Lawyer Humor Quotes & Sayings

He aimed at the lawyer's heart but missed it. It was a mistrial. — Natalya Vorobyova

Passion was part of what made us human. I wanted to be more than just a lawyer. I wanted to be a human too! — N.M. Silber

Has he come armed, then?" she asked anxiously. "Has he brought a pistol or a sword?"
Ian shook his head, his dark hair lifting wildly in the wind.
"Oh, no, Mam!" he said. "It's worse. He's brought a lawyer! — Diana Gabaldon

On the stand, I asked the witness, "What's your occupation?"
"Make-up artist."
"Objection!" I replied, "Lack of foundation. — Natalya Vorobyova

A thousand curses on you and those who spawned you! You've plagued me long enough, you stygian fiend! I don't know what sulfurous pit you've crawled out of, but I mean to return you to it! I'll send you on a voyage down the river Styx if it's the last thing I do!" Twain directed his attention back to the phone. "No, I wasn't talking to you, but most of what I said still applies. — Arthur Daigle

If you expect me to believe that a lawyer wrote A Midsummer Night's Dream, I must be dafter than I look. — Jasper Fforde

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. — Magdalen Braden

When I pass the bar, you'll be barred from bars but put behind them. — Natalya Vorobyova

In college, I wanted to be Perry Mason, the hottest defense lawyer around. Then I realized that defense lawyers represented the scum of the earth, and most of their clients were guilty. Kinda blew the image for me. In my sophomore year, I took a journalism course and was hooked. I discovered investigative reporting, and soon realized I could be judge, jury, and prosecutor. So who needed to be a lawyer — Rick Pullen

This bastard is so guilty he already has his lawyer here. — Kevin Hearne

So the demon says to the angel: 'Sue me? Where do you think you're going to have to go to find a lawyer? — Lauren Kate

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies ... I'm not really a lawyer. — Tina Fey

What did the lawyer say?" I couldn't stop the little snicker that slipped out as I sat back up in the seat and laced my fingers behind my head.
"Before or after I kissed her?"
"Zeb!" My mom gave me a hard look and my sister just shook her head. — Jay Crownover

I was so happy to be out of there. "Barabas, if you weren't batting
for the other team, I'd marry you."

He grinned. "If I weren't batting for the other team, I would accept your
proposal. You had me at 'No comment.' If all my clients were this smart, my
life would be much easier. Much, much easier. — Ilona Andrews

I'd rather go outlaw than be a doctor or a lawyer. — Larry McMurtry

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch. — Mark Twain

Okay, so he's hot and he's alone, but how do you know he's not a serial killer or even worse, a lawyer? — Helena S. Paige

Although I don't know for sure, I'd bet my dog and lot that John Grisham never worked for the mob. All of that is total fabrication (and total fabrication is the fiction-writer's purest delight). He was once a young lawyer, though, and he has clearly forgotten none of the struggle. Nor has he forgotten the location of the various financial pitfalls and honeytraps that make the field of corporate law so difficult. Using plainspun humor as a brilliant counterpoint and never substituting cant for story, he sketches a world of Darwinian struggle where all the savages wear three-piece suits. And - here's the good part - this is a world impossible not to believe. Grisham has been there, spied out the land and the enemy positions, and brought back a full report. He told the truth of what he knew, and for that if nothing else, he deserves every buck The Firm made. — Stephen King

Maybe I should be a lawyer instead of a magical baker, Rose thought. Lawyers' mistakes rarely result in old men climbing on top of towers and taking off their pants.
~Bliss — Kathryn Littlewood

I became one of those annoying people who always say Ciao! Only I was extra annoying, since I would always explain where the word ciao comes from. (If you must know, it's an abbreviation of a phrase used by medieval Venetians as an intimate salutation: Sono il suo schiavo! Meaning: "I am your slave!") Just speaking these words made me feel sexy and happy. My divorce lawyer told me not to worry; she said she had one client (Korean by heritage) who, after a yucky divorce, legally changed her name to something Italian, just to feel sexy and happy again. — Elizabeth Gilbert

(The subject of Peter Gallagher's eyebrows, I realize, is a digression away from the Oneida Community, and yet, I do feel compelled, indeed almost conspiracy theoretically bound to mention that one of the reasons the Oneida Community broke up and turned itself into a corporate teapot factory is that a faction within the group, led by a lawyer named James William Towner, was miffed that the community's most esteemed elders were bogarting the teenage virgins and left in a huff for none other than Orange County, California, where Towner helped organize the Orange County government, became a judge, and picked the spot where the Santa Ana courthouse would be built, a courthouse where, it is reasonable to assume, Peter Gallagher's attorney on The O.C. might defend his clients.) — Sarah Vowell

In February 1999, my wife, who is also a Rangers fan, gave birth to our first child. We named her Destiny and made sure that she was baptized in a Rangers jersey. At her baptism, my wife, myself, and my stepdaughter all wore our Rangers jerseys. Years later, as Destiny learned about hockey, she came to me and said, 'Daddy, I like the Penguins. They're cool!' I immediately called my lawyer friend, wanting to sue the doctor who delivered her. God does have a sense of humor." James Valenzano, Maricopa, Arizona Rangers fan since 1970 — Adam Raider

Twain please!" Peck blubbered. "It was never personal. It was just business!"
"Oh Peck, do you think I'm mad at you? I"m a lawyer. I don't get mad. I don't get even." Twain gave him a wicked smile. " I sue people. — Arthur Daigle

Hey you scummers, we got a cheap lawyer and we're no' afraid tae use him!" Rob Anybody. — Terry Pratchett

During the years of struggling to make partner, he had sometimes entertained the comical notion that making partner would imbue him with new powers, like a budding superhero who had been bitten by a radioactive spider. It appeared that any superpowers he had gained did not include the ability to pick up women in bars. — Reece Hirsch

A good coat is like a good lawyer. it covers your ass. — Lee Child

The first time I read Isaac Babel was in a college creative writing class. The instructor was a sympathetic Jewish novelist with a Jesus-like beard, an affinity for Russian literature, and a melancholy sense of humor, such that one afternoon he even "realized" the truth of human mortality, right there in the classroom. He pointed at each of us around the seminar table: "You're going to die. And you're going to die. And you're going to die." I still remember the expression on the face of one of my classmates, a genial scion of the Kennedy family who always wrote the same story, about a busy corporate lawyer who neglected his wife. The expression was confused. — Elif Batuman