Quotes & Sayings About Humor

Why should I trust you?" Her eyes narrowed. "All I really know about you is that you're not loyal to your girlfriends, you treat one-night stands like crap, and apparently you've made quite a name for yourself not only in the business world, but also in the bedroom since we last met. — Zoe Forward

An idiotic vitch like you
Must rrroast upon the barbecue! — Roald Dahl

The mind can't delete what the heart won't let go of. — Peggy Toney Horton

Lord love you," Ms. Eulalie said, "but you tell lies like Ms. Franny sings: hard to listen to and even harder to believe. — Kristin Walker

It often happens that we blurt out things that may in some kind of way be harmful to us, but we are silent about things that may make us look ridiculous; because in this case effect follows very quickly on cause. — Arthur Schopenhauer

Like the twig furniture she made, thinking it was going to make us rich, only she's shit with a hammer and nails and the stuff ended up being deadly. You were practically begging for a colonoscopy if you sat on it. — Susan Juby

They're so retarded they think stereotype means typing with both hands. — Poppet

You're of a mind with Mr. Staines.'
'Am I?'
'Yes,' Anna said. 'That is precisely the sort of thing that he would say.'
'Your Mr. Staines is quite the philosopher, Miss Wetherell.'
'Why, Reverend,' Anna said, smiling suddenly, 'I believe you've just paid yourself a compliment. — Eleanor Catton

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want ... — Kristen Schaal

Every jungle creature for fifty or sixty yards started raising holy hell on the what-the-fuck-was-that party line. — Jim Butcher

They watched the rain and downed their Cokes like a pair of diabetics in a suicide pact. — Paco Ignacio Taibo II

Motherhood is a constant battle of wanting to go to bed early so you can catch up on sleep and wanting to stay awake so you can enjoy some peace and sanity! — Tanya Masse

Look, I've been doing this a long time. If I'm honest with you, then yes. The Families could have done both. The car thing is absolutely their style, like you said."

Luc frowned. "But you don't think they did it."

David shook his head. "No. Because you're alive. The Families wouldn't screw up twice." He left, closing the door behind him.

"If that was supposed to make me feel better," Curtis said, "it needed way more puppies. Or something from the chocolate family. — Nathan Burgoine

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." — Mitch Hedberg

Just stay still, if you stay still it can't find you. That's sharks, you idiot. Sharks and dinosaurs. This isn't Jurassic Park. — Kelley Armstrong

The ballgame is over ... in this inning. — Jerry Coleman

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay. — Chris Kyle

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words? — Martin Freeman

I have been definitely influenced more by Latin American writers than by any other type of writer. They are very close in terms of voice - their humor, their fatalism, their ... well, that over-used term 'magical realism.' It's a wonderful term that's just been used so much, we don't know what it means anymore. — Jessica Hagedorn

Casey doesn't trust him."
"Casey doesn't trust anyone," I replied. "He's paranoid like that. I mean, come on, he's a werewolf who installed a nanny cam in his kids' room." I pointed my spoon at Ali for emphasis. "A nanny cam. — Jennifer Lynn Barnes

The bedlamite little hats in which American women have tried to out-lunatic each other for the past four years prove conclusively we don't dress to please anyone. We're just docile sheep who accept what's given us. — Beatrice Fairfax

I hate when I break my own rules. What's the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown? — Jesse Ball

I hung up the phone and tapped it lightly against my chin, then wrapped myself tighter in my giant woolen cardigan and poured another glass of boxed wine - the official drink of emotionally confused women on a budget. — Heather Cocks

A blind ingenuity goes nowhere — Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

One more crack like that, Chatsfield, and you'll have to entertain yourself in your little hideaway.'

