Hilarious Humor Quotes & Sayings

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I'd seen. Then I'd lived on the sun with aliens. — Cora Carmack

Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!'
Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back. — Derek Landy

She pushed the car. But I was so distracted that i forgot to push the button on the timer, so we had to do the whole thing again. Which Lindsey found hilarious. "Ok" she said. "Are you ready NOW, or do we have to send you back to Button Pushing one-oh-one?" "Um, what's Button Pushing One-oh-one?" I was wearing a button down shirt that day. Lindsey reached out and poked one of the buttons into my chest. "There, that's how you push a button. Any questions? — Jordan Sonnenblick

So I'm over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots ... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me ... 'Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation crime is horrible here, too.' ... Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article - front page of the paper - one day, in England: 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.' Wooooo ... 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight. — Bill Hicks

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it's too crowded. — Sol Luckman

Call laughed bitterly. "So you didn't come near me because you didn't want to blow my cover, and all that time, I didn't even know I had a cover? That's freaking hilarious."
"I see nothing amusing about it." Master Joseph didn't change expression. — Cassandra Clare

There is no way I'm going out in public like this!
It seemed while I was being tormented at the salon, Bones had been out shopping. I didn't ask where he got the money from, images of old folks with their necks bleeding and their wallets missing dancing in my head. There were boots, earrings, push-up bras, skirts, and something he swore to me were dresses but only looked like pieces of dresses. — Jeaniene Frost

A million dollars? A bit much don't you think?"
"Fuck you."
Caleb smiled, the self indulgent little shit. "My apologies," he mocked with a slight forward bow, "What I meant to say is: no pussy's that good. Though yours does come close. — C.J. Roberts

You tried to kill me. Don't think we won't be telling that story to our kids someday," David said.
"Kids?" she asked, feeling breathless.
"You heard me," he said, eyes intent. "At least three of them. I figure as soon as we're married we should get started on that first one."
"Okay," she said, voice shaking.
"Glad that's settled. When we get back to Prague I'll get you a ring."
"Okay," she said again, her heart soaring.
"I'm going to sleep now, I think."
"You do that. — Debbie Viguie

I'm twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I'm the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all. — H.J. Bellus

The most hilarious person ever is God — Alzenati Zenati

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

At the risk of appearing disingenuous, I don't really think of myself as 'writing humor.' I'm simply reporting on the world I observe, which is frequently hilarious. — Richard Russo

That shower thing was hilarious," he said when I finished.
"It was irresponsible! Why can't anyone see that?"
"But that bitch had it coming. — Richelle Mead

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. — Carroll Bryant

Hello, Bradley,' said Mom. She'd regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. 'Stand close.'
'No, Mom,' I said. 'No pictures.'
'But you're friend's here now,' she said, waving us together. 'Smile!'
'I don't need a picture with-' the flash snapped '-another guy. That's great, Mom, thank you. Send that one to Dad and tell him we're going steady. — Dan Wells

Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Clary made fun of him about his new look; but, then, Clary found everything about Simon's love life borderline hilarious. — Cassandra Clare

Shut up," I snapped. "This is not the time. What part of this situation seems like a joke to you?"
Lohka pulled up his knees, giving a feeble, half-manic little laugh. "Oh, maybe just the idea that some soul-devouring being of chaos could be waiting anywhere to finish destroying my life," he said. "That's kind of hilarious, you know. Have you ever had a soul-devouring being of chaos hunting you down so it could finish eating you?"
"No," I said. "I'm sorry, Lohka."
"That's nice," he muttered.
"What about the part where this soul-devouring being of chaos seems to have a taste for me at the moment?" Zhabyr asked. "Can we worry about that, now? Because I kind of already am. — J. Leigh Bralick

You! You tricked me! I never want to see you or that bottle of liquid arsenic again!"
I chucked the empty moonshine jug at him. Or tried to. It missed him by a dozen feet.
He picked it up in astonishment. "You drank the whole bloody thing? You were only supposed to have a few sips!"
"Did you say that? Did you?" He reached me just as I felt the ground tip. "Didn't say anything. I've got those names, so that's all that matters, but you men ... you're all alike. Alive, dead, undead - all perverts! I had a drunken pervert in my pants! Do you know how unsanitary that is?"
Bones held me upright. I would have protested, but I couldn't remember how to. "What are you saying?"
"Winston poltergeisted my panties, that's what!" I announced with a loud hiccup.
"Why, you scurvy, lecherous spook!" Bones yelled in the direction of the cemetery. "If my pipes still worked, I'd go right back there and piss on your grave! — Jeaniene Frost

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger. — Derek Landy

She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it. — Kayti McGee

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so yourself."
"Too proud to crawl?" Kelsier said. "Nosense! Why, I'd say that we Mistborn are too proud not to be humble enough to go crawling about--in a dignified manner, of course."
Dockson frowned, approaching the desk. "Kell, that didn't make any sense."
"We Mistborn need not make sense. — Brandon Sanderson

Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues. — Thisuri Wanniarachchi

Hmmm ... that's interesting."
"What?"
"There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun. — Derek Landy

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks. — A.P.

