Funny You're Ugly Quotes & Sayings

The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there'd been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly. — Scott Westerfeld

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. — Rodney Dangerfield

We cry when something is sad. Then we often shed a tear when something's beautiful as well. When something's funny or ugly, we laugh. Perhaps we are sad when something is beautiful because we know that it won't last for ever. Then, we start laughing when something is ugly because we understand that it's only a joke. — Jostein Gaarder

Kit," said a female voice, "what's wrong with the fridge? All the food's gone. No, wait, there's a really ugly alien in here disguised as a leaky lettuce. Hey, I guess I shouldn't be rude to it; it's a visitor. Welcome to our planet, Mr. Alien!"
This was followed by some muffled remark that Nita couldn't make out, possibly something Kit was saying. A moment later, Kit's sister Carmela's voice came out of Nita's refrigerator again. "Hola, Nita, are your phone bills getting too big? This is a weird way to deal with it ... — Diane Duane

I am so dying to know what cookies are slang for."
"Probably his cock," Jacob plopped down on the arm of the couch.
"Oh my God," I said, taking a handful of chips. I needed the calorie fortitude for where this
conversation was heading.
Brittany nodded. "Makes sense then. I mean, with the whole not sharing cookies with ugly girls."
"I don't think he really meant that," I said, popping a chip in my mouth. "So, back to our history
notes ... "
"Fuck history. Back to Cam's cock." Jacob said. "Do you know, if cookies is a code word for
cock, then that means his cock was in your mouth. — J. Lynn

The fact that has got to be faced is that to abolish class-distinctions means abolishing a part of yourself. Here am I, a typical member of the middle class. It is easy for me to say that I want to get rid of class-distinctions, but nearly everything I think and do is a result of class-distinctions. All my notions - notions of good and evil, of pleasant and unpleasant, of funny and serious, of ugly and beautiful - are essentially middle-class notions; my taste in books and food and clothes, my sense of honour, my table manners, my turns of speech, my accent, even the characteristic movements of my body, are the products of a special kind of upbringing and a special niche about half-way up the social hierarchy. — George Orwell

Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans. — Raheel Farooq

I wake up every day and look at my own ugly mug in the mirror and don't think twice about it. The fact that other people might want to look at me still feels funny. It's flattering, but funny. — Luke Bracey

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. — Carroll Bryant

Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don't look awful this time.
Me (Ilona): ...

~A little later~

Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*
Kid 1: Hey, you've got to see these pies. *opening the stove*
Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.
Kid 1: I know, right? — Ilona Andrews

Then Leo realized something was blocking the middle of his view. Something large and fuzzy, and so close, Leo had to cross his eyes to see it properly. It was a large, ugly face. "Holy mother!" he yelped. The face backed away and came into focus. Staring down at him was a beard man in grimy blue coveralls. His face was lumpy and covered with welts, as if he'd been stung by a million bees, or dragged across gravel. Possibly both. "Humph." the man said. "Holy father, boy. I should think ou know the difference by now. — Rick Riordan

They decide as soon as they meet you. Ten seconds in. If you're poor. If you're brown. If you're black. If you've got an accent. If your skirt's too short. If your nose is ugly - sorry, Cherie. If you're chewing gum. If you're breathing funny. If nobody from your family is there. If you're any of that? Or all of that? Have a nice life, because you're out of there. — Nova Ren Suma

The young woman was crying, in the way that grownups cry, keeping it inside as much as they can, and hating it when it still pushes out at the edges, making them ugly and funny-looking on the way. — Neil Gaiman

A lot of times girls think they're funny, but they want to pretty at the same time, and if you want to be funny, you have to be willing to get ugly. — Amy Sedaris

When I read the 'Ugly Betty' pilot, I thought, 'Oh, this part's funny.' I said to my husband, 'I'm going to get it!' But based on what? All my exquisite comedic work in a Nike commercial? — Becki Newton

The amazing thing about Freak Out! was that there was nothing quite like it in rock 'n roll at the time. It was really simultaneously crude and ugly, and incredibly sophisticated. The Beatles were funny, but there was nothing with the kind of sneer that you could feel in the music of Frank Zappa. — Matt Groening

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" — Henny Youngman

Twenty-five minutes ago, I was blissfully invisible. No laughing. No evil grins. No drama. And now? It couldn't be more dramatic. I've got a stepsister masquerading as Cinderella, the chauvinistic villagers think I'm the ugly stepsister, and the boy coming to my side is more likely to snag a prince than I am. — Kelsey Macke

Leo took out a pen and autographed the arm of one of the nymphs. Narcissus is a loser! He's so weak, he can't bench-press a Kleenex. He's so lame, when you look up lame on Wikipedia, it's got a picture of Narcissus - only the picture's so ugly, no one ever checks it out. — Rick Riordan

A new baby! Why, Scarlett, this is a surprise!" he laughed, leaning down to push the blanket away from Ella Lorena's small ugly face." - Rhett Butler — Margaret Mitchell

