Funny Tim Vine Quotes & Sayings

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." — Tim Vine

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" — Tim Vine

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out. — Tim Vine

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. — Tim Vine

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it. — Tim Vine

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people. — Tim Vine

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil? ... Crematoriums. — Tim Vine

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." — Tim Vine

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... ' — Tim Vine

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." — Tim Vine

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it? — Tim Vine

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' — Tim Vine

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ... — Tim Vine

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. — Tim Vine

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway. — Tim Vine

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." — Tim Vine

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle. — Tim Vine

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on. — Tim Vine

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one. — Tim Vine

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". — Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." — Tim Vine

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." — Tim Vine

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.' — Tim Vine

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray. — Tim Vine

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it. — Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. — Tim Vine

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". — Tim Vine

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. — Tim Vine