Max Tucker Quotes & Sayings

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit. — Tucker Max

To put it simply, we think books are too important to leave to writers, and we want the wisest, most experienced, most knowledgeable people on earth to be able to effectively and easily share their wisdom with the world. — Tucker Max

Obstacles are only obstacles if you see them as obstacles. They can also be called opportunities. — Tucker Max

Calling one thing 'literature' and another 'fiction' is a way to create status where there is none. — Tucker Max

You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life. — Tucker Max

Books are so cheap and easy to get that people don't bother stealing them, which is the essential rule of piracy that the music business learned much too late. — Tucker Max

I sold a million books because I have a lot of fans, not because people hate me. — Tucker Max

If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma. — Tucker Max

One big lesson I learned from movie [making] was I don't do creative projects that I headline unless I have all the control. I can't deal with having to live with other people's screw ups, and that's just sort of the way the movie business works. The people with the money are in charge. Until I'm in charge, I don't want to play that game. — Tucker Max

It [eBook] is like introducing the machine gun to a revolutionary war. It changes everything. If you can reach your fans directly without having to go through a middle man, the entire economics of the publishing business changes. — Tucker Max

What people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine [movie industry] owns you. — Tucker Max

We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating. — Tucker Max

I always laugh when people call me a misogynist. I ... love women! Everything I do is to impress women. And if I hated women, why would half my fans be women? — Tucker Max

Great careers are getting easier to find and audition for, but harder to keep. — Tucker Max

I tell the truth, and truth is the ultimate defense against libel. — Tucker Max

His first question shows how well he knows me:
TheRoommate: Did you take any money out of her purse? — Tucker Max

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER! — Tucker Max

Obviously, I love Japanese food. My favorite TV show of all time, without exception, is 'Iron Chef.' Not the stupid American version; 'Iron Chef' Japanese; the real one, the one that was on in Japan ... my DVR for years was set to record almost every single 'Iron Chef' episode. — Tucker Max

Ladies, you may not realize this, understand this, or even believe this, but everything else we do is ultimately for you. Men don't do anything-create art, build businesses, donate to charity, invent things, or do anything noteworthy-for any reason other than to impress women, and thus get them to have sex with us. If women didn't exist, we'd still just be naked grunting apes living in caves. In a very real way, pussy is the key to human civilization. You don't have to like it, but it's a fact; if you understand it, you understand men. — Tucker Max

A personal brand is relevant to people who sell or create something relevant to who they are as a person. If you're not in that boat, which most people are not, personal branding makes no sense. — Tucker Max

I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did. — Tucker Max

I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don't even remember saying. — Tucker Max

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys. — Tucker Max

5:16 I shotgun two beers, piss out the bedroom window, catcall passing girls, burp violently, put cage fighting on tv, play with myself. I feel manly again. — Tucker Max

I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League. — Tucker Max

Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people. — Tucker Max

I'm fresh out of fucks to give. — Tucker Max

I started my blog in 2002. That was pre-MySpace, pre-Facebook. That was back before newspapers realized they were going out of business. That was back when no one gave any credence to Internet writers. — Tucker Max

The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me. — Tucker Max

The idea that guys should walk into a bar and confidently initiate contact and then seduce a woman based on a short term conversation is a toxic cultural myth that robs guys of self-confidence and that holds them up to an unrealistic standard that they have to become a super-extraverted narcissist in order to 'score with women' — Tucker Max

Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven. — Tucker Max

I laugh at people who say things like 'I'm a good person, I just do bad things.' No, that's not how it works. What you do IS who you are. — Tucker Max

Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want — Tucker Max

People, heed my warning: That stuff is Specials Olympics in a pint glass. You think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you are in the bathroom of the bar with your pants off, surrounded by five girls, giving your boxers to a bachelorette party because one of the girls is cute and told you that you had a nice butt. Be forewarned.
- from the Austin Road Trip story — Tucker Max

And that we were now those guys ... who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party. — Tucker Max

You can't fill your emails with crap, at least not with my friends, because they're brutal. If something sucks, they'll tell you. — Tucker Max

Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours? — Tucker Max

I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there? — Tucker Max

There is no number or level of success that would make me think, 'Wow, I didn't think that was possible.' — Tucker Max

I'm a decent-looking guy, but I've never walked into a room and got a girl because of how I looked. Look, I'm never excluded because of my looks. I just don't stand out. — Tucker Max

If you like to argue just for the sake of being contentious, you shouldn't pick a job based on this unresolved emotional issue of yours, you should get counseling for it. — Tucker Max

I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit. — Tucker Max

I prefer to keep fooling myself, at least for a little while longer. — Tucker Max

Tucker "I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. Please speak up. — Tucker Max

Frankly, I'd rather make a little bit less money if it means living in a better world for books and publishing in the future. — Tucker Max

One of life's great secrets: women don't look for handsome men, they look for men with beautiful women. — Tucker Max

Did you hear the nonsensical prattle spewing from her pie-hole? — Tucker Max

There is always more demand for great content then there will be great content to satisfy it. — Tucker Max

The only thing that someone could say about me that would hurt me would be something that's true that I don't want to be. — Tucker Max

Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me. — Tucker Max

Of course, I'm not a doctor; I just watch a lot of ER and House. — Tucker Max

My buddies and I, we all went to law school together, and once we started working in different cities, we all did crazy stuff, and we'd write e-mails to each other about the stuff we would do. And my friends thought my e-mails were really funny and they said, "Dude, why don't you put this up on a Web site. You know people would love to read this." — Tucker Max

Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer. — Tucker Max

Think about it: If you don't have any actual, tangible skills, then how can you do anything? You may be laughing and nodding, but do you realize how few people, when asked the basic question, 'What can you do?' stumble on the answer and have nothing to say? Most people. — Tucker Max

People have proven over and over that they will read if they are given something they like. The problem with reading is not reading, its that almost everything out there sucks. For so long, publishing has been run by a cartel of snobby pseudo-intellectual failed writers, and the resulting output has reflected not what the market wants, but what they think people are supposed to read. — Tucker Max

If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people. — Tucker Max

Failure either ruins you, or turns you into the man you can become. — Tucker Max

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds. — Tucker Max

My writing is authentic, and whatever happens in my life is what I write about. — Tucker Max

Anything that reflects the human condition back on humans in the entertainment medium is art. — Tucker Max

Most people's lives are nothing more than pointlessly frantic activity used as a psychological defense against their own impotence and fear. — Tucker Max

I hated being a lawyer and I wanted to like myself and like my job. — Tucker Max

Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM! — Tucker Max

I'm a human. Every human is flawed. I might be flawed in different ways than some people, or worse ways than some people, or better ways than some people. — Tucker Max

Theatrical success is predominantly two variables: who the distributor is and how much money they spend. — Tucker Max

Probably the best explanation for my success and other Internet writers, is that we're tapping a genre or a niche out there that needs to be filled and isn't. — Tucker Max

There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends. — Tucker Max

I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off. — Tucker Max

I wish I could bottle the seductive look she gave me so I could sniff it when I jack off. — Tucker Max

You can't do anything yourself on TV ... unless you have a LOT of money, but you can do an independent movie. — Tucker Max

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog. — Tucker Max

When your buddy tells you a movie is good, that's worth 2,000 commercials. — Tucker Max

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded". — Tucker Max

9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that. — Tucker Max

No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple. — Tucker Max

I feel like taking her money AND her soul is not cool. One or the other. — Tucker Max

In training, there is no winning or losing. There is only learning. — Tucker Max

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb. — Tucker Max

Make no mistake about it: Law school is not a bastion of intellectual discourse. — Tucker Max

It is better to ask for forgiveness then permission. — Tucker Max

I think I just pick really smart and motivated people to work with - people who are probably going to do great things anyway - and I just teach them what I know, maybe teach them how to think a little clearer than they did before, and then off they go. — Tucker Max

To get hwat you want out of life, all you really need to do is be honest about it, don't be afraid to go for it, and have fun while you do it
and you'll eventually get it. — Tucker Max

No sheep wants to be first through the gate, but every sheep will be second. — Tucker Max

Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I? — Tucker Max

Hollywood, it's just like high school. Whoever is pretty and popular, everyone wants to be with. — Tucker Max

Critics stopped being relevant when they stopped writing to inform and contextualize, and when they started writing to signal who they are, to display their identity by their stance on what they are writing about. Criticism should never be about the critic, but thats what it has become, and that's why no one cares about them anymore. — Tucker Max

The great stories go to those who aren't afraid to live them — Tucker Max

She was quite promiscuous, to the point where dating her was similar to the experience of sitting on a warm toilet seat: — Tucker Max

You ever met one of those guys who, in a totally calm and composed way, can scare the shit out of you? Like an MMA fighter, or the fat Kardashian sister who married Lamar Odom? — Tucker Max

I've heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a professor — Tucker Max

The first step off this downward spiral is to acknowledge these bad feelings as natural. When women feel this way, our society has sympathy, and Oprah gives them cars. But when men feel this way, our society demonizes these feelings as signs of weakness, amplifying the shame and self-judgment, repeating the macho advice to "suck it up" and "get over it." This bullshit makes the problem worse. It's impossible to pull yourself out of depression by your bootstraps when all you want to do is hang yourself with them. Bad advice can't fix bad feelings, and neither can ignoring those feelings. Don't try to push them away or pretend they're not there. These feelings evolved to protect us from harm, like our fight-or-flight responses. — Tucker Max

My parents got divorced when I was around a year old. My dad was essentially a nonentity in my life until I got to be about 16 or so. My mom was a flight attendant for PanAm, so I moved all over the world. London, Rio de Janeiro. — Tucker Max

There aren't a whole lot of people in culture that are unapologetically masculine. — Tucker Max

That's the beauty of alcohol. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen. — Tucker Max

I'm not even the coolest one of my friends. I'm just the guy who sat down and wrote everything down. Like I know plenty of people who do crazier stuff than I do. — Tucker Max

Women always want the guy that other women want. — Tucker Max

The hardest lesson I've had to learn in my life is that my intelligence is inversely correlated to my humility. The more I thought I knew, the less I actually knew. — Tucker Max

I have tons of fans in Canada. I've sold hundreds of thousands of books there. — Tucker Max

Social media for the majority of companies is not about helping customers or improving products. — Tucker Max

Communication is not what we say, but what you hear (which is a lesson I wish our educational system understood) — Tucker Max