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Men's Humor Quotes & Sayings

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Top Men's Humor Quotes

Men's Humor Quotes By Barack Obama

I kept finding the same anguish, the same doubt; a self-contempt that neither irony nor intellect seemed able to deflect. Even DuBois's learning and Baldwin's love and Langston's humor eventually succumbed to its corrosive force, each man finally forced to doubt art's redemptive power, each man finally forced to withdraw, one to Africa, one to Europe, one deeper into the bowels of Harlem, but all of them in the same weary flight, all of them exhausted, bitter men, the devil at their heels. — Barack Obama

Men's Humor Quotes By Lundy Bancroft

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don't seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser's friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone's image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser. — Lundy Bancroft

Men's Humor Quotes By Julie Anne Long

Kinkade sketched the occasional nude woman, and was generous about passing the sketches around to the men and cheerful about accepting criticisms and suggestions, which he seldom incorporated, as he had his own vision. He signed them O.McCaucus-Bigg
A new soldier was always puzzled by this, given that this wasn't Kinkade's name.
"O.McCaucus-Bigg?"
"Braggart, are you?" Kinkade would roar. "Not as big as mine,laddie!"
A good joke, suitable for thirteen-year-old boys and bored sergeants and subalterns. — Julie Anne Long

Men's Humor Quotes By Cindi Madsen

I have to admit," I said when he finished a lengthy discussion on the types of drivers, "I've been golfing and it's about the most boring thing I've ever done. Old men drive around in golf carts pretending they're sporty and getting grouchy if there's any noise. It's like the nursing-home Olympics."
Nick's mouth dropped open. "It takes great athletic ability to know how to aim and drive the ball that far."
"I get more exercise shopping at the mall," I joked. "I don't come home and tell everyone I won at shopping." Although those red shoes I got on sale the other day felt like a win. — Cindi Madsen

Men's Humor Quotes By K.J. Charles

Heroic," Crane told Baines contemptuously. "Old women, idiot children, bound men, you'll take on all comers. There's a three-legged stray dog hangs around the lanes here. Perhaps someday you could work up to kicking that. — K.J. Charles

Men's Humor Quotes By Elizabeth Camden

She must not cry in front of all these men. They would think her a useless watering pot unworthy of her father's inheritance. Everything went blurry as she turned away, trying to hide the tears. Colonel Lowe bent down to peek beneath her lowered head, a trace of humor on his strong face. "Tears? We've come all the way across the state to meet the famous Miss Mollie Knox, and all she has for us are tears?" She swiped them away. "It is just that I have felt so overwhelmed. It has been a difficult few weeks." "Then those are the last tears you will shed from being overwhelmed," he said. Colonel Lowe's face was a blend of kindness and humor as he smiled at her. "We will not leave this city until your factory is rebuilt and you are once again producing the world's most magnificent watches. — Elizabeth Camden

Men's Humor Quotes By Catherynne M Valente

Men die. It's practically what they're for. — Catherynne M Valente

Men's Humor Quotes By Dashiell Hammett

I first heard Personville called Poisonville by a red-haired mucker named Hickey Dewey in the Big Ship in Butte. He also called his shirt a shoit. I didn't think anything of what he had done to the city's name. Later I heard men who could manage their r's give it the same pronunciation. I still didn't see anything in it but the meaningless sort of humor that used to make richardsnary the thieves' word for dictionary. A few years later I went to Personville and learned better. — Dashiell Hammett

Men's Humor Quotes By Adam Clayton Powell III

I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. — Adam Clayton Powell III

Men's Humor Quotes By Emma Chase

See, Drew, there are three kinds of males in this world: boys, guys, and men. Boys - like Billy - never grow up, never get serious. They only care about themselves, their music, their cars. Guys - like you - are all about numbers and variety. Like an assembly line, it's just one one-night stand after another. Then there are men - like Matthew. They're not perfect, but they appreciate women for more than their flexibility and mouth suction. — Emma Chase

