Jail Funny Quotes & Sayings

If you were just a regular person, you turned on the TV, and you saw Eric Cantor talking, I would say - and I'm fine with gay people, that's all right - but my gaydar is 60-70 percent. But he's not, I think, so I don't know. Again, I couldn't care less. I'm accepting. — Brian Schweitzer

It's funny, ma'am, how sometimes you're so sarcastic but it doesn't sting."
"Because of my dimples. Dimples are a get-out-of-jail-free card — Dean Koontz

I was having that dream again, the good one where we're all in heaven and never heard of Treegap. — Natalie Babbitt

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail" — Jim Gaffigan

Sometimes the most intelligent thing is not to do anything, certainly nothing loaded with the imbecility of emotionality. — William, Saroyan

It was a survival thing: he didn't answer back, didn't say anything about job security for prison guards, debate the nature of repentance, rehabilitation, or rates of recidivism. He didn't say anything funny or clever, and, to be on the safe side, when he was talking to a prison official, whenever possible, he didn't say anything at all. Speak when you're spoken to. Do your own time. Get out. Go home ... Rebuild a life. — Neil Gaiman

It's so much fun for me to sit next to you here. — Josh Mathews

The three decisions that control your destiny are: 1. Your decisions about what to focus on. 2. Your decisions about what things mean to you. 3. Your decisions about what to do to create the results you desire. — Anthony Robbins

Rachel, my itchy witch," Al said as he tugged the lace at his cuffs. "We've talked about this. You simply must stop collecting nasty little men. How many do you really need, love? — Kim Harrison

Seth turns to Laney and I. "Three months ago, I'm in Detroit protesting a free trade conference, right? Some pig shoves me, I go flying into another, next thing I know I'm on the ground with a Taser in my back. I get thrown in city jail, no money and one phone call. So I call Jake. You know what this fucker did? He dropped everything, drove up and bailed me out, no questions."
"Like I could just leave you," Jake says. "You're too pretty. You're a delicate flower. They would've ripped you apart in there. — Hannah Harrington

There are three types of chemotherapy that work for cancer. Testicular, like Lance Armstrong. Childhood leukemia, they're doing great things. And lymphoma and non-Hodgkin's. — Suzanne Somers

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!" — Henny Youngman

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile. — Adam Sandler

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail! — Chris Rock

There was a great joke that was forever doing the rounds in the jail and it was probably funny not because it had a humorous punchline but because it was so very true at a deep psychological level. Put anyone in that jail and soon enough they'd actually become a cruel, twisted, sadistic and heartless thug. And some of the prisoners were just as bad. — H.M. Forester

Your hope doesn't come from within-not in the sense of self, anyway. It comes from God alone. If not, then it will crumble and blow as dust to the wind. You have only to fix your sights on Jesus. — Tracie Peterson

Why are the super-rich for socialism? Don't they have the most to lose? I take a look at my bank account and compare it with Nelson Rockefeller's and it seems funny that I'm against socialism and he's out promoting it. Or is it funny? In reality, there is a vast difference between what the promoters define as socialism and what it is in actual practice. The idea that socialism is a share-the-wealth program is strictly a confidence game to get the people to surrender their freedom to an all-powerful collectivist government. While the Insiders tell us we are building a paradise on earth, we are actually constructing a jail for ourselves. — Gary Allen

I think that it's so powerful for me to go see someone like Bridget Everett at Joe's Pub and watch her weave her songs in and out of these funny, tragic stories - you can talk and sing and it's not this horrible offense, you're going to get thrown in artistic jail. — Kathleen Hanna

I went to UC Berkeley for college, and it was during the period when the whole punk movement was happening. — Susanna Hoffs

We live our lives afraid of change and if we were to just embrace it instead, it wouldn't seem like such a big deal when it hits us. — Nicole Williams

Hitler spoke at length about the impact of his own personal Catholic faith on his political activism, noting that it was his religious convictions in particular that compelled him to be a ruthless anti-Semite. — Derek Hastings

Jail's are a spooky place," remarked Bill, trying to match the pace of detective Adam.

"Oh that is nothing in front of the ultimate fear" replied detective Adam.

"Ultimate fear?"

"Funny thing that, the ultimate fear is also the ultimate relief."

"Which is?"

"Death — Rao Umar Javed

And of course,Addie."
What did he mean by that-"of course, Addie?" Did he mean "Of course you remember this airheaded chick who attacked the mayor with cardboard and had to be bailed out of jail?" That's not what really happened,but how was I supposed to know what he remembered of the incident? — Tristi Pinkston

Make-up is an extension of your clothes. — Naomie Harris

I whispered across the bars to Jackaby as I rose, "Shall I tell them the truth?"
"Have you killed anyone?" he asked, quietly.
"No, of course not!"
"Then I can't imagine why you shouldn't. — William Ritter

History is sensitive dependent on initial conditions. You cannot predict the future. — Maureen F. McHugh

There's over 2000 donkeys in this tournament and I had to be at the table with none of them. — Mike Matusow

Caught' is a funny word," said Serge. "Most criminals catch themselves, like getting stuck at three A.M. in an air duct over a car-stereo store, and the people opening up in the morning hear crying and screaming from the ceiling, and the fire department has to get him out with spatulas and butter. If your arrest involves a lot of butter, or, even more embarrassing, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, then you actually need to go to jail, if for nothing else just some hang time to inner-reflect. — Tim Dorsey

I spent nine days in the Downtown Los Angeles City Jail. The judge gave me a suspended sentence and I went to work that night - wailed just like nothing happened. What strucked me funny though - I laughed real loud when several movie stars came up to the bandstand while we played a dance set and told me, when they heard about me getting caught with marijuana, they thought marijuana was a chick. Woo boy - that really fractured me! — Louis Armstrong