Jackass Quotes & Sayings

The title of the class was listed in fresh dark ink: Introduction to Not Being a Stupid Jackass. — Patrick Rothfuss

I'm glad I found you."
"Gee, that makes exactly one of us," I muttered, not bothering to look at him. "Say, don't you have a wife to go bone?"
"You knew I was married all along, Topher." He sounded weary, as though I was being bothersome. Jackass. — Amelia C. Gormley

I think - I think it's a big deal. Bigger for him and Eve than for most people.' Shane kept his eyes down, fixed on the sidewalk and the steps they were taking. 'Look, ask him, okay? This is girl talk. I don't do girl talk.'
She punched him in the shoulder. 'Ass.'
'That's better. I was starting to feel like we should go shoe shopping or something.'
'Being a girl is not a bad thing!'
'No.' He took his hand out of his pocket and put his arm around her shoulders, hugging her close. 'If I could be half the girl you are, I'd be - wow, I have no idea where I was going with that, and it just turned out uncomfortable, all of a sudden.'
'Jackass.'
'You like being a girl - that's good. I like being a guy - that's also good.'
'Next you'll be all Me, Tarzan, you, Jane! — Rachel Caine

Idiot! Lunatic! Moron! Jackass! Selfish irresponsible fool! — Stephenie Meyer

He squinted, as if he could shut out my damned, unreasonable request, then relaxed and opened his eyes again. "I'm an Aeolus, okay?"
"A what?" Kat asked.
"Like on a breast?" Scott looked at him in confusion. Kat buried her face in one of her hands.
"Like a windkeeper, you jackass. — Robert J. Crane

The dividing line [between friends and acquaintances] is communication, I think. A friend is someone to whom you can say any jackass thing that enters your mind. With acquaintances, you are forever aware of their slightly unreal image of you, and to keep them content, you edit yourself to fit. Many marriages are between acquaintances. You can be with a person for three hours of your life and have a friend. Another will remain an acquaintance for thirty years. — John D. MacDonald

A group of ghosts is a fraid. No, really. I don't know what jackass came up with that one, but it's a real thing. A fraid of ghosts. Clearly, they've never seen a group of ghosts. Otherwise it'd be a "Pants-Shitting Terror" of ghosts. — Stephen Blackmoore

That's where I'm comfortable - playing a jackass on the scene, rolling in with my pocket watch and my buffoon hairdo, with my shoes. — Alan Tudyk

From Pearls and Poison ...
"In two minutes the cops are going to come barreling though that door," I whispered to Auntie KiKi hoping to get her mind off the body in the back room. "Any suggestions how we tell these workers out here their candidate just croaked?"
"Yell The jackass bit the big one, hip-hip hooray Gloria wins, then run like the dickens before someone recognizes us. — Duffy Brown

You'd better be careful, they are going to revoke your vampire license if you get any more romantic and mushy."
"Don't worry," Burnett said, his eyes pinched as if serious. "I can still be a jackass, and kick ass, when it's called for. — C.C. Hunter

I don't think it's cool when I have to announce that I'm gluten-free; in fact, I feel like a total jackass 99.9 percent of the time. — April Peveteaux

Oh, he's joining the team," Dean declares. "I don't care if I have to suck his dick to get him to agree to it."

Laughter breaks out all around him.

"Sucking dick now, are we?" I ask pleasantly.

An evil gleam lights his eyes. "You know what? I won't just suck it," he says slowly. "I'll suck him off. You know, give him an orgasm."

The other guys exchange mystified looks, but Dean's mocking look tells me exactly where he's going with this. Jackass.