Men's Humor Quotes By P.G. Wodehouse

I had staked all on Gussie making a favourable impression on his hostess, basing my confidence on the fact that he was one of those timid, obsequious, teacup-passing, thin-bread- and-butter-offering, yes-men whom women of my Aunt Dahlia's type nearly always like at first sight. — P.G. Wodehouse

Men's Humor Quotes By Tara Sivec

My ears perked up like a dog's again when she spoke and pointed in the general direction of the chick that smelled of Slim Jims.
I hope I don't start barking.
"Oh, please, like she doesn't know about the smell of meat products wafting from her lady parts. I think she rubs bologna down there to attract men. Lunch meat is her sex pheromone."
The brunette shook her head in irritation. "If I do a shot, will you please stop talking about Jade's disgusting vagina and never, ever use the word meat product in a sentence?"
"Woof!"
Three sets of eyes all turned to look at me.
"Did I just bark out loud?"
Three heads bobbed up and down in unison. — Tara Sivec

Men's Humor Quotes By Carrie Fisher

Suzanne sat in Roger's chair, staring at the reflection of her dread morning face. Roger browsed his cassette rack. "Do you want calming or stimulating?" he asked her.
Suzanne mulled it over for a few moments. It was a question she had asked herself about men. — Carrie Fisher

Men's Humor Quotes By Criss Jami

I believe God himself will someday debate with and answer every objection arrogant men can come up with against him; I believe he will humble us and humor himself. Know-it-alls, pseudo-intellectuals, militant anti-theists, for Christ's sake, or rather their own sake, best beware of getting roasted by their own medicine. Ah! Our delusions of trying to argue against an omniscient Creator. — Criss Jami

Men's Humor Quotes By Alan Goldsher

George Harrison: The day after the Blue Angel audition, John showed up to rehearsal with a long list of name suggestions, and I remember each and every one of them: the Deads-men, the Deadmen, the Undeads-men, the Undeadmen, the Rots, the Rotters, the Dirts, the Dirty Ones, the Grayboys, the Eaten Brains, the Eating Brains, the Mersey Beaters, the Mersey Beaten, the Bloodless, the Graves, the Headstones, and the Liverpools of Blood. Paul ripped off John's right arm and used it to slap John across the face, then he said, Those're horrible, mate, just horrible, y'know. — Alan Goldsher

Men's Humor Quotes By Thomas Hardy

Everybody must be managed. Queens must be managed. Kings must be managed, for men want managing almost as much as women, and that's saying a good deal. — Thomas Hardy

Men's Humor Quotes By Rita Rudner

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" — Rita Rudner

Men's Humor Quotes By Terry Pratchett

Behind her, Preston grunted and said, "I know it's not the right thing to say to a lady, miss, but you are sweating like a pig!"
Tiffany, trying to get her shattered thoughts together, muttered, "My mother always said that horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies merely glow ... "
"Is that so?" said Preston cheerfully.
"Well, miss, you are glowing like a pig! — Terry Pratchett

Men's Humor Quotes By Kim Fielding

'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said.
'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.'
'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.' — Kim Fielding

Men's Humor Quotes By Marlon Wayans

There are so many things to talk about between black people, Hispanic people, white people, gay people, men, women, it's all based on fear. We all have fears, this thing that stops us from embracing as we are one. We are never going to be one. People are messed up, but humor lets us see how ignorant we can be. — Marlon Wayans

Men's Humor Quotes By Dylan Perry

At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people's home wasn't one of them. Usually boys of his age might consider changes along the lines of smoking less grass at home, at college or at work, to be a good idea. Or maybe spending less time on that solitary pursuit common to men of his age across the globe. Enjoyable though he found it, he was going to cut back on the procrastination, but that was going to have to wait. — Dylan Perry

