A high-level government agent was arrested today for selling secrets to Russia. They now have all of the exact locations of our back-to-school headquarters. — David Letterman
When I was a freshman in high school, I got a letterman jacket, which you'd think would be great stock. The jacket had the big S on it, for Santa Monica. But rather than having a football or a baseball on the S, I had a little nine iron. Girls thought it was a flute. — Carson Daly