Kadrey Quotes & Sayings

I don't want to run for anything. I want to shove this miserable cheap-ass check so far up Wells's ass he can read the routing number out the back of his eyes. — Richard Kadrey

If I learned anything Downtown, it's this: the only real difference between an enemy and a friend is the day of the week. — Richard Kadrey

How do you explain to someone that you understand their fear, then convince them that it's going to be all right? In my experience, the more you talk about what scares them, the worse it gets. There's not much to do but ride out the fear with them and try to keep them away from liquor and razor blades. — Richard Kadrey

You're a philosopher." "No. Just drunk. — Richard Kadrey

Death smiles at us all and all a man can do is smile back. — Richard Kadrey

Fuck you, angel. Fuck you and all God's little prison bitches. He slips you some cigarettes and a con job smile and you run off to do his dirty work for him. Go and scare some sinners. No one's listening to you here. — Richard Kadrey

When you jump off a cliff, is it better to land on jagged rocks or burning lava? I know this one. The answer is obvious: It doesn't matter where you land. You just jumped off a cliff. — Richard Kadrey

It's more than coping. It's adaptation. — Richard Kadrey

There won't be any more Lucifers," he says. "And no more Hell. At least not in its present form." "I'm not getting you." "We talked once . . . well, you harangued and I politely listened, about opening the gates of Hell. Dismantling it in a sense. Opening Heaven to whoever among the fallen can make their way there and who choose to stay. Hell will remain as it is. With a few repairs to make it more hospitable. Any angel or soul that chooses to remain here can do so. — Richard Kadrey

When you're facing down multiple attackers, you always want to make the first move. It lets them know that you're ready to fight and that you're crazy enough to get the party started. One rule of thumb in fighting is that crazy can often overcome skill and numbers, because, while a trained fighter might actually enjoy going up against another trained fighter, no one really wants to wrestle with crazy. Crazy doesn't know when it's winning. And crazy doesn't know when to stop. If you can't pull off crazy, if, for instance, you're handcuffed in a small van with six armed assailants, stupid is a decent substitute for crazy. — Richard Kadrey

Memories are bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces. — Richard Kadrey

Fuck me. I'm a rock star. And all I really wanted was a burrito. — Richard Kadrey

Oh Christ. Put me back with the zombies, Strawberry Shortcake. [p. 411] — Richard Kadrey

The dead think they can get away with anything because you'll feel sorry for them. If you play cards with the dead, make sure you deal and don't let them buy you drinks. They'll slip you a formaldehyde roofie and pry the gold fillings out of your teeth. — Richard Kadrey

You don't have to be afraid of me. Eugene likes you. Doc likes you. That means I like you. We're all family now. All the funny little people who live in the cracks of the world. — Richard Kadrey

If Jesus, Jesse James, and a herd of pink robot unicorns strolled in walking on water, this bunch wouldn't even look up. — Richard Kadrey

That's what Glocks are. High-precision killing machines that scream Daddy Issues. — Richard Kadrey

Stay where you are." It's a raspy male voice. A whiskey voice or just someone who took a hit to the throat hard enough that it never healed right. There are six other guys behind him. All are armed with homemade blades, morning stars, and slings. "Who — Richard Kadrey

The room is a wreck. It looks like it was worked over by Linda Blair on a crack binge. — Richard Kadrey

Besides Getting my ass kicked, my main accomplishment on this trip has been to massacre an incredible number of completely innocent clothes. I'm the Joseph Stalin of laundry. — Richard Kadrey

I seldom feel trapped by my world. Setting up rules and restrictions is part of the process. It gives your world shape. I always look at these things like haiku: you have to work within certain parameters, but within them, you're completely free. — Richard Kadrey

You can take the boy out of the Devil but not the Devil out of the boy — Richard Kadrey

Abandon all hope ye who piss me off. — Richard Kadrey

She's plenty pissed at me. Not as pissed as Rinko but pissed. I can't blame her. I promised her three days and gave her a hundred. This is going to take a time to pass. If it ever does, now that she's moved on to someone else. Still, she went to the hotel with me last night. Was that a welcome home or a good-bye fuck? I guess I'll find out. I'm so fucking good at being patient. I — Richard Kadrey

The angel in my head talks to me. He's a little Sherlock Holmes, which, I guess makes me Dr. Watson. I'm not wild about that. Better that he's Starsky and I'm Hutch. At least I get a cool car that way. — Richard Kadrey

