Irs Quotes & Sayings

'The Committee has identified eight senior leaders who were in a position to prevent or to stop the IRS's targeting of conservative applicants,' the Oversight report states. 'Each of these leaders could have and should have done more to prevent the IRS's targeting of conservative tax-exempt applicants.' — Patrick Howley

What do I need it for, millions of dollars? It just sounds like problems with the IRS to me. — Burt Shavitz

Anybody who thinks that 'it doesn't matter who's President' has never been Drafted and sent off to fight and die in a vicious, stupid war on the other side of the world
or been beaten and gassed by Police for trespassing on public property
or been hounded by the IRS for purely political reasons
or locked up in the Cook County Jail with a broken nose and no phone access and twelve perverts wanting to stomp your ass in the shower. That is when it matters who is President or Governor or Police Chief. That is when you will wish you had voted. — Hunter S. Thompson

I have not done anything wrong. I have not broken any laws. I have not violated any IRS rules or regulations and I have not provided false information to this or any other committee. — Lois Lerner

Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam. — Jay Leno

Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents. — Conan O'Brien

With all due respect to Speaker Hastert, trying to eliminate the IRS by adopting a national retail sales tax is a very dumb idea. — Bruce Bartlett

I read about a John Shelby of Thackham, England, who in 1672 was thrown from his horse into a thicket where he found an iron pot containing more than five hundred gold coins. According to the treasure trove laws of England, all hidden or lost property belonged to the Crown. However, Shelby refused to give the gold to the king's officers, and he was arrested, tried for treason, and beheaded. This was probably a favorite story of the IRS. — Nelson DeMille

No matter what federal program one selects - Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, the drug war, the income tax and the IRS, education, foreign interventions and wars - they are all a giant mess. — Jacob G. Hornberger

Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.' — Bill Maher

Getting a tax refund is nice, but having more money year-round is better. If you get a chunk of change from the IRS, you're giving the government an interest-free loan - not something they, or any bank, would ever give you. Instead, change your withholding so you get a little extra in each paycheck. — Jean Chatzky

Obama's IRS is not the IRS I've ever known for over seventy years as an American citizen. — Michael Moriarty

President Clinton says he looks forward to the day a citizen can call the IRS and get the right answer to a question. I look forward to the day I can call the IRS and get a voice that says, 'Sorry, that number has been disconnected.' — Jay Leno

Its contempt for citizens ... is so routine, and so unlimited, that the agency has become a kind of Frankenstein, running wild and terrorizing Americans at will. The IRS hypocritically requires mistake-free returns when its own books are in shambles. It demands exorbitant sums of money without regard to the accuracy of its claims. It doesn't hesitate to use every possible maneuver to get what it wants, sometimes destroying businesses
and lives
in the process. — James Bovard

Today's political leaders demonstrate their low opinion of the public with every social law they pass. They believe that, if given the right to chose, the citizenry will probably make the wrong choice. Legislators do not think any more in terms of persuading people; they feel the need to force their agenda on the public at the point of a bayonet and the barrel of a gun, in the name of the IRS, the SEC, the FDA, the DEA, the EPA, or a multitude of other ABCs of government authority. — Mark Skousen

From the IRS standpoint, 15,000 new employees have to be added just to, you know, administer ObamaCare and look at the tax implications. — Jeff Fitzgerald

Churches are tax exempt because they are supposed to provide a public good. To prove that good to the IRS, churches arent supposed to hoard their money. They are supposed to spend it on goods and services for the faithful. Under this pretense, the church has made massive investments in tax free real estate all over the world. And when it comes to labor costs, they are almost free. — Lawrence Wright

There are more words in the IRS code than there are in the Bible. And not a one of them is as good. — Ted Cruz

When it comes to writing fiction, long or short, the learning curve never ends. I may be a professional writer to the IRS when I file my tax return, but in creative terms, I'm still an amateur, still learning my craft. We all are. Every day spent writing is a learning experience, a battle to do something new. — Stephen King

The IRS is currently considering a rule that would make it easier for tax preparers to disclose the private information contained in tax returns - including name, address, Social Security number, employer, income, and charitable donations. — Melissa Bean

We need to call what is happening out of Washington, D.C., what it is: Bureaucratic terrorism: If you want a list of stories, I could go through a bunch of them, and I could highlight a few: One of them was the IRS audit of my good friend Phil Hart, he's sitting in the audience today. That was bureaucratic terrorism. — Matt Shea

Suppose that throughout your childhood you were good with numbers. Other kids used to copy your homework. You figured store discounts faster than your parents. People came to you for help with such things. So you took accounting and eventually became a tax auditor for the IRS. What an embarrassing job, right? You feel you should be writing poetry or doing aviation mechanics or whatever. But then you realize that tax collecting can be a calling too. — James Hillman

