Humphries Quotes & Sayings

There's to be a film about my life. I can give this as an exclusive now. Meryl Streep was offered the part but, no, I wanted Kate Winslet. Kylie Minogue is playing me in middle age. In old age, I'm not sure who's going to play me. I haven't got there yet. Perhaps Cate Blanchett. Or Jacki Weaver. — Barry Humphries

I like people who are slightly unhygienic. A little grubbiness isn't so bad. BO chic it should be called. — Barry Humphries

New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human. — Barry Humphries

The truth is deafening, no matter how softly it is spoken. — Barry Humphries

Am I old-fashioned? I think I might be. I am a lucky woman, because I was born with a priceless gift ... the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others. — Barry Humphries

I have outlived most of my more athletic contemporaries who jogged, golfed and squashed themselves into coronary occlusion. — Barry Humphries

I've never looked at my Facebook page or my website, because I'm fundamentally an amateur. — Barry Humphries

I have beautiful, beautiful clothes, designed by my bachelor boy son, Kenny. Kenny has a big following as it is, and even Lady Gaga has asked Kenny to design dresses for her. But Kenny isn't very keen on, well, shall we say, extreme women. He likes someone that women all over the world can identify with. — Barry Humphries

When people laugh at me, they are not laughing in the way that they normally would at a comedian. They are laughing with relief, because the truth has been spoken, and political correctness has not strangled this particular gigastar. — Barry Humphries

Sport is a loathsome and dangerous pursuit. — Barry Humphries

Follow wherever the data leads you. Let the zillions help you rest more easily. Numbers don't lie. And they won't lead you astray. Instead, they'll help you find your way home. — Stan Humphries

I don't always match up with guys like Dwight Howard or Andrew Bynum, but when I do, those guys are a challenge. Dwight, for example, is quick, explosive, and strong all in one. — Kris Humphries

There is no more terrible fate for a comedian than to be taken seriously. — Barry Humphries

It's not superstition, but I do everything exactly the same on game days. I'm a creature of habit. I eat the same breakfast, and then I drive the same way to practice. Then I come back and eat the same exact same lunch before every game. — Kris Humphries

I have charity work that I do. I started my own charity, the Friends of the Prostate, and I'm also working on awareness of the deviated septum. I do this because not many people are interested in it. There's also Save the Funnel-web - they're dying out. — Barry Humphries

I think a lot of people think that we [comedians] are nerveless people in the theatre, that we don't feel that kind of terror which traditionally anyone who has to do any public speaking feels. It's worse for actors, because our livelihood depends on it. — Barry Humphries

I drift along, thinking about the past a great deal. The past is so reliable, so delightful, and the best place to live. I end up there quite often, you know; it's very comfortable and dependable. — Barry Humphries

Kim Kardashian's marriage to Kris Humphries famously lasted 72 days, and was reported in the tabloids as being all about the big bucks paid by magazines for the bridal photos: it is a spectacle of a bride-to-be as entrepreneur, not as romantic heroine; the groom, in this scenario, is nothing but a prop. — Naomi Wolf

Every age probably regards itself as unique in its sexual sophistication, and if we take Ovid as a typical spokesman we should have to conclude that the keynote of his age was elegance ... Ovid could not possibly have taken himself, nor be taken for, an Ancient. — Rolfe Humphries

Most of my contemporaries at school entered the World of Business, the logical destiny of bores. — Barry Humphries

I never thought that I would become a staple in the Australian cultural diet. The equivalent of bread or milk, or a fine old Tasmanian Mauve Vein. I think it's because I talk about things that people dare not mention. I don't mean raunchy things or unsavoury things. I call a spade a spade - I discuss things in a realistic manner. — Barry Humphries

I've played Beckett. I put on in the 1950s the first Australian production of 'Waiting for Godot.' I played Estragon. The most interesting conversation I've had about Beckett was with a Dublin taxi driver. — Barry Humphries

In Australia, they really want to turn me into a religion. A religion! Can you imagine? The Church of Edna? Oh. I don't want to be over-revered. — Barry Humphries