Men's Humor Quotes By Jeff Foxworthy

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass. — Jeff Foxworthy

Men's Humor Quotes By Frank Carson

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday." — Frank Carson

Men's Humor Quotes By Imogen Binnie

So it's actually way easier just to humor these men who grew up watching movies where the girl doesn't like the hero until he's been persistent enough to make her like him. This is the grease that keeps the gears of the heteronormativity machine spinning, obviously, but it's just easier to slip out of an awkward situation with an awkward guy than it is to call out the misogyny inherent in what he's doing. It's a tough spot to be in, but also this is coming from an angry dyke who's also trans and who, at one point, had society try to use her as a vessel for that kinda of misogyny. — Imogen Binnie

Men's Humor Quotes By Chris Rock

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense — Chris Rock

Men's Humor Quotes By Tommy Cooper

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it' — Tommy Cooper

Men's Humor Quotes By Michael J. Sullivan

Just - don't - move," Guy said with his hands spread out in front of him. He looked as if he were trying to catch a wild horse, and did not advance, dismount, or draw his sword.
Just then the portcullis dropped.
"There's no escape," Guy assured him.
From a nearby door, a handful of guards trotted toward Hadrian with their swords drawn.
"Stop!" Guy ordered, raising his hand abruptly. "Don't go near him. Just fan out."
The men waiting in line looked from the soldiers to Hadrian and then backed away.
"I know what you're thinking, Mr. Blackwater," Guy said in an almost friendly tone. "But we truly have you outnumbered this time. — Michael J. Sullivan

Men's Humor Quotes By H.G.Wells

There are men on that Commission who would steal the brakes off a mountain railway just before they went down in it...It's a struggle with suicidal imbeciles.

The Secret Places of The Heart (Kindle Location 59) — H.G.Wells

Men's Humor Quotes By Jill Shalvis

I've given up men."
At that, he arched a brow.
Be strong. Be confident. Be ... Neytiri from Avatar. Okay, so Neytiri was a mythical creature, not to mention animated, but still. She was strong and
confident, and that's all that matters at the moment. "It's true. At first, I was just going to give up attorneys, but that seemed immature - and far too
exclusive, so I'm playing it safe and giving up all the penis-carrying humans." Because that was so much more mature. — Jill Shalvis

Men's Humor Quotes By Lewis Black

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!" — Lewis Black

Men's Humor Quotes By Terry Pratchett

Polly had been washing up when she'd heard the men talking late one night, and it's a poor woman who can't eavesdrop while making a noise at the same time. — Terry Pratchett

Men's Humor Quotes By Frank Carson

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages." — Frank Carson

Men's Humor Quotes By Elizabeth Vaughan

Where is Simus?" Keir asked.

As if at his command, the flaps of the main entrance opened, and there was a commotion as Simus was borne aloft on a cot by four men, like the roast pig at the mid-winter festival. I had to smile, and saw that others in the crowd were not immune to the humor of the image.

"Make way!" Simus boomed out, his voice filled with laughter. "Make way!" He grinned like a fool, white teeth gleaming in his dark face, carried aloft over everyone's head, propped up with brightly colored pillows. But his joy changed to a yell of panic when one of his bearers stumbled slightly. This caused an outbreak of laughter in the crowd, as Simus berated his bearers for their clumsiness. — Elizabeth Vaughan

Men's Humor Quotes By Janet Evanovich

He's hot, Lula said, but he's a pig. All men are pigs.
Do you really believe that?
No but it's a point of view to keep in mind . You don't want to go around thinkin' shit is your fault. Next thing you know, they got you makin' pot roast ad you're cutting up your mastercard. — Janet Evanovich

Men's Humor Quotes By Sable Hunter

Whenever one would see a little filly that caught his eye, he would look at her and simply say one word that would alert the others that she has been claimed and was strictly off-limits to the rest of the McCoys. Stepping closer to the table, he loudly proclaimed, "Tag!"
As soon as the word had left Aron's mouth, the younger men looked up at him in suprise. Issac bit back a snort, and Jacob simply said, "Thank God." Their brother has finally decided to come out of hiding. — Sable Hunter

Men's Humor Quotes By Chelsea Handler

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life. — Chelsea Handler

Men's Humor Quotes By Lila Shaw

He's an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I've slept with. — Lila Shaw

