis Carroll

Actually this is really funny - one time she accidentally forgot to leave a note and I had no idea she had even moved. I was living in the house with a beautiful Mexican family for three months before I realized they weren't my cousins visiting from out of town. They were so nice. They called me "Quien es, quien es," which I thought was a beautiful name. — Ellen DeGeneres

Elizabeth."
I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it's a strange one, she has a name-sound just like I do, and she's telling me what it is. I try to make the same sounds.
"Ehh..beh." I frown. Why is her name-sound so difficult and so long?
She frowns right back at me and says it again. "Elizabeth."
"Beh-tah-babaa."
She sighs and her forehead wrinkles.
"Elizabeth. Eeee-lizzzz-ahh-beth."
"Laahh...baaay."
She taps her chest again.
"Beth!"
The sound is shorter but still very odd.
"Beh-bet."
"Beth," she repeats.
I've had enough. I reach out and touch her should.
"Beh."
"Beth."
I tap her a little harder and growl.
"Beh", I repeat. I tap her again. "BEH!"
Her eyes widen a bit, and she inhales sharply. A moment later, her shoulders drop and she sighs.
"Beh," she says quietly. — Shay Savage

Jesus," I prayed silently, "please fix it so that my turn to read won't come around."
And then the nun called my name, but before I stood I thought, "I'll bet you think this is funny, huh, Jesus?"
I stood and stared at the sentence assigned to me and believed that, through some miracle, I would suddenly be able to read it and not be humiliated. I stood there and stared at it until the children started giggling and snickering and Sister told me to sit down. — John William Tuohy

As we sat there, the door opened, just barely, and a hand slid inside and dropped a set of keys on a side table.
"Thanks, Garrett!" I called out.
He gave me a thumbs-up and closed the door.
"How do you suppose he knew we were performing sexual favors on each other?" I asked, snuggling against my man again.
"Possibly because you screamed my name about seven times. — Darynda Jones

I always think it is kind of funny when it comes to wisdom, and I say God has a sense of humor, because my middle name is Solomon, and I love the Book of Proverbs which is written by Solomon, and I have read from the Book of Proverbs to start and end every day since I was 14. — Benjamin Carson

No, Mo," Miss Watkins said, turning to Nesta who was crying with laughter. "Nesta Williams, seeing as you clearly find it so funny. What do you think the name of God might be?"
"Er, not sure," said Nesta, looking caught out. "What do you think?"
"I don't think," said Miss Watkins."I know."
"I don't think I know either," giggled Nesta. The whole class got detention, but it was worth it. I felt like i'd spent the whole morning laughing my head off
We never did get to know what God's name was. — Cathy Hopkins

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name. — Yogi Berra

My mother is an actress, and my aunt Margaux was a model. And it's funny, as much as I'm all about I'm my own person, and I'm making my own name for myself, I have grown up in a world where most of these people who are like me are children of famous parents. So it's easy to become the socialite and be famous for that. — Dree Hemingway

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.' — Joan Rivers

It's not most important to communicate myself on stage as it is to be as funny or interesting as I possibly can on stage. I feel more like I'm doing a play whose main character just happens to share my name. — Bo Burnham

I'm in my dressing room about to play to a sold-out crowd at the O2 arena in Ireland. Name a female rapper who's ever done that and I will give you $100,000. — Nicki Minaj

You don't like my restaurant, Miss Connor?"
"I couldn't say since the waiting list to get in is six months long."
One side of his mouth curved up. "This is true."
His finger lingered, and I tried to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. "I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you're touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don't you think? — Jenny Lyn

Will sat where he was, gazing at the silver bowl in front of him; a white rose was floating in it, and he seemed prepared to stare at it until it went under. In the Kitchen Bridget was still singing one of her awful sad songs; the lyrics drifted in through the door:
"Twas on an evening fair I went to take the air,
I heard a maid making her moan;
Said, 'Saw ye my father? Or ye my mother?
Or saw ye my brother John?
Or saw ye the lad that I love best,
And his name it is Sweet William?"
I may murder her, Tessa thought. Let her make a song about that. — Cassandra Clare

It was always a funny thing when someone would ask me my name and I would say "Brooklyn." They would always think that I meant that I lived in Brooklyn, and I would have to clarify that. — Brooklyn Sudano

