George Carlin Best Quotes & Sayings

I was a huge fan of comedy and movies and TV growing up, and I was able to memorize and mimic a lot of things, not realizing that that meant I probably wanted to be an actor. I just really, really amused myself and my friends with memorizing entire George Carlin or Steve Martin albums. — Hank Azaria

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't ... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe ... same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same ... so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself ... — George Carlin

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. — George Carlin

More people write poetry than read it. — George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. — George Carlin

All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach. — George Carlin

Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country. — George Carlin

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. — George Carlin

Religion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes. And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet. — George Carlin

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down. — George Carlin

Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. — George Carlin

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best. — George Carlin

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? — George Carlin

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me. — George Carlin

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash. — George Carlin

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. — George Carlin

Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing ... you're doing hard work. — George Carlin

What was the best thing before sliced bread? — George Carlin

Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us. — George Carlin

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out. — George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept. — George Carlin

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change. — George Carlin

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. — George Carlin

Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control people's language with strict codes and rigid rules. I'm not sure that's the way to fight discrimination. I'm not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech. — George Carlin

I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet. — George Carlin

It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it. — George Carlin

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks. — George Carlin

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. — George Carlin

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. — George Carlin

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. — George Carlin

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with. — George Carlin

Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful! — George Carlin

The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you. — George Carlin

George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, most gifted stand-up comedian who will ever live. — Denis Leary

One of the reasons I always looked up to [George] Carlin is he looked like your grandfather but, acted like your best friend. Most of the adults in my world were adults and acted like adults and had job-type jobs and bills and pressures and stopped playing a long time ago. And George Carlin was a guy that the more he aged the younger he seemed. It was odd because he was still sagely and wise. But he was such a role model for me. — Kevin Smith

At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure — George Carlin

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic. — George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. — George Carlin

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. — George Carlin

Life is a near-death experience. — George Carlin

I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I don't belong to it. When you "belong" to something. You want to think about that word, "belong." People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don't care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can't quite pin down. — George Carlin

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that." — George Carlin

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization. — George Carlin

I use the [vulgar] words because apparently these words do not corrupt morally. I'm from the street in New York, hung around in a tough neighborhood. It was common to curse, you make your point. It's a very effective language. I try not to overdo it. It's never to shock. I know where it fits, it's never to shock. There's no shock value left in words. — George Carlin

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath. — George Carlin

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. — George Carlin

We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought. — George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin

The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything. — George Carlin

Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected. — George Carlin

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. — George Carlin

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. — George Carlin

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites? — George Carlin

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. — George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. — George Carlin

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear. — George Carlin

Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. — George Carlin

When it comes to BULLSHIT ... BIG-TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE BULLSHIT ... you have to stand IN AWE, IN AWE of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. — George Carlin

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. — George Carlin

When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion ... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. — George Carlin

Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!' — George Carlin