When the world began, there were no such things as monsters. Demons were just fallen angels who, booted out of Heaven and bored with Hell, wandered the Earth sticking little girls' pigtails in inkwells and sinking the occasional continent. — Richard Kadrey

Thank God for whiskey or the world would be so full of secrets the weight would spin us into the sun. — Richard Kadrey

This might be the end of the world as we know it, but it's still show biz. — Richard Kadrey

I tap a Malediction out of the box, fire it up, and puff. It tastes like a tire fire in a candy factory next door to a strip club. The best cigarettes ever. — Richard Kadrey

Besides, do you think you would have come if I'd just popped into your tattoo shop one night around closing and
said, 'Hello, I'm the Prince of Darkness. Think you could help me out
with a little war next Tuesday, say, sixish? — Richard Kadrey

If Donald Trump and the Wicked Witch of the West had a kid, it would be Jayne-Anne. She looks like a librarian with some money and good taste in clothes but underneath the Verace, she's Godzilla with tits. — Richard Kadrey

Vidocq and Allegra are holding hands on the small bed. I don't need to listen to their hearts or breathing. They're radiating tension like a microwave oven. Kasabian has gone back to his computer, trying to ignore all of this. Traven looks a little lost. Candy's not much better. I — Richard Kadrey

Love a man who'll bleed to make a point. (Candy) — Richard Kadrey

When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not. — Richard Kadrey

I'll give you another example. The snake in the Garden of Eden?"
"Yeah?"
"It was just a snake. Humanity's first real decision was to defy God. So was mine. That's the reason I make you uncomfortable. We're so much alike. — Richard Kadrey

And that makes a difference?" said Coop. "Let me put it this way," said Phil. "Were you fucked ten minutes ago?" "No." "Are you fucked now?" "Yes." "Then I guess it makes a difference." Coop — Richard Kadrey

We must always look after our friends, even when they are foolish. Especially when they are foolish. — Richard Kadrey

I say, "How did the Vigil get my prints?" "Have you ever touched anything?" "Here?" "Anywhere." "I see your point. — Richard Kadrey

Don't fuck with me, ball sac, — Richard Kadrey

There's another half that thinks you're just crazy." "Finally. My people." She — Richard Kadrey

Hell didn't make me a monster. It just confirmed all my worst fears about myself. — Richard Kadrey

That sounds like the sin of pride, Marshal. Better run downstairs and let Miss December flog it out of you. Webcam it and charge by the minute. You won't ever have to take government money again. — Richard Kadrey

Vices shouldn't be safe. They're what remind us we're alive and mortal. — Richard Kadrey

Playing with the Barbie-size keyboard on my new phone. Phones are like toys now. They fit in your pocket, light up and vibrate like joy buzzers. Plus, you can get-I mean, "access"-the Internet and find anything you want. Music. Maps. Porn. Anything. If cell phones came with a cigarette dispenser, they'd be the greatest stupid invention ever. — Richard Kadrey

Let me make sure I have this straight. The cavalry just now rode into town and it's a Czech Gypsy porn-star zombie killer. Have I got that right? — Richard Kadrey

I'm not a huge fan of other people's logic. — Richard Kadrey

The building has shielded generators. The power will be back on in the next three minutes. We need to move. Through — Richard Kadrey

No hospitals, she says.
I know.
Where are we going?
For ice cream. What's your favorite flavor?
Fuck you.
That's my favorite, too. — Richard Kadrey

If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room. — Richard Kadrey

Hands over your head," one of the cops calls. I yell back. "I'm with the Marshal Service. The Golden Vigil." "Hands over your head." I can tell this guy isn't going to take my word for anything, including that I'm a biped from planet Earth. I put my hands up like the nice man said. The pain in my chest heats up again when I get my hands over my head. — Richard Kadrey

There are two Venices I know about and one of them is a hotel in Vegas. The other is an L.A. beach where pretty girls walk their dogs while wearing as little as possible and mutant slabs of tanned, posthuman beef sip iced steroid lattes and pump iron until their pecs are the size of Volkswagens. — Richard Kadrey

Don't talk. Kill it.
That might be the sweetest thing a woman's ever said to me on a first date. — Richard Kadrey

The universe is a meat grinder and we're just pork in designer shoes, keeping busy so we can pretend we're not all headed for the sausage factory. Maybe I've been hallucinating this whole time and there is no Heaven and Hell. Instead of having to choose between God and the devil, maybe our only real choice comes down to link or patty? — Richard Kadrey

