Keillor Quotes & Sayings

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes. — Garrison Keillor

Wal-Mart is going in and slaughtering [small towns] just as we once killed the buffalo. — Garrison Keillor

You'd learn more about the world by lying on the couch and drinking gin out of a bottle than by watching the news. — Garrison Keillor

The drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the priest, Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag's on fire? — Garrison Keillor

I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet. — Garrison Keillor

Scripture doesn't promise that God will remove temptation, only that you'll be given strength to withstand it. — Garrison Keillor

An interesting thing about New York City is that the subways run through the sewers. — Garrison Keillor

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. — Garrison Keillor

Enough. Man is capable of reform once presented with the facts, and the fact is that bottling water and shipping it is a big waste of fuel, so stop already. — Garrison Keillor

There's no mastery to be had. You love the attempt. You don't master a story any more than you master a river. You feel lucky to canoe down it. — Garrison Keillor

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that. — Garrison Keillor

Ralph Stanley is like an uncle to us and now that all my uncles are gone, Ralph's singing is even more precious. This album of classic folk songs is one of his best. — Garrison Keillor

Pumpkin pie is a living symbol of mediocrity. The best pumpkin pie you ever ate wasn't all that much different from the worst pumpkin pie you ever ate. — Garrison Keillor

It's better to be burnished with use than rusty with principle. — Garrison Keillor

What liberals must conserve is the middle class: the stable family who can afford to enjoy music and theater and take the kids to Europe someday and put money in the collection plate and save for college and keep up the home and be secure against catastrophe. This family has taken big hits in payroll taxes and loss of buying power and a certain suppressed panic about job security. — Garrison Keillor

Life is continuous. Life never stops. We come to the really great questions and before we can answer them, life has moved on to something else. — Garrison Keillor

A child can educate just about anybody. — Garrison Keillor

If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster. — Garrison Keillor

Writing is the main gig and teaching and performing are sidelines, an excuse for not writing more. Working on a novel and on an opera make me seriously want to retire and find a volunteer job as a docent at the zoo explaining to schoolchildren where frogs go in the winter. — Garrison Keillor

I thought A Prairie Home Companion would be an interesting thing to do for a summer or so. Public radio was just seven years old in 1974. It was a tiny organization in which a lot of things got started simply because there was all this time to fill. If you wanted to do an hour on Lithuanian folk dancing, you probably could have done it. — Garrison Keillor

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars. — Garrison Keillor

Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority. — Garrison Keillor

No matter what time of year I come here, people always say the same thing: Its not usually like this. — Garrison Keillor

In his 30 years of broadcasting and publishing fiction, Garrison Keillor has set the laugh bar pretty high. — Jane Smiley

To Norwegians, the polka is a form of martial art. — Garrison Keillor

English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say. — Garrison Keillor

I've wanted to be a writer since I was a boy, though it seemed an unlikely outcome since I showed no real talent. But I persevered and eventually found my own row to hoe. Ignorance of other writers' work keeps me from discouragement and I am less well-read than the average bus driver. — Garrison Keillor

Forget what you learned about poetry in school. (That it's complex, opaque, a problem to be solved in 1500 words by tomorrow.) Poetry is the last preserve of honest speech and the outspoken heart. It holds the cadence of common life. It has a passion for truth and justice and liberty; it is a buoy to people in ordinary trouble: to a friend whose life has gone skidding into the meridian, who has been struck by bad news, who is frying eggs and hash browns and has whiny child clinging to his pant leg. — Garrison Keillor

Boys, the first drink is a boon, the second is a gamble, the third is poor judgment, and then the rate of descent gets steep — Garrison Keillor

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming. — Garrison Keillor

In romance, as in life, you only learn when you're losing. — Garrison Keillor

The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons ... Republicans: The No. 1 reason the rest of the world thinks we're deaf, dumb, and dangerous. — Garrison Keillor

I have taken so many wrong turns and been so careless with precious things and managed to lose, or break, or leave out in the rain so much that I loved. — Garrison Keillor

He was admired for never being at a loss for words and never wasting any either. — Garrison Keillor

Not everyone has a Life's Work. Some people simply have a Life. — Garrison Keillor

Childhood is the small town everyone came from. — Garrison Keillor

There was a price to be paid for being interested in fiction and in writing, pushing my family away. Books and authors became my family. — Garrison Keillor

I usually don't work with other people; I do the whole show myself. — Garrison Keillor

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. — Garrison Keillor

On investments, 1998: Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see, say, 30 cans of tomato sauce and a five-pound bag of rice, I get a little thrill of well-being - much more so than if I take a look at the quarterly dividend report from my mutual fund. — Garrison Keillor