"I'm not sure if you all know this, but an orgasm is the point of completion in the pleasure process." Dean gives me an innocent smile. "Men and women achieve it in different ways. For example, when a woman reaches completion, she might moan or gasp or - — Elle Kennedy

Why had she imagined he was attractive? He was absolutely the biggest, most complete and utter jackass she'd ever had the bad fortune to meet. — Christina Dodd

I moved to the counter. A note was propped on the register. Welcome home, Ms. Lane. Arrogant, overconfident jackass. — Karen Marie Moning

Galen?"
"Hmm?"
"You can put me down now."
"I'm not ready yet." He tightens his hold.
"You don't have to hold - "
"Emma? Can you hear me?"
"Uh, yes. I can hear fine. I just can't see - "
"That's a relief. Because for a minute there, I thought maybe you didn't hear me when I said I'm not ready yet."
"Jackass. — Anna Banks

Can you see the future, Kerbouchard?"
"Who would wish to? Our lives hold a veil between anticipation and horror. Anticipation is the carrot suspended before the jackass to keep him moving forward. Horror is what he would see if he took his eyes off the carrot. — Louis L'Amour

Jessica: "You great drunken jackass!"
Dain: "I did not give you leave to use my Christian name. — Loretta Chase

I made some friends for life, the way I usually make them. Any jackass can be pleasant company, but if people help you when you're at your worst, that's a friend. — Rick Bragg

You once asked if I told Maxon about you, and I did. He knows exactly what a spineless, ungrateful jackass you are. — Kiera Cass

But love doesn't make a mean drunk not a mean drunk or a narcissist not a narcissist or a jackass not a jackass. — Cheryl Strayed

I felt like people really do their best work when they're having a really good time and feel safe to push the envelope and make a jackass out of themselves. — Clark Gregg

My voice of reason is always Lola. "You're a jackass."
"You only say that when I'm being your voice of reason."
"Out of my head, witch. And don't piss me off, I tell her. "I'll buy you underwear one size too small for Christmas and make you hate life. — Christina Lauren

Shit," Paul says. "She paid for Matt's treatment." "What?" I'm still dumbfounded. "She went back home for you," he explains. He still has Matt on the phone, and he's talking to both of us at the same time. She did it all for me. "She did it for me," I say out loud. "You lucky fucker," Paul says, punching me in the arm. "She'll be back for the spring session at Juilliard." Warm happiness settles around me like a blanket fresh out of the dryer. Paul nods. "Matt will be home by then." We all hope Matt will be home by then. Matt has a chance to come home, and it's all because of Emily. I jump up, and Paul pulls me into a hug. "She'll be back?" I ask. I can't wrap my head around it all. "She's not gone for good?" "She just told the whole fucking world how much she loves you, you jackass." Paul punches me in the shoulder again. She's coming back. To Juilliard. To me. — Tammy Falkner

Sagebrush is a very fair fuel, but as a vegetable it is a distinguished failure. Nothing can abide the taste of it but the jackass and his illegitimate child the mule. — Mark Twain

How is it that you can go from decent human being to complete jackass in zero-point-two seconds? Did they teach you that in The Eye?"
He stopped, and his eyes glided over my lips.
"Actually, I'm just trying to see if I can make you mad enough to kiss me again. — Rachel Hawkins

The way that I look at it is that, when we film for eight months straight for a new 'Jackass' movie, I know that I'm going to wind up with at least two broken bones. I don't know when it's going to happen, but you can't contemplate how you're going to fall and what's going to happen. — Bam Margera

If looks could kill ... well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.
"See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny. — Molly Harper

If your going to be a jackass then do it outside of your home, as your home is supposed to be a place of love and safety, it's your sanctuary from the outside world. The only place where we can truly be accepted. — Lisa Marie Main

i aint the sharpest knife in the drawer , but i know enough to know that if your gonna be dumb you have to be tuff... i — Jose Torres

All work and no play may make Jim a dull boy, but no work and all play makes Jim all kinds of a jackass. — William Randolph Hearst

When you're driving, you don't focus on everything at once, but you have peripheral awareness of it, right? You focus on what you need to at any given moment, whether it's the car in front of you, the jackass in the lifted truck passing you, or the sirens behind you, whatever. Everything exists, everything is there, but you don't have to see it all at once. Does that help? You don't have to see all the bindings you're seeing right now. Just focus on the outlines of the physical stuff you saw before. — Kevin Hearne

This someone you were talking with wouldn't be that Frost fellow, would it?" Ewan's crisp accent floated into the kitchen like a brisk breeze. "The last thing you need is to be talking to that moronic jackass. — Monica Burns

When we were working on Jackass and I'd be traveling in the same bus, car, or van with Johnny Knoxville on road trips, he'd sometimes stick sedative pills in my food in the hope that they'd shut me up so he could enjoy some peace and quiet. Never once did it work. Each time, I think he was truly amazed at the doses of downers that failed to quiet me down. — Stephen "Steve-O" Glover

So, what - you just walk right past me? Don't even say hello?" He clutches the socks to his chest. "I'm crushed. I saved us a table and everything."

