Funny Swear Quotes & Sayings

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I'd seen. Then I'd lived on the sun with aliens. — Cora Carmack

Lish tried to swear
which is always funny, because the computer won't translate it. It went something like this: Bleep stupid bleep bleep faeries and their bleep bleep bleep obsessions. He had better stop bleep bleep bleep the bleep bleep rules or I will bleep bleep bleep the little bleeeeeeeeeeep. — Kiersten White

The door opened, held by the butler, and Lord Montagu swept into the room, his presence overwhelming the space. She could swear even the flowers in their vases perked up and listed in his direction. Honest to Pete. — Angela Quarles

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.' — Adam Ferrara

The bartender put a notepad and a pencil before me. Breathing hard, the pencil trembling, I wrote:
Dear Sinclair Lewis:
You were once a god, but now you are a swine. I once reverenced you, admired you, and now you are nothing. I came to shake your hand in adoration, you, Lewis, a giant among American writers, and you rejected it. I swear I shall never read another line of yours again. You are an ill-mannered boor. You have betrayed me. I shall tell H. L. Muller about you, and how you have shamed me. I shall tell the world.
Arturo Bandini
P.S. I hope you choke on your steak. — John Fante

I swear, when that woman dies, she'll be deader than everybody else.~Pattiecake from Laid Out and Candle Lit — Ann Everett

I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly. — Pawan Mishra

Everything is going to be fine."

"I don't want to live in a storm drain, Jackson."

"Not even with me?" He laughed.

"It's not funny, and no, not even with you!"

"You won't, and we won't. Everything will be fine. You are too fucking smart, Em. Hell, I'm too fucking smart, and we work too fucking hard for this shitty life. It won't happen."

"Swear to me." My voice was tiny.

"I swear on your life," he said, and I believed him. "But right now I'm kidnapping you in some loser's truck so I can hide you in my backyard. Let's just hope we can get past this part. I don't think colleges will look too fondly at a juvenile record. — Renee Carlino

I swear and it comes off a little angry, no matter how funny I'm trying to do it. If I use certain words with a certain intensity, it's like 'Whoa whoa whoa, buddy buddy!' — John C. Reilly

Okay. Take a peek, but I swear if you try anything funny, I'll beat your head in with my flashlight. — Shannon K. Butcher

Oh honestly, Whyborne, don't put up such a fuss. I swear, you men have your entire egos tied to the functioning of a few inches of flesh."
"More than a few," Griffin said with a smirk.
I buried my face in my hands and wished the mummy's curse were real and might strike me down immediately. — Jordan L. Hawk

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. Right. It's just that ... He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here. — Kristina McBride

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway. — Tim Vine

Is there somebody out there? Amy, is that you?" her mother called.
"No. Tell me this isn't happening." Quinn rested his forehead against hers. "Has she got a wiretap on you or something? I swear, she's like a walking hard-on detector."
Amy bit her lip, trying not to laugh. Quinn levered himself up on his arms.
"Mrs. P., if you value your life, you'll go back inside and turn off the light right now. — Sarah Mayberry

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.'
He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.'
'Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses. — Mindee Arnett

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man ... To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop. — Wes Locher

I think that's Justin Bieber.
Standing in front of a line up of Lay's potato chips, Qhuinn looked overhead to the speaker inset into the ceiling tiles. Yup, I'm right, and I hate that I know that.
Next to him John Matthew signed, How do you know?
The little shit is everywhere.
I swear, that kid is proof the Antichrist is coming.
Maybe it's already here.
Would explain Miley Cyrus. — J.R. Ward

You're pretty sassy this morning, son. Is it all about Reingold's rulings?"
"That didn't suck, but I've got me a fascinating, beautiful woman I'm falling for. Falling hard."
"Quick work."
"In the blood. My mama and daddy barely did more than look at each other, and that was that. She's got me, Russ. Right here." He tapped a fist on his heart.
"Surely it's not considerably lower where she's got you?"
"There, too. But, Jesus, Russ, she does it for me. I just think about her, and ... I swear I could look at her for hours. Days."
Brooks let out a half-laugh, edged with a little surprise. "I'm done. I'm gone. — Nora Roberts

Funny the way it was never enough to swear and promise just the once. You seemed to have to rethink and repromise every time the subject came up. — Diana Wynne Jones

They were exactly the same morons that laugh like hyenas in the movies at stuff that isn't funny. I swear to God, if I were a piano player or an actor or something and all those dopes thought I was terrific, I'd hate it. I wouldn't even want them to clap for me. People always clap for the wrong things. — J.D. Salinger

He was a bad, bad bastard. He abused the privilege of being a cunt, as my old Da would say.' I smiled, picturing the cozy fireside scene of young son on father's knee being inducted into the world of abusive epithets. — Craig Russell

The funny part is, I felt like marrying her the minute I saw her. I'm crazy. I didn't even like her much, and yet all of a sudden I felt like I was in love with her and wanted to marry her. I swear to God I'm crazy. I admit it. — J.D. Salinger

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don't know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it was like hiting a wall."
Gracious nodded. "You hit a wall."
Maybury blinked at him. "I what?"
"I saw it. You ran into a cloud of gas and stumbled around for a second until you reached a wall, and then you shrieked and punched it. It was very heroic. — Derek Landy

On the board was a list of words and phrases which her mother considered not suitable for use in college T-shirt design. She had been asked about them so often that in the end she had started a blacklist of banned words to which everyone could refer. Every time someone thought of a new one, she unflinchingly wrote it down ...
Rose read through the list, and turned back to her letter.
These are the words I learned to spell in Mummy's art class today, she wrote, and sighed a little as she began the tedious job of copying from the board. — Hilary McKay

