Kate Humor Quotes & Sayings

Now lemme get this straight," she said in a throaty, nasal voice. "You put the lime in the cocanut and drink 'em both up
whoa, long faces. What am I interrupting? — Lauren Kate

So ... I suggest you try and get control over your more unusual nature, see if you can't coax those claws away, and I'll try very, very hard not to throw up over what's left of your shoes. How does that sound? — Kate Griffin

I can honestly say, with complete disappointment, that I have never purged in my life, because I have what I call a barfing disorder. Every time I puke, even when I'm sick with the flu or from food poisoning, I think I'm going to die. Weird, I know. No disrespect to you, Mary Kate. Rock on. — Kathy Griffin

The introduction was meant to be all important and elegant and meaningful and "This summer marks the voyage of discovery of Livia Stowe," and instead all I'm doing is writing about the plane crashing and when they find my laptop the only message I'll have left for my loved ones and the good of humanity is "Oh, noooooo, we're all going to die! It was the turkeys!" They will know that I knew about the loose bit on the wing. And didn't tell anyone. Okay, everything's smoothing out again now. The flap is still flapping, but we've made it through the flying turkeys, and the plane has stopped bumping. The flight attendants still don't seem bothered, so I think maybe I'm not going to die today. — Kate Le Vann

Cam's wings were so bright they were almost blinding as they pulsed.
"Holy Hell," Callie whispered, blinking.
"More or less," Arriane said — Lauren Kate

"Don't worry."" Arriane stood next to Luce. "This place is like a reject revolving door. People come and go all the time because of some parole issue crazy parents whatever. Randy's off tonight. No one else gives a damn. If anyone gives you a second look- just give 'em a third one. Or send them over to me."" She made a fist. — Lauren Kate

The Beast Lord walked out of the warehouse. The screen went dark.
My knight in furry armor.
Saiman opened his mouth. This is why I didn't. Personally, I think your smile is inappropriate. — Ilona Andrews

Go play your games with Jim. I'll find you both when I need you."
Arrogant asshole. "I tell you what, if you find us before those three days run out, I'll cook you a damn dinner and serve it to you naked."
"Is that a promise?"
"Yes. Go fuck yourself. — Ilona Andrews

I got dressed. You can't be Midnight Mayor in your underpants. — Kate Griffin

Life keeps changing without giving a damn about our personal feelings. — Kate Papas

Kate stood by the door with her arms crossed.
That was an anti-Curran pose. What the hell was the Beast Lord doing here?
I padded to the door.
"First, you didn't come home." Curran's voice held zero humor. "Second, I'm told that my mate is lingering in Raphael's house. There can't be any good reason for you to be here."
"Are you spying on me, Your Furriness?" Kate asked. — Ilona Andrews

He winks at me and ignores me for the rest of supper, during which he instructs Ross about current diabetic treatments, corrects Maggie's perfectly pronounced Renoir as Ren-wah, and keeps fondling Kate's breasts. Okay, not exactly, but he touches her arm or hand whenever he talks or she does, and it's so frequent it's bordering on molestation. I can't believe no one's putting a stop to this. — Erin McCahan

Why didn't they warn us at school? I'm sure if some teacher had said, "Oh and by the way, it feels like someone sandpapering your cervix," they needn't have bothered with all the AIDS warnings and morality stuff. — Kate Long

I bought a big-ass house and haven't decorated it yet," Psycho replied defensively. "Patio furniture looks good in my living room. I don't
have a lamp. The red and green Christmas lights work just fine."
"The lights blink."
"So do I. — Kate Angell

Just like old librarians, old coins are often more valuable than they appear at face value. — Kate Klise

IMBECILE!" the chef shouted. "Next time why don't you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are you understanding what I am telling you? It is part of the art form of cooking, yes? A lovely plate of food is a thing of beauty! And then you, NUMBSKULL, come along and put your fat greasy FINGERS all over my plate, and SHAKE the plate, and move my food all around the plate until it looks like pigs' vomit!"
"Chef Vlad!" I cried out in delight. — Kenneth Oppel

You guys all suck you know that?" Meagan shouted, flinging open the door of the shed.
Finn dropped his paintbrush on the leg of his jeans where it left a streak of orange before hitting the dirty floor.
"sorry?" he said.
"you!you suck!" Meagan fumed.
"we've been over this. I know I suck."
"not your art.you!you ... guys" Meagan shouted. — Kate Brian