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass. — Garrison Keillor

The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think of the damage they would do if they were at the job instead, you can see why golf courses are a wise investment for any municipality. — Garrison Keillor

Couldn't dance because it would awaken carnal desire, which in my case was not only awake, it was dressed and down on the corner waiting for the bus. — Garrison Keillor

Librarians, Dusty, possess a vast store of politeness. These are people who get asked regularly the dumbest questions on God's green earth. These people tolerate every kind of crank and eccentric and mouth breather there is. — Garrison Keillor

Garrison Keillor read several of my poems on 'The Writer's Almanac' and I've heard from listeners nationally and internationally. That's one of the great gifts of email. — Ellen Bass

Sport is a seductive metaphor (life as a game in which we gain victory through hard work, discipline, and visualizing success). but the older metaphor of farming (life as hard labor that is subject to weather and quirks of blind fate and may return no reward whatsoever and don't be surprised) is still in our blood. — Garrison Keillor

I never was one to get upset about a few scratches on a motor vehicle, it is meant to be used, not saved. — Garrison Keillor

In Lake Wobegon, we don't forget mistakes. — Garrison Keillor

To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxury
yachts for weekend cruises on the Potomac. Some of these ships are up to 100
feet in length; the Presidential yacht is over 200 feet in length, and can
remain submerged for up to 3 weeks. — Garrison Keillor

We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service. — Garrison Keillor

The teacher was asking her students what their parents did for a living, and Timmy stood up and said, "My daddy's a doctor and my mommy's a doctor too." And little Sarah stood up and said, "My mommy's an engineer and my daddy's an accountant." And then little Billy stands up and says, "My mommy's a writer and my daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was horrified and later she called Billy's father, and said, "Why would you ever tell your child a thing like that?" And the father said, "Well, actually I'm a defense lawyer. But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? — Garrison Keillor

Freedom doesn't mean aimlessness. We can't just sleepwalk through life ... Freedom demands structure. — Garrison Keillor

I am a cheerful man, even in the dark, and it's all thanks to a good Lutheran mother ... Mother was well composed, a true Lutheran, and taught me to Cheer up, Make yourself useful, Mind your manners, and above all, Don't feel sorry for yourself. — Garrison Keillor

We live a pleasant life shopping at the Food Shoppe ... taking the kids to the Weinery-Beanery, ... and eating bran flakes .. and then, with no warning, we wake up one morning stricken with middle age, full of loneliness, dumb, in pain. Our work is useless, our vocation is lost, and nobody cares about us at all. This is not bearable. In despair, we go do something spectacularly dumb, like run away with Amber the cocktail waitress, and suddenly all the women in our life look at us with unmitigated disgust. — Garrison Keillor

How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb? Never mind. Nobody would get the joke anyway. — Garrison Keillor

Demagogues thrive in dim light. — Garrison Keillor

I'm a lucky guy. I get to sit around every day and indulge in make believe and get paid for it. — Garrison Keillor

Liberalism is dead, so dead that Democrats have all become moderate Republicans, and the heavy hand of Big Government is now limp and damp and trembly. — Garrison Keillor

Beauty isn't worth thinking about. What's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. - Garrison Keillor, American humorist — Habib Sadeghi

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people. — Garrison Keillor

Being Lutheran, Mother believed that self-pity is a deadly sin and so is nostalgia, and she had no time for either — Garrison Keillor

I don't associate work with feelings of satisfaction. Rather, guilt, frustration, and resentment of people who write better than I do. — Garrison Keillor

You don't have to justify a beautiful stroke of good luck. Accept it. Smile and say thank you. — Garrison Keillor

We English majors ... need to promote public libraries as a tool in the war against terror. How many readers of Edith Wharton have engaged in terroristic acts? I challenge you to name one ... Do we need to wait until our cities lie in smoking ruins before we wake up to the fact that a first-class public library is a vital link in national defense? — Garrison Keillor

God writes a lot of comedy ... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. — Garrison Keillor

In TIME June 7, 2010
On the sustainability of the publishing industry, in the Chicago Tribune:
"I think that book publishing is about to slide into the sea. We live in a literate time, and our children are writing up a storm, often combining letters and numbers ... The future of publishing: 18 million authors in America, each with an average of 14 readers, eight of whom are blood relatives. Average annual earnings: $175." - 5/26/10 — Garrison Keillor

Travel is the art form available to Everyman. You sit in the coffee shop in a strange city and nobody knows who you are, or cares, and so you shed your checkered past and your motley credentials and you face the day unarmed ... And onward we go and some day in the distant future, we will stop and turn around in astonishment to see all the places we've been and the heroes we were. — Garrison Keillor