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way. — Mark Twain

I swear, sometimes I am convinced my life is just a series of sketches for America's Funniest Home Videos, minus all that pants-dropping business. Except my life really isn't all that funny if you think about it. — Meg Cabot

You do it and see how hard that thing is to control. I swear it has a mind of its own." Hadyn
"No sugar, that's your front tail." Edena
"Edena! I can't believe you said that to your brother! Where did you hear that?" Seraphina
"Good grief, Matera! I am almost 30 years old. I am the last of my friends who hasn't had a lover yet. And if that's what concerns you, then you need to talk to your son about where he's been planting that shorter front tail lately." Edena — Sherrilyn Kenyon

I mean, I always want everyone to kiss me, but I also don't want anyone to ever even think about trying any funny business because I swear to God I will yell and run. It's sort of hard to explain. — Katie Heaney

You should've heard the crowd, though, when he was finished. You would've puked. They went mad. They were exactly the same morons that laugh like hyenas in the movies at stuff that isn't funny. I swear to God, if I were a piano player or an actor or something and all those dopes thought I was terrific, I'd hate it. I wouldn't even want them to clap for me. People always clap for the wrong things. If I were a piano player, I'd play in the goddam closet. — J.D. Salinger

Pops: How about you finish this sentence for me, Jason? When a girl says no she means ...
Justin, looking desperately at me: No?
Nana: Are you sure?
Justin, shifting uncomfortably: I'm sure. No means no.
Nana: Well look at you. You got one right. Now here's another, even tougher sentence for you to finish. Premarital sex is ...
Me: Nana! I'm so sorry Justin.
Nana: Unlike Pops, I'm not moving on. Justin?
Pops: His name is Jason.
Justin:Uh ... uh ...
Pops: While you think about that, why don't you tell me how you feel about drinking and driving?
Justin: I'm totally against it, I swear!
Nana: Methinks he protests too much. — Gena Showalter

Don't swear in front of my kids, Papaw," Bill said hotly. "Daddy, hush," Mama said. "I'll swear anytime I goddamn want to, Billy Cantrell," Papaw replied. "You Christians are so uptight. Every time you sit down, I hold my breath because I'm afraid you'll suck the whole goddamn world up your asses." "Daddy!" Mama cried. "It's true, Martha. You should know. There's a hole in the sofa where you're always sitting. Probably got half the living room swirling around in your rectum. Billy's probably got half of Tupelo up his ass. Next time something comes up missing, Shelly, just tell him to bend over and take a look in his ass because that's probably where it is. — Nick Wilgus

She says, "I'll swear by the rose tattooed on my ass, that old man raped me."
Here, the funeral parade stops. At this point, Comrade Snarky is a victim among victims. The rest of us - just her supporting cast.
Mrs. Clark, leading us, she looks back and says, "He what?"
And from behind his camera, Agent Tattletale says, "Me, too. He raped me first."
Saint Gut-Free says, "Well what the hell ... He poked me, too."
As if poor skinny Saint Gut-Free had enough ass left to poke.
And Mrs. Clark says, "This is not funny. Not in the least."
"Tough," the Matchmaker tells her. "It's wasn't funny, either, when you raped me."
Shaking his ponytail, the Duke of Vandals tells the Matchmaker, "You couldn't pay to get raped. — Chuck Palahniuk

You're just doing this to make yourself feel better." "I will fucking punch you, you disabled asshole." Prophet threw his hands in the air. "I swear to Christ, that's abuse. You can't yell at a disabled person like that. You can't call a disabled person disabled asshole. That's just fucking wrong." "Who says?" "I do," Prophet said indignantly. Doc was biting back a smile. "And it's not funny." Doc's voice was quiet, a little rough and choked when he said, "I know, Proph." And that was enough for Prophet to admit, "I don't think I can do this." Although he had no real idea what this was. At this point, it translated into everything. Doc — S.E. Jakes

Sandra."
"Thomas, I ... ."
"You called." He sounded concerned.
"Yes, I ... ."
"Why are you calling? Are you harmed?"
"No ... ."
"Are you rescheduling our Saturday lunch?"
"No ... ."
"Is this an emergency?"
"Stop asking questions and just listen."
"Why are you calling?"
I sighed, rolled my eyes. This was why I never called Thomas. "I need your help."
"Do you need money?"
"Thomas, I swear, if you ask me another question, I will secretly switch your caffeinated with decaf during Saturday lunch at least three times over the next six months."
I could tell he was thinking about my threat, weighing it against the compulsion of his curiosity. Belatedly he said, "Proceed — Penny Reid

Isn't Glen an accountant? We're all frugal." These days, by necessity.
"You might be frugal, but Glen is cheap. For Valentine's Day, he actually suggested that we go to a card shop, exchange cards in the aisle, then put them back because he didn't see the use in spending the money!"
"Okay, that's cheap."
Libby huffed. "I swear, if he cuts up my Bloomingdale's card, I'll cut off his pecker. — Stephanie Bond

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?" I asked with a growl of my own.
His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. "How did you know about that?"
"Tabby-Chan told me."
"Freaking Meko-Chan," Kuroi uttered, "I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?"
"She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her." I realized what I said. "Oops."

~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1 — L. Benitez

I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I feel like I've died. I swear I'm aging in dog years. But no, I'm not dead. It's funny how stuff like that gets started. — Tony Stewart

I swear to God, Boss," he said one day. "Ya ain't never been a talker, but lately, if ya'd a had to rub two words together to make a fire, you'd a done froze to death. — Eli Easton