Musicians now find themselves in the unlikely position of being legitimate. At least the IRS thinks so. — Billy Joel

Grandchildren: the only people who can get more out of you than the IRS. — Gene Perret

Reports also suggest that Ernst and Young and other large tax preparation firms are sending tax returns overseas for processing. But the IRS has no control over tax information once it's been sent to India or another country. — Melissa Bean

The money was going to come and go, between a wife and the IRS. The thrill of beating the best field in golf is what will always stay with me. — Calvin Peete

Nothing guarantees more applause and more support than the call to abolish the IRS. — Frank Luntz

Just like our forefathers in Boston Harbor, who boarded a British ship to let the king know they would have none of his tyrannical rule, this man boarded the pirate ship called the IRS, and let the repressive government, the unfeeling government that is embodied by the man who inhabits the building over there," Hamilton said, pausing and pointing to the White House, a few blocks away. "This courageous man let that evil government know he would no longer suffer under its indifference. Would no longer tolerate taxation without representation. Would no longer accept the injustice and indignity met out by that government organization."
From TAX BREAK, written in 1991, but sounding like today's politics. — Jay Williams

1913 wasn't a very good year. 1913 gave us the income tax, the 16th amendment and the IRS. — Ron Paul

Anybody who is familiar with the historical data from the IRS knows that raising income tax rates will likely actually reduce federal revenues. — Mike Pence

Top IRS officials specifically targeted tea party groups and misled the public about its secret political targeting program led by ex-official Lois Lerner, according to a bombshell new congressional report. — Patrick Howley

Here's the thing about birthdays. Your dad didn't pull out. You didn't do shit. You didn't earn anything. I'll tell you who else has or had birthday celebrations each year: Charles Manson, Jim Jones, Osama bin Laden, Pol Pot, Jeremy Piven, and Ted Bundy. All the people you hate in life, all the pedophiles, all the murderers, all the IRS auditors have birthdays. I don't think we should celebrate Idi Amin's birthday and I don't think we should celebrate yours either. — Adam Carolla

I don't want the IRS banging down my door. — Jessica Cutler

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. — Dave Barry

Daddy had a strict rule about firearms. Anything we killed we had to eat. No amount of barbecue sauce would make a hairy guy like you palatable. — Diane Kelly

I have often thought that the difference between a cult and a religion is an IRS ruling. — Ron Barrier

'Tax Collector' was optioned for a series with F/X, but it never happened. I guess they ran into a problem trying to figure out why someone would tune in to watch a show about a guy who works for the IRS. — Rick Yancey

The Daily Caller has obtained an advance copy of a House Oversight and Government Reform Committee report set to be released Tuesday morning that definitively proves malicious intent by the IRS to improperly block conservative groups that an IRS adviser deemed 'icky.' — Patrick Howley

Finally, the House is working to require a comprehensive federal review of IRS regulations with a follow-up report to Congress on possible actions to reduce the tax paperwork burden imposed on small businesses. — Michael K. Simpson

I'd once overheard my daddy tell my momma that the six Winston boys had inherited their father's ability to charm snakes, the IRS, and women. — Penny Reid

In enforcement, you always have to have both a focus on the really worst actors - you know, gang bangers, in this case, drug dealers, that sort of thing - but also routine enforcement because think about, for instance, the IRS. They don't say, OK, well, if you're not a money launderer, it doesn't matter whether you fill your tax return out right or not. They have both. They go after the really bad actors and they have a kind of general, routine enforcement — Mark Krikorian

All we have to do now is to inform the public that the payment of social security taxes is voluntary and watch the mass exodus. — Walter E. Williams

Those who advocate either slavery or income taxation should be ashamed of themselves. Genuine freedom entails the abolition, not the reform, of income taxation and the IRS, just as genuine freedom entailed the abolition, not the reform, of slavery. — Jacob G. Hornberger

The high-handed bureaucratic excesses of the IRS are a national disgrace ... riding roughshod over the taxpayers and making a joke out of our rule of laws. — Paul Laxalt

I am one Dana when I am talking to my daughter, another when I am talking to the IRS, and another still when I do an interview. These characters are just extreme versions of ordinary human self-switching. — Dana Spiotta

However accurate or inaccurate the agency's numbers may be, tax law explicitly presumes that the IRS is always right
and implicitly presumes that the taxpayer is always wrong
in any dispute with the government. In many cases, the IRS introduces no evidence whatsoever of its charges; it merely asserts that a taxpayer had a certain amount of unreported income and therefore owes a proportionate amount in taxes, plus interest and penalties. — James Bovard

Another agency - the IRS - did not do as well under Republicans who control Congress. The IRS is largely flatlined in their spending, but they did get about 300 million more funding. But I can only be used to help people pay their taxes and answer questions. It can't be used for any other purpose. — Susan Davis