Antonio took her hand again and found himself feeling serious as he said, 'Not a chance. You're not escaping now. — Abby Green

Lots of old guys wore beige trench coats and those flat caps that made them look like boys who sold newspapers a hundred years ago. — A.J. Cattapan

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists. — Matshona Dhliwayo

If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contract ...
Rhett — Rowena Cherry

OMG. He's a gift shop, a lamb kebab with mint,/a solar panel poetry machine with biceps. He's the path/through the dark woods, the light on the page, a postcard/from the castle and a one-way ticket there. He's the most/astounding arrangement of molecules ever!/Just look at those tights! An honest-to-God prince at last. — Ron Koertge

Since Dominic's been sleeping with me, the mice have been trying various labels on him, looking for one that fits. My personal favorite was the week they spent calling him the God of Absolutely Never Smiling, No, Not Ever. — Seanan McGuire

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included. — Bernard Manning

You can manicure a cat but can you caticure a man? — John Lennon

Funny thing, employment. If you keep doing it, you keep getting paid. — N.K. Jemisin

Thank you," she whispered, sending up a quick prayer for his continued recovery.
"You're welcome," Marcus murmured.
Honoria let out a little shriek of surprise, jumping back nearly a foot.
"Sorry," he said, but he was laughing.
It was quite the loveliest sound Honoria had ever heard.
"I wasn't thanking you," she said pertly.
"I know." He smiled — Julia Quinn

What do you know about racing? Ronnie asked, curious. He looked fascinated, like a scientist confronted by a strange new species: dontgivadamnus from the phylum couldntcareless. — Karen Chance

People seem to overlook an old man losing his mind if he occasionally made light of it. — Marissa Meyer

All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness. — Tui T. Sutherland

I don't know about this here eternal marriage business. But it seems to me that if you can't live with the sons-of-bitches on earth the Lord won't force you to remain with them in heaven. — J. Golden Kimball

From now on when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I planned to say, Amnesiac. — Sue Monk Kidd

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom. — Ambrose Bierce

Listen, you're not doing God any favors by praying. You're doing yourself a favor. — Art Hochberg

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. — Jim Gaffigan

When Mama starts to move across a room, people pay attention. You can never be sure she's not going to grab you by the top of the head to steady herself. And she's pretty free with that walking stick, too. — Bailey White

Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there. — Joel Hodgson

Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage. — Lois Greiman

Humor, to be comprehensible to anybody, must be built upon a foundation with which he is familiar. If he can't see the foundation the superstructure is to him merely a freak
like the Flatiron building without any visible means of support
something that ought to be arrested. — Mark Twain

Watch it, buster. There's only room for one sarcastic malcontent in this relationship. — Christine Warren

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles — Rodney Dangerfield

I've written for those who want to learn, truly learn, about a community with which they aren't familiar. Or for those who have preconceptions but can admit they may not be entirely accurate (and, in some cases, that they are completely wrong). This means my reader must possess an open mind and a certain level of curiosity. If that's you, proceed to checkout. An uncensored glimpse behind the curtain, hairy backs and all, awaits. — Daniel Stern

Humor has always been important to me. If there is a shield of faith that you can keep up against difficulties, humor is the Teflon coating. — Laurel Lea

I couldn't help but see; I wasn't blind. I couldn't help but admire; I wasn't dead — Lori Handeland

Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better. — Michelle Hodkin

It's about time! It's supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon. — Karen Chance

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson
"Oh, that's just a suggestion. — Si Robertson

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up! — Frankie Boyle

Hope had gone so white, it was a wonder someone didn't accuse her of being a Strigoi. — Richelle Mead

Trades are happening, and I have two players that if they don't get their crap together I'm going to castrate them."

He took in a sharp breath. "Don't castrate my teammates, sweetheart, it will affect how they play. — Toni Aleo

I sank into the chair and checked to see if the charge nurse could see me - not if I didn't lean out too far. The night was looking up! Two patients who ought to sleep all night long, and an Internet connection. How lucky was I? Pretty damn lucky, at least until someone needed a diaper change. — Cassie Alexander

The only thing that's fair about me is the colour of my hair. People should remember that. — James McClure

A word, Sir Jamie. Quickly!"
You may speak freely, Alwyn," Jamie sighed. "You are always making too mcuh of minor incidents."
You're no' going to believe it, Sir Jamie," Alwyn gasped. "But I swear every male Fergusson alive is outside our gate. — Johanna Lindsey

The pants come down. Most look shamefaced, but tha Arthur McBride is not the least bit shy about showing off his equipment, oh no, he isn't. He grins in my direction. 'Not all that impressive, boyo — L.A. Meyer