Men's Humor Quotes By Terry Pratchett

The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Although, if he really thought about it, not much like her; they were better endowed around the chest, their noses weren't so red and pointed, and their hair tended to flow more. But the Fool's libido was bright enough to tell the difference between the impossible and the conceivably attainable, and hurriedly cut in some filter circuits. — Terry Pratchett

Men's Humor Quotes By Elizabeth Kay

I'm a shreddermouf, aren't I?' 'I was afraid of that,' said Tansy. He was going to keep her in his larder until he was hungy again, and then he was going to rip her apart. 'Dis is my lair', said the shreddermouth proudly. 'It's de best lair in Tiratattle.' 'Is it?' said Tansy. 'Oh yes. It's a drainage tunnel. Goes right up to de surface, it does. Lots of storage space. My name's Gulp.' 'Tansy,' said Tansy, deciding not to ask him what he kept in his storage space and wondering whether introductions were quite the thing. — Elizabeth Kay

Men's Humor Quotes By George R R Martin

Some say knowledge is power. Some tell us that all power comes from the gods. Others say it derives from law. Yet that day on the steps of Baelor's Sept, our godly High Septon and the lawful Queen Regent and your ever-so-knowledgeable servant were as powerless as any cobbler or cooper in the crowd. Who truly killed Eddard Stark, do you think? Joffrey, who gave the command? Ser Ilyn Payne, who swung the sword? Or ... another?"
Tyrion cocked his head sideways. "Did you mean to answer your damned riddle, or only to make my head ache worse?"
Varys smiled. "Here, then. Power resides where men believe it resides. No more and no less."
"So power is a mummer's trick?"
"A shadow on the wall," Varys murmured, "yet shadows can kill. And ofttimes a very small man can cast a very large shadow."
Tyrion smiled. "Lord Varyls, I am growing strangely fond of you. I may kill you yet, but I think I'd feel sad about it. — George R R Martin

Men's Humor Quotes By Louis Nowra

It's because his wife left him. That's why he's acting funny. She left him the other night. While she was putting her bags into the taxi he was outside on the footpath begging her to stay. On his knees! Why are men so embarrassing?
Bev — Louis Nowra

Men's Humor Quotes By D.H. Lawrence

He's got _go_, anyhow.'
Certainly, he's got go,' said Gudrun. 'In fact I've never seen a man that showed signs of so much. The unfortunate thing is, where does his _go_ go to, what becomes of it? — D.H. Lawrence

Men's Humor Quotes By Harry Turtledove

Somewhere near the Alamo, a bugle brayed: either that or McCulloch's men had found some reason to torture a poor, defenseless donkey. — Harry Turtledove

Men's Humor Quotes By Joe Abercrombie

Bloody North," said Shev as she picked her way towards it and had a tentative drag at the ropes. "Even their bridges are shit."
"Their men are good," said Javre, clattering out with no fear whatsoever. "Far from subtle, but enthusiastic."
"Great," said Shev as she edged after, exchanging a mutually suspicious glance with a crow perched atop one of the posts. "Men. The one thing that interests me not at all."
"You should try them."
"I did. Once. Bloody useless. Like trying to have a conversation with someone who doesn't even speak your language, let alone understand the topic."
"Some are certainly more horizontally fluent than others."
"No. Just no. The hairiness, and the lumpiness, and the great big fumbling fingers and ... balls. I mean, balls. What's that about? That is one singularly unattractive piece of anatomy. That is just ... that is bad design, is what that is. — Joe Abercrombie

Men's Humor Quotes By Edith Pargeter

What is there," Owain wondered aloud, to the sky above him and the soil below, "persuades this man still that my words do not mean what they seem to mean in sane men's ears? — Edith Pargeter

Men's Humor Quotes By James Lusarde

We laughed together. It's so lovely laughing with a man. It feels positive. Relaxed ... — James Lusarde

Men's Humor Quotes By Chris Rock

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more? — Chris Rock

Men's Humor Quotes By Lisa Kleypas

Do I have to take a knee when I ask her?" Ryan asked."No, but it's traditional." Ryan rubbed the lower half of his jaw, clearly not liking the idea. "Men used to kneel when they were being knighted," Sofia pointed out."Or beheaded," Ryan said darkly. — Lisa Kleypas

