Humorous Cat Quotes & Sayings

...I'm insane, Jorie thought. She saw herself lying in a hospital bed, her wallet and valuables gone. When asked why she got into a car with a woman she didn't know, her reply would land her in the psych ward. Well, you see, I have this fantasy lover because, frankly, they're so much easier to deal with. She never makes a mess, loves my demonic cat, always says the right thing at the right time. I saw this woman, and she was my dream come to life, so I just had to get into the car with her because I'm an idiot... — Robin Alexander

When a Were moves in like that it means they're offering support. Cat and canine weres are very touch-feely and bird Were have a whole elaborate protocol for brush ad flutter. Snake Weres like to get right up into your aura and breather in your face, all but rubbing noses like Eskimos. And let's not even talk about Werespiders. I shivered. — Lilith Saintcrow

I believe that 'love' and 'wrong' are two deeply unrelated words that should never be thrown into the same sentence together. Like 'dessert' and 'broccoli. — Cat Winters

...Here, beast, you shall be the chairman, and mind you call us to order." He leaned forward and dropped the cat on the empty seat. — Winston Graham

Bones didn't share any of my qualms about suddenly holding an arm that wasn't attached to a body anymore. He just grabbed the ghoul by his other arm and began thumping him over the head with the loose limb. I'd heard Bones threaten to beat someone with their own limb before, but I'd always assumed that was a figure of speech. Apparently not. — Jeaniene Frost

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, "You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now! — Leah Broadby

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. — Mike Harding

I doubt you've ever been forced to nonstop bang a woman hyped up on the undead voodoo version of Spanish fly, have you?"
His chuckle was soft. "Can't say that I have, Kitten."
"Yeah, well, consider me an original."
This time, when his lips brushed across my skin, it lasted more than a moment.
"I always have. — Jeaniene Frost

Elvis!" Min shoved herself off the couch to shoo him away. "Stay away from there. There's broken glass."
"He did that on purpose," David said, outraged.
"Yes, David, the cat is plotting against you." Min fished the base out of the water and glass shards and put it on the table. Then she went to get her wastebasket and began to put the glass pieces in it. — Jennifer Crusie

You're not going to let her do this, are you?" Bones snorted. "Let her? Mate, if you think you can control a woman, you must be single - -and a thousand pounds says she beats your arse. — Jeaniene Frost

Bast crouched down and began making weird chittering noises. Uh-oh. She was imitating birds. I'd seen enough cats do this when they were stalking. Suddenly my own obituary flashed in my head: Carter Kane, 14, tragically died in Paris wen he was eaten by his sister's cat, Muffin. — Rick Riordan

I'm like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don't leave. — Michelle M. Pillow

"The duke stopped beside Maddy's chair. He turned to Mr. Pember and in the sort of tone that could command regiments, uttered. "Cat." — Laura Kinsale

Just forget for a minute that you have spectacles on your nose and autumn in your heart. Stop being tough at your desk and stammering with timidity in the presence of people. Imagine for one second that you raise hell in public and stammer on paper. You're a tiger, a lion, a cat. You spend a night with a Russian woman and leave her satisfied. You're twenty five. If rings had been fastened to the earth and sky, you'd have seized them and pulled the sky down to earth — Isaac Babel

6 Reasons Why You Should Be A Cat: 1) Free Food. 2) Free Rent. 3) Sleep As Long As You Want. 4) Look Great With No Effort. 5) Toes Look Like Beans. 6) License to Kill! — Pusheen The Cat

He dragged me back - just in time. A tree had crashed down on to the side walk, just missing us. Poirot stared at it, pale and upset.
"It was a near thing that! But clumsy, all the same - for I had no suspicion - at least hardly any suspicion. Yes, but for my quick eyes, the eyes of a cat, Hercule Poirot might now be crushed out of existence - a terrible calamity for the world. And you, too, mon ami - though that would not be such a national catastrophe."
"Thank you," I said coldly. — Agatha Christie

His eyes, green with yellow sparks, and with elongated pupils like a cat's, made his grandmother gasp and say: 'Jesus! He has the devil's eyes! — Olga Nunez Miret

The Necrotelicomnicon was written by a Klatchian necromancer known to the world as Achmed the Mad, although he preferred to be called Achmed the I Just Get These Headaches. It is said that the book was written in one day after Achmed drank too much of the strange thick Klatchian coffee which doesn't just sober you up, but takes you through sobriety and out the other side, so that you glimpse the real universe beyond the clouds of warm self-delusion that sapient life usually generates around itself to stop it turning into a nutcake. Little is known about his life prior to this event, because the page headed 'About The Author' spontaneously combusted shortly after his death. However, a section headed 'Other Books By the Same Author' indicates that his previous published work was Achmed the I Just Get These Headaches's Book of Humorous Cat Stories, which might explain a lot. — Terry Pratchett