Funny Travel Quotes & Sayings

Don't be a tourist. Plan less. Go slowly. I traveled in the most inefficient way possible and it took me exactly where I wanted to go. — Andrew Evans

The new French theme park based on Napoleon is named Napoleon's Bivouac, and will honor Napoleon with rides, battle reenactments, and the brutal March on Moscow ride. That's a walk-in freezer you stand in for 18 months while you try to eat a dead horse. — Peter Sagal

We might laugh at the notion of plastic tea sets in the jungle, but it is a time-honored ritual for Western travelers to collect preindustrial artifacts to use as home decorations...Possession of primitive artifacts suggests worldly knowledge, just as in the highland communities of Borneo an electronic wristwatch that plays "Happy Birthday" is the mark of a great traveler. Funny thing how travel can narrow the mind. — Eric Hansen

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it. — Les Dawson

Think back through your experiences and make a bullet point list of funny stories that have happened to you or your friends. Travel, school, college, parties, work, interaction with parents/in-laws, embarrassing situations, etc. Looking at old photos will help to jog memories. — David Nihill

If I do depart this world out here, let it be known that I went out grinning will you, and loving it. LOVING IT.
Steve, are you listening ? I FEEL GREAT. Life's so joyous, so sad, so ephemeral, so crazy, so meaningless, so goddamn funny. This is paradise, and I wish I could give you some. — Robyn Davidson

In the unique case of a country's geographic position, it is difficult to consider this factor as anything other than a cause, unless we assume that in prehistoric times peoples migrated to climates that fit their concepts of power distance, which is rather far-fetched. — Geert Hofstede

It's funny. When you leave your home and wander really far, you always think, 'I want to go home.' But then you come home, and of course it's not the same. You can't live with it, you can't live away from it. And it seems like from then on there's always this yearning for some place that doesn't exist. I felt that. Still do. I'm never completely at home anywhere. — Danzy Senna

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? — Steven Wright

The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo. — Mark Twain

When we lost something precious, and we'd looked and looked and still couldn't find it, then we didn't have to be completely heartbroken. We still had that last bit of comfort, thinking one day, when we grow up, and we were free to travel around the counry, we would always go and find it in Norfolk ... And that's why years and years later, that day Tommy and I found another copy of that lost tape of mine in a town on the Norfolk coast, we didn't just think it pretty funny; we both felt deep down some tug, some old wish to believe again in something that was once close to our hearts. — Kazuo Ishiguro

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?" — Red Buttons

Sir Henry fixed him with a keen eye.
'Odd name, Tom Skatt - eh?'
'Thats right'
'You don't think we could be related?'
Tom looked up at his great-great-great-uncle and smiled.
'I don't think so'
'No,' grinned Sir Henry no, of course not — Henry Chancellor

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane. — Jim Gaffigan

Language-lovers know that there is a word for every fear. Are you afraid of wine? Then you have oenophobia. Tremulous about train travel? You suffer from siderodromophobia. Having misgivings about your mother-in-law is pentheraphobia, and being petrified of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth is arachibutyrophobia. And then there's Franklin Delano Roosevelt's affliction, the fear of fear itself, or phobophobia. — Steven Pinker

Paradise was always over there, a day's sail away. But it's a funny thing, escapism. You can go far and wide and you can keep moving on and on through places and years, but you never escape your own life. I, finally, knew where my life belonged. Home. — J. Maarten Troost

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded. — Billy Connolly

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage. — Bob Hope

The further one goes, the less (he realizes he) one knows. — Laozi

Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.' — Jimmy Fallon

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity. — Eoin Colfer

France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business. — P. J. O'Rourke

No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab. — Scott Adams

It's funny, you know, time does travel pretty quickly and I do have good friends, and the further away I go from them in location, it matters that I keep on the same line and the same groove that I had and preserve that groove with people who I see seldom. — Robert Plant

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong. — Mitch Hedberg

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to! — Karl Pilkington

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. — Edgar Rice Burroughs

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there. — Andy Borowitz

The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, 'You can't miss it'. — Hal Roach

A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people. — Garrison Keillor

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep? — Billy Connolly

Well, more or less, you just got struck by lightning."
"Wait, what?" My brain stopped processing for a prolonged moment unable to wrap around that one. How the hell had that happened? "So basically I was filled with 1.21 jiggawatts?
Can I travel through time now? — Elizabeth Sharp

Hide your gold, your faith and the reason of you journey. — Eduard Heine

My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport. — Dennis Miller

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN! — Lewis Black

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?' — Louis C.K.