If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up. — Barry Humphries

I Sellotape whole tins of sardines to my face at night, attach two squeezed lemon rinds to my armadillo-skinned elbows, and put cucumber on my eyes. By the time I'm finished, I look like a fruit salad with added fish. In the morning, the pillow is pretty much a write-off. — Barry Humphries

I've turned from an ordinary Australian housewife into a gigastar, icon, talk-show host, swami, spin doctor ... and now I'm a style guru! — Barry Humphries

With The Myth of Achievement Tests, James J. Heckman, John Eric Humphries, and Tim Kautz have offered a wealth of insightful analysis and brought together a number of topics often treated separately to inform a comprehensive discussion of the growth, character, and impact of the GED that is truly monumental. This is a first-rate book. — Eric A. Hanushek

I hate it when theater people go on about professionalism - aren't they boring? I try to be as unprofessional as possible. And I'm a little bit politically incorrect. — Barry Humphries

I'm an immensely shy and vulnerable woman. My husband has never seen me naked. Nor has he expressed the least desire to do so. — Barry Humphries

I suffer greatly from nerves. I have stage-fright badly, and it gets worse, but the stage is still my life. — Barry Humphries

That simple touch felt like stars springing to life inside of me after years of living in darkness. — Jessie Humphries

Friendship is tested in the thick years of success rather than in the thin years of struggle. — Barry Humphries

He's very, very well-known. I'd say he's world-famous in Melbourne. — Barry Humphries

I also eat fruit instead of drinking juices. That's something I've read up on. I think that if you drink a lot of fruit juice you take in way too much sugar. You'd be better off eating a bunch of strawberries or apples. — Kris Humphries

To live in Australia permanently is rather like going to a party and dancing all night with one's mother. — Barry Humphries

It was a sh*t sandwich. — Kris Humphries

I really feel sorry for kids who aren't interested in history - recent history, either, because it is this that made us what we are. — Barry Humphries

The whole point of art, aside from the aesthetic pleasure it yields, is that it provides a bridge to the past; that seductive land where we all find certainty and consolation. Nothing quite spans this gulf with such immediacy as the art of popular song. — Barry Humphries

Now the point of comedy is not just looking funny, it's use of language. We have at our disposal a great language ... and the imaginative, creative use of that language can be at the service of humour. — Barry Humphries

To me [my marriage to Kim Kardashian] was real. I would never go through something or do something that wasn't real or I didn't believe in, so I can really only speak for myself in terms of that. — Kris Humphries

I am writing a book called 'The History of Australia in Hundred Objects.' It's of things we have invented in Australia. And you know, some of them are amazing. We invented the clapper boards used in films. We invented those cranes - those big long cranes used on construction sites. — Barry Humphries

I eat about 4,500 calories every day, but I eat only nutritious, organic foods, and I don't eat added sugars. — Kris Humphries

Oddly enough, Dame Edna is not interested in show business. Her friends in Los Angeles are mostly in the world of petroleum. She used to have some acting friends. Sadly, Joan Rivers has passed on. Larry Hagman was a close friend. A number of others. — Barry Humphries

I guess you could say I'm an addict - an adrenalin addict - I get great excitement and stimulation from doing stuff in public, even though I'm nervous and I have very bad stage fright. — Barry Humphries

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary. — Barry Humphries

I know body hair bothers some women, but a lot of men like a fluffy partner. — Barry Humphries

I'm someone who always comes on the court no matter what's going on in my life. It's all about basketball and my teammates and my team. I don't let any distractions in, and I bring my best every night, regardless of what's going on or what people are talking about. — Kris Humphries

I denied this for many, many years and years ... but you cannot help but not see a little of my mother in the character of Edna. — Barry Humphries

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development. — Barry Humphries

Glamour comes from within. My beauty regime begins with my personality. — Barry Humphries

I'm approaching 70. Unfortunately, from the wrong direction. — Barry Humphries

I love Australia - I think. — Barry Humphries

People only watch my shows for me, and those shows have remained evergreen long after the guests are forgotten. — Barry Humphries

My husband passed away a long time ago, and of course a lot of people have courted me. I've been taken to dinner and also to things like Larry Hagman, in particular years ago. And more recently, of course, little Hugh Jackman - and he's too young for me though, frankly. — Barry Humphries

If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke of the century. — Barry Humphries

