Humor Irony Quotes & Sayings

You are so lost to your higher self that you would resent me for my achievements, rather than celebrate them with me, sexually? — Ayn Rand

I kept finding the same anguish, the same doubt; a self-contempt that neither irony nor intellect seemed able to deflect. Even DuBois's learning and Baldwin's love and Langston's humor eventually succumbed to its corrosive force, each man finally forced to doubt art's redemptive power, each man finally forced to withdraw, one to Africa, one to Europe, one deeper into the bowels of Harlem, but all of them in the same weary flight, all of them exhausted, bitter men, the devil at their heels. — Barack Obama

For I must tell you, gentle reader, that Geralt the Witcher was always a modest, prudent and composed man, with a soul as simple and uncomplicated as the shaft of a halberd. — Andrzej Sapkowski

I don't spend money on books. I write them myself. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I improvise therefore I exist! — Ljupka Cvetanova

Look, Laszlo. I'll have the dentist with me, and I don't want to alarm her any more than necessary. So take Vanna out of the backseat and stick her in the trunk."
Shanna halted. Her mouth dropped open. Her throat seized up, making it hard to breathe.
I don't care how much crap you have in the trunk. We're not driving around with a naked body in the car."
Oh no! She gasped for air. He was a hit man. — Kerrelyn Sparks

The old adage--humor is the best way to make the unbearable bearable--may be true. — Mary Ann Shaffer

I believe that reappropriation can be a powerful tool for creating social change. Sometimes, things like irony, satire, or humor are more effective in getting at difficult truths or concepts like white privilege, orientalism, and the exoticization of culture. — Simon S. Tam

A man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything. — E.A. Bucchianeri

You might as well laugh at yourself,
everyone else is. — B.J. Neblett

There was one floor that was all gynecologists. They could tell by the remnants of weird optical contraptions- all the convoluted tools men use when they're searching for the source of their anxieties. — Carl Watson

The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn't afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he was dead with what looked to me like a broken neck after the ladder had slipped. He'd taken the plunge into his fancy landscaping - complete with rock garden. But hey, his fucking gutters were clean. — Diana Rowland

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped. — Amy Goldman Koss

I suppose longevity requires giving up life's pleasures, one by one, until there's nothing left. — Gary Inbinder

Had just apologized to me. Hell must have been experiencing some climate change. — Patricia Briggs

Ironic, isn't it?" Shawn said.
"It's not ironic at all," Gus said.
"Dude, it's so like a black fly in your chardonnay."
"How many times do I have to tell you that's not ironic, either?"
"Rain on your wedding day?"
"'Irony' is the use of words to convey a meaning that's opposite to their literal meaning," Gus said. "That stupid song came out fourteen years ago, and we still have this exact conversation at least once a week."
"Yeah," Shawn said. "Ironic, isn't it? — William Rabkin

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!
And that thought just cracked me up.]
It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals. — Sherman Alexie

The novel, arguably the author's best, had a disquieting power, like a sleeping crocodile. — Roberto Bolano

Doug returned five minutes later and shook his head. "Sorry kid. She's single, but she doesn't think you're her type. She's into the Goth and vampire scene. You're too mainstream for her." I was sipping a glass of water and nearly choked on it.
"That," said Peter, as soon as Doug was gone, "is what we call irony."
"How is that possible?" exclaimed Cody. "I am a vampire. I should be exactly what she wants."
"Yeah, but you don't look like one," I said. If Gabrielle had been a Trekkie, he might have had a shot tonight. — Richelle Mead

Hey," I said before he could say anything else that would make the mood even weirder or break it entirely. "You wanna grab some coffee or something someday? I mean, some time when I'm not crawling with maggots," I added with a laugh that sounded nervous to my own ears and probably sounded desperate and pathetic to his. I totally braced myself for him to hem and haw and say that he couldn't or had a girlfriend or something. I was shocked instead when he gave me a nod.
"That sounds nice. And I'm cool with the no maggots thing too. — Diana Rowland

The old Televisions had an off switch. — Chris Bachelder

Without an element of vulgarity, no man can be a work of art ... I have to try and think what an artist is, apart from a hooligan who cannot live within his income of praise. — Quentin Crisp

The irony of being ignored by someone is that it means you have been noticed by that person first. Take heart you were seen, and yes they still hate you. However, they will never forget you and will always look over their shoulder to see if your coming their way. — Shannon L. Alder

If Socrates was alive today he would say : I know that I know everything. That's what contemporary philosophers do. — Ljupka Cvetanova

