Humorous Christmas Quotes & Sayings

We are both of us made of the things we have lost. — Kiersten White

Wisdom of the Ages: "Boxing Day" In the UK, the day after Christmas is named after the first activity that takes place between husband and wife after the Christmas receipts are added up. — Matthew D. Heines

I sneak quietly up the stairs and toward my door. It's not very late, but I don't want to arouse Cyclops Eye next door. I've stopped looking as I walk past, but it's difficult not to notice her window open just a few inches and her sitting right next to it, ready at a moment's notice to give me her big one-eyed look. Maybe I should get her a monocle for Christmas, so she can make more of a statement. — J.C. Patrick

Nixon's offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving. — Jacob M. Appel

After using a paint chart from a local DIY superstore to identify the skin tone of his penis as midnight chocolate, Miriam stayed down on one knee and offered him the citizenship he had always wanted and the middle-aged white woman he would grudgingly accept. — David F. Porteous

If I never saw another fistfight or car chase or Doberman attack, I wouldn't have any feeling of loss. And that goes for Rottweilers, too. — Pauline Kael

My voice of reason is always Lola. "You're a jackass."
"You only say that when I'm being your voice of reason."
"Out of my head, witch. And don't piss me off, I tell her. "I'll buy you underwear one size too small for Christmas and make you hate life. — Christina Lauren

Although we cannot change the past, we can stake our claim on it and make it ours. We can know for ourselves where we have been and use that wisdom to build our future. — Ashley Warner

Merry Christmas," said George. "Don't go downstairs for a bit."
"Why not?" said Ron.
"Mum's crying again," said Fred heavily. "Percy sent back his Christmas jumper." [I guess that's a sweater, though my jury is still out on it until I get a future confirmation.]
"Without a not," added George. "Hasn't asked how Dad is or visit him [in the hospital] or anything ... "
"We tried to comfort her," said Fred, moving around the bed to look at Harry's portrait. "Told her Percy's nothing but a humongous pile of rat droppings
"
"
didn't work," said George, helping himself to a Chocolate Frog. "So Lupin took over. Best let him cheer her up before we go down for breakfast, I reckon. — J.K. Rowling

That life can't be escaped and must be faced entirely. — Richard Ford

Ah, but you must have a Christmas uncomplicated by murder. — Agatha Christie

Well you can be sure I'd stop forcing the poor Jews to tart up their humble little temple dedication anniversary into some corn-fed whore of a holiday to compete with our super-slut three-titted Christmas. — Augusten Burroughs

You have heard about the reindeer that pull old Santa's sled.
But mostly I hate Rudolph and wish that he were dead.
With his nose of red which we all know just can't be true.
I wish someone would just kill him, that someone could be you.
He is Santa's favorite and to the front he can be found.
Instead of his red nose, "I" think it should be brown.
He believes that Santa likes him and thinks that he's a winner.
But Santa Claus has other plans he wants Rudolph for his dinner.
Old Saint Nick is greedy this I know without a doubt.
What else do you think happens to all the great toys we go without?
He takes them and he breaks them be cause he doesn't care a bit.
To me it doesn't matter, Why, he can keep his "Schict".
Yes' it's true that I hate Santa too, dressed in his suit of silk.
That's why this year with the homemade cookies,
I'm going to leave some poison milk. — Mark W. Boyer

When I was a child, the temptation to sin was always a romantic option. This romantic option led me to the cinema, a place where sin was welcome. — Harmony Korine

I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas. — Winston Graham

The teenager's room is her cave. It is here she can meet herself, undistracted by the new hassles life is making for her. Here, she can reflect. — Susan Minot

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Nativity" The Son of God was born in a manger-not surprising, have you seen the prices of hotel rooms in Bethlehem? Oy Vay! Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah Peace! — Matthew D. Heines

What's in that pipe that he's smoking? — Arlo Guthrie

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it. — Carroll Bryant