This Henry lived in Edinburgh, making him inaccessible and giving her something to do on the weekends - 'Oh, just flying up to Scotland, Henry's taking me fishing,' which is the kind of thing she imagined people doing in Scotland - she always thought of the Queen Mother, incongruous in mackintosh and waders, standing in the middle of a shallow brown river (somewhere on the outskirts of Brigadoon, no doubt) and casting a line for trout. — Kate Atkinson

I hit him on the back of the neck. He submerged. Help. I've drowned the Beast Lord. — Ilona Andrews

It would be easier if they named jeans for celebrities so you'd know exactly what you were getting without even having to try them on. 'Mary-Kate' for itty-bitty jeans that come with a cartoonishly oversized caramel latte cup; 'Angelina Jolie' for jeans that are sold with two tiny Cambodian orphans stitched right into the back pockets; 'Katie Holmes', jeans which spell out 'help me!' in the fabric if you look very closesly; and 'Dina Lohan', self-promoting stage mom of Lindsay, for jeans that look OK from a distance, but when you get closer, are actually transparent.
For men, there could be 'David Hasselhoff' jeans, made entirely of cheese, and 'John Mayer' jeans which, when removed, become instantly bored and walk themselves to to the house of next 'it' girl in Hollywood. — Celia Rivenbark

Never trust a German to get a sauce right. Their solution to everything is just add more butter. — Kate Quinn

Help me, I can't breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room. — Ilona Andrews

You lie, in faith; for you are call'd plain Kate,
And bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the curst;
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom
Kate of Kate Hall, my super-dainty Kate,
For dainties are all Kates, and therefore, Kate,
Take this of me, Kate of my consolation;
Hearing thy mildness praised in every town,
Thy virtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded,
Yet not so deeply as to thee belongs,
Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife. — William Shakespeare

I pride myself on being able to read whole chapters into a single syllable, you know? What girl doesn't? So when Lennon said "Hi", I ran through a whole list of possibilities. Was it, "Hi, I wish you were Chloe instead of Riley so I could make up with you"? Or did he mean, "You look exactly like the girl I'm totally over, so get out of my sight"? Or was it just, "Hi, I hope you're not as down on me as your sister is and, by the way, could you be careful not to spill anything, either"? But none of those sounded right. Finally I had to admit that he might have just been trying to say hello. Call me crazy, but it could be true! — Megan Stine

What's this "
"A needle."
"What should I do with it " He'd walked right into it. Too easy.
"Please use it to pop your head. It's obscuring my view of the room. — Ilona Andrews

Men don't ask other men if they're getting home OK, they just assume that beneath the frail, weak exterior lurks a muscle-building kung fu master fearless of ever being mugged. — Kate Griffin

I poo poo the chit.'
The attendant looked stunned. 'You cannot poo-poo the chit!'
I do.' Kate said solemnly. 'I do poo-poo.'
We'll walk. — Kenneth Oppel

Gerry?' Laurel had to strain to hear thought the noise on the other end of the line. 'Gerry? Where are you?'
'London. A phone booth on Fleet Street.'
'The city still has working phone booths?'
'It would appear so. Unless this is the Tardis, in which case I'm in serious trouble. — Kate Morton

That wasn't Josh Hartnett; that kid was eighteen years old," Kate said.
I told you, they age slower out here. It's all the fresh California air," Val replied.
Yes, because that's exactly what Los Angeles is known for," Kate said dryly. "Clean air. — Julie James

I hoped he figured out what my body language said: You're less than nothing to me. — Kate Kae Myers

You want to know a secret?"
"Always."
"My real name is Dave."
"I see."
"This doesn't seem to amuse you."
"I met Jeremy the troll a few nights ago."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously. Also known as the Mighty Raaaarrggh! Although ... I can sorta see why you changed the name. 'Dave' isn't knwon for its mysterious, mystic sexiness. — Kate Griffin

Not wise, perhaps, to be rude to the Pope's favorite son, but my viper tongue still required a fool now and then on which to exercise its edges, and Juan Borgia served admirably in place of drunken innkeepers and tavern cheats. — Kate Quinn

Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap.
Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye.
"Checkmate, bitch," Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king. — Lauren Kate

