Henny Quotes & Sayings

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are. — Henny Youngman

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. — Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. — Henny Youngman

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. — Henny Youngman

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess. — Henny Youngman

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!" — Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. — Henny Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998) — Henny Youngman

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it. — Henny Youngman

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! — Henny Youngman

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them. — Henny Youngman

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. — Henny Youngman

If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late — Henny Youngman

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow. — Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. — Henny Youngman

My dad loved comedians, especially George Jessel, and he loved Henny Youngman and Buddy Hackett. — Al Franken

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. — Henny Youngman

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. — Henny Youngman

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? — Henny Youngman

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange. — Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. — Henny Youngman

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman

The more I think of you, the less I think of you. — Henny Youngman

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. — Henny Youngman

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? — Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. — Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. — Henny Youngman

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! — Henny Youngman

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing. — Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00. — Henny Youngman

Mick required far less hand-holding than Michael. Signing the Stones, though, had required a full frontal assault worthy of General Patton, one of my heroes. The final battle exploded at the Ritz Hotel in Paris back in '83. After months of relentless pursuit, I had them. All they had to do was sign when suddenly at 3 A.M. Mick goes mental and calls me a "stupid motherfuckin' record executive." I lose it. I reach for his throat. I have a vision of punching out all ninety-eight pounds of him. I stop myself, envisioning tomorrow's headline - "Yetnikoff Kills Jagger." Jagger relents, signs and from then on it's wine and roses. It was Mick - wily and witty Mick - who later that year plotted with my girlfriend, the one called Boom Boom, to throw me a surprise fiftieth birthday bash where Henny Youngman emceed and Jon Peters, Barbra — Walter Yetnikoff

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. — Henny Youngman

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters. — Henny Youngman

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" — Henny Youngman

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him. — Henny Youngman

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" — Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. — Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. — Henny Youngman

I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today. — Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. — Henny Youngman

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. — Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman

This man dresses like an unmade bed. — Henny Youngman

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!" — Henny Youngman

We aim to please ... You aim too, please. — Henny Youngman

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. — Henny Youngman

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." — Henny Youngman

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!" — Henny Youngman

Are you married? What do you do for agravation? — Henny Youngman

I miss my wife's cooking, as often as I can — Henny Youngman

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday. — Henny Youngman

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. — Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" — Henny Youngman

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying. — Henny Youngman

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" — Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. — Henny Youngman

What is a home without children? Quiet. — Henny Youngman

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. — Henny Youngman

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' — Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. — Henny Youngman

Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls? — Henny Youngman

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want! — Henny Youngman

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. — Henny Youngman

The story [Henny-Penny] has the best opening in all literature-"The sky is falling," cried Henny-Penny, "and a piece of it fell on my tail. — John Steinbeck

She has a wash and wear bridal gown. — Henny Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started. — Henny Youngman

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? — Henny Youngman

What, you didn't pack your lunch?" Ty asked sarcastically as he
shifted around in the seat and wedged himself against the door. He kicked a
foot up and propped it on the console between the two front seats.
"Sure, in my SpongeBob SquarePants lunch box. I have the thermos,
too," Morrison shot right back.
Zane kept his mouth shut, eyes moving between the two men, and
occasionally back to the driver, who was casually paying attention.
Ty stared at the kid and narrowed his eyes further. "Spongewhat?" he
asked flatly.
Zane didn't even try to hold back the chuckle when Morrison looked
at Ty like he'd lost his mind.
"Spongewha ... you're yanking my chain, aren't you?" Morrison
said. "Henny, he's yanking my chain."
"Yeah, well, that's what you getting for waving it in his face," the
driver answered reasonably.
"What the hell is a SpongeBob?" Ty asked Zane quietly in the
backseat. — Madeleine Urban

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair? — Henny Youngman

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo. — Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. — Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. — Henny Youngman

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." — Henny Youngman

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner ... " — Henny Youngman

Old teachers never die, they just grade away. — Henny Youngman

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. — Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. — Henny Youngman

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail. — Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. — Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. — Henny Youngman

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. — Henny Youngman

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. — Henny Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. — Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. — Henny Youngman

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!" — Henny Youngman

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. — Henny Youngman

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement. — Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! — Henny Youngman

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. — Henny Youngman

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in? — Henny Youngman