Woman: Did you know that women are smarter than men? Man: No, I didn't. Woman: See what I mean? — Garrison Keillor

Lutherans don't hold bingo games in the church basement. Lutherans are against fun in general, which is why for them, birth control has never been a big issue. — Garrison Keillor

For some people, you know, Garrison Keillor, Rush Limbaugh, really the stars, they've got a passion. They eat, drink and breathe radio, and I'm not like that. I used to think I wanted to be. But I need to be away from it, too, and that's the difference, I think. — Tom Bodett

If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here. — Garrison Keillor

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens don't work in zero gravity. So they spent twelve million dollars and more than a decade developing a pen that writes under any condition, on almost every surface. The Russians used a pencil. — Garrison Keillor

Sing your song; don't let the bastards get you down. — Garrison Keillor

America of the future will be all malls connected by interstates. All because your parents no longer can their own tomatoes. — Garrison Keillor

Give guilt - the gift that lasts forever. — Garrison Keillor

By God, no matter what Republicans say, the people of this country really do care about each other. We are not a cold people. By God, when John F. Kennedy said, "Ask what you can do for your country," he spoke to this country's heart and conscience. — Garrison Keillor

Eople (in Minnesota) avoid stupidity when possible, not wanting to be a $10 haircut on a 50 cent head. — Garrison Keillor

IMPORTANT Book reading is a solitary and sedentary pursuit, and those who do are cautioned that a book should be used as an integral part of a well-rounded life, including a daily regimen of rigorous physical exercise, rewarding personal relationships, and sensible low-fat diet. A book should not be used a as a substitute or an excuse. — Garrison Keillor

You learn this great lesson of life: it's not about me. It's just not. The matter of talent-which seemed so important to you when you were young-is not of great importance. We're simply a conduit. We take things out of the air into us and put them in the form of stories. That's pretty much it. — Garrison Keillor

Adolescence hits boys harder than it does girls. Girls bleed a little and their breasts pop out, big deal, but adolescence lands on a guy with both feet ... Your body is engulfed by chemicals of rage and despair, you pound, you shriek, you batter your head against the trees. You come away wounded, feeling that life is unknowable, can never be understood, only endured and sometimes cheated. — Garrison Keillor

You don't want to get that sort of sound in your writing that boing that gives you away. — Garrison Keillor

The audience is invisible and that's good. Somewhere my voice is drifting through a swine barn and the sound of it seems to perk up the sows' appetite. Or a lady is listening on headphones as she jogs along a beach, running to my cadence. Or a dog sits in front of the radio, head cocked, and the sibilants excite him in some mysterious way. A dog's humorist, that's me. — Garrison Keillor

Don't worry about the past and don't try to figure out the future — Garrison Keillor

I was an English major at the University of Minnesota, and I was very shy, which many people misinterpreted as intelligence. On the basis of that wrong impression, I became the editor of the campus literary magazine. — Garrison Keillor

Growing up in a place that has winter, you learn to avoid self-pity. Winter is not a personal experience, everybody else is just as cold as you, so you shouldn't complain about it too much. You learn this as a kid, coming home crying from the cold, and Mother looks down and says, 'It's only a little frostbite. You're okay.' And thus you learn to be okay. What's done is done. Get over it. Drink your coffee. It's not the best you'll ever get but it's good enough. — Garrison Keillor

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. — Garrison Keillor

My ancestors were Puritans from England. They arrived here in 1648 in the hope of finding greater restrictions than were permissible under English law at that time. — Garrison Keillor

Selective ignorance, a cornerstone of child rearing. You don't put kids under surveillance: it might frighten you. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a noble and benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze. — Garrison Keillor

March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like. — Garrison Keillor

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. — Garrison Keillor

Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up. — Garrison Keillor

And Garrison Keillor I think is a fascinating guy and really entertaining. — Woody Harrelson

Possessing the ideal makes a person nervous: you sense the inevitable decline just ahead. — Garrison Keillor

The mass of men lead lives of shallow happiness; the superior man exults in his gloom. — Garrison Keillor

Powdermilk biscuits: Heavens, theyre tasty and expeditious! Theyre made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done — Garrison Keillor

Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.
the people of Lake Woebegon — Garrison Keillor

Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, now it is a problem to be overcome. — Garrison Keillor

Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. — Garrison Keillor

Have interesting failures ... If you need to have a personal crisis have it now. Don't wait until midlife, when it will take longer to resolve ... Don't pity yourselves. Lighten up. Seek people with a sense of humor. Avoid humorless people-and do not marry one, for God's sake. — Garrison Keillor

Spending time in a church does not make you religious, any more than spending time in a garage makes you a car. — Garrison Keillor