Rats have a sense of humor. Rats, in fact think the world is very funny. And they are right, dear reader. They are right. — Kate DiCamillo

Well. I am not afraid. But to protect you, Katerina, I will be discreet. Plain Kate considered a cat's idea of discretion, and was frightened. — Erin Bow

What exactly constitutes an emergency in a modelling agency? Two girls fighting to death with a hair straightener? — Kate Forster

If you had a daily printout from the brain of an average twenty-four-year-old male, it would probably go like this: sex, need coffee, sex, traffic, sex, sex, what an asshole, sex, ham sandwich, sex, sex, etc — Kate White

Kate wondered who was more addicted to their high, serial killers or coffee addicts. — Victoria Schwab

Rule number 2 - don't listen to me!" Arriane laughed, "I'm certifiably insane! — Lauren Kate

Andrea stared at me. "You're not taking me seriously!"
"That's probably because you're not excited enough," Derek said. "You should clench your fists like they do in the movies, shake them, and yell, 'This is bigger than any of us! It goes all the way to the top! — Ilona Andrews

A massive beast dashed along the mountain apex.
Astamur reached for his rifle. "A demon?"
"No, not a demon." I might have preferred one . "That's my boyfriend."
Atsany and the shepherd turned to look at me. "Boyfriend?" Astamur said.
Curran saw us. He paused on a stone crag and roared. The raw declaration of strength cracked through the mountains, rolling down the cliffs like a rockslide. "Yep. Don't worry. He's harmless. — Ilona Andrews

There is nothing so debilitating to a naturally weak sense of humor as selling tickets behind a grating ... — Kate Douglas Wiggin

Boomerang arrow, Kate
It comes back to you in the end. Boomerang. Respect it. — Matt Fraction

Mmmm, Kate, the Chief of Security. Sexy. Who better to guard my body then the woman who owns it?"
"Curran, I will punch you. — Ilona Andrews

Me?" Penny's voice, surprised. "Well, I'm Penny Ngwenya, Matthew's butt-kicking, life-saving, totally awesome apprentice. Um. Hi. — Kate Griffin

I was still alive. Ha! Take that kidnappers. Still alive. Maybe it was my butt that was feeding me. I always thought it was kind of round. I bet my body was eating up all the fat stores from my butt now. Yeah. See, having a big ass is a good thing. Good, good, good. They should put that in magazines. Why diet? Why stay thin? If you ever get kidnapped and left for dead, your fat ass could save your life! — Kate Brian

Are you aware, Mr Mayor, then when casually scrying the streets of London, you stand out like a giraffe on roller skates, yes? — Kate Griffin

Blasted spam pigeons! — Kate Beaton

That was when I realised a sad but incontrovertible truth: I was a geek, and there was no getting around it. I could dress in Kate's clothes, but it didn't make me Kate. — Sharon Sant

Don't part from me in any ill humor. I never knew you to be out of patience with me before. — Kate Chopin

I looked at Judith. "This sounds strange, but I don't suppose you saw three mad women with a cauldron of boiling tea pass by this way?"
"No," she replied. The polite voice of reasonable people scared of exciting the madman.
"Flash of light? Puff of smoke? Erm ... " I tried to find a polite way of describing the symptoms of spontaneous teleportation without using the dreaded "teleportation" word. I failed. I slumped back into the sand. What kind of mystic kept a spatial vortex at the bottom of their cauldrons of tea anyway? — Kate Griffin

I loved our mutual corny sense of humor. Underneath all his macho bravado, he was a dork. Just like me. — Kate Rockland

Whoever had said in the guidebooks that the bum bag was a sensible device against theft had lied; no single item of dressware ever invented cried out "mug me" more than a pouch of zip-up plastic suspended by your groin. — Kate Griffin

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it! — Ilona Andrews

There ain't a body, be it mouse or man, that ain't made better by a little soup. — Kate DiCamillo

Kate Hudson's entire career exists because people who fall in love sometimes tell lies about where they work. — Caroline Kepnes

Who was the moron on the phone?"
"Carl Avery," Kate said. "A long-standing client and potential felon. — Jennifer Crusie

You have to humor them you know." Lucile sighed lightly as the door closed. "Men can be boring, but they are necessary. One needs to learn to work around them. Don't you think so? — Kate Alcott