Men's Humor Quotes By Kathy Griffin

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. "You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date." Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right. — Kathy Griffin

Men's Humor Quotes By Lois Greiman

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine. — Lois Greiman

Men's Humor Quotes By Susan Dennard

Miss Fitt, you know curiosity gets men killed."
I grinned. "Then I daresay it's good I'm a woman. — Susan Dennard

Men's Humor Quotes By J. Fally

I'm so good at my job the law thinks I'm three different hit men and a serial killer. I speak Russian and French, I never had a pet, and the reason why you hate my coffee is that it's decaf. — J. Fally

Men's Humor Quotes By Dashiell Hammett

Men came in and dragged us apart. It took us five minutes to bring Nora to. She sat up holding her cheek and looked around the room until she saw Morelli, nippers on one wrist, standing between two detectives. Morelli's face was a mess: the coppers had worked him over a little just for the fun of it. Nora glared at me. "You damned fool," she said, "you didn't have to knock me cold. I knew you'd take him, but I wanted to see it."
One of the coppers laughed. "Jesus," he said admiringly, "there's a woman with hair on her chest. — Dashiell Hammett

Men's Humor Quotes By Kristie Cook

Oh, I'm sure Tristin will do it" She said casually as she hung the dress back on the hanger. I stared at her in confusion. "Surely he knows how to put a condom."

The visual made my insides squirm with panic.
"I mean the whole thing! All of it!" I cried.
"Oh" She looked at me with surprise and then her expression dissolved into understanding. "Honey, it will all come naturally."

"How do I know what natural is though? How do I know what's right? What if I do it all wrong?"
She smiled. "The thing about men, Alexis, is they generally don't find any of it wrong. In fact, usually the more wrong it is, the more they like it. — Kristie Cook

Men's Humor Quotes By Laurell K. Hamilton

My least favorite thing was a man who had severe white-man's ass, where the jeans just bagged over the butt. I wanted something to hold on to, something to sink my teeth into. When I said I liked meat on my men I didn't just mean one thing. — Laurell K. Hamilton

Men's Humor Quotes By L.M. Montgomery

It is not," Valency could hear her mother's prim, dictatorial voice asserting, "it is not MAIDENLY to think about MEN. — L.M. Montgomery

Men's Humor Quotes By Rita Rudner

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. — Rita Rudner

Men's Humor Quotes By Emma Forrest

In hindsight, I have no idea why he was ever with me. He thought highly of my breasts. And ... that's it, I think. — Emma Forrest

Men's Humor Quotes By George W. Bush

It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots. — George W. Bush

Men's Humor Quotes By Rick Riordan

This was a few weeks ago," Annabeth said. "Percy told me a crazy story about meeting a boy our near Moriches Bay. Apparently this kid used hieroglyphs to cast spells. He helped Percy battle a crocodile monsters."
"The Sob of Sobek!" Sadie blurted. "But my brother battled that monster. He didn't say anything about-"
"Is your brother's name Carter?" Annabeth asked.
An angry golden aura flickered around Sadie's head-a halo of hieroglyphs that resembled frowns, fists, and dead stick men.
"As of this moment," Sadie growled, "My brother's name is Punching Bag. — Rick Riordan

Men's Humor Quotes By Brad Thor

If he's like any other man I've ever met, it's not my smile he's going to be looking at. — Brad Thor

Men's Humor Quotes By Bill Engvall

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men — Bill Engvall

Men's Humor Quotes By Christine Feehan

I can't help it, Kate. And I'm laughing at me. I feel like one of those sappy men who run around with a big grin on his face all the time. I feel like grinning all the time around you, and it's so idiotic. — Christine Feehan

