Kintz Quotes & Sayings

I'm putty in her hands. Out of her hands, I'm more like clay. — Jarod Kintz

Babies look better when they're all dressed up - in bacon. — Jarod Kintz

I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don't come out in front, then simply changing directions will correct that. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick would not only benefit from the stupidity of the citizenry, but the people would benefit by electing the smarter of the two candidates. — Jarod Kintz

If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I'm sorry, but the only person I'll let live my life for me is my clone. He thinks like me, so I'm OK with him thinking for me. — Jarod Kintz

I stole the y, and what was yours is now ours. — Jarod Kintz

Professional wrestling is a lot like cuddling, I thought as I hugged a tree. As far as lumberjacks go, I'm slow, but when the tree finally falls for me, it falls hard. — Jarod Kintz

I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That's why I'm wearing a condom.) — Jarod Kintz

I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong? — Jarod Kintz

Blankets could be used as billboards on buildings, especially hotels, if you write things like, "Free sex with room." — Jarod Kintz

Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink. — Jarod Kintz

I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn't get my fingerprints on his fingerprints. — Jarod Kintz

The best part of the word "booboo" is the breast. While the word doesn't suck, it is quite suckable. — Jarod Kintz

This book (Jarod Kintz's book) is trash. I mean, I assume it is, because that's where I found it while scrounging for lunch. However, I must admit that I haven't read it. I would have, but I am homeless, mainly due to my illiteracy (though Big Government, Keynesian monetary policy, and my struggle with alcoholism certainly played a large role). — Dora J. Arod

I had to put away my toy so it didn't get lost. After all, cats can't read maps or ask for directions, and they don't possess GPS. — Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33. — Jarod Kintz

Love rules the world. Like a tyrant. — Jarod Kintz

I'm on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I'm driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour. Oh, if only love were so easy to calculate. — Jarod Kintz

The name's David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I'm also not my own father, if you were wondering. — Jarod Kintz

My office window overlooks a parking lot. I've got the best view on the whole submarine. — Jarod Kintz

Some people wish they could have invented the wheel. But I'm trying to reinvent the wheelbarrow, to more efficiently haul around my bullshit. — Jarod Kintz

I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you. — Jarod Kintz

Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake. — Jarod Kintz

I'm hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into the kitchen and found blood on the floor, right next to a few dead hookers. — Jarod Kintz

Don't point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That's how a real politician defers blame. — Jarod Kintz

While I'm no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no hitters, there was also nobody there to catch. — Jarod Kintz

I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive. — Jarod Kintz

In five years I want to go equally as far as I have come in the last five years. No, farther. Five years ago I embarked on a journey that led me to this point, so five years from now I'd like to be six years older. — Jarod Kintz

The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you're going to see it blink black. That's the moment to start writing. — Jarod Kintz

My grandmother got approved right before the law changed, so naturally she got grandfathered in. In related news, but completely unrelated, I was adopted. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat's rough tongue. — Jarod Kintz

In the long run, a treadmill's a great investment. — Jarod Kintz

I keep a large map of the world hanging above my bed. Everybody wants to own land, but I want to own the oceans. — Jarod Kintz

Today you win, and tomorrow I'll steal your trophy. — Jarod Kintz

I wish I had money now. If only I'd saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies. — Jarod Kintz

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born. — Jarod Kintz

Her boyfriend can't hold a candle to me. Especially not while I'm holding the strobe light. It's hard to do modern dancing when you're living like it's 1882. Still, I make it look pretty easy. — Jarod Kintz

In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that I was asleep, but that I needed to wake up and write this down. Blah. — Jarod Kintz

I went for a walk and I stubbed my big toe. And my erection. — Jarod Kintz

I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your life. — Jarod Kintz

Standing around making ten dollars an hour - that's what they pay me the big bucks for. — Jarod Kintz

Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me's & bananas individually or by the pocketful. — Jarod Kintz

Did I spell the word "did" right? Of course not! I got my D's mixed up. — Jarod Kintz

A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included. — Jarod Kintz

An ideal first date should involve things like a candle-lit dinner, soft music, and a binary anal defibrillator, with a guest appearance by Renaldo. — Jarod Kintz

She didn't just disappear from my life - she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer's, I will never forget it. — Jarod Kintz

Reflecting on myself - it can be introspective, depending on if I'm standing in front of a mirror at that moment or not. — Jarod Kintz

I want to move to Hollywood and audition for parts just so I can say, I'm not an actor. I just play one on TV. — Jarod Kintz