What is extraordinary about the character of Edna - and I speak as though I am completely outside this character and I am talking to you - I'm, as it were, in the wings, and she's on stage, and every now and then she says something extremely funny, and I stand there and think: 'I wish I'd thought of that.' — Barry Humphries

I also discovered how science can go horribly wrong. We can easily become captured by a belief system that is built on a shaky and flawed foundation. How often do we believe in something, not because we have done in-depth research on it, but because authority figures tell us it is the truth? What if what we believe is just an illusion? — Suzanne Humphries

The past is so reliable, so delightful and the best place to live. — Barry Humphries

It's an old Aboriginal word meaning 'Let's get together and have fun'. They gave us the word because they had no further need for it. — Barry Humphries

Time is of the essence,
The crowd and players
Are the same age always,
But the man in the stand,
Is older every season. — Rolfe Humphries

If you like Girl with Dragon Tattoo and Vampires, this is for you! (Kathi Humphries (Design) on 'ORPHANS - Time is running out' by Ian Dewar) — Kathi Humphries

I don't talk to media or anyone before games. I just put my headphones on, turn up some hip-hop, and get in the zone. — Kris Humphries

On the second night here, the Koreans played and the streets had to be closed down to traffic for half a day before the game. In a remarkable coincidence, everyone came to town wearing the same type of red T-shirt. The Koreans gathered like a huge blob of ketchup and went mad in a quiet, Dufferlike way. You haven't seen crowds until you've seen Korean crowds. They gathered. They cheered in unison. They clapped and exuberated.
Then they tidied up after themselves and went home.
If you ever have to have half-a-million people in your house for a function, make sure they are Koreans. — Tom Humphries

I've decided the secret of parenting is benevolent neglect. — Barry Humphries

I say things other people wish they could say. I don't pick on people - I empower them. — Barry Humphries

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore were friends and the last people I expected would predecease me. They were, in a sense, casualties of fame. — Barry Humphries

[Kim Kardashian] is one of the hardest-working women I've been around ever. — Kris Humphries

My parents were very pleased that I was in the army. The fact that I hated it somehow pleased them even more. — Barry Humphries

Madonna is a creation, so perhaps we should give her and the factory that created her a little credit, but I think that she should quietly disappear now. Poor Madge seems unable to decide whether she wants to look like Marilyn Monroe or Marlene Dietrich. — Barry Humphries

We all, to some extent, reinvent ourselves. Jeffrey (Archer) has just gone to a bit more trouble. — Barry Humphries

Those women with collagen lips just look like frogs - 'muffin mouths,' I call them. There's not a line on their brows, and all the emotion gone from their faces, like all those actresses in 'Desperate Housewives.' — Barry Humphries

The best jokes are often only understood by one other person. — Barry Humphries

I feel like I've cheated. I never knew what to do. I was never a good enough painter to earn a living, and so I drifted into the theatre, and I've had a successful life. I feel guilty that I've never done a day's work in my life! — Barry Humphries

I have got to the point in my life when a lot of people I know have died or are dying, so I realise that somewhere outside the pearly gates is a queue, shuffling nearer and nearer to the celestial box office. — Barry Humphries

Political correctness means nothing to me. Nothing. It's the new Puritanism, darling. Preventing us from expressing ourselves. — Barry Humphries

I think of myself as an actor. The duty of an actor is to be able to impersonate anything - a child, an old man, a tree, a chair, a woman. — Barry Humphries

I think the way I eat is the foundation of my performance. — Kris Humphries

One of the strangest experiences one can have is to sleep on stage, as I once did in Sydney when I'd lost the key to my flat. I had to stay at night in a bed, which conveniently was on stage because my character Sandy Stone did his monologue from a bed. To wake up looking at a shadowy auditorium is a very peculiar feeling. — Barry Humphries

My whole mindset in training is to be explosive and fast, and I try not to get too big and bulky. — Kris Humphries

In Edna, I created a satiric portrait of my hometown of Melbourne, a large provincial English city paradoxically in far Southeast Asia. She's a theatrical figure, related to vaudeville in some respects. She inhabits a world in which there are comparatively few female exponents of comedy. — Barry Humphries