Gaffigan Hot Quotes & Sayings

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan

I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times ... I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed. — Jim Gaffigan

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.' — Jim Gaffigan

Have you ever noticed that the children's menu is exactly the same as the bar menu? Burger, hot dog, pizza. If you put the children's menu at the bar, people wouldn't even notice. Oh, cool. I can color in an airplane while I drink this beer and wait for my chicken strips. — Jim Gaffigan

Often on the menu, oysters will be listed as "oysters on the half shell." As opposed to what? "In a Kleenex?" Even the way you are supposed to eat an oyster indicates something counterintuitive. "Squeeze some lemon on it, a dab of hot sauce, throw the oyster down the back of your throat, take a shot of vodka, and try to forget you just ate snot from a rock." That is not how you eat something. That is how you overdose on sleeping pills. — Jim Gaffigan

Hot dogs are like strippers, really. Nobody wants to know the backstory. We don't want to think about how they came to be in their present form of employment. "Well, when I was twelve, my stepfather.." "Not interested! Put some mustard on that. — Jim Gaffigan

Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote "these are WMD's" on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it. — Jim Gaffigan

Squeeze some lemon on it, a dab of hot sauce, throw the oyster down the back of your throat, take a shot of vodka, and try to forget you just ate snot from a rock. — Jim Gaffigan

Well, isn't every successful person in every family the bankbook? — Louie Anderson

When I was a student and rushing to finish a project, my gut instinct was usually to keep adding all kinds of features. It's a way of papering over the fact that you haven't quite nailed your concept yet. — Mike Krieger

She laughs and it's my favorite song in the world. — A Meredith Walters

CASHIER: Are you a member of our club?
ME: Um, I'm just getting hot dogs.
CASHIER: That'll be four thousand dollars...or you can join our club.
ME: Um, I can't come to a lot of meetings, but I guess I'll join.
CASHIER: It's really convenient. Fill out this personal information for the next ten minutes. — Jim Gaffigan

When I hear homestyle, I always think of some guy in his underwear standing next to a microwave. You want me to nuke a hot dog for ya? I got some old Chinese in the fridge, but I think it's my roommate's. — Jim Gaffigan

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan

We are ready to end fascism once and for all, even in spite of the Republican government. — Buenaventura Durruti

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie. — Jim Gaffigan

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, "I'm glad I ate that." I'm always like, "I'm gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts." — Jim Gaffigan

In Fort Wayne, Indiana, a must-stop is Fort Wayne Coney Island Weiner Stand, where you get the hot dog with way too many fresh-cut onions and a dollop of chili on top. How dogs that are prepared this way in the Midwest are known as "Coney Island hot dogs" but have really nothing to do with Coney Island, New York. The only thing that I can figure out about the origin of the name is that a hundred years ago when someone from Fort Wayne, Indiana, decided to open a hot dog place, they named it after Coney Island, because that seemed like a faraway place where people ate hot dogs and they would probably sell more "Coney Island hot dogs" than "chili dogs" (as everyone else called them) because Coney Island sounded more romantic. Yes, to people in Fort Wayne in 1914, Coney Island seemed romantic. Fort Wayne Coney Island Weiner Stand has been serving their hot dogs that way since, well, since people wanted a pound of fresh onions and chili on their hot dog. — Jim Gaffigan

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month! — Jim Gaffigan

Too many people in the U.S. support death and destruction without being aware of it. They indirectly support the killing our people without ever having to look at the corpses — Assata Shakur

It's not just the look, the cost, and the time involved in putting sunscreen on a child, it's the battle. My kids have no idea why they would have to wait to have fun while they are smeared with chemicals all over their face and body. They scream. They cry. "It burns!" The process of applying sunscreen just highlights the preposterousness of raising pale kids on a planet that revolves around a hot burning star that emits poisonous UV rays. I can never tell if the concerned looks from strangers are because they think I am torturing my children or because I am dressed like an out-of-shape Superman at the beach. Does anyone know where I can get a red swim cape? — Jim Gaffigan

He who aims to forecast fog, will have mist. — Logan

Resolve says, 'I will.' The man says, 'I will climb this mountain. They told me it is too high, too far, too steep, too rocky, and too difficult. But it's my mountain. I will climb it. You will soon see me waving from the top or dead on the side from trying.' — Jim Rohn