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. — Rodney Dangerfield

Who wears masks?'
'Bank robbers?'
'No.'
'Really ugly people?'
'No.'
'Halloween? People wear masks at Halloween.'
'Yes! They do!' He flung his arms wide in delight.
'So that's important?'
'Not even a little bit. But it's true. — Neil Gaiman

Half of my life, I've had people staring at me because they think I'm funny-looking and ugly. The other half of my life, I've had people staring at me because they think I'm fascinating. Everything neutralises. It's more of a statement on society and how weird it is. — FKA Twigs

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. — Mitch Hedberg

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."
Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"
Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty. — Orson Scott Card

Beer makes all jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive, which is something ugly women can't do for themselves, because they're too busy getting fat. Beer is also refreshing and a good listener. — Dick Masterson

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights. — Jane Austen

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly. — Jimmy Carr

The Simpsons are ugly-looking, and they should be. That's what works. That's one of the things that's funny. — Seth MacFarlane

I think this is the ugliest place I've ever seen. Not just here. The whole state." I hear my parents telling me not to be negative, which is funny because I've always been the happy one. It's Eleanor who was moody. "I used to think that. But then I realized, believe it or not, it's actually beautiful to some people. It must be, because enough people live here, and they can't all think it's ugly." He smiles out at the ugly trees and the ugly farmland and the ugly kids as if he can see Oz. As if he can really, truly see the beauty that's there. In that moment I wish I could see it through his eyes. — Jennifer Niven

It's a funny show. The characters are surprisingly likable, given how ugly they are. We've got this huge cast of characters that we can move around. And over the last few seasons, we've explored some of the secondary characters' personal lives a bit more. — Matt Groening

I'm not saying that I made a film to make young people feel great, not such a simple message, but I really felt that I will not go back to do something depressing. I had to make something happy and funny, and show that there are always many ways to continue - even when you're feeling ugly, or you are forgotten by your parents. — Lukas Moodysson

Kaz reached into his coat pocket. "Here," he said and handed Jesper a slender book with an elaborate cover.
"Are we going to read to each other?"
"Just flip it open to the back."
Jesper opened the book and peered at the last page, puzzled. "So?"
"Hold it up so we don't have to look at your ugly face."
"My face has character. Besides - oh!"
"An excellent read, isn't it?"
"Who knew I had a taste for literature? — Leigh Bardugo

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. — Rodney Dangerfield

The rage that had expolded inside me diffused. I didn't know where it had come from. I had a short temper and often acted impulsively,but this had been intense and ugly even for me. Weird. — Richelle Mead

Mi bella Princesa, your funny little dwarf will never dance again. It is a pity, for he is so ugly that he might have made the King smile.'
'But why will he not dance again?' asked the Infanta, laughing.
'Because his heart is broken,' answered the Chamberlain.
And the Infanta frowned, and her dainty rose-leaf lips curled in pretty disdain. 'For the future let those who come to play with me have no hearts,' she cried, and she ran out into the garden. — Oscar Wilde

He wanted a faery. More than anything else in the world. He had already imagined exactly how it should happen. He would set up the invitation, and the next day there would be a petal-winged pisky clinging to the top of his bedpost. It would have a foolish grin on its face, and large ears, and it wouldn't notice at all that Bartholomew was small and ugly and different from everyone else.
But no. Mother had to ruin everything. — Stefan Bachmann

The building is an old strip club. The sign reads "Fuzzy Holes." That's a funny name for a club. On the sign below the name is reads "We fired the ugly one. Come on in! — Joseph Zuko

It's funny how insomnia has a way of hauling faded memories up from the cellar of the mind, unearthing buried bits of nostalgia from deep within and spreading the broken, jagged pieces out in front of you like a display of junk at a garage sale. It makes you feel cheap and guilty when you didn't do a thing in the world to kindle the dull burn in your veins or the sting in your eyes. Some nights the painful past unexpectedly pushes up through the floorboards like an ugly nightmarish weed, and by doing so, cultivates and nurtures an entirely new species of headache. — Adam Young

Life is too short to dance with ugly men — Christina Dodd

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.' — Demetri Martin

I just think it should be illegal to call somebody fat on TV ... I think when it comes to the media, the media needs to take responsibility for the effect that it has on our younger generation, on these girls who are watching these television shows and picking up how to talk and how to be cool, so then all of a sudden being funny is making fun of the girl who's wearing an ugly dress. — Jennifer Lawrence

She thinks you're stalking me."
"Why the hell would I do that? I see too much of your ugly mug as it is. — Margaret Watson

Not that I'm bipolar, but that I'm two people, and not just two people, but two people at odds with each other. The mom and the kid, the homebody and the explorer, the strong and the weak, the logical and the emotional, the funny and the sad, the angry and the calm, the open and the closed, the loved and the hated, the hot and the cold, the alive and the dead, the beautiful and the ugly. It's exhausting. I. Am. Exhausting. — Stacey Turis