I glance at him. Keep walking.

He catches up. "I'm serious. Do you have any idea how awkward it is to wave at someone and have them ignore you? And then you're just looking around like a jackass, trying to be all, 'No, really, I swear, I know that girl' and no one believes y - — Tahereh Mafi

That just proves there's something going on with you and Mr. Jackass. — Kody Keplinger

I wish for you four animals: a mink on the shoulders, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a jackass to pay for it all. To you! — John Oldale

Comparing John to James is like comparing a racehorse to a jackass. — Donna Andersen

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You've got to just stand there and take it. — Lyndon B. Johnson

You told me i was your world.
It wasn't me. I was an animal."
My heart pounded. My cheeks burned.
You never wanted it to end.
"Why are you being such a jackass, slamming me in the face with my own humiliation?"
Humilation? That's what you call this? He forced a more detailed reminder on me.
I swallowed. Yes, I certainly remembered that. "I was out of my mind. I'd never have done it otherwise."

Really, his dark eyes mocked, and in them I was demanding more, telling him I wanted it to always be this way.
I remembered what he'd replied: that one day I would wonder if it was possible to hate him more. — Karen Marie Moning

No' is golden. 'No' is the kind of power the good witch wields. It's the way whole, healthy, emotionally evolved people manage to have relationships with jackasses while limiting the amount of jackass in their lives. — Cheryl Strayed

Fuck you. Hunter (I decided not to call him Liam anymore - Liam was a nice name for a nice guy, and it didn't fit this bastard at all) glanced at his friend, then rubbed a hand over his face. For a minute he looked tired. Jackass. I was going to laugh at his funeral. — Joanna Wylde

You know it's when like you parents said "I'm not mad at you, just disappointed" You know that hurts so much more. — Stephen "Steve-O" Glover

Any jackass can kick down a barn. It takes a carpenter to build on. — Sam Rayburn

When you're problem solving with a team and somebody has an idea separate the idea from the person talking, because once in a while a jackass might come up with something useful. — Rachel Brady

When I loved myself enough, I let the tomboy in me swing off the rope in Jackass Canyon. Yes! — Kim McMillen

And here's what Barack Obama and his surrogates said about Mitt Romney: Mitt Romney is the worst guy since Mussolini. Mitt Romney is the guy who straps dogs to the top of cars. Mitt Romney is the kind of guy who wants to "put y'all back in chains." Mitt Romney is leading a "war on women" and, in fact, has compiled a binder full of women that he can then use to prosecute his war. Mitt Romney is the type of guy who would specifically fire an employee so that five years later his wife would die of cancer thanks to lack of health insurance. Mitt Romney would take his money and put it in an overseas bank account specifically to deprive the American people of money. The Obama campaign slogan: "Romney: Rich, Sexist, Racist Jackass. — Ben Shapiro

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass. — Mark Twain

He slammed the door shut in Ian's face, the lock clicking into place. Ian hit it again with his fist before roaring, If I were a pervert, I'd be looking for something a damn bit more attractive than you, jackass. And definitely someone that smelled alive. — Rose Wynters

The rasp in his voice did her in. It wasn't the lazy boredom of a jackass who wanted a warm place to stick his dick. It was edgy. — Kit Rocha

You're hammered, Jack!" Jenna yells back.
The male voice laughs. "Hammered Jack. Jack hammer. I'm a jackhammer."
"You're a jackass," she shouts — Chelsea Fine

time to time, someone will tell me something so patently unbelievable that I manage not to understand the words as they're spoken. This usually leads to my blathering something incredibly insensitive or incongruous which makes me look like a tremendous jackass. This was one of those moments. — J.P. Sloan