Men's Humor Quotes By C.S. Lewis

In a word, we may reasonably hope for the virtual abolition of education when I'm as good as you has fully had its way. All incentives to learn and all penalties for not learning will vanish.The few who might want to learn will be prevented; who are they to overtop their fellows? And anyway the teachers
or should I say, nurses?
will be far too busy reassuring the dunces and patting them on the back to waste any time on real teaching. We shall no longer have to plan and toil to spread imperturable conceit and incurable ignorance among men. The little vermin themselves will do it for us. — C.S. Lewis

Men's Humor Quotes By Abigail Roux

The CIA currently has in custody two FBI agents and a Boston police detective who is demanding they pay for the damage to his boat."
"He's okay?"
Burns nodded. "Emptied a double-barreled shotgun at a couple of Company lackeys, and then they arrested him. He spent all night claiming he thought they were the Men in Black coming to scan his brain"
Ty bit his lip so he wouldn't laugh.
about Nick — Abigail Roux

Men's Humor Quotes By Ann Bruce

Are you setting me up?"

"Dear God in heaven, no! She's sworn off relationships with men, so you're safe. Besides, I don't think anything permanent would work with you." She paused. "I was thinking more along the lines of a fling."

"Jesus Christ," Jake muttered, running a hand down his face. "You're pimping me out. — Ann Bruce

Men's Humor Quotes By Janet Evanovich

Did you take Joyce's engine?'
'My instructions were to disable the car, but one of the men bet Hal a burger he couldn't get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine. — Janet Evanovich

Men's Humor Quotes By Clifton Hill

Walking alongside his apprentice's horse, Sethil Longmere, magus of the Third Circle, Magi Master of Dormir's army, and a man who had seen more years than most men could count, did his best to keep his apprentice Rousche from falling off his gelding. The dun horse had a sure foot and a good temper, but it seemed unlikely the animal was used to a grown man lying face first in its mane, legs sprawled behind, dangling with each step. — Clifton Hill

Men's Humor Quotes By Louise Rennison

So this is what men are like. Well, that's it, then - I am going to be a lesbian. — Louise Rennison

Men's Humor Quotes By Linda Weaver Clarke

Someone else is looking for him?"
"That's right, two men." Mrs. Brody softly laughed and said "They look just like those men in that alien movie. Dressed in black suits and sunglasses. They don't have much of a sense of humor though. When they came to my door, I asked them if they were seeking aliens and I assured them I wasn't one. They didn't laugh at my joke. — Linda Weaver Clarke

Men's Humor Quotes By Susan Elizabeth Phillips

I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.
-Bobby Tom — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Men's Humor Quotes By Cassandra Clare

Jace?" She offered him the glass.
"I am a man," he told her. "And men do not consume pink beverages. Get the gone, woman and bring me something brown."
"Brown?" Isabelle made a face.
"Brown is a manly colour," said Jace and yanked on a stray lock of Isabelle's hair with his free hand. "In fact, look-Alec is wearing it."
Alec looked mournfully down at his sweater. "It was black," he said. "But then it faded."
"You could dress it up with a sequined headband," Magnus suggested. — Cassandra Clare

Men's Humor Quotes By Denis Leary

"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!" — Denis Leary

Men's Humor Quotes By Sarah MacLean

I've got it! Let's get Alex married off as quickly as possible. That will make it easier for all of us!" Nick spoke with dry humor, "I'm not sure it would make it easier for Alex." Kit feigned disappointment. "Nor her husband, I suspect." "I don't expect many men will be too thrilled at the prospect of courting Alex, to be honest, what with having us to contend with," Will said, then added, "I confess, the only thing I am looking forward to is terrifying her potential suitors." Kit chuckled. "It's an additional benefit that, in terrifying them, we shall infuriate her." The — Sarah MacLean

Men's Humor Quotes By Gordon Korman

The au pair was bug-eyed. "What happened back there?"
"It's not our fault!" Dan babbled. "Those guys are crazy! They're like mini-Darth Vaders without the mask!"
"They're Benedictine monks!" Nellie exclaimed. "They're men of peace! Most of them are under vows of silence!"
"Yeah, well, not anymore," Dan told her. "They cursed us out pretty good. I don't know the language, but some things you don't have to translate. — Gordon Korman