Leaving?" she squeaked, bemused, as Max opened her wardrobe. "You're abducting me?"
"Eloping. Eloping involves hurried packing. Abducting involves masked men and a burlap sack. — Kate Noble

I'm a writer, not a DJ. I don't take requests. — Kate LeDonne Black

Go to the Black Sea, meet new people, see beautiful places, get killed by a mutant carnivorous kangaroo goat. One item off my bucket list. — Ilona Andrews

Seeing a patter doesn't mean you know how to put it all together. Take baby steps: don't focus on the folks whose skills are far beyond your own. When you're new to something-or you haven't tried it in a while-it can feel impossibly hard to get it right. Every misstep feels like a reason to quit. You envy everyone else who seems to know what they're doing. What keeps you going? The belief that one day you'll also be like that: Elegant. Capable. Confident. Experienced. And you can be. All you need now is enthusiasm. A little bravery. And-always-a sense of humor. — Kate Jacobs

She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing. — Kate Atkinson

I'm assuming you didn't just call me to come out of the closet to a blind woman'

'Oh, it's something I do everyday,' Kate said, enjoying Faith's sense of humor. 'I open up a phone book, randomly select a name, dial it, and when they answer, I proclaim I'm a lesbian and then hang up. — Laurie Salzler

Moments later as we crossed the road to the 50's diner, I recited the restaurant rules in my head one more time.

Rule one: Keep your hands clean.
Rule two: Careful with the food trays.
Rule three: Visit the soda fountain as often as you like, but don't make yourself sick.
Rule four: Enjoy the poodle skirt. — Kate Willis

Lottie did everything the old fashioned way, including the bookkeeping, which was fine with me since I knew nothing about accounting software anyway. To me, spreadsheets was what I did on Saturday mornings after washing my bed linen. — Kate Collins

Cat piss and porcupines! — Kate Hattemer

You know that Kate called Walter a heartless bastard?"
"And an asshole. I am quite proud. — Aimee Carter

I don't need someone with a hot body. He can be fat or overweight and have a belly. It's very much about style and substance and humor, interest, curiosity and really being smart. — Kate Walsh

Good night. Don't let the boogeyman bite"

"Mindy, there is no boogeyman, "I said as I snuggled in to bed, " I hauled Carl in years ago. — Kate Danley

I can't help it, Kate. And I'm laughing at me. I feel like one of those sappy men who run around with a big grin on his face all the time. I feel like grinning all the time around you, and it's so idiotic. — Christine Feehan

I've never really learned how to do this. When we hunted, we had people to take care of what we caught."

"I thought you hunted with birds."

"We did."

"So the birds caught the animals, other people cleaned them... When you say 'hunting,' do you really mean 'going for a walk'? — Kate Sherwood

People are here because they've got baggage. I'm talking curbside-check-in, pay-the-fine-'cause-it's-over-fifty-pounds kind of baggage. Get it? — Lauren Kate

She had on a spangled top that sparkled like fish scales. Her hair was very yellow. She looked like a mermaid in a bad mood.
(p. 82 RAYMIE NIGHTINGALE) — Kate DiCamillo

Ell?" Kate asked. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I thought I saw a spider." I shook my fist at Will and scowled. "A big, really ugly one. Sorry. — Courtney Allison Moulton

Because that's what it would catch in the wild, a boar, right? I can't wait to see a pack of bunnycats take down a wild hog with those short tiny legs. Wouldn't the boar be surprised?"
Everybody was a comedian.
"May be if I oink loud enough, it'll leap across the beam and try to devour me. — Ilona Andrews

Kate& Derek
"No, Kate, you don't understand. He vanished. He was there one moment and then he was gone."
I couldn't resist. "Like a ninja. In a puff of smoke. — Ilona Andrews

Lesbian humor isn't trying to sell anything, it doesn't have to sell out. Coming out as a lesbian onstage is still a very political act; if it weren't, more women would do it. — Kate Clinton

Therefore was I created with a stubborn outside, with an aspect of iron, that when I come to woo ladies, I fright them. But, in faith, Kate, the elder I wax, the better I shall appear. My comfort is that old age, that ill layer-up of beauty, can do no more spoil upon my face. Thou hast me, if thou hast me, at the worst, and thou shalt wear me, if thou wear me, better and better. — William Shakespeare

