Jarod Kintz Love Quotes & Sayings

It's supposed to be raining Thank Yous on Thursday, after an ingratitude draught. Also, you'd better enjoy my love while it's fresh, before it goes rotten and I have to sell it to McDonald's as chicken filler. — Jarod Kintz

Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad, he is my son, and we love to love people who are lovable. — Jarod Kintz

3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That's why men rarely say it, because there is only one in the world for the whole gender to share and take turns using. — Jarod Kintz

If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I'm going there next week, because I've got to look everywhere when searching for the love of my life. — Jarod Kintz

Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink. — Jarod Kintz

Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected. — Jarod Kintz

I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That's one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys. — Jarod Kintz

Love rules the world. Like a tyrant. — Jarod Kintz

I'm on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I'm driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour. Oh, if only love were so easy to calculate. — Jarod Kintz

If you asked me if I'd rather make love to you, or have my balls cut out with the spine of a fish, I'll tell you I'll have to get back to you. And after a day of deliberating, I'll probably tell you the fish, provided it's salmon and I can eat it first. — Jarod Kintz

I carry my love over, and I carry over the two when we multiply. — Jarod Kintz

I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive. — Jarod Kintz

I'm too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn't be productive, I'd be reproductive. — Jarod Kintz

Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It's tough because they're slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen. — Jarod Kintz

The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn't hate, it's ignoringance. — Jarod Kintz

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me. — Jarod Kintz

If love were a color, it'd be orange. Not because that's a romantic color, but because it's the sweetest. If you want to know how I feel about you, I just made some juice out of it. Grab a glass - a tall one. — Jarod Kintz

Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn't see eye to eye. We argued about the nature of love, and I hated it, so in the name of love I had to stab him. — Jarod Kintz

If trees had love, instead of leaves, I'd gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you. — Jarod Kintz

I feel like I'm late for love. I'll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock. — Jarod Kintz

I'm great at making love, at least for the first 20 bucks, and for about 30 minutes after that I just sort of lay there, trying to stretch out my investment. — Jarod Kintz

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably. — Jarod Kintz

When your heart starts to feel full again. I love FREE refills, and if a restaurant tries to double charge me, I refuse to write a love poem on their Yelp page.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz — Karen Quan

I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level. — Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else's nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do. — Jarod Kintz

If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun and a pointy mustache, I still couldn't hit you with a bowling ball. But what are you doing? You should be running toward love, not away from it. — Jarod Kintz

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I'm a person like those people. — Jarod Kintz

And I will wait for Jarod to work for me. For free, cause if it's paid, it's work and not love, unless, of course he loves to work, in which case he'll surely love working for me, because I love people who love to do that to love to do that. — Will Advise

I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that's OK, because I like ice water. — Jarod Kintz

My love disappeared, along with the evidence of her dead body. — Jarod Kintz

I am the love machine of desire. I'm easy to operate. Just pull on my lever. — Jarod Kintz

Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that hurts. And it feels good. — Jarod Kintz

I make my own cologne. It's called "Sweat," and it's hard work making it. But I can tell people love it, because they're so envious and jealous when I wear it that they avoid me altogether. — Jarod Kintz

To show you how much I love you, I'd take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio. — Jarod Kintz

To be angry is easy, but to forgive is hard. That's why to love is easy, and to love is hard. I try to be so hard that I'm soft, like a liquid rock, fluid and forgiving, but unmovable in my resolve. — Jarod Kintz

As a fiction writer, let me make it up, and let me make it up to you. I'll pen our love story, if you'll be my co-author. — Jarod Kintz

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says? — Jarod Kintz

I don't know what's in the box, but I love it. Unopened gifts contain hope. — Jarod Kintz

My love is as loud as it can be while still being silent. Would you describe our relationship as Helen Kelleresque — Jarod Kintz

I am the chef of love. Let me utilize your oven. — Jarod Kintz

Love is, just like isn't isn't is. — Jarod Kintz

I'm like a ventriloquist chasing his own voice. I can whisper and shout at the same time, and this is the closest approximation I have to a description of love. I would offer you something to drink, but I'm not in the kitchen, even though it may sound like I am. — Jarod Kintz

He met her because I didn't show up that day and he went in my place. If they get married, I should be the best man. I am Invisible Cupid, so where's my monument to love? — Jarod Kintz

I'd rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It's homemade. — Jarod Kintz

If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can't kill on sight alone. It's the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which, they are two sides to the same sandwich. — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it'll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You'd better get walking, because me and my camel won't be stopping until we have to pee. — Jarod Kintz

Make love like you just stole it. — Jarod Kintz

She was dressed as a nearly invisible shower, wearing only a raincoat, and I sold her an umbrella that would shield her from heavenly I love yous. — Jarod Kintz

Lead is to lead as follow is to follow. And lead is to lead as a type of metal is to a type of metal. Which brings me to my point: To love is to lead with your heart, while allowing your ego to sink like lead. — Jarod Kintz

Human hands are great for waving hello, waving goodbye, and for making love alone in front of a cheering audience of paying spectators. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn't always better. Don't you want to make love better? — Jarod Kintz

The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery. — Jarod Kintz

I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I'll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure. — Jarod Kintz

If my love were a bagel, I'd put cream cheese on it. But it's not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample? — Jarod Kintz

Love is communicating. I'm sorry, mime, but I only lust you. — Jarod Kintz

I cling to our love like saran wrap on leftovers. If you want to know when dinner will be ready, the answer is last night. We could make love, or we could simply reheat what we already had. — Jarod Kintz

I'd rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that's just the romantic me. — Jarod Kintz

The book "Little Women," what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets. — Jarod Kintz

If love were orange, like an apple, there'd be nothing to compare it to. — Jarod Kintz

The only thing that can tame and temper love is love. Also syphilis. — Jarod Kintz

My heart is burning a hole in my chest and every time you speak to me, it keeps sinking, and I'm left with nothing but ashes. I wish she were talking to me, because the more she speaks to me, the more my heart flutters like a rising phoenix.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz — Karen Quan

I give you my love, and all I ask in return is room and board that includes three square meals a day. — Jarod Kintz

My apartment complex isn't. No, it's simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart. — Jarod Kintz

I'll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I'll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one. — Jarod Kintz

I have no auditory depth perception. She said, "I love you," and I couldn't even tell if she was 300 miles away, or 6 feet below my feet and 300 years away. — Jarod Kintz

Love is like looking over a cliff. You didn't fall. I pushed you. — Jarod Kintz

If you're going to do something dumb, do it in a smart way. This is my advice for falling in love. — Jarod Kintz

It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That's when we met, and that's when I knew it was love, two years before. — Jarod Kintz

If love had a pulse, like a heartbeat, would you find yourself oscillating like an isosceles triangle at the righteousness of a right-angled one? — Jarod Kintz

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you. — Jarod Kintz