Rod Cockshutt, Professor Emeritus at N.C. State University called my book, Evidence of Insanity, "an extraordinary achievement" and told me to not change the last 10-15 pages no matter what. — Carol Piner

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God's gift to Women - Griffin — S.C. Stephens

Connor and Cameron look wide-eyed at the carnage. Cameron slowed the speedboat down to a crawl. She and Connor looked at Jason.
"Oops," Jason said meekly. Nothing else seemed appropriate.
"Oops?" Connor shouted. "You blew up half the town. — Mark A. Cooper

I want you back, Annabelle." This time my laughter is full of nothing but genuine humor. It's that 'oh my god, I can't believe that' kind of humor. I lean forward and put my face in my palms, still laughing. "Holy crap," I say in-between laughs, "that's hilarious." I peek up at him to see his disgruntled expression and then bust up laughing again. "I'm serious," he grunts out, looking cute in his exasperation, damn him. Not done, I hold up a hand. "Oh, oh, wait. Just let me go get my gun so you can shoot me again. Of course I want to get back together with you, Gabriel." Putting on a serious face, I say earnestly, "He shoots me because he loves me. — April Brookshire

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we've found ways to amuse ourselves."
"Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"
Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."
He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.
They both let go, laughing.
"Naw," Plight said," we just play board games. — Derek Landy

I have chiseled features. Look. Look how chiseled they are. And my teeth are at least as white as his. You seriously think he's good-lookin'?"
"I do," said Tanith.
"Right," Sanguine said and nodded. "I'm gonna kill him."
She kept her laugh soft so it wouldn't travel. "I think he's good-looking, but I think you're better looking."
"Oh," Sanguine said. "I mean, yeah. I am. I'm glad you noticed. — Derek Landy

Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."
I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk.
"They're for you."
"You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous? — Holly Black

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said. — Dave Matthes

I've always been a monster,' Scapegrace told her, 'but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.'
'You smell terrible.'
'That's the smell of evil.'
'It's like rancid meat and bad eggs.'
'Evil, Scapegrace insisted. — Derek Landy

Davey Boy's Dead was given a new lease on life when doctors transplanted the Dynamite Kidney into his body. That new lease on life came to a sudden and rather hilarious end when the Dynamite Kidney exploded and tore a hole in Davey Boy's side. - The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Zombies — Darrin Mason

It wasn't enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital. — Wes Locher

It me birthday and nobody came ... Bigfoot decide do something nice for self for big day and sneak in they house at night and pick out own present and blow out flickering candle of life in they brains. Make a wish, jerks.
— Graham Roumieu

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my turn, you know? You're not part of the team if you haven't been tortured- that's what I always say. Well, I'll be saying that from now on anyway. — Derek Landy

Ah, mistress, you're an angel. Sure there's not a drop left? I might have remembered one more person ... ."
"Up yours," I said rudely with another belch. "It's empty. You should tell me the name anyway, after making me drink all that sewage."
Winston gave me a devious smile. "Come back with a full bottle and I will."
"Selfish spook," I mumbled, and staggered away.
I'd made it a few feet when I felt that distinct pins-and-needles sensation again, only this time it wasn't in my throat.
"Hey!"
I looked down in time to see Winston's grinning, transparent form fly out of my pants. He was chuckling even as I smacked at myself and hopped up and down furiously.
"Drunken filthy pig!" I spat. "Bastard!"
"And a good eve'in' to you, too, mistress!" he called out, his edges starting to blur and fade. "Come back soon!"
"I hope worms shit on your corpse!" was my reply. A ghost had just gotten to third base with me. Could I sink any lower? — Jeaniene Frost

John shrugged. "It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep."
Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. "Really? I would have thought you'd prefer such a woman,considering your difficulty with polite conversation."
"Touche, my lady. I cede this round to you. — Julia Quinn

Daddy was hilarious. He could take the most mundane event and tell it so that we all on the floor laughing. He trained me in the joys of humor. — Karen DeCrow