Get rid of IRS; get rid of income tax; get rid of spending. — Ron Paul

I'd learned how to handle a gun before I was fully potty trained. — Diane Kelly

There is a way for the IRS to be able to have a double check to make sure individuals don't file on your Social Security number early and try to get a tax return and make it chaotic for you to file your own taxes. That's not been done. — James Lankford

When things get tough, this is what you should do: Make good art. I'm serious. Husband runs off with a politician - make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by a mutated boa constrictor - make good art. IRS on your trail - make good art. Cat exploded - make good art. Someone on the Internet thinks what you're doing is stupid or evil or it's all been done before - make good art. Probably things will work out somehow, eventually time will take the sting away, and that doesn't even matter. Do what only you can do best: Make good art. Make it on the bad days, make it on the good days, too. — Neil Gaiman

My family was always very supportive. Whether you're an actor or not, everybody hears the horror stories of people going to L.A. and trying to be an actor, and their dreams are crushed, and they end up working for the IRS. So they were always protective to the point that they wanted me to have a backup plan, which is understandable, but there was always something inside of me that knew: backup plan, schmackup plan. — Zachary Levi

The only people helped by the death tax are lawyers, accountants, and IRS agents. — Bob Schaffer

In many cases, Obama's exercise of authoritarian power is criminal. His executive branch is responsible for violations of the Arms Export Control Act in shipping weapons to Syria, the Espionage Act in Libya, and IRS law with regard to the targeting of conservative groups. — Ben Shapiro

I think the terror most people are concerned with is the IRS. — Malcolm Forbes

You from the IRS? The man's voice was deep and wet, like mud slipping down a drain. — Carl Hiaasen

Previous presidents, including great ones like Roosevelt, have used the IRS against their enemies. But I don't think Barack Obama ever wanted to be on the same page as Richard Nixon. — Joe Klein

Im sick and tired of politicians beating up on the IRS. We have the best and fairest tax-collection system in the world. — Charles Rangel

The police state We now have well over 100,000 domestic federal law enforcement agents armed and ready to enforce the laws to "make everyone safe and secure." We also have our TSA "friends" at the airports protecting us with an army of over 50,000 bureaucrats. The Department of Homeland Security has more than 240,000 employees. The FBI has about 35,000 employees. Around 90,000 IRS employees enforce draconian tax laws that limit self-sufficiency, put people in fear, and are used as a political tool to help suppress dissenters to the empire. There are many thousands of others "making sure we're safe and secure from our foreign enemies" while our domestic enemies, including politicians, bureaucrats, and government profiteers, are ignored. — Ron Paul

I'm not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he's sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics. — Dave Barry

In 2013 Citigroup had profits of $6.4 billion in the United States. They paid no federal income tax and, in fact, received a rebate from the IRS of $260 million. That same year J.P. Morgan had $17.2 billion in profits in the U.S. They also paid no federal income tax. Do you think it's time for tax reform? — Bernie Sanders

Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it. — Dave Barry

Bringing the IRS to heel can start with re-energizing and expanding congressional investigations and holding accountable those responsible for the targeting and other abuses. — Cleta Mitchell

While tax refunds amount to substantial income for many Americans, current IRS rules do not allow taxpayers to directly deposit their refund into more than one account. — Jim Cooper

Celebrate me for who I am, dislike me for what I ain't ( ... ) put me up on a pedestal or drag me down in the dirt ( ... ) this is who I am, you can like ir or not, you can love me or leave me cuz I'm never gonna stop — Madonna Ciccone

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! — Jerry Seinfeld

When preparing your return, you should be sure to avoid common mistakes. The two most common taxpayer mistakes, states the IRS booklet, are (1) "failure to include a current address," and (2) "failure to be a large industry that gives humongous contributions to key tax-law-writing congresspersons." — Dave Barry

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference. — Emo Philips

Most voters would rather have their purse or wallet stolen than be audited by the IRS. — Frank Luntz

Families will now have to prove to the IRS that they have Washington-approved and government-mandated insurance. — John Barrasso

I should hex the IRS. — Laura Oliva

Well, what did we buy? Instead of a leaner, smarter government, we bought a bureaucracy that now tells us which light bulbs to buy, and which will put 16,500 IRS agents in charge of policing President Obama's health care bill. — Michele Bachmann

Jay Carney, whose unenviable job is not to explain but to explain away what his employers say, calls the IRS's behavior "inappropriate. " No, using the salad fork for the entree is inappropriate. Using the Internal Revenue Service for political purposes is a criminal offense. — George Will