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong. — Terry Pratchett

Good morning!" my partner, Derrel, said in an insanely cheerful voice. "I need my Angel to come out and play. — Diana Rowland

Wrath: look at how their folklore portrays our species. There's Dracula for Christ's sake, an evil bloodsucker who preys on the defenseless. There's piss-poor B movies and porn. And don't get me started on the whole Halloween thing. Plastic fangs. Black capes. The only thing the idiots got right are that we drink blood and that we can't go out in daylight. The rest is bullshit, fabricated to alienate us and stimulate fear in the masses. Or just as offensive, the fiction used to create some kind of mystique for bored humans who think the dark side is a fun place to visit. — J.R. Ward

He sure put things into words good. — S.E. Hinton

In my unfortunately infrequent encounters with real passion, I'm rarely as careful as I ought to be. The rationalization goes something like: With all the bullets and mortar rounds I've survived, I must be immune to sexually transmitted diseases. Stupid, I know. More likely, fate will indulge its taste for irony by killing me with AIDS os some other unpleasant alternative. — Barry Eisler

It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good! — George Carlin

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. — Voltaire

The fuck are you staring at? I hiss at the stranger staring at me in my rearview. Oh, wait, that's me. — Sean Murphy

His boat sank. They were all on his side. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I love Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart because they're bringing irony back into American humor, which is a delicious treat. The entire Colbert persona of being extreme right-wing when he's not at all is highly amusing. He does it so well, but sometimes a little too well. My wife is convinced he's completely that way. — John Lydon

It looked like pieces of bread pudding that had been soaked in raspberry syrup. — Diana Rowland

I couldn't have done 16 months of deployment without a sense of irony. N — Patrick Hennessey

It seems we would rather have a past filled with great scientists than just great artists and writers who could dream up these wonderful and awe-inspiring creations. It's a strange irony: we're spending our time trying to find the truth in our past, but creating myths of ourselves in the present. — Aditya Iyengar

He's crazy," Bruno said, twirling a finger in circles around the side of his head and whistling to indicate just how crazy he thought he was. "He went up to a cat on the street the other day and invited her over for afternoon tea." "What did the cat say?" asked Gretel, who was making a sandwich in the corner of the kitchen. "Nothing." explained Bruno. "It was a cat. — John Boyne

She hadn't listened.she never did.maybe she did deserve to die after all, if nothing else, then just for her sheer stupidity.and for the way she'd treated James too — Elle Aycart

They were all on his side. Hi boat sank. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Yeah, so? I was ignorant, but I'm not a fucking moron. Why would I give the shit to you just so I could buy it back from you later?" I leaned back against the counter. "Hon, you're fucking with the wrong chick. I've been around too many drug dealers to buy into a scheme like that."
He shocked me by bursting out laughing. "Drug dealers? Well, that's an interesting analogy." He shook his head but a sardonic smile stayed on his face. — Diana Rowland

Whoa!" I jerked my hand up to stop him. "Wait, what?" I asked as sick horror shot through me. "You mean, like when the bodies get cut open?"
Delight lit his face. "Yes, you'll be helping with the autopsies. You didn't know that? — Diana Rowland

I'm a survivor, I said. But I didn't think that claim would carry much weight in an obituary. — Tobias Wolff

Either help or give up. Right now devil's advocate is just another name for asshole. — James S.A. Corey

A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. — Ljupka Cvetanova

The smell was like chocolate and cookies and biscuits and gravy and everything else that was delicious. It damn near drove me crazy every time I had to touch one. I'd been fighting the cravings the way I'd never fought the urge to take drugs or get drunk. — Diana Rowland

As soon as he was gone I blew my breath out and leaned back against the wall. Awkward. First the cop who'd arrested me, then the paramedic who'd kept me from accidentally killing myself. I didn't even want to think what a third thing might be. — Diana Rowland

And we'll call you ... hmmm. Pudge."
"Huh?"
"Pudge," the Colonel said. "Because you're skinny. It's called irony, Pudge. Heard of it? Now, let's go get some cigarettes and start this year off right. — John Green

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death. — Terry Pratchett

Phones with numerical keypads worked best for dialing phone calls. Incidentally, phone calls tend to be the primary function of a phone. 'Smartphones' completely ignore these basic facts, resulting in some of the least intelligent devices I've seen yet. Oh the irony. — Ashly Lorenzana