Men's Humor Quotes By Tove Jansson

All men have parties and are pals who never let each other down. A pal can say terrible things which are forgotten the next day. A pal never forgives, he just forgets, and a woman forgives but never forgets. That's how it is. That's why women aren't allowed to have parties. Being forgiven is very unpleasant. — Tove Jansson

Men's Humor Quotes By Madeleine Urban

What, you didn't pack your lunch?" Ty asked sarcastically as he
shifted around in the seat and wedged himself against the door. He kicked a
foot up and propped it on the console between the two front seats.
"Sure, in my SpongeBob SquarePants lunch box. I have the thermos,
too," Morrison shot right back.
Zane kept his mouth shut, eyes moving between the two men, and
occasionally back to the driver, who was casually paying attention.
Ty stared at the kid and narrowed his eyes further. "Spongewhat?" he
asked flatly.
Zane didn't even try to hold back the chuckle when Morrison looked
at Ty like he'd lost his mind.
"Spongewha ... you're yanking my chain, aren't you?" Morrison
said. "Henny, he's yanking my chain."
"Yeah, well, that's what you getting for waving it in his face," the
driver answered reasonably.
"What the hell is a SpongeBob?" Ty asked Zane quietly in the
backseat. — Madeleine Urban

Men's Humor Quotes By Lois Greiman

Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage. — Lois Greiman

Men's Humor Quotes By David Simon

This is CID homicide, mister, and neither heat nor rain nor gloom of night will stay these men from their rendezvous with callousness. Cruel jokes? The cruelest. Sick humor? The sickest. And, you ask, how can they possibly do it? Volume. That's right, volume. They won't be outsold, they won't be undersold; they will solve no crime before its time. — David Simon

Men's Humor Quotes By Kingsley Amis

{Victor} was no exception to a rule of Alun's that men over fifty who took care of themselves were not to be trusted. — Kingsley Amis

Men's Humor Quotes By Christina Dodd

That's ridiculous." So ridiculous. "He's an adult. All adults know how to apologize."
"I beg to disagree, Your Highness. Only half of the adults know how to apologize. The other half are
men, and speaking for my gender, I assure you a man will move heaven and earth rather than say, I'm
sorry . — Christina Dodd

Men's Humor Quotes By Cindy Gerard

What happened?" Wyatt asked Crystal, and stood back so the two of them could come inside out of the oppressive heat.
"Why are you asking her?" Reed thumped past him. "I'm the one on crutches."
"She'll tell me the truth," Wyatt said. "You'll just give me some bullshit story that will end with 'You should see the other guy'."
"You wound me, bro" [Reed]
"He tore his ACL the day before yesterday trying to do a stunt on a skateboard." [Crystal]
"Mendoza dared him." [Luke Colter]
"No one held a gun to the fool's head" [Mendoza] — Cindy Gerard

Men's Humor Quotes By Edna St. Vincent Millay

Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.
Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.
If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.
Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you. — Edna St. Vincent Millay

Men's Humor Quotes By Mark Twain

Humor is man's greatest blessing. — Mark Twain

Men's Humor Quotes By David Foster Wallace

I'm up there trying to do my Chore. I've got the men's bathroom. There's something ... Pat there's something in the toilet up there. That won't flush. The thing. It won't go away. It keeps reappearing. Flush after flush. I'm only here for instructions. Possibly also protective equipment. I couldn't even describe the thing in the toilet. All I can say is if it was produced by anything human then I have to say I'm worried. Don't even ask me to describe it. If you want to go up and have a look, I'm 100% confident it's still there. It's made it real clear it's not going anywhere. — David Foster Wallace

Men's Humor Quotes By George Carlin

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. — George Carlin

Men's Humor Quotes By Marguerite Duras

The woman is the home. That's where she used to be, and that's where she still is. You might ask me, What if a man tries to be part of the home
will the woman let him? I answer yes. Because the he becomes one of the children. — Marguerite Duras