I stole some of your lollipops."
"Really. Well, if you're in the mood to lick something ... "
She laughed.
"We can hear you," Seth called.
"So?" Marcus countered and kissed his wife again.
"So she's like a daughter to me, jackass."
"Yeah," David seconded. "There's a reason I poured thousands of dollars into soundproofing your bedroom."
"Hmm." Marcus sounded thoughtful. "I do believe your family is trying to tell me I should take you to bed."
"That isn't what I - oh screw it," Seth muttered. — Dianne Duvall

How about this?" I said, because now it was the principle of the thing. "I'm sorry, jackass. — Rosemary Clement-Moore

A jackass has that kind of strength, and puts it to a useful purpose, and is valuable to the world because he is a jackass; but anobleman is not valuable because he is a jackass. It is a mixture that is always ineffectual, and should never have been attempted in the first place. And yet, once you start a mistake, the trouble is done and you never know what is going to come of it. — Mark Twain

Oh, so it was a lifesaving kiss."
"Well, if you want to put it that way ... "
Arrogant jackass. "Do me a favor: next time you think my life needs saving, just let me die. I'd really prefer it."
He laughed.
She shook her head. "I'm going to the front with the boys. Don't follow me. You and your paramedic kisses need time to cool off. — Ilona Andrews

You're a disgusting, shallow, womanizing jackass, and I hope that soda stains your preppy little shirt." Just before I marched away, i looked over my shoulder and added, "And my name isn't Duffy. it's Bianca. we've been in the same homeroom since middle school, you selfabsorbed son of a bitch. — Kody Keplinger

You stupid, selfish, philandering coach-class jackass. — Kate Klise

The look of success, when it is worn a certain way, would infuriate a jackass. — Albert Camus

My proudest moment was when I was in high school, some jackass tried to give me a wedgy. I came prepared, I went commando. It tickled. — Jared Leto

And Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn't know how to punch the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy Thanksgiving, Jackass. — Elizabeth Eulberg

You stupid jackass," Ian said.
"Who's got the crush on a worm, bro? You gonna call me stupid? — Stephenie Meyer

Your female, huh?" The Shifter bravely looked up. "Is your cock so small that you can't get your own women to--

Logan slapped a hand across his mouth and leaned in, nose to nose--giving the man a good look at the darkness pulsing in his eyes. "There are no laws against what we do, only opinions. Your opinion doesn't matter to me, but disrespecting this female does. Tip your head to her once more and I'll place my jacket on the back of that chair and we'll take a walk where Breed rules don't apply. Care to discuss your opinions on this matter any further?" Logan's nose wrinkle, drawing in a scent. The man backed down in defeat. Obviously not an alpha Shifter, just a jackass.

Logan's eyes slanted, as if watching me in his peripheral. "For the record, my cock can only be measured in decibels from the screams of the females it pleasures. — Dannika Dark

Who would have thought working for an angry jackass would result in my getting fucked up against a cold window at work and liking it? — Christina Lauren

Air ye deaf, lass?
I think. He might have called me a hairy jackass — Karen Marie Moning

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything. — Paris Hilton

Whatever," I said. "It's getting cloying in here. Are we there yet?" He smiled. "Jerk." "Wuss." "Jackass." "Pansy." "Philistine." "Dandysprat." "Butthead." "Whiner ... — Jim Butcher

I am thinking that I don't want this to happen. I don't want to die. I don't want my friends to die. And to be honest, as the time slows down and my hands are in the air, I am afforded the chance to think one more thought, and I think about her. I blame her for this ridiculous, fatal chase
for putting us at risk, for making me into the kind of jackass who would stay up all night and drive too fast. I would not be dying were it not for her. I would have stayed home, as I have always stayed home, and I would've been safe, and I would have done the one thing I have always wanted to do, which is to grow up. — John Green

A burger and fries will be fine, servant."
"I appreciate your order, jackass."
"As you should, beauty. — Bijou Hunter

