Handler Chelsea Quotes & Sayings

You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them. — Chelsea Handler

I'd like to go out for a cocktail ... or seven. — Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor. — Chelsea Handler

I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities. — Chelsea Handler

I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it. — Chelsea Handler

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever. — Chelsea Handler

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time. — Chelsea Handler

I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates ... It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life. — Chelsea Handler

My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely. — Chelsea Handler

You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer. — Chelsea Handler

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea — Chelsea Handler

Personally, I felt terrible for telling Truth my name was Schnitzeldoodle. I still think about it. Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, You've offended so many people at this point. Don't try to keep track now, girl. — Chelsea Handler

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating. — Chelsea Handler

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby. — Chelsea Handler

I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television. — Chelsea Handler

Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure. — Chelsea Handler

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home. — Chelsea Handler

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh. — Chelsea Handler

I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor. — Chelsea Handler

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around. — Chelsea Handler

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes. — Chelsea Handler

My life and my legs have been an open book. — Chelsea Handler

Angelina Jolie's older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it's not that weird. After all, he could be the father. — Chelsea Handler

E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas ... everything they do just is a failure. — Chelsea Handler

I don't have a lot of shame. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad about the way someone reacts to me or about something I read about myself online. But I don't have a lot of guilt, no. I've always been this way. I'm missing a chip. — Chelsea Handler

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life. — Chelsea Handler

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU — Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. — Chelsea Handler

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka. — Chelsea Handler

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it ... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her. — Chelsea Handler

Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with. — Chelsea Handler

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. — Chelsea Handler

I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable. — Chelsea Handler

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all. — Chelsea Handler

I wasn't like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent ... ' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him. — Chelsea Handler

When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America. — Chelsea Handler

I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job. — Chelsea Handler

Some of the best sex I can barely remember. — Chelsea Handler

Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural. — Chelsea Handler

George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas? — Chelsea Handler

Women don't have to be jealous of other women. — Chelsea Handler

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life. — Chelsea Handler

According to an article on CNN, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it's from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters ... if their sister is Angelina Jolie. — Chelsea Handler

I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything — Chelsea Handler

I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me. — Chelsea Handler

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem. — Chelsea Handler

I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online. — Chelsea Handler

This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest. — Chelsea Handler

I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness ... I mean, it helps. — Chelsea Handler

She was a hippie teacher who worked in the Peace Corps in Nepal and had hairy underarms. Fucking gross. And that's just concerning the Peace Corps. Brad Wollack — Chelsea Handler

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen. — Chelsea Handler

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever. — Chelsea Handler

We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? — Chelsea Handler

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception. — Chelsea Handler

Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.' — Chelsea Handler

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense. — Chelsea Handler

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there. — Chelsea Handler

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. — Chelsea Handler

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican. — Chelsea Handler

We were greeted by a dark-skinned man who introduced himself as Truth. We introduced ourselves as Honesty, Happiness, Honor, Witness, Serengeti , and Schnitzeldoodle. We didn't find out until later, when we met our tracker called Life, that Truth wasn't joking with us about his name. — Chelsea Handler

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it. — Chelsea Handler

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four. — Chelsea Handler

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them. — Chelsea Handler

A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it. — Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. — Chelsea Handler

I tried to think of a worse experience I had had in my life, and all I could come up with was a James Franco art exhibit. — Chelsea Handler

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels. — Chelsea Handler

I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it? — Chelsea Handler

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50. — Chelsea Handler

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal. — Chelsea Handler

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism. — Chelsea Handler

I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little. — Chelsea Handler

I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life. — Chelsea Handler

The face of an angel, the mind of a devil, and a heart of gold. — Chelsea Handler

I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate. — Chelsea Handler

Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters. — Chelsea Handler

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one. — Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. — Chelsea Handler

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. — Chelsea Handler

People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore. — Chelsea Handler

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.
I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating someone only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, is into anal beads and duct tape. — Chelsea Handler

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute! — Chelsea Handler

Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?' — Chelsea Handler

Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life. — Chelsea Handler

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned. — Chelsea Handler

I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka. — Chelsea Handler

I don't cook ... I don't know how to clean ... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic. — Chelsea Handler

There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating. — Chelsea Handler

If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't. — Chelsea Handler

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor'
always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own. — Chelsea Handler

My father has a high opinion of his opinion — Chelsea Handler

I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job. — Chelsea Handler

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear. — Chelsea Handler

I'll tell you what can make bacon better ... nothing. — Chelsea Handler

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age ... and you have your own TV show. — Chelsea Handler

I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me. — Chelsea Handler

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you. — Chelsea Handler

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost. — Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. — Chelsea Handler

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. — Chelsea Handler