Men's Humor Quotes By Kim Fielding

'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.' — Kim Fielding

Men's Humor Quotes By Kristen Ashley

Poker isn't all about the cards. Poker's mostly about attention. You got a woman whose legs are like yours, tits are like yours, hair is like yours and ass is like yours, all she's gotta do for me is sit there and half the men at the table won't be concentrating on their cards. They'll be thinking about your legs, tits, hair and ass, how much they want 'em and just what they'd do to get 'em."
"I appreciate the compliment, Ty, but I don't think I'm all that."
"You got a dick?"
I felt my mouth twitch.
Then I answered, "No."
"Trust me — Kristen Ashley

Men's Humor Quotes By Roxane Gay

It's an amusing idea to some, this feminism thing - this audacious notion that women should be able to move through the world as freely, and enjoy the same inalienable rights and bodily autonomy, as men. At least, that's the impression given when feminism and feminists are all too often the targets of lazy humor. — Roxane Gay

Men's Humor Quotes By Solitaire Parke

In any perfect relationship men should remember it's a matter of direction; she takes what's right and you take what's left. — Solitaire Parke

Men's Humor Quotes By Erica Jong

The ultimate sexist put-down: the prick which lies down on the job. The ultimate weapon in the war between the sexes: the limp prick. The banner of the enemy's encampment: the prick at half-mast. The symbol of the apocalypse: the atomic warhead prick which self-destructs. That was the basic inequity which could never be righted: not that the male had a wonderful added attraction called a penis, but that the female had a wonderful all-weather cunt. Neither storm nor sleet nor dark of night could faze it. It was always there, always ready. Quite terrifying, when you think about it. No wonder men hated women. No wonder they invented the myth of female inadequacy. — Erica Jong

Men's Humor Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah." — Mitch Hedberg

Men's Humor Quotes By Olga Nunez Miret

Adele was in everybody's wish list, and her list of Romeos was nearly as long as the Yellow Pages. Some witty person had suggested that her family needed a system of traffic lights to avoid fatal crashes for the men in her life. — Olga Nunez Miret

Men's Humor Quotes By David Gordon Green

I always cast people with a sense of humor because people that are super serious don't understand when I ask them to eat a booger it's not necessarily about that. It's about something more. It's about inviting a little bit of absurdity into the process and humanity into the process. Making sure that no matter who we are and what sort of pedestal or glamorous lighting we're under, we're all eating boogers man. — David Gordon Green

Men's Humor Quotes By Regina Doman

There are billions of men in the world, probably millions near my age. Maybe hundreds who are compatible with me. Maybe at least a dozen who would want to date me. There's got to be at least five on the continent whom I could probably marry. So why am I so hung up on this one guy? — Regina Doman

Men's Humor Quotes By Aaron Blaylock

...the word "fine". As in "I'm fine", "it's fine", "that looks fine", etc. For a man the word fine has, tops, three or four meanings and that's only because of the fairly recent edition of "Dang, girl! You look fine!" Otherwise "fine" would range somewhere between satisfactory and of superior quality. For a woman the word "fine" has like seventy meanings and depending on voice inflexion can actually mean 'If I'm questioned again I'll stab you in your sleep'. — Aaron Blaylock

Men's Humor Quotes By Cherise Sinclair

Last month she'd read that a man's connective tissue aligned horizontally with the skin, whereas a female's went perpendicular - which was why women got lumpy cellulite and men didn't. And doesn't that totally prove that God is male? — Cherise Sinclair

Men's Humor Quotes By Shannon L. Alder

It wasn't because you weren't beautiful, talented, funny, creative or had everything in common. It was because some men prefer plain vanilla ice cream. It's predictable and a safe choice. Confident and adventurous men prefer the complexity and layers of a sundae, even the ones sprinkled with a little bit of nuts on top. — Shannon L. Alder

Men's Humor Quotes By Emma Chase

Once again, to the ladies out there - here's a fact for you: Men pretty much have sex on the brain twenty-four-seven. The exact figure is like every 5.2 seconds or some shit like that. — Emma Chase