Look around you. Watch how people function and interact with one another. You'll see this is going on everywhere all the time. People devour each other in the name of love, or family or country. But that's an excuse; they're just hungry and want to be fed. Read their faces, the newspapers, read what it says on their T-shirts! 'I think you're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit.' 'My parents went to London but all they brought me back was this lousy T-shirt.' 'So many women, so little time.' 'Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.' They're supposed to be funny, witty, and postmodern, Miranda. But the truth is they're only stating a fact: Me. I come first. Get out of my way. — Jonathan Carroll

My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter."
Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred.
"Pita Bread!" proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back. — David Walliams

It's so funny how my name has always been such a big deal. When I was growing up, my family was always moving. I had to meet new people all the time. And they'd laugh. — Calista Flockhart

Don't make trouble at the pub tonight, Wayne," the man intoned in response. "My temper is really short." "Temper?" Wayne said, passing him. "That's a funny name for it, mate, but if the ladies like you givin' silly names to your body parts, I ain't gonna say nothin'. — Brandon Sanderson

They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny. That made me the coolest aunt on earth. — Tina Yothers

What happened?" he asked brusquely, interrupting me.
"What do you mean, what happened?"
"I sensed your fear, heard you call out my name."
"I ... no, I didn't." Stone Wall, I told myself. Great Wall of China, around my thoughts.
"The Great Wall of China isn't going to do it, Violet. Come on, tell me what happened. — Kristi Cook

Right now my favorite TV show - because it's too close to home - is 'My Name Is Earl.' That show kills me. There's some funny stuff in there. — Rodney Atkins

Dad shakes his head. "Nope. His name start with an F." He snaps his fingers. "Floyd. That's it. When I picked you up from school, I overheard you say how much you like him, and miss him, and . . ." Then my brother and I start laughing so hard we practically hyperventilate. Dad shrugs. "What? I know I'm clueless, but you've got to tell me what's so funny." "Floyd is Karma's phone," says Toby, who's clutching his stomach because he's laughing so hard. My — Hillary Homzie

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM! — Rick Riordan

Snowfall-funny name for a ski resort town,at least the falling part.It made me worry I would take my dog for a walk one afternoon and slip into an icy crevice,never to be heard from again. The only evidence that I'd ever existed would be Doofus the Irish setter, trotting happily home,dragging his leash. — Jennifer Echols

That I have no idea what good old Dr. Ha-ha-so-fucking-funny Bradley is thinking when he touches your back? When he kisses your hand, pretending it's just a joke, you think I don't know what he's thinking? When he stands close to you, looks into your nice red lips as you talk, when his eyes shimmer at the mention of your name? He's gone soft in the head, you think I don't know? I was the one with the hat in my hands, standing for hours waiting for you to get out of Kirov. What, said Alexander. — Paullina Simons

Dear Mom,
I won't be home this weekend because I'm wanted for treason and I have to clear my name. Also, I took the last Sprite from the fridge.
Love, Steve — Mac Barnett

What's the one thing you want more than any other, prince?""My wife."Dionysus rolled his eyes. "Okay, what's the second thing you want?""My son."This time the god expelled a long exasperated breath. "Third? And if you name another family member, I will leave you here with Apollo, so help me, Zeus."Sadly, Styxx had no other family to name and only one other thing he craved. "To die.""Ah, you can be taught. Yah! And yeah, death. You kill Acheron and you die. I get to rule the world of man and everyone's happy." Hands on hips, Dionysus arched a brow. "So what do you say?""I say get me the fuck out of here. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Your name. That's all I want. I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours. — Colleen Hoover

P - Jamie!" I called.
He waded back toward me. "I'm starting to think my name is Pajamie."
"Your name should be Pajerky. You said it wasn't deep."
"Pajerky?" He gave me a skeptical look. "That's Pathetic."
"We'll see how smug you are once I'm on dry land. — Diana Peterfreund

And I know someone who's
perfect for her. He works in my lab. He's smart. He's funny. His name is Bert."
Bert?
Is she fucking kidding me? What kind of sick son of a bitch names his kid Bert in this day and
age? That's just cruel.
"He'll show Kate a good time. I plan on setting them up this weekend."
And I plan on handcuffing myself to Kate's ankle and eating the key. Let's see what kind of good
time Bert can show Kate when she's dragging me around behind her like a Siamese twin. — Emma Chase