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

What's a Dullahan?'
'He's a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.'
'Headless?'
'Yes.'
'Seriously?'
'Yes.'
'So he has no head?'
'That's usually what headless means.'
'No head at all?'
'You're really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren't you?'
'It's just kind of silly, even for us.'
'Yet you spend your days with a living skeleton.'
'But at least he has a head.'
'True.'
'He even has a spare. — Derek Landy

There is a relationship between humor and fear. Think of all the gags you ever heard that have to do with dismemberment, or something that's horrible in one way or another, even if it's just horrible in the sense that somebody's being embarrassed. What do kids laugh at? Kids laugh if your fly's down. That's hilarious. But for the kid whose fly is down, it's a horrible situation. — Stephen King

Rape humor is designed to remind women that they are still not quite equal. Just as their bodies and reproductive freedom are open to legislation and public discourse, so are their other issues. When women respond negatively to misogynistic or rape humor, they are "sensitive" and branded as "feminist," a word that has, as of late, become a catchall term for "woman who does not tolerate bullshit." Perhaps rape jokes are funny, but I cannot fathom how. Humor is subjective, but is it that subjective? I don't have it in me to find rape jokes funny or to tolerate them in any way. It's too close a topic. Rape is many things - humiliating, degrading, physically and emotionally painful, exhausting, irritating, and sometimes, it is even banal. It is rarely funny for most women. There are not enough years in this lifetime to create the kind of distance where I could laugh and say, "That one time when I was gang-raped was totally hilarious, a real laugh riot. — Anonymous

There's a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It's so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over all night trying to start a fire only to finally succeed just to have your beard go up in flames? No aloe vera back then. — Ari Gold

I'm a huge fan of Steve Martin. He's hilarious, but he has this depth to him and this way of dealing with the difficult things in life with a sense of humor that I think has helped me as an actress. — Alexandra Daddario

I have an oddball sense of humor. So when there was an episode at a comic book convention-of course they end up having Lois dress up all sexy and stuff-but really what I would dress up like is a Stormtrooper. That's what I'd do, because it's hilarious, and who doesn't want to be that at some point, right? So then they made something out of that. — Erica Durance

She's like a cross between an onion and donkey," Farah said.
"Why?" Jason and Connor asked simultaneously.
"Cause she's a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye." Farah laughed. — Mark A. Cooper

Oh, hey, kettle, I'm pot and wow, you're black." - Owen — Olivia Cunning

That being said, some of my favorite poets are extremely funny. The aforementioned Matt Rohrer, for instance. Mary Ruefle. James Tate might be the best example of someone who is systematically misread because he can be hilarious. In his poems, as in all great funny poems, the humor is one very appealing version of the surprise and associative movement that is at the heart of all poetry. — Matthew Zapruder

June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them. — Rick Riordan

Smiles are a funny thing
and laughter is hilarious.
I smile sometimes
when I am delirious. — Casey Renee Kiser

Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is ... beastly. — Victoria Scott

Every Brit I met had the best sense of humor. They're hilarious: very dry and witty. — Merritt Patterson

Maybe I don't have the same sense of humor. Maybe people aren't comfortable gauging a painting that way. They think that if it's a painting then it must be serious. I think Picasso can be hilarious, to name one example. — Joe Bradley

But I think frustration is hilarious. One of my missions is to bring humor into fine art. It's sacred. — Wayne White

Forget I ever referred to my mother and screwing in the same sentence. That's just ... wrong. On so many levels. — Emma Chase

The majority of boys think the highest form of creativity is weeing a pattern into snow. — Beth Garrod

As for the comparatively small class of violent crimes against persons, unconnected with any idea of gain, they were almost wholly confined, even in your day, to the ignorant and bestial; and in these days, when education and good manners are not the monopoly of a few, but universal, such atrocities are scarcely ever heard of. — Edward Bellamy

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM! — Rick Riordan

Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Don't threaten me with a good time. — Michael Anthony

I think Damien Hirst is hilarious. And I think he's a true artist. He's not hilarious first; I think he is a real artist, and I also think he's got an amazing sense of humor. — Jemima Kirke

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. — Chelsea Handler

- Why did blondes vote for Clinton?
- They didn't know how to read and thought she can make their life hilarious! — Bryanna Reid

I don't think that I could have survived in my family without a naughty sense of humor; yeah, absolutely. I think my brother and I both get our senses of humor from our parents. I mean, my mother was absolutely hilarious and foul. She had the most ridiculously off color sense of humor, so that was sort of what we grew up with. — Rachael MacFarlane

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability."
"Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora.
"I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field."
She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?"
"And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't. — Derek Landy

