Funny Shirts Quotes & Sayings

On the ground, Cash gave a signal, and all the guys lined up by the pool. In unison, they stripped off their shirts and tossed them onto the grass. An audible sigh- like the ones you hear on a sitcom that is "filmed in front of a live studio audience"- filled the room. It was almost funny, really. Such a strong reaction to a bunch of shirtless boys. — Kody Keplinger

Toph, I want to tell you something. I want to tell you about my nipples. I want to tell you about my nipples, and generally about the nipples of the men in our family. Because someday, son [I do this thing, and he does this thing, where I call him son and he calls me dad, when we are having funny father-son-type chats, mocking them in a way while also being secretly, deeply queasy about using these terms], someday my nipples will be your nipples. Someday you too will have nipples that protrude unnaturally far from your chest, and which will harden at the slightest provocation, preventing you from wearing anything but the heaviest cotton T-shirts. — Dave Eggers

This fucking city is full of nothing but thugs, money grubbing porn-bitches, and hustlers. I'm calling the police." Ex fumed as he struggled to pull his cell from his pocket.

If Syn weren't so damn angry it would've been funny as shit the way the man's jaw dropped when God and Day both pulled their gold badges out from under their shirts. Day smiled that sinister grin and kneeled in front of them, speaking in an official tone, "911, what is your emergency? — A.E. Via

Some of the men were dressed like Peter and wore red plaid hunting jackets or bulky tan Carhartt jackets or lined flannel shirts, and all of those men were wearing jeans and work boots. Some of the men wore ski jackets and hiking boots and the sort of many-pocketed army green pants that made you want to get out of your seat and rappel. Some of the men wore wide-wale corduroy pants and duck boots and cable0knit sweaters and scarves. It was a regular United Nations of white American manhood. But all the men, no matter what they were wearing, were slouching in their chairs, with their legs so wide open that it seemed as though there must be something severely wrong with their testicles. — Brock Clarke

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt. — Mike Birbiglia

On my way to the parking lot, in quick succession, I saw students wearing t-shirts which read, "Save the whales. Collect the whole set," "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now," and "Half the people you know are below average." Typical for the Eastern student body. — Neil S. Plakcy

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country. — David Cross

Goddamn golf shirts and gym memberships and fake muscles and tans and cell phones and new cars. Trevor didn't care about any of that garbage. All he wanted was a garden. Isn't that funny? — Nickolas Butler

I would hate to see the state of my house if I had displeased Amelia under my roof. The servents would revolt. No doubt I'd have gruel for dinner, holes in my shirts, and the most foul-smelling tallow candles they could find. — Kristi Ann Hunter

It was a great Olympics - Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow - especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts. — Jimmy Fallon

The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much. — Adam Rex

K, boys, it's shirts against skins. Lose 'em," Lucy said, pointing to the guys and ignoring Thad.
"I beg your pardon?" Thad said, aghast.
"Why do we have to be skins?" Josh complained.
Lucy looked at Erin and they both shrugged and grabbed the hems of their shirts, preparing to haul them over their heads.
"Whoa!" Sable said, covering his eyes immediately.
"Wait," Josh, Angelo, and Thad said at the same time.
"Hell, yeah," Blaze chimed in.
The girls stopped right before they fully exposed their chest. "What? You guys act like none of you have ever seen a pair of boobs in a bra before. Josh saw mine a few hours ago and I know, for a fact, that three of you have seen hers outside the bra." Lucy looked pointedly at Thad, Blaze, and Angelo.
Erin's head snapped in Josh's direction. "JOSH!" she screeched, accidentally letting loose a snap of electricity. — Christine James

They walked to school, talking about how much they were longing for the summer holidays.
"Oh, I am planning things," said Jamie. "Great, great things. I could join a band."
"You gave up the guitar after two lessons."
"Well," he said, "I could be a backup dancer."
"Backup dancers have to wear belly shirts and glitter," said Mae. "So obviously, I support this plan. — Sarah Rees Brennan

Look around you. Watch how people function and interact with one another. You'll see this is going on everywhere all the time. People devour each other in the name of love, or family or country. But that's an excuse; they're just hungry and want to be fed. Read their faces, the newspapers, read what it says on their T-shirts! 'I think you're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit.' 'My parents went to London but all they brought me back was this lousy T-shirt.' 'So many women, so little time.' 'Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.' They're supposed to be funny, witty, and postmodern, Miranda. But the truth is they're only stating a fact: Me. I come first. Get out of my way. — Jonathan Carroll