Okay ... My name is Ellie Mason and I have a feeling you don't like me."
Kylie stopped and swerved around ... "Okay, let's get something out in the open. I know you had sex with Derek."
"Damn!" Perry said, and grinned. "This is gonna be better than I thought. — C.C. Hunter

"Joss"
"What?"
"What?" Dylan asked back.
"You just said my name."
"No I didn't"
"Sorry that was me."
I sat up, banging my head on the roof. "Who is that?"
"Hey, stay down here where the air is good, okay?" Dylan pulled me gently back down. "Hows your head?"
"Not good, I think."
"Um, okay, so you here me. Heather's right, you do think loud. I mean, I've never heard you before, but my Talent seems to be a lot more selective than her's. But now that she's got me turned in to you-"
"Who are you?"
"It's still me, Marshall. It's Dylan. I'm right here."
"My name's Joel."
"Joel?"
"Joss, what are you talking about?" He took my face in his hands. "Who's Joel?"
"The voice in my head, I guess."
"Jesus. — Susan Bischoff

Don't have to see," the pilot grunted. "Olga knows the way."
"Funny name for an aircraft," Grace commented. "Is it after your wife?"
"My gun."
Grace stared at him. "You named your plane after a gun?"
"It was a very good gun. — Gordon Korman

I love you, O'Reilly. When are you going to get that through your thick Aussie skull?"
He laughed softly, and she tilted back her head to look up at him wonderingly, "What's so funny?"
He put his hands on her shoulders and rubbed the tight muscles of her neck. "Do you realize you've never used my first name?" he said. "It's Patrick, you know."
He watched her lips curl into a smile that made his chest ache. "You've always been O'Reilly to me."
"Huh," he grunted. "Except when you're mad. Then I become Mister O'Reilly. — Candice Proctor

[The maid] went on and on about how you and three casks of wine and three women spent the week before our wedding trying to...you know"--Adrienne muttered an unintelligible word--"your brains out."
"To what my brains out?"
"You know." Adrienne rolled her eyes.
"I'm afraid I don't. What was that word again?"
"Adrienne looked at him sharply. Was he teasing her? Were his eyes alight with mischief? That half-smile curving his beautiful mouth could absolutely melt the sheet she was clutching, not to mention her will. "Apparently one of them succeeded, because if you had any brains left you'd get out of my sight now," she snapped.
"It wasn't three." Hawk swallowed a laugh.
"No?"
"It was five."
"Adrienne's jaw clenched. She held her fingers up again. "Fourth--this will be a marriage in name only. Period."
"Casks of wine, I meant."
"You are not funny. — Karen Marie Moning

I've got a black woolen hat and it's got Pervert written across the front of it. It's the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket and I didn't think. I just put my hat on Clara's head, because it was cold. And the looks. I couldn't figure out why I was getting death looks. And then I realized my 10-month old baby's wearing a hat with the word Pervert written on it and these people were like, 'There's Satan! There's Satan out with his kid!' And then I made a point of her wearing it every time we went there. — Ewan McGregor

Instead I sounded like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten. My name is Bee, and I like coloring and horsies. — Kate Avery Ellison

I brought you some pictures of my work," he said proudly. His name was William Weinstein, which may have explained why he left Jews off his hate list. He had been born in Brooklyn, and moved to Santa Fe ten years before. He took an envelope out of his pocket, rifled through some pictures, and handed them to Paris. They were ten-foot phallic symbols made of clay. The man had penises on the brain. "It's very interesting work," Paris said, pretending to be impressed. "Do you use live models?" she asked more in jest, and he nodded. "Actually, I use my own." He thought that hysterically funny and laughed so hard he almost coughed himself to death. Along with the clay under his nails, enough of it to create another sculpture, his fingers were stained with nicotine. "Do you like to ride?" "Yes, but I haven't in a long time. Do you? — Danielle Steel

If my name was on a serious work like this it would never get fair treatment. They would all say I had tried to be funny and failed. — Jerome K. Jerome