I have learned that one of the most important rules in politics is poise - which means looking like an owl after you have behaved like a jackass. — Ronald Reagan

You already made your point," I say with a mouthful of fruit.
"Did I?"
"Oh, for the love of dick, yes. Now leave me alone."
"Never. If you want, I'll fuck you now."
The gall. I wouldn't fuck him now if my clit was on fire and needed to be doused with nub-saving cum. I roll my eyes at him.
"No thanks, we have a lifetime of fucking ahead of us," I say mockingly.
He shrugs and starts to walk away as if it makes no difference to him one way or the other. He's such a jackass sometimes. Before I can stop myself I throw my half-eaten banana at him and it hits him on the back of his neck.
He spins around, wipes his neck and looks down at the banana on the floor.
"Did you really just fruitally assault me?"
He thinks he's so damned funny with his wordplay. — Ella Dominguez

Thus a person can be a Buddha one minute and a jackass three minutes later. You don't just become Buddha at the moment of your first enlightenment experience and then stay Buddha forever. — Brad Warner

Jackass!" Eve yelled.
"You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome," Shane said. — Rachel Caine

A woman could love a jackass. She could not love a son of a bitch. Many have tried, Gideon. Many have tried. — Deanna Raybourn

In the past men were handsome and great (now they are children and dwarfs), but this is merely one of the many facts that demonstrate the disaster of an aging world. The young no longer want to study anything, learning is in decline, the whole world walks on its head, blind men lead others equally blind and cause them to plunge into the abyss, birds leave the nest before they can fly, the jackass plays the lyre, oxen dance. Mary no longer loves the contemplative life and Martha no longer loves the active life, Leah is sterile, Rachel has a carnal eye, Cato visits brothels, Lucretius becomes a woman. Everything is on the wrong path. In those days, thank God, I acquired from my master the desire to learn and a sense of the straight way, which remains even when the path is tortuous. — Umberto Eco

They?" he said, sounding apprehensive.
"Me. They're like me."
"Don't be a jackass," Roswell said, but not meanly. "No one's like you. — Brenna Yovanoff

According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind. — Conan O'Brien

Murray said, "Is this Heaven?"
The Voice said, "This is no place as you understand place."
Murray was embarrassed, but the next question had to be asked. "Pardon me if I sound like a jackass. Are you God? — Isaac Asimov

Jackass millionaires, hey, hey, Hollywood, here we come. — Brad Paisley

I don't want easy. I want the impossible. I want love so thick, I drown in it; it's the only thing worth having and, I'm sorry Kona, you're a nice guy when you're not acting like an entitled jackass, but I really don't think you're capable of being anything more than that. — Eden Butler

Yup," Heather replied. "Some jackass tries to prick me and I'm gonna prick him right back! Leave the bottle, bucko. Save ya a trip. — Jacob D. Lochner

And I will not be beaten by that jackass."
"Jackass?" said Foaly, wounded. "My favorite uncle is a jackass. — Eoin Colfer

Moi?" He put his hand over his heart and did his best wounded-innocent look. "You must be thinking of some other uncouth jackass. Which makes me jealous, by the way. — Rachel Caine

Shock? More like shellshock at this point. Blondie knew I was gay, yet he was a Company Exec or else he wouldn't be here. I was his butt boy in the worst possible way.
When I squinted at him, he gave nothing up. Neither did I. I had shit on this newly minted man too.
Double fucking jeopardy, jackass. — Rie Warren

You look like a Goth factory exploded all over you!" he called as she ran down the hall.
"Love you, too, jackass! — Rachel Caine

Because orgasmic sex would lead to women's autonomy, knowing who you are and what we want: Women are not going to follow what some jackass tells us we must do. Not all women are going to get married, be monogamous and raise a family. It will destroy the current social structure based on a sexual double standard that we're currently living under. — Betty Dodson

