Humorous Marriage Quotes & Sayings

But once more I say do as you please, for we women are born to this burden of being obedient to our husbands, though they be blockheads — Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Romantic love has its place but to define relationship solely in romantic terms is like describing marriage only by what a couple does on their honeymoon. — Dermot Davis

Darcy's hand suddenly rammed angrily into a bowl of fruit and grasped an innocent, unsuspecting orange. "Enough. The woman is demented. Our marriage is simply something to which she must become adjusted. She insulted Elizabeth and her family, and in so doing, she insulted me." With an expression as black as pitch, Darcy commenced to vivisecting the orange. By the time he finished with said orange, it was completely dead, thoroughly dead, with no semblance remaining of its prior orange existence. — Karen V. Wasylowski

Sergeant Colon owed thirty years of happy marriage to the fact that Mrs. Colon worked all day and Sargent Colon worked all night. They communicated by means of notes. They had three grown-up children, all born, Vimes had assumed, as a result of extremely persuasive handwriting. — Terry Pratchett

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids. — Erma Bombeck

Opposities are married. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I was very sorry to hear about your losses. Your brother was a terrible traitor, I know, but if we start killing men at weddings they'll be more frightened of marriage than they are presently. (Olenna Tyrell to Sansa Stark — George R R Martin

Stories of hiding out and near captures abound, including a humorous account of President Wilford Woodruff escaping capture because he was weeding a garden at the Squire home near downtown St. George wearing an oversized "Old Mother Hubbard" dress and bonnet sewn for him by young Sister Emma Squire. She wrote: "Soon after our marriage the president of the Church, Wilford Woodruff, came to live with us. It was the time of the raid, when the Government took the property away from the Mormon people...and they were hunting all the men that had plural wives and putting them in jail. ... We had some neighbors that knew we had someone staying with us, and they were very anxious to [discover] who it was. ... [So] I made [President Woodruff] a Mother Hubbard dress and sun bonnet and...dress[ed] him up ... and disguise[d] him so he could come [and go]. ... We called him Grandma Allen so the people wouldn't know. — Blaine M. Yorgason

You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none. — Oscar Wilde

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.
D'Artagnan Bloodhawke — D'Artagnan Bloodhawke

There is a perfect marriage. Any marriage counselor can tell you that. — Ljupka Cvetanova

He would not object, he said, to accepting a post as a librarian. But as Cecilia was unable to imagine that her father or her brother would feel any marked degree of satisfaction in giving her in marriage to a librarian, this very handsome concession on Mr Fawnhope's part merely added to her despondency. — Georgette Heyer

Love a girl truly
Expectation: Marriage
Reality : Friendzoned — Subhasis Das

There are two secrets to a successful marriage. The first is having a husband who makes you laugh. The second is never telling your husband what you're laughing at. — John Hartnett

In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other's genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they've slid under the table. — Cynthia Heimel

Today was my forty-fifth birthday. Impending old age and a problem marriage were staring me in the face. Not a good place to be. I figured that right now, I had two choices - crawl out of the pit, or wallow and die. To wallow or not to wallow? That was the question. Look at Scarlett O'Hara. Did she cry and whine when Rhett walked out the door not giving a damn? Well, okay, she did. But not for long, I'll bet. Not Scarlett. Same story here, baby, same story here. — Karen Cantwell

The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact. — Stephen Sondheim

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much! — Ljupka Cvetanova

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all. — Matshona Dhliwayo

Tell Jack that after he finishs saving the universe again, he has to take out the trash in the kitchen."
-Rosalind Kirby, one day in 1971 — Mark Evanier

It may have been observed that there is no regular path for getting out
of love as there is for getting in. Some people look upon marriage as a
short cut that way, but it has been known to fail. — Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb. — Julieanne O'Connor

She ran out of her marriage the way a woman can run out of a pair of sandals when she decides to let go and really dash. — Stephen King

First month honey ... Next month pie ... Third month ... Get out here and work, you damn bitch, same as I. — Karen Cecil Smith

ALGERNON. I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
JACK. I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.
ALGERNON. Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven- ... — Oscar Wilde

I walked back by way of the sea-lions' enclosure to refresh my eyes with the King Penguin's perfect ecclesiastical tailoring. He was pacing moodily about as usual, in what one felt to be the interval between a marriage ceremony and a funeral service. Much better, I thought, to have left the 2000 a year to him. No harm would then be done, and what perfect episcopal garden-parties he could give with it! — Edward Verrall Lucas

The last time I was this confused I was watching a Fassbinder film. — Ken O'Neill

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride" ... — Joan Rivers

Before we got married we asked our grandfathers, whose own marriages had lasted forty years or more, "What is the secret to a happy marriage? And they paused, looked down at their chicken salad, and said, 'You really have to like each other. After the attraction, you really have to like the person.'" ... our mothers tolds us ... ask him how his day was. Take an interest in his profession. — TaraShea Nesbit