Disney will never make a movie about my life story, and that's a shame
I'd make a really cute animated creature. — Kate Bornstein

We can get you a throne with snakes. I'll stand next to you and roar at anybody who fails to grovel. Fear Kate Daniels. She is a mighty and terrible ruler. Grendel can anoint the petitioners with his vomit. It'll be great ... — Ilona Andrews

Allow me to congratulate you on your very astute powers of observation. — Kate DiCamillo

Let me get you all some punch," I said.
"You're leaving us?" said Isabel, sounding panicky.
"I'll be right back," I promised. "If anyone comes near you, just scream and run. — Kenneth Oppel

I leaned forward slightly and pulled the lower lid of my left eye down.
"What the f**k?" the stocky, muscular woman behind Tremblay murmured. Not a melee fighter. She stood flat on her feet, planted like a tree, and carried no weapons.
"She's asking you if you can see the care in her eye." Saiman said helpfully. — Ilona Andrews

It's hard not to immediately fall in love witha dog who has a good sense of humor. — Kate DiCamillo

The exorcist had a slightly Australian tinge to his voice, and the laid-back, whatever-comes-next attitude of a man who had suddenly realised two degrees short of a sunstroke that exorcism was the perfect career choice he'd never been offered in school. — Kate Griffin

Dellwyn: I will teach you everything you need to know to entice your father's murderer into killing his wife to be with you."
Aya: It sounds so disturbing when you say it like that. — Kate M. Colby

Across the room, she heard a loud clatter. She looked up to see that Roland ahd fallen out of his chair. The last time she'd glanced at him, he'd been leaning back on tw legs, and now it looked like gravity had finally won.
As he stumbled to his feet, Arriane went to help him. She glanced over and offered a hurried wave. "He's okay!" she called cheerily. "Get up!" she whispered loudly to Roland. — Lauren Kate

I feel like a von Trapp," Ruby said between puffs, "But fatter, older and with absolutely no energy for singing. — Kate Morton

Tension fled from me. Tomorrow I would worry about Hugh d'Ambray and Andrea and
Roland, but now I was simply happy. Aaahh. Home. My place, my smells, my familiar rug under my feet, my kitchen, my Curran in the kitchen chair ... Wait a damn minute.
You! — Ilona Andrews

Individuality: ten. Cautiousness: three. Combativeness: nine." She looked over and gave me a wink. "Well, what did you expect from a pirate's daughter? Hope: eight. Amativeness. What's that?"
Kate acutally blushed. "I think it has something to do with your attractiveness to the opposite sex."
"Ten," said Nadira, smiling modestly.
(Skybreaker by Kenneth Oppel) — Kenneth Oppel

It shows damn near everything. I's been hiding my breasts for so long, I half forgot I had 'em. — Erin Bowman

Luce blushed. "Then what kind of angel are you?"
"I'm sort of in between gigs right now," Daniel said. — Lauren Kate

I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat.
He lay still. "I give up," he said and smiled. "Your move."
Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move? — Ilona Andrews

At eleven, Kate woke Jake up when she went searching in the cooler for juice.
"You know, you used to be peaceful," he grumbled.
"I can't believe you were ever married." Kate said, as she cracked the can open. "What did you do, make her stand in the corner all the time? — Jennifer Crusie

On verge of going apostrophic, taking foxglove, myrrh, mare's milk cure, shedding articles, shredding conjunctions, but can't shake prepositions. — Kate Campbell

Please drop a note to the clerk of the weather, and have a good, rousing snow-storm
say on the twenty-second. None of your meek, gentle, nonsensical, shilly-shallying snow-storms; not the sort where the flakes float lazily down from the sky as if they didn't care whether they ever got here or not, and then melt away as soon as they touch the earth, but a regular business-like whizzing, whirring, blurring, cutting snow-storm, warranted to freeze and stay on! — Kate Douglas Wiggin

She had wailed loudly enough to wake the dead and make them call the cops. — Ilona Andrews

She swept away, putting an extra kink into her walk. I would not have thought that a woman with an ass that bony could make it wiggle so much but she proved me wrong. — Ilona Andrews

I don't want to part in any ill-humor. But can't you understand? I've grown used to seeing you, to having you with me all the time, and your action seems unfriendly, even unkind. You don't even offer an excuse for it. Why, I was planning to be together. — Kate Chopin