Like Mike Funny Quotes & Sayings

He lived in the world, as the last of the Grisly Bears lived in settled Missouri.And as Spring and Summer had departed, that wild Logan of the woods, burying himself in the hollow of a tree, lived out the winter there, sucking his own paws; so, in his inclement, howling old age, Ahab's soul, shut up in the caved trunk of his body, there fed upon the sullen paws of its gloom! — Herman Melville

I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No ... got any Snapple?' — Mike Birbiglia

I was just thinking that he might be willing. It's not like he needs his semen. — Buffy Andrews

It's strange, isn't it, how the idea of belonging to someone can sound so great? It can be comforting, the way it makes things decided. We like the thought of being held, until it's too tight. We like that certainty, until it means there's no way out. And we like being his, until we realize we're not ours anymore. — Deb Caletti

I find as a viewer, when I go to see comedies, the strain to be funny throughout the whole thing. I start to lose my sense of reality, and it ends up feeling like an empty experience; there's funny stuff in it but I've lost the emotional connection to the characters because it's just so bananas. — Mike White

You have two ways to live your life," Dr. Hew — Joe Vitale

My takeaway from all of Ophelia's sessions was that life favored value. The world was bursting with opportunity. If you didn't like who you were, it was time to reinvent yourself and try again. It was a disservice to the universe to cheat everyone of your talents. And if you were at your wit's end, thinking you had nothing to offer, it was essential to cultivate value within yourself in order to move forward. In order to live beyond existence. In order to turn your pain into something beautiful. — Fran Seen

Hey, Chess, I know I've never dated a woman, but the thought of you leaving fills me with fucking dread. Because I don't want to be your friend anymore. I just want to be yours. — Kristen Callihan

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore! — Mike Birbiglia

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!" — Mike Birbiglia

Racism is predictable. It's predicted by interaction or lack thereof with people unlike you, people of other races. — Nate Silver

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!" — Mike Birbiglia

The whole point about laughter is it's like mercury: you can't catch it, you can't catch what motivates it - that's why it's funny. — Mike Nichols

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian. — Mike Birbiglia

Seriously, why didn't Brody or I know about the neighbors? It's not like I'm a dog. I'm not going to hump them in public." At Mike's look, he flushed. "For God's sake, I was twenty years old and drunk. The girl wasn't even real. It was a mannequin and it was all Brody's idea. — Marie Harte

My father was a very funny man, and one of my strongest recollections is hearing him laugh. He didn't like people who had no sense of humour. — Mike Myers

You get to the end of something, you're laughing, you're like, 'That's funny, and that's funny,' and then you get to the end, and the credits come down, and you're like, 'That's it?! That's the whole thing?! You had me here for that?!' I just don't want to do that. — Mike Birbiglia

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!" — Mike Birbiglia

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others. — Mike Birbiglia

The rapists of the intellectual world become politicians; the seducers become artists. — Robert Anton Wilson

Mike stood in-line, waiting for the mealtime muck that passed for lunch at his school canteen. He knew he was getting close to the front now, as he tightly held his tray. Not just because he could see this as you might expect, but because he could smell Margery the school cook's body odour. The children at the front were already holding their breath. You could see a line of pink faces close to him, to red, then purple closest to Margery. Only when they left at the end did they breathe for air and turn back to their normal colour again, like a deep sea diver after a long plunge.

"Margery the Meal Murderer" was her name for most school kids. — L.P. Donnelli

I like films that are so funny, dramatic and lifelike simultaneously, that you are laughing and cringing simultaneously all throughout the film. — Mike Birbiglia

There's a lot of people talking about elitism and all of that.Yes, I went to Princeton and Harvard, but the lens through which I see the world is the lens that I grew up with. I am the product of a working class upbringing. — Barack Obama

A smile is the chosen vehicle of all ambiguities. — Herman Melville