Oh, dear God!" Janice bellowed and looked as though her neck was made of rubber as her head wobbled back and forth. Lou set the book back on the credenza as Janice stormed out. "Ashton, I'm sorry you had to witness that. As you well know, Mom has never been a pleasant woman. Since coming to live here, she's been a nightmare on two legs. I've had her head examined, and there's no tumor or disease to explain her behavior. The neurologist and our family doctor have simply diagnosed her as a chronic jackass. — Robin Alexander

When I am paid a compliment, I must compare myself with the little donkey that carried Christ on Palm Sunday. And I say to myself: If that little creature, hearing the applause of the crowd, had become proud and had begun -- jackass that he was -- to bow his thanks left and right like a prima donna, how much hilarity he would have aroused! Don't act the same! — Pope John Paul I

What?" my partner asked suddenly.
I jumped, guilty at having been caught staring. But, hell, I thought, might as well ask. "Are you two
you know?" I made a vaguely obscene gesture with my fingers.
He stopped walking so fast I was shocked he didn't get whiplash. "What?"
I waved toward the building. "You and Shandi."
Instead of answering, he threw his head back and brayed like the jackass he was. — Jaye Wells

I want to hate him for what he did. Leaving us. It's not right. He's gone and I'm stuck here in this fucking funeral home, staring at his casket. There's no way out. Not for me, and certainly not for him. The casket is closed. Bolted shut for eternity. No one forced him to be a Jackass wannabe, though. — Jolene Perry

Kale, jackass. His name is Kale, I snapped. Someone had joined the line behind Dad. The woman made an irritated noise of disapproval at my choice of wording and covered her small son's ears.
Great. Now I was corrupting children. — Jus Accardo

KERRYANNE: Paul didn't think it was worthwhile.
KYLE: Paul's a jackass. Well he's not in your life anymore so you're free to do whatever the heck you want ain't you? — Jordan Silver

On an otherwise normal Tuesday evening I had the chance to live the American Dream. I was able to throw my incompetent jackass of a boss from a fourteenth-story window. — Larry Correia

Do you sell anything that can answer a yes or no question?" I asked him.
"For entertainment purposes," he asked me not bothering to look up, "or for real?"
I squelched the impulse to scream, "What do you think, you jackass?" Maybe he was asking a serious question- though I had my doubts. "You're the one with the metaphysical shop. If I wanted a magic Eight Ball, I'd go to SaverPlus."
He looked up at me and grinned. "Did you notice the new guy who works at the return counter in the SaverPlus basement?He's kind of a creep- which I think I like about him- and he's got this monster bulge in his pants."
I could totally see him getting into someone who was a creep. "Um. No."
"They're still open. Why don't you go buy a Magic Eight Ball so I can return it?"
"No."
"Then what the fuck good are you? — Jordan Castillo Price

You treat me like a dog and you expect me to smile? You remind me of a jackass. — Stone Cold Steve Austin

A person without her or his own truth ain't a person at all, Ida said. Anybody who tells you different - is a jackass, and no longer deserves to be called human being. — Tom Spanbauer

In one night, I went from a man in complete control over everything in my life to a mixed-up mess, falling for a chick way more fucked up than I ever could have imagined. Falling for her? Fuck, try already fallen, jackass. — Willow Madison

Every jackass going the roads thinks he has ideas. — James Joyce

I know of no American who starts from a higher level of aspiration than the journalist ... He plans to be both an artist and a moralist
a master of lovely words and merchant of sound ideas. He ends, commonly, as the most depressing jackass of his community
that is, if his career goes on to what is called a success. — H.L. Mencken

According to the thesaurus... and according to me... there are over thirty different meanings and substitutions for
the word
mean.
(I quickly yell the following words; the entire class flinches- including Will)
Jackass, jerk, cruel, dickhead, unkind, harsh, wicked,
hateful, heartless, vicious, virulent, unrelenting, tyrannical, malevolent, atrocious, bastard, barbarous, bitter, brutal, callous, degenerate, brutish, depraved, evil, fierce, hard, implacable, rancorous, pernicious, inhumane, monstrous, merciless, inexorable.
And my personal favorite - asshole. — Colleen Hoover

You look more of less the same."
She strode right past him. "And you still look like a jackass," she said sweetly. — Sarah J. Maas