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors. — W.C. Fields

But desperation does funny things to a person. Makes you grasp for any sliver of hope. Makes you throw rational thought and logic out the window. Makes you act in ways you would never have imagined possible. Turns strong men into weak. Honest men into liars. — Siobhan Davis

Such a funny thing, time. You spend your whole life wishing there was more or less of it, never realizing that the time already given could be worth more than that which you wished for." -Davina — Moryah DeMott

Jet lag is for amateurs. — Dick Clark

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? — Steven Wright

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation. — H.G.Wells

I wouldn't mind dying for France, but not for Air France. — Charles De Gaulle

When I get up in the morning, I go and I work with beautiful women and charming men and funny comedians and dramatic artists. And I'm presented with costumes and great music to choose from and sets. I travel a certain amount of places, so I've been living in a bubble. And I like it. — Woody Allen

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over. — Lewis Black

When D's cabin caught fire, D was out of the country. Half the town-Christians and drinkers alike-came out to fight the fire and loot the cabin. There were individual piles of loot, and fights over the piles. "That's my pile." "The hell it is, it's mine. — John McPhee

Q: Does this train stop at Brighton? A: I hope so or there's going to be a hell of a splash. — Kenny Everett

We Americans look funny when we're in France because we don't travel, we are fairly un-cultured whereas Europeans go to Africa all the time because it's right there. — Henry Rollins

Come here, cat. You wouldn't want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow. — Connie Willis

There is nothing safer than flying - it's crashing that is dangerous. — Theo Cowan

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way. — Dave Barry

Be advised that there is no parking in Europe. — Dave Barry

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you. — Dave Barry

Yes, I was standing on nothing but congealed starlight. Yes, I was walking up through a savage storm, the wind threatening to tear me off and throw me into the freezing waters of Lake Michigan far below. Yes, I was using a legendary and enchanted means of travel to transcend the border between one dimension and the next, and on my way to an epic struggle between ancient and elemental forces.
But all i could think to say, between panting breaths, was, Yeah. Sure. They couldn't possibly have made this an escalator. — Jim Butcher

I was excellent at English and Drama. Maths and Science I was terrible at. I didn't have any interest in them. I was happiest at lunchtime, playing with my friends. But I love science now, that's the funny thing. And I'd be so good at geography, as I've been fortunate enough to travel the world. — Peter Andre

Finally, after a glance at Notre Dame and a brisk trot through the Louvre, we sat down at a cafe on the Place de l'Opera and watched the people. They were amazing
never had we seen such costumes, such make-up, such wigs; and, strangest of all, the wearers didn't seem in the least conscious of how funny they looked. Many of them even stared at us and smiled, as though we had been the oddities, and not they. Mr. Holmes no doubt found it amusing to see the pageant of prostitution, poverty and fashion reflected in our callow faces and wide-open eyes. — Christopher Isherwood

Kansas is a piece of real estate that completely disproves the theory of roundness as a quality of the planet earth. — W. Bruce Cameron

The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones. — Dave Barry

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions. — Dave Barry

Then a beat-up car lurched into sight towing an even more beat-up car. As the cars came near, I saw that they were connected back to front by a loop made of two seat belts buckled to each other. That was the only time I ever saw a Russian use a seat belt for any purpose at all. — Ian Frazier

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. — Rodney Dangerfield

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home. — Stephen Colbert

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. — Mitch Hedberg

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. — Jerry Seinfeld

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards." — Dave Barry

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin

Travel like Ghandi, with simple clothes, open eyes and an uncluttered mind. — Rick Steves

August in Kansas City is hotter than two rats f**king in a sock. — Ichiro Suzuki

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. — Dave Barry

There is a whole genre of funny travel writers - that's very popular. There's Bill Bryson and people who follow that route and sell travel writing through making people laugh. It's a very difficult group to take. The line between comedy and mockery is sometimes a bit thin. — John Gimlette

Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day? — J.R.R. Tolkien

Tiny doesn't just sing these words - he belts them. it's like a parade coing out of his mouth. i have no doubt the words travel over lake michigan to most of canada and on to the north pole. the farmers of saskatchewan are crying. santa is turning to mrs. claus and saying 'what the fuck is that? - will grayson — David Levithan

Shut up. You have to know you're a bombshell. Sure, maybe travel-sized, but beautiful nonetheless. You're proportioned just right. Trust me. Girl are jealous of your knockers and ass. — Tiffany King

Here for business or pleasure, Mr. Wheeler?"
"Redemption," Shane says. — Jess Walter

Reassuring thoughts have a funny way of getting stuck on repeat. Then you wake up one day and you can't remember where you put the last thirty years of your life. — S.A. Tawks

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting. — Andy Borowitz