Most people are idiots. There's nothing worse than idiots who tell you their opinions. — Richard Kadrey

Chasing a burning girl down a city street is a lot harder than it sounds. Civilians tend to stop and stare and this turns them into human bowling pins. Slow whiny bowling pins. — Richard Kadrey

Maybe that's why Heaven is silent and God doesn't speak to man anymore. Heavenly intervention would blow the point spread. — Richard Kadrey

No need to kill everyone. They know not to let their Chihuahuas piss on my lawn. — Richard Kadrey

Sola goes back and disappears into the middle of the Vigil crew. Lots of grins and quiet chuckles back there. Law enforcement. It's like high school with better guns. — Richard Kadrey

She will replace us all soon. And you, you'll be back to yourself, as scarred and lined as Lucifer's scrotum." What can you say to that? I hold up my glass. "To the devil's balls." Allegra — Richard Kadrey

Down here in the pain, I don't have to know. I just note the question and move on. Answers are rare and come in their own time but hangovers are reliable and never in short supply. — Richard Kadrey

Did I hurt your feelings again? Sorry. When this is all over I'll send some flowers to your inner child. — Richard Kadrey

Twenty percent? What am I, your waiter? I got you five vampires, not a BLT. — Richard Kadrey

Young man, there are some things in the world so profane that their only real value is in not knowing about them. — Richard Kadrey

Getting tossed in a meat grinder every now and then is part of what I do. I came back to earth to kill things, so I have to expect things to fight back occasionally. — Richard Kadrey

Those pricks down the hall, flying high above it all on this hillside, they're the kind of people whose faces end up on money or a new library so that kids will have a new place to hang out while realizing that no one ever taught them how to read. Their wealth doesn't insulate them from the world. It creates it. Their bank statements read like Genesis. Let there be light and let a thousand investment banks bloom. They shit cancer, and when they belch in a bowl valley like L.A., the air turns so thick and poisonous that you can cut it up like bread and serve it for lunch at McDonald's. A Suicide Sandwich Happy Meal. — Richard Kadrey

See? Even dead she makes me a better whatever-the-hell it is I am. A less stupid person. A more considerate monster. — Richard Kadrey

Thank you for that succinct description, but I prefer to go in with facts," says Julie. "Stark — Richard Kadrey

*For eleven years, I've been worked over and abused in ways you can't imagine by things you don't want to know about. I've killed every kind of vile, black-souled, dead-eyed nightmare that ever made you piss your pjs and cry for mommy in the middle of the night. I kill monsters and, if I wanted, I could say a word and burn you to powder from the inside out. I can tear any human you ever met to rages with my bare hands. Give me one good reason why I could possibly need you?
*She looks straight at me, not blinking. No fear in her eyes.
*Because you might be the Tasmanian Devil and the Angel of Death all rolled into one, but you don't even know how to get a phone.
*I hate to admit it, but she has a point. — Richard Kadrey

Nothing moves. Nothing makes a sound. It's as quiet as a pulled-pork-rib joint next to a synagogue. I — Richard Kadrey

But she's not going to call the cops or stab me in my sleep, and what more can you ask of a pretty girl? — Richard Kadrey

You're God?" he says. "A piece of the pie, yes. You look disappointed. Turn that around, multiply it by a million, and you'll know how I feel about you people. — Richard Kadrey

If you're in the exorcism business, you must know a lot about demons." "Qliphoth," he says. "What?" "It's the proper word for what you call a demon. A demon is a bogeyman, an irrational entity representing fear in the collective unconscious. The Qliphoth are the castoffs of a greater entity. The old gods. They're dumb and their lack of intelligence makes them pure evil." "Okay, Daniel Webster. What happened at the exorcism?" Traven takes a breath and stares at his hands for a minute. "You should know that I don't follow the Church's standard exorcism rites. For instance, I seldom speak Latin. If Qliphoth really are lost fragments of the Angra Om Ya, the older dark gods, they're part of creatures millions of years old. Why would Latin have any effect on them? — Richard Kadrey

He pulls the tape off Allegra's mouth. Grabs her BY THE HAIR and gives her a peck on the lips. — Richard Kadrey

I guarantee you I'm not going to forget your voice. We're going to run into each other down the road sometime, and when we do I'm going to pop you apart one rivet at a time."
"There's the monster. Hello, monster. — Richard Kadrey

He wore his fear on his skin for everyone to see. — Richard Kadrey

If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says. — Richard Kadrey

A man of many thoughts but few words. Lucky for us all that it's not the other way around. Vidocq — Richard Kadrey