Sei: The Kudzu snacks were so good I had two and a half bowls but seeing you eat 16 and a half bowls was disgusting. I sriously considered killing you.
Okita: You're horrible! Besides then I'd bleed Kudzu snacks!
Sei: NOO! STOP!!! I CAN SEE IT!! I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES!! — Taeko Watanabe

Brian's face broke out in a wide grin as he slapped Roarke on the back. "That's a woman, isn't it?"
"Delicate as a rose, my Eve. Fragile and quiet natured." He grinned himself when he heard her curse, loud and vicious. "A voice like a flute."
"And you're sloppy in love with her."
"Pitifully. — J.D. Robb

There once was a man from Des Moines
Whose wife was always annoyed
He stepped in the kitchen
She started her bitchin'
Now that fucking cunt is dead. — Frances Winkler

From the opening lines, Sleeping with Schubert is a hilarious, whimsical romp through the looking glass of a great musical mystery. The writing snaps, crackles, and pops with humor as Bonnie Marson makes Schubert a sexy, happening kind of guy who gives new meaning to our dreaming the impossible. — Jonis Agee

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. — Bill Burr

But as of this past month, I think something terrifying is happening to me'
'Oh?' I said, matching her pitch.
'Yeah.' She nodded solemnly at the road. 'I'm not sure yet, but I think, I think, I might be a Belieber now'
I clutched at my heart. 'Good God'
'His stuff is just so on point these days, what am I supposed to do? Not listen to it? Not sing along? I'm only human, Soph. A beautiful, hilarious, intelligent human'. — Catherine Doyle

Royal Young has accomplished a rare feat in his fresh and riveting debut: he manages to recount his fascinating youth and unconventional family with a mixture of humor, scathing honesty and tenderness. Much more than simply a book about a kid who dreams of stardom, Fame Shark is a thoughtful, hilarious and moving love letter to his family and the Lower East Side of New York City. — Kristen Johnston

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson
"Oh, that's just a suggestion. — Si Robertson

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious! — Doug Stanhope

Bombs Away!" he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. "And a direct hit, if I'm not mistaken," he observed to himself. With a tremendous slapping sound, Ffup's digestive overload landed on a human target. There was a scream, a ghastly choking sound, and then silence. — Debi Gliori

Chubi, rhymes with booby, which you don't have, or doodie, which your face looks like, she said smugly, leaning back and making her chair squeak. — Kim Harrison

The expected battle hadn't taken place, yet something else had. Images of the entertainment which had just gone down were already coming back into Rat's head. It had been wonderful to watch, unbelievably wonderful, the enactment of several plays at once on a single stage, and Rat was sorry it was over, but in a way it was even better to relive it now in the privacy of his mind. He hadn't believed the boy-doctor and that stuff about the condom being used or warm, but he had gone along with it and the emotion which it powered. Everybody had. The emotion was the most important thing. He wondered how he could ever put such a chaotic, hilarious, sad thing down on paper, organise it into scenes or verses and fix his own pewiod at the end. He could never do it justice. He would never get that emotion back. — Graham Spaid

I always tried not to be too mean, but my problem is that the people I tend to find hilarious don't usually have senses of humor. So interacting with them is a little bit of an awkward engagement, because I can't really make them laugh, on top of which I've been doing an impression of them. — Ana Gasteyer

So, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!! — Brian Regan

Come on sweetheart, wet your whistle, my little inanimate hussy." ~Steve — Lucian Bane

Honestly, I'm one of the ones who is least like my character, just because I like to make people laugh and have a good time-and be kind of fun and silly. Jake is very composed, has his guard up, and is a bit damaged. [But] Cory Monteith is pretty much like Finn. I think they both kind of have that goofy sense of humor. Cory is so hilarious in his everyday life, just like Finn is. — Jacob Artist

Kelsier rapped lightly on the door, and Dockson strolled over, pulling it open.
"And he makes his stunning entry!" Kelsier announced, sweeping into the room, throwing back his mistcloak.
Dockson snorted, shutting the doors. "You're truly a wonder to behold, Kell. Particularly the soot stains on your knees. — Brandon Sanderson

When you exclude anything that is improbable, whatever is left, is not as hilarious. — Oleg Medvedkov

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. — Lex Martin

I'm almost finished," said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.
"I never doubted you for a moment," said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. "I actually doubted him the whole time. He's really not very good."
Wilhelm turned. "I'm standing right in front of you. I can hear literally every sound you make."
"Wilhelm, please," said Vex, "this is a private conversation. — Derek Landy