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights) — Elaine Kagan

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country. — David Cross

Whatever doesn't kill them, makes them make reality TV shows ... — Glen Duncan

Three hours ago I was in bed, I thought miserably. I should have stayed there. — Diana Rowland

A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. — Jessamyn West

I'm being ironic. Don't interrupt a man in the midst of being ironic, it's not polite. There! — Ray Bradbury

And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first! — Susan Kay

She had hit rock-bottom. She had given a blow job to a man who for all intents and purposes, was a bum. He had smelled so bad, she forced him to spray on some of the perfume she always carried in her purse. Her favorite perfume. After tonight, she was quitting. Yeah, she'd have to go back home with her two kids, grovel to her mama and work a dead-end job, but anything was better than getting down on your knees to give a guy as disgusting as Lenny a one-off. — A.T. Hicks

I feel no grief for being called something
which
I am not;
in fact, it's enthralling, somehow, like a good
back rub — Charles Bukowski

Anyway, if the Cetagandans really wanted to assassinate you, they'd hardly do it here. They'd slip something subtle under your skin that wouldn't go off for six months, and then would drop you mysteriously and untraceably in your tracks — Lois McMaster Bujold

Whoop-de-do," said Ram.
"What?"
"I'm celebrating."
"Was that irony or loss of mental function?" asked the expendable.
"Was that a rhetorical questions, a bit of humor, or a sign that you are losing confidence in me?"
"I have no confidence in you, Ram," said the expendable.
"Well, thanks."
"You're welcome. — Orson Scott Card

Probably it is impossible for humor to be ever a revolutionary weapon. Candide can do little more than generate irony. — Lionel Trilling

So a sense of humor is not merely a matter of trying to tell jokes or make puns, trying to be funny in a deliberate fashion. It involves seeing the basic irony of the juxtaposition of extremes, so that one is not caught taking them seriously, so that one does not seriously play their game of hope and fear. This is why the experience of the spiritual path is so significant, why the practice of meditation is the most insignificant experience of all. — Chogyam Trungpa

The world had went to hell, but at least I'd have pretty toenails. — Rose Wynters

Doakes had a first name! It was Albert - had anyone ever really called him that? Unthinkable. I had assumed his name was Sergeant. — Jeff Lindsay

All of a sudden it seemed as if I could smell the brain, and not in a oh-how-gross way, but as if someone had taken the lid off a pot of gumbo to let the aroma fill the room. And I knew it was the brain that smelled so utterly enticing - knew it with every single cell of my being.
What the hell was wrong with me? — Diana Rowland

We didn't need light & shade, irony or humor. An iconic Daltrey bellow could convey an extrodinary range of human emotion; withering sadness, self pity, loneliness, abandonment, spiritual desperation, the loss of childhood, as well as the more obvious rage & frustration, joy & triumph. — Pete Townshend

We didn't need light & shade, irony or humor. An iconic Daltrey bellow could convey an extrodinary range of human emotion; withering sadness, self pity, loneliness, abandonment, spiritual desperation, the loss of childhood, as well as the more obvious rage & frustration, joy & triumph. — Pete Townshend

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism. — Criss Jami

The only thing I can recommend at this stage is a sense of humor, an ability to see things in their ridiculous and absurd dimensions, to laugh at others and at ourselves, a sense of irony regarding everything that calls out for parody in this world. In other words, I can only recommend perspective and distance. — Vaclav Havel

I think sometimes people think cheerful is a synonym for dumb, so no one is ever cheerful. — Mindy Kaling

I'm a kindhearted but highly competitive pragmatist. When I seek to win something, I always make certain it's never at the expense of anything more serious than the inadequate efforts of others. — Jonathan Kieran

Jesus ... It sounds like these guys would be filed under Assholes Who do Evil Shit in My Name. — Kevin Hearne

This was a vagrant of sixty-five, who was going to prison for not playing the flute; or, in other words, for begging in the streets, and doing noting for his livelihood. In the next cell, was another man, who was going to the same prison for hawking tin saucepans without a licence; thereby doing something for his living, in defiance of the Stamp-office. — Charles Dickens

So if there is something on the planet that is worth living for, I'd better not miss it, because once you're dead, it's too late for regrets, and if you die by mistake, that is really, really dumb. — Muriel Barbery

A gurgling chuckle came from behind him; Jonas had heard it often enough to know that it signified something as close to laughter as the creature ever got. Yet you believe those things won't come if you serve your Lord? You know what they say about the road to Hell, Judas. — Kaine Andrews