My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce? — Jarod Kintz

If you don't speak Greek, how do you know if it's all Greek to you? — Jarod Kintz

I really hate that I need my glasses while using my laptop. What I hate even more is that I need those glasses to be full of vodka at all times.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz — Karen Quan

Bricks could be used as words in the saying of a mason. When words and actions match up, you have a structure people could live in. It's a lot to live up to, and a lot to live in. — Jarod Kintz

The Federal Reserve was created after a 1913 meeting in Jekyll Island, Ga that was so secret it wasn't discovered until Orafoura began cleaning out his underwear drawer in 1982. — Jarod Kintz

The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words. — Jarod Kintz

I called Phil up, but I didn't call Phillip. He hung up on me, and I'm still hung up about that. To make things right I might just call Phillip and hang up. — Jarod Kintz

I'll leave the door unlocked. Be sure to ring the doorbell before you climb in through the window. — Jarod Kintz

Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn't enjoy the second. — Jarod Kintz

Lost dog. Looks like a chicken. If found, do not attempt to feed it scrambled eggs for breakfast. You'll offend it just like I did, and it will run away. — Jarod Kintz

The basketball team was trailing by three points. I trail by four points - north, south, east, and west. I also trail by covered wagon. — Jarod Kintz

If it's dangerous, then you go first. If it's pleasurable, then I'll be brave and lead the charge. — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn't mean one is good and the other is bad. — Jarod Kintz

If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can't kill on sight alone. It's the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which, they are two sides to the same sandwich. — Jarod Kintz

I prefer to let my voice do all the talking for me. — Jarod Kintz

The Nile crashed in the Amazon while being piloted by Miss Ississippi. — Jarod Kintz

I'm 20 miles from 200 miles from nowhere. — Jarod Kintz

I'd rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It's homemade. — Jarod Kintz

I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste. — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used like cloud cover — Jarod Kintz

In flew influence, and out fluttered humility. Be like a butterfly and a flower - beautiful and sought after, yet unassuming and gentle. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won't start your car. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be planted on a farm, in the hopes that a house will spring up come harvest. But that idea is ridiculous, because we're in a drought, and there simply hasn't been enough rain to yield a crop of that magnitude. — Jarod Kintz

You can read until you're blue in the face, but I'd recommend writing until you're red in the face. And ass. — Jarod Kintz

Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant. — Jarod Kintz

He met her because I didn't show up that day and he went in my place. If they get married, I should be the best man. I am Invisible Cupid, so where's my monument to love? — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin. — Jarod Kintz

I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I'm not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher. — Jarod Kintz

If I were a parent, I would feel like nudity should not be on the back of any magazine. No, it should be on the front. — Jarod Kintz

I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels. — Jarod Kintz

I'm like a ventriloquist chasing his own voice. I can whisper and shout at the same time, and this is the closest approximation I have to a description of love. I would offer you something to drink, but I'm not in the kitchen, even though it may sound like I am. — Jarod Kintz

Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet. — Jarod Kintz

Make love like you just stole it. — Jarod Kintz

Mounting anything on a plaque instantly transforms it from trash into an award. For example, a dry disposable pen goes from junk clutter to the first annual writer's award for dry humor. — Jarod Kintz

My uncle just dropped in to see me, but his parachute didn't open up. So now we're waiting on the ambulance to come pick him up. (Hey, I would have drove him to the hospital, but gas prices are too high!) — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between swallows of beer. — Jarod Kintz

I want to be the guy who the guy you admire admires. I hope his name is Guy, because I admire M.C. Escher. — Jarod Kintz

I don't need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning label on the package. — Jarod Kintz

Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you've got to take stuff. What, do you think someone's just going to hand you what you want? — Jarod Kintz

For a case study in personal branding. Google "Jarod Kintz." He's kind of a big deal. — Ryan Lilly

And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up. — Jarod Kintz

I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women. — Jarod Kintz

In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess. — Jarod Kintz

I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it's better to sneak out. — Jarod Kintz

I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle - without even working out! — Jarod Kintz

I hate when I'm not done with my cup but my mom decides to put it in the dishwasher anyway and the cup isn't dishwasher safe. I keep telling my mom that my origami coffee mugs are hand wash ONLY. Handshakes are also hand wash only.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz — Karen Quan

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming. — Jarod Kintz

Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I'd rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her? — Jarod Kintz

If somebody kills me, at least I won't be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis. — Jarod Kintz

It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm just a kitten. — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it'll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You'd better get walking, because me and my camel won't be stopping until we have to pee. — Jarod Kintz