You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen. — Kristin Cashore

He liked to think of himself as fighting trim. At this point though, he was more like pacifist fat. Or at least he felt that way, stuffed to the gills. — Marie Ferrarella

One day, on tearing off some old bark, I saw two rare beetles, and seized one in each hand. Then I saw a third and new kind, which I could not bear to lose, so I popped the one which I held in my right hand into my mouth. Alas! it ejected some intensely acrid fluid, which burnt my tongue so that I was forced to spit the beetle out, which was lost, as was the third one. — Charles Darwin

Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.
Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shillyshallying with the question is absurd. — Oscar Wilde

There are Indian grandmas who get too much church and Indian grandmas where the church doesn't take, and who are let loose in their old age to shock the young. Zack had one of those last sort. — Louise Erdrich

All pomp and show." Anjali's glare at the house would've exploded bricks if she'd had superhuman powers. "A fat cow needs a big barn. — Nicola Marsh

Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.
Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.
If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.
Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you. — Edna St. Vincent Millay

The British nation is unique in this respect: they are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst. — Winston S. Churchill

Perfect, just what I need this morning, another episode in battle of the wits. — Sonya Bria

They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance — Oscar Wilde

When I was a child there were many witches, and they bewitched both cattle and men, especially children. — Martin Luther

I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
-Calvin — Bill Watterson

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week. — Lewis Black

I'm a survivor, I said. But I didn't think that claim would carry much weight in an obituary. — Tobias Wolff

But now he felt as if the whole world were tipping backwards over his head, and this, he couldn't help feeling, was a very worrying thing for the world to do. — Douglas Adams

What do people think about my staying with Harrison with him chasing everything that's hot and hollow? — Dashiell Hammett

Anything happening," she whispered.
"Aside from you blundering about like a lost elephant?" he asked, in the same low tone.
She nodded, accepting the rebuke. "Aside from that. — John Flanagan

If there were a Jessica Chase instruction manual, it would be written backwards in Arabic Pig Latin and twelve thousand pages long with random pages missing. — Olivia Cunning

A gleam of humor flickered in those obsidian eyes. I should warn you, Hannah: when we meet at Stony Cross Park, take care to avoid the mistletoe. For both our sakes. — Lisa Kleypas

I broke my arm in 3 places so I wont be going back to those places. — Jim Rose

He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice. — Neal Stephenson

The older you get, the longer ago everything happened.

- Jason's Fifth Law — Jason Dias

Why don't you find out for yourself?
Then you'll see the glass, hidden in the grass. — Morrissey

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say. — Will Cuppy

Protect your brand - and your ass. — Jesse Petersen

She wears those old fashioned pj's like body armour. Going to bed these days is like wresting with Kevlar. — Poppet

You've met our guards." He gestured at the silent cylindrical guide. "The secret warriors: the binja. — China Mieville

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!" — Mitch Hedberg

Like climbing a cliff, thinking is a perilous activity for those unused to it. — Orson Scott Card

I love it when you talk dirty physics. — Rachel Caine

Clearly, I'm a genius at picking boyfriends. In my defense, have you seen what there is to choose from? The sea is big, but the fish are scraggly, immature, and obsessed with video games. — Nicole Christie

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto! — Stephen Colbert

Yup," Heather replied. "Some jackass tries to prick me and I'm gonna prick him right back! Leave the bottle, bucko. Save ya a trip. — Jacob D. Lochner

You know, it really doesn't matter what (the media) write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass. — Donald J. Trump

Everyone is a fuckin' Napoleon. — Ani DiFranco

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Zoroastrianism? Oh, there's never been but a few hundred thousand of them at any one time, mostly located in Iran and India, but that's it. The one true faith. If you're not a Zoroastrian, I'm afraid you are bound for Hell."
The man looked stunned and shocked. "It's not fair."
The demon gave a mirthful laugh. "Well, it was fair when you were sending all the Chinese to Hell who had never heard of Jesus. Wasn't it? — Steven L. Peck

I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women. — Louis C.K.

It looks like an asylum landed here," Andrew quipped, poking his head out of Oliver's pocket. "Ooh, I spot an ass-shaped tent."
"What? Seriously?" Sophie said, surprised. However, she was quick to look away. "Oh. You meant that kind of ass. Jeez, Andrew. — Zeinab Alayan