Girls are supposed to be feminine and demure. Comedy isn't about that, so you just have to unlearn it. Certain women are so pretty, they can't go weird enough to be funny. You have to be willing to be ugly. I'm lucky my face can look so hideous. — Jennifer Coolidge

Jack the Hellhound: "Make sure you get a booth in the back so they don't see you in assassin-gear and more importantly, to keep the handsome dog hidden."
Robert Knight: "Where's the handsome dog? All I see is an ugly mutt!"
Jack the Hellhound: "You're so funny I'm busting a gut. — Ben Garvey

Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate - they see in the long term. — Patton Oswalt

I'm not interested in being one of those comedians who wants to look good and be this 'cool' funny person. I don't care how weird or ugly I look. — Chris Lilley

(The Mona Lisa), that really is the ugliest portrait I've seen, the only thing that supposedly makes it famous is the mystery behind it, Katherine admitted as she remembered her trips to the Louvre and how she shook her head at the poor tourists crowding around to see a jaundiced, eyebrow-less lady that reminded her of tight-lipped Washington on the dollar bill. Surely, they could have chosen a better portrait of the First President for their currency? — E.A. Bucchianeri

Deciding on the right thing to do in a situation is a bit like deciding on the right thing to wear to a party. [ ... ] The truth is that you can never be sure if you have decided on the right thing until the party is over, and by then it is too late to go back and change your mind, which is why the world is filled with people doing terrible things and wearing ugly clothing. — Lemony Snicket

I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life. — Screamin' Jay Hawkins

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.' — Kristen Schaal

During a photo-call with fellow Olympic gold medallist Duncan Goodhew- Pity Steve Ovett didn't show up. Then we could have had the good, the bald and the ugly. — Daley Thompson

It's funny how the ugly duckling always has so many beautiful things to teach us. — Curtis Tyrone Jones

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. — Winston Churchill

Lindsay calls them the Pugs: pretty from far away, ugly up close. — Lauren Oliver

I mean a fat, ugly man can still be funny and lovable and successful," continued Jane. "But it's like it's the most shameful thing for a woman to be." "But you weren't, you're not - " began Madeline. "Yes, OK, but so what if I was!" interrupted Jane. "What if I was! That's my point. What if I was a bit overweight and not especially pretty? Why is that so terrible? So disgusting? Why is that the end of the world? — Liane Moriarty

In junior high, there were a lot of really ugly guys who were popular because they made people laugh. I was like, "Wow, comedy is the great freer of hideous people." It was an incredibly liberating thing. If you ask a girl, "What do you want in a guy?" 99 percent are like, "I just want him to be funny." I thought, "If that applies to women, I'm set. — Mindy Kaling

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. — Doug Stanhope

The lawyer was a short, ugly, little man. He stood about three feet taller than his desk's two foot eight inch frame and he had dark eyes. Lois couldn't tell if they were black or an extremely dark brown. His hair was dirty blonde and very messy. He looked as if he had just crawled out of bed. His white button up shirt was tucked in on only one side and the other side hung out freely. He wore a pair of tan khakis and a pair of black loafers. His skin almost matched the khakis which was extremely creepy and Lois kept thinking the man wasn't wearing pants. — Rebecca McNutt

Awesome ends with me; but Ugly starts with u ... — Stephan

I'm going away anyway. I am. Do you hear me? I may be ugly and clumsy, but one thing I am not, I'm not retarded. I may be ugly and clumsy, but one thing I am not, I'm not retarded. There's nothing wrong with my brain. Do you know what the Teacher Ghosts say about me? They tell me I'm smart, and I can win scholarships. I can get into colleges. I've already applied. I'm smart. I can do all sorts of things. I know how to get A's, and they say I could be a scientist or a mathematician if I want. I can make a living and take care of myself. So you don't have to find me a keeper who's too dumb to know a bad bargain. I'm so smart, if they say write ten pages, I can write fifteen. I can do ghost things even better than ghosts can. Not everyone thinks I'm nothing. I am not going to be a slave or a wife. Even if I am stupid and talk funny amd get sick, I won't let you turn me into a slave or a wife. I'm getting out of here. I can't stand living here anyore. It's your fault I talk weird. — Maxine Hong Kingston

People should go to their local grocery store or farmers' market and buy ugly, misshapen foods, then cook with them and document their dishes. And share not only the funny-looking foods, but the fantastic results. — Dana Cowin

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield

'Ugly Betty' has been the most important thing I've ever done, easily. I was able to do more with one character than I can ever imagine doing again - Hilda was hilariously funny and emotionally deep ... I really got to showcase what I could do with a character. — Ana Ortiz

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer. — Frankie Boyle

To ugly ducklings everywhere,
Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:
They'll never get to be swans — Zoe Marriott