All these scars. The road map of my life. My armor. — Richard Kadrey

You're quite the humanitarian. By the way, thanks a fuck of a lot for leaving me off your who-to-save list.
You're on it, Alfredo Garcia. I just didn't want to say it out loud and have you call me Nancy or Tinker Bell.
Yeah, I would have done that. — Richard Kadrey

Maybe I need to shake their faith a little." Sola puts the spoon back into the yogurt. "How?" "A good, long nose pick might be a good start. Really dig for the mother lode." Vidocq laughs a little. "Wait until I have gone home before you implement that strategy, please." I look at Sola. "How come you're not all dazzled by my Heavenly awesomeness? — Richard Kadrey

It seemed to be going well. You see, a Qliphoth can only possess an imperfect and impure body, one that's sinned. Of course, that describes all humans except maybe for the saints. When I eat a possessed person's sins, their body returns to a pure and holy state. With nowhere left to hide, the Qliphoth is ejected like someone spitting out a watermelon seed. — Richard Kadrey

When it's true love you know why you're getting stabbed. — Richard Kadrey

Johnny nods and grins, but doesn't talk. He's overwhelmed by Muninn's gewgaws. I've — Richard Kadrey

I got dragged to Hell by demons from the dawn of time. While I was down there, I killed monsters and became a hit man for the devil's friends. How have you been?" The guy's smile curdles. He takes a step back. "Don't let me catch you hanging around the halls anymore, okay? I'll have to call the manager." "No problem, Brenda. You have an extra cigarette?" "My name's Phil." "You have an extra cigarette, Chet?" He walks away and gets a good twenty feet before he mumbles "Fuck you," sure I can't hear him. — Richard Kadrey

Kids need their minds blown every now and then. It'll keep them from thinking that managing a McDonald's is the most they can hope for. — Richard Kadrey

I'm steel-toed boots in a ballet-slipper world. — Richard Kadrey

If Jesus was a bartender, He would still only be half as cool as Carlos. — Richard Kadrey

All losers are romantics. It's what keeps us from blowing our brains out. — Richard Kadrey

To the dead. Let's think of them always, but not join them too soon. — Richard Kadrey

Sometimes just seeing a woman smile is like a knife in the heart. It hurts and it rattles your whole system, but against all your instincts you swallow the pain and keep looking. After a while you realize it doesn't hurt as much as you thought it would. — Richard Kadrey

You were a prick and a crook, but no one deserves to go out the way you went. I hope it was over quick and that you tasted like ass all the way down. Amen. — Richard Kadrey

Revenge is never what you think it's going to be. There's no pleasure and glory, and when it's done your grief remains. Once a man does the things you're talking about, he will never be the same, and he can never go back to who he was before. Worst of all, no matter how many enemies you kill, you are never satisfied. There is always one more who deserves it. When it becomes too easy to kill, it never ends. — Richard Kadrey

Maybe she'll be one of the lucky ones who gets to see it from a distance and makes it home in one piece. Maybe I'll be ripping out her spine tomorrow. I hope she makes it home first. It would suck to be killed and reanimated while wearing corporate antennae. Though, it wouldn't be as bad as reanimating dressed like a crab or a taco because you were pimping a new restaurant when you died. There's a difference between a bad death and the universe stopping by to take a great big shit on you. I — Richard Kadrey

Then why don't you know about the dead men who wandered into Bamboo House of Dolls for human sushi?" "Never. I'd have heard and we'd be on alert." "I guess omnipotence isn't what it used to be. But I can fix that for you. I've already killed three Drifters. Give me a contract and I'll get the rest. There's probably a lot of them, so I ought to get time and a half on this one." Wells scowls. He looks around like he's expecting someone. "If — Richard Kadrey

Fortunately, I'm good at ignoring a lot of what my brain does. — Richard Kadrey

I've come a long way to get nowhere at all, I thought. And I've spent everything I have to get here. — Richard Kadrey

Did you send candy and flowers on Valentine's Day, Wells? It's okay, you know. He was a saint. — Richard Kadrey

Is there something else you have to say? Something you're not telling me?" "Yes. Up your game, Stark. These might be the End Times. I don't want you half-assing your way through them." It's a good party-line statement, but it's not what he's thinking about. There's something else. — Richard Kadrey

My head is full of monsters and I'm one of them. — Richard Kadrey

As sweet as it feels, I can't lie here forever curled up in a big ball of fuck-the-world. — Richard Kadrey