-What's so funny?"
"-Sorry," David said, reddening again. "You just taste so sweet."
"-What do you mean, sweet?"
He licked his bottom lip one more time.
"-You taste like honey."
"-Honey?"
"-Yeah, I thought I was going nuts the day ... well, you know, that one day. But it was the same today. Your mouth is really sweet."
He paused for a second, then grinned.
"-Hot like honey-like nectar. That makes more sense."
"-Great. Now I'm going to have to explain that to everyone I kiss for the rest of my life unless it's you or another faerie."
She'd almost said Tamani's name. Her fingers flew to the ring around her neck.
David shrugged.
"-Then don't kiss anyone except me."
"-David ... "
"-I'm just offering up the obvious solution," he said, hands up in protest. — Aprilynne Pike

I'm going to strip my way through plumber's school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie? — Rebecca Murphy

I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!" — Noel Fielding

(True,) the white hole said. (My name is Khairelikoblepharehglukumeilichephreidosd'enagouni-) and at the same time he went flickering through a pattern of colors that was evidently the visual translation. — Diane Duane

It's a funny thing: my name in Arabic means hope, so I suppose I have to live by that principle. Hope is desire, feeling, and investing in a projection of something that doesn't yet exist. At its best, you witness its alchemy in your life, turning something that was once in the mind into reality. At its worst, it's delusion. — Aml Ameen

Who are you?" I ask, opening the door the rest of the way and crossing my arms over my chest.
His eyes move to my arms and then back up, and his smile gets wider. "Aye."
"What?" I frown when he chuckles.
"Name's Aye."
"Like when a pirate says yes?" I inquire. Then I growl, "What's so funny?" when he bends over, holding his stomach and laughing.

~ Myla — Aurora Rose Reynolds

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long. — Mitch Hedberg

My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That's enough, I myself choose my way — Ali Shariati

If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name. — Moshe Dayan

Boomer took bites of all six varieties, contemplating each one and "guring out the order in which he would then eat them. "I like the
brown one and the lighter brown one and the almost-brown one. I'm not so sure about the minty one. But really, I think the lebkuchen spice
one is the best."
"The what?"
"The lebkuchen spice one." He held it up for me. "This one."
"You're making that up. What's a lebkuchen spice? It sounds like a cross between a Keebler elf and a stripper. Hello, my name ees
Lebkuchen Spice, and I vant to show you my cooooookies ... "
"Don't be rude!" Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended. — David Levithan

She heard Rowan awake with a start before he reconciled himself to his surroundings. His back scraped across the trunk of the tree as he slid sideways
trying to see around the branch she was sitting on to get a look at her.
"Are you awake?" he asked, his voice still rough from sleep.
"Yeah."
"Did you sleep at all?"
"No." She heard him mumble something to himself and decided to cut him off before he could scold her again. "My butt did, though. Slept like a log all night."
"Well, obviously, your butt has more sense than you do."
"You're a funny man, Rowan whatever your last name is."
"Fall."
"I'd rather not."
She managed to get a tiny chuckle out of him, which she considered a huge achievement. Rowan stood up on his branch, bringing his head level with Lily's, and started to untie her. His lips were still pursed in a near smile.
"My name is Rowan Fall. — Josephine Angelini

What are you?" he demanded. "A slayer?" I rolled my eyes. "The name's Val, not Buffy. Do I look like a blond cheerleader with questionable taste in men? — Parker Blue

Let me introduce you. These are my friends: Ronan, Adam Parrish, and Jane."
Adam's expression focused. Became Adam-like. He blinked over to Gansey.
"Blue," Blue corrected.
"Oh, yes, you are blue," Malory agreed. "How perceptive you are. What was the name? Jane? This is the lady I spoke to on the phone all those months ago, right? How small she is. Are you done growing?"
"What!" Blue said. — Maggie Stiefvater

My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait ... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime. — Katt Williams

When I need to be precise about a plant, I use its Latin name, even if my nongardening friends sometimes look at me a little funny for using big words in a dead language - or in the kind of horticultural Esperanto that botanical names make up. — Allen Lacy

My fellow Americans, good evening. My name is Becca Goldman and I weep with all of you.
I texted one word to Megan, 'Gag'
She wrote back: 'My name is Becca Goldman, and I sleep with all of you — Jeri Smith-Ready