Mom Jokes Quotes & Sayings

All revered spiritual leaders, political leaders, and diplomats, captains of industry, intellectuals, and winning generals exhibit genuine humility that empowers them to act with integrity and courage under the most distressing circumstances. — Kilroy J. Oldster

In the past few hours, I've been possessed, nearly had my head caved in, and found out my mom is secretly a Prodigium hunter. And before that, I lost just about everyone else I care about, and discovered that people I trusted are secretly demon-raising creeps. My life sucks pretty hard right now. So, yeah. I'm making jokes. — Rachel Hawkins

Think of the earth as a living organism that is being attacked by billions of bacteria whose numbers double every forty years. Either the host dies, or the virus dies, or both die. — Gore Vidal

My rugrats give me gifts that say "#1 Mom" on them and I'm like, bwhahahahaha, joke's on you, I'm more like the #1,297,279 Mom. But they truly think I'm the best mom on earth. And that's all that matters. — Karen Alpert

Tobin," Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, "Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'What'll ya have?' And the guy says, 'Whaddya got?' And the bartender says, 'I don't know what I got, but I know what you got: Stage IV melanoma. — John Green

Which is an interactive sport for our family, since Gil likes to groan over the writing and point out the plot twists ahead of time, and Jeremy tears his hair out over the historical inaccuracies, and Dad makes corny jokes, till Mom reminds us, loudly, that some people are trying to watch the movie. Then we'll all quiet down for about five minutes, until Olivia remarks that the costume designer should have dressed the star in kitten heels instead, because it's a lot harder to run in stilettos. — Caitlen Rubino-Bradway

Mom, how come you never go outside?"
"I told you, I'm a vampire. — Alison Bechdel

Lana is a voluptuous brunette with a seductive smile and big, sparkling, cocoa eyes. Flirtatious and fun-loving, she has a couple of boyfriends, but enjoys her gal pals just as much, if not more. Though she loves to party and play practical jokes, she's a conscientious mom and respected leader in her community. Gentle yet assertive, she can be fierce when crossed, but she's also quick to forgive, turning hostility into harmony with remarkable empathy and a playful flair. In many ways, she's just like a lot of wonderful women we all know. But Lana is not a woman, nor even human. Lana is a bonobo. — Susan Block

He would be here treating you like a princess.'
She thought about saying that he had treated her like a princess, but she was afraid her mother would ask how, and she didn't think cock jokes and orgasms were her mom's idea of the princess treatment. — Ruthie Knox

She did worse than break the law, she broke the rules — Leo Tolstoy

I love being part of something that is working toward a greater goal, and there's no more satisfaction in life than achieving those goals as a team and being a part of that team. — Jim Harbaugh

You let him go? What the devil for?"
"Something's wrong with his eyesight." Any man who mistook Miss Turner for a dockside whore had to be losing his vision. — Tessa Dare

(To clarify, when white people say dark they mean Greek or Italian but when black people say dark they mean Grace Jones.) — Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Hey," he said, "you won't ever meet a man who likes women better than me. They're the best thing on the planet. And I don't just mean horizontal. Women hold the world together. — Scott Turow

Yes, my mom does keep making references to marriage, like all mothers do, but it's only in a lighter mood ... she just jokes. — Saina Nehwal

My mom brought me up by herself, so I was a latchkey kid. I would walk myself back from school and spent a lot of time at home alone, watching TV. There weren't a lot of Latinas - or any women of color. And the ones I saw were usually presented as stereotypes or treated like jokes. — Sara Ramirez

Trivia monologue. You are so the man for me. — Molly Harper