G Carlin Quotes & Sayings

I was a huge fan of comedy and movies and TV growing up, and I was able to memorize and mimic a lot of things, not realizing that that meant I probably wanted to be an actor. I just really, really amused myself and my friends with memorizing entire George Carlin or Steve Martin albums. — Hank Azaria

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't ... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe ... same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same ... so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself ... — George Carlin

More people write poetry than read it. — George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. — George Carlin

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down. — George Carlin

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me. — George Carlin

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. — George Carlin

Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing ... you're doing hard work. — George Carlin

Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us. — George Carlin

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. — George Carlin

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. — George Carlin

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. — George Carlin

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites? — George Carlin

There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are. — George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. — George Carlin

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear. — George Carlin

Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. — George Carlin

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. — George Carlin

Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected. — George Carlin

She wasn't ready to give her real name to anyone, not until she knew exactly how Brad had found her the last time. Now that she didn't trust Kat; she'd simply learned that she really couldn't be too careful. Her gaze scanned the counter. A few feet away was a full bottle of ketchup, and inspiration struck. "Hunt," she said swiftly. "Carlin Hunt."
Kat snorted as she ended the handshake. "Well, at least you didn't look at the floor and tell me your last name was Linoleum."
Caught. — Linda Howard

The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything. — George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin

We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought. — George Carlin

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. — George Carlin

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath. — George Carlin

I use the [vulgar] words because apparently these words do not corrupt morally. I'm from the street in New York, hung around in a tough neighborhood. It was common to curse, you make your point. It's a very effective language. I try not to overdo it. It's never to shock. I know where it fits, it's never to shock. There's no shock value left in words. — George Carlin

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization. — George Carlin

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that." — George Carlin

They're good, these stories," Mace continued, his cheeks stained with light color. "They teach the pain of others." "Empathy. Carlin always said it was the great value of fiction, to put us inside the minds of strangers. — Erika Johansen

I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I don't belong to it. When you "belong" to something. You want to think about that word, "belong." People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don't care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can't quite pin down. — George Carlin