I heard about this man who fell into a pit, and while he was down there several people came by and offered their opinions. The Pharisee said, "You deserve to be in the pit." The Catholic said, "You need to suffer while you're in the pit." The Baptist said, "If you'd been saved, you wouldn't have fallen into the pit." The charismatic said, "Just confess I'm not in the pit." The mathematician said, "Let me calculate how you fell into the pit." The IRS agent said, "Have you paid taxes on that pit?" The optimist said, "Things could be worse." The pessimist said, "Things will get worse. — Joel Osteen

When I write my annual tax column, some ex-IRS agent will complain, "There you go IRS bashing again." They're always saying that they're just doing their job. Someone I know once said, "You could get another job." — Dave Barry

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference. — Emo Philips

Make no mistake, tax cheaters cheat us all, and the IRS should enforce our laws to the letter. — Tom Daschle

Mr. Speaker, in 1848, Karl Marx said, a progressive income tax is needed to transfer wealth and power to the state. Thus, Marx's Communist Manifesto had as its major economic tenet a progressive income tax. Think about it, 1848 Karl Marx, Communism ... I say it is time to replace the progressive income tax with a national retail sales tax, and it is time to abolish the IRS, my colleagues. I yield back all the rules, regulations, fear, and intimidation of our current system. — James Traficant

Writing checks to the IRS that include strings of zeros does not bother me ... Overall, we feel extraordinarily lucky to have been dealt a hand in life that enables us to write large checks to the government rather than one requiring the government to regularly write checks to us-say, because we are disabled or unemployed. — Warren Buffett

Please understand what the IRS scandal is about: Using the government to shut down opponents — Dennis Prager

If you're tempted to believe with Governor Cuomo that government is just like Mom and Pop rather than Big Brother, just ask yourself one question: When was the last time all the IRS wanted from you was a hug and a kiss. — Paul Laxalt

The Internal Revenue Service is more ruthless than the Gestapo. Abolish the IRS! Stamp out organized crime! — Evel Knievel

We must get rid of the IRS. It's a bureaucracy fraught with totalitarianism. — Sonny Bono

His clients ranged from the IRS to the mob.On one occasion the oil industry hired him to kill the inventor of a car which was fueled by depression. The moguls didn't know how to profit from such a cheap and abundant resource. — Steve Aylett

Article II of the articles of impeachment against Richard Nixon was just the simple fact that he talked about and suggested the potential use of the IRS against one or two political opponents. — Monica Crowley

Let's abolish the IRS, let's eliminate income tax, let's eliminate corporate tax, let's balance the federal budget, and if we need a tax, it can be one federal consumption tax. — Gary Johnson

We don't want the efficiency of the federal government and the compassion of the IRS to run our health care. — Todd Akin

IRS is very poorly equipped to make a distinction between what is a religion and what is not. — Lawrence Wright

If you make one word out of 'The IRS' it spells 'theirs.' — Lyn Nofziger

And when things get tough, this is what you should do.
Make good art.
I'm serious. Husband runs off with a politician? Make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor? Make good art. IRS on your trail? Make good art. Cat exploded? Make good art. Somebody on the Internet thinks what you do is stupid or evil or it's all been done before? Make good art. Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn't matter. Do what only you do best. Make good art.
Make it on the good days too. — Neil Gaiman

Low-income taxpayers deserve the same rights as everyone else. It was wrong of the IRS to target low-income taxpayers, and I am please by the decision to correct this unfair practice. — Christopher Dodd

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. — Dave Barry

What am I afraid of? The IRS. That's it. I don't want those people knockin' on my door, man. — Tracy Morgan

Long before Wesley Snipes decided he didn't need to pay the IRS, Willie Nelson was dodging the tax men. — Shawn Amos

When you come into the world you have nothing ... when you leave you have nothing ... and in between there's the IRS. — Bob Thaves

Uh-huh. You know with that sinister tone you should look into working for the IRS. I'm sure they're desperate for people who can cow others with a single growl. (Susan) — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Warren Buffett's company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he wasn't kidding. — Jay Leno

A number of people who I've talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y'know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to me once and ask me if I paid taxes. Of course I pay taxes! I pay taxes for exactly the same reason that I hate paying taxes - because I think my government is terrifying and stupid. I don't need the IRS kicking my door down and taking my meticulously alphabetized collection of Tijuana bibles. — Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

The IRS'll never sweat me or even put up a fight ...
Cause I'm sure I've paid more in taxes than you've made in yo' life! — Ludacris

Much has already been learned about the arrogance of the IRS from the House investigations of the agency's targeting of conservatives. The revelations emerged despite strenuous efforts by Democrats in Washington and by the IRS itself to block inquiries and deny the existence of political targeting - targeting that the former head of the IRS Exempt Organizations Unit, Lois Lerner, eventually acknowledged and apologized for in May 2013. — Cleta Mitchell