I'm pre-med," he added smugly.
"Okay." I said again. I didn't shrug this time, but his jaw tightened a bit as if he was annoyed that I wasn't displaying the proper amazement at his accomplishment.
"And I'm next in line to be promoted to death investigator." The look he gave me was nothing short of a challenge, and I had to fight to not roll my eyes. What, he expected me to start crowing about my own accomplishments so he could top them? He'd be waiting a long time for that. — Diana Rowland

In the center lay the exploded carcass of a lonely sperm whale that hadn't lived long enough to be disappointed with its lot. — Douglas Adams

I have wit in my work and a sense of humor, but I do not use irony in any way. — John Zorn

Once you hold the hand of Death, the only thing in life that can scare you is a sense of humor. — Lionel Suggs

The book didn't want to be copied?
I should introduce it to the house that doesn't want any occupants. — A.W. Exley

someone like Grace. Someone exactly like Grace, with her Ted Bundy rants
and her calming presence and - hello, irony. — Elle Kennedy

Humor is hard to catch in a second language. Especially when you're as serious a young man as Giovanni. He said to me the other night, 'When you are ironic, I am always behind you. I am slower. It is like you are the lightning and I am the thunder. — Elizabeth Gilbert

Captain Smek himself appeared on television for an official speech to humankind.
[ ... ] 'Noble Savages of Earth,' he said. 'Long time we have tried to live together in peace.' (It had been five months.) 'Long time have the Boov suffered under the hostileness and intolerableness of you people. With sad hearts I now concede that Boov and humans will never to exist as one.'
I remember being really excited at this point. Could I possibly be hearing right? Were the Boov about to leave? I was so stupid.
'And so now I generously grant you Human Preserves - gifts of land that will be for humans forever, never to be taken away again, now.'
[ ... ] So that's when we Americans were given Florida. One state for three hundred million people. There were going to be some serious lines for the bathrooms. — Adam Rex

Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up. — George Saunders

I grabbed my napkin and managed to pretend to sneeze which had the added effect of covering up most of my face which was surely completely beet red with embarrassment at this point. Yeah, I was classy and suave like that. Jesus Christ, Angel, get a grip! — Diana Rowland

My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony. — Maurice Sendak

But one place ain't no different from no place else. People try and make it like everything's new only to find the devil done followed you wherever you moved and all you can do is hold him off whiles you catch your breath — Amina Gautier

Simply put, dramatic irony is when a person makes a harmless remark, and someone else who hears it knows something that makes the remark have a different, and usually unpleasant, meaning. For instance, if you were in a restaurant and said out loud, "I can't wait to eat the veal marsala I ordered," and there were people around who knew that the veal marsala was poisoned and that you would die as soon as you took a bite, your situation would be one of dramatic irony. — Lemony Snicket

I think you'll find that I'm qualified to deal with practically everything, if I choose. That last part, of course, is essential. --Devyn DuChien — Chris Pavesic

The whole damn century would've made more sense backwards. Where we ended is worse than where we began. — Rebecca Makkai

Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas? — Brandi L. Bates

That Jim Crow there in the window," answered the urchin, holding out a cent, and pointing to the gingerbread figure that had attracted his notice, as he loitered along to school; "the one that has not a broken foot. — Nathaniel Hawthorne

All of which does not alter the fact that Pnin was on the wrong train. — Vladimir Nabokov

I know the universe has a sense of irony, and sometimes you get reminded just how sadistic that can be. — Laurell K. Hamilton

Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony. The Black Company pg 447 — Glen Cook

Looking back, retrospectively on the events of that evening, I can see the irony - the shrink whose cat ate his own tail. At the time of the incident, however, humor was not in my emotional repertoire; it was the furthest thing from my mind. — Jacqueline Simon Gunn

Suddenly, she employed those very English weapons: devious good manners and a rapid change of subject. — Patricia Duncker

It's sarcasm, Josh."

"Sarcasm?"

"It's from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren't really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it."

"Well, if the village idiot named it, I'm sure it's a good thing."

"There you go, you got it."

"Got what?"

"Sarcasm."

"No, I meant it."

"Sure you did."

"Is that sarcasm?"

"Irony, I think."

"What's the difference?"

"I haven't the slightest idea."

"So you're being ironic now, right?"

"No, I really don't know."

"Maybe you should ask the idiot."

"Now you've got it."

"What?"

"Sarcasm. — Christopher Moore

They toured the new hospital, the renovated and expanded McVeigh Home, and the (named without apparent irony) Bay View Home for the Blind and Helpless. — Alan Brennert