Funny Random Quotes & Sayings

I wanted to shove her typewriter on the floor. I hated it and I hated her. I wanted to be a Cosby. — Augusten Burroughs

A blanket is a tell-all story about its endeavors with certain highly publicized people and their somewhat promiscuous acts. — Nicole McKay

Lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes. — Diane Messidoro

He was the firstborn Bridgerton of a firstborn Bridgerton of a firstborn Bridgerton eight times over. He had a dynastic responsibility to be fruitful and multiply. — Julia Quinn

I didn't actually know what regret tasted like - but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk. — Angela N. Blount

It's funny how books can change you. You open up a book and one minute you are who you've always been, then you read some random passage and you become someone else. — Brian Joyce

Oh come on,'Pheobe continued. 'You're asking for it. Pale skin, black clothes, no lunch and that whole brooding thing? It's hilarious. You should get body glitter and go after an unsuspecting freshman.'
'You should!' Cassidy agreed. 'Tell her you're a dangerous monster. And mention how good her blood smells.'
'Wrong time of the month on that one, and I'm getting slapped,' I muttered, and everyone laughed. — Robyn Schneider

He once again pointed to that creepy theatrical smile. There were way too many teeth there. It made him look positively demented. — Richard E. Gropp

My cousins had told me dead people came back as Dracula.
Draculas got thirsty at night and drank only blood, leaving the
milk and juices in the refrigerator for the house owners. I thought
Draculas were cool, they had some manners. Still I didn't like the
idea of anyone drinking blood. — Sheeja Jose

ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don't really have to aim a sawed-off shotgun. She swung it toward me. "You, get in there." She turned her attention to the crowd. "The rest of you will take a number and have a seat." Her paperwork skills might have been lousy, but her personal touch was something I aspired to. — J.C. Nelson

Dear Fly,

I love you. If you are a mouse I am cheese. If you are a cat I am a mouse. You are a fly, so I want to be shit. — Casey Scieszka

For shit's sake, it wasn't like there was a twelve-step for being the Scribe Virgin's kid:
Hi, I'm Vishous. I'm her son and I've been her son for three hundred years.
HI, VISHOUS.
She's done a head job on me again, and I'm trying not to go to the Other Side and scream bloody murder at her.
WE UNDERSTAND, VISHOUS.
And on the bloody note, I'd like to dig up my father and kill him all over again, but I can't. So I'm just going to try to keep my sister alive even though she's paralyzed, and attempt to fight the urge to find some pain so I can deal with this Payne.
YOU'RE A STRAIGHT-UP PUSSY, VISHOUS, BUT WE SUPPORT YOUR SORRY ASS. — J.R. Ward

I must be very complex, judging by the number of days determined to define me. — Spuds Crawford

Time and Tide wait for no Man; what about woman ? How Sexist ! — Gaurav Rao

I thought you'd be gone by now." Velkan
"Hardly, I have to much to do." Esperetta
"Such as?" Velkan
"Apologize to you." Esperetta
"Why would you do that?" Velkan
"Because I'm stupid and pigheaded. Judgmental. Unforgiving. Mistrustful
you can stop me at anytime, you know?" Esperetta
"Why should i? You're on quite a roll. Besides, you missed the worst flaw." Velkan
"And that is?" Esperetta
"Hotheaded." Velkan
"I learned that one from you." Esperetta
"How so?" Velkan
"Remember that time you threw your boots into the fire because you had trouble getting them off?"
"I never did that." Velkan
"Yes, you did. You also gave your favorite saddle to the stable master because it scratched your leg as you dismounted and told him he could have it but, personally, you'd burn it, too." Esperetta — Sherrilyn Kenyon

I get a message from my dad. In the mood I'm in, I tear up to see his name in my inbox, and imagine him down the hall in bed, propped on pillows, emailing me.
"Hon,
Enjoyed our gelato date the other night. I just want to say I'm proud of you for a lot of reasons. Also, I've attached a picture of my foot."
He's such a weirdo goofball. I love him. — Sara Zarr

I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice. It's like, an overwhelming feeling that I can't even explain. — Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

By the power of Grayskull ... I have the power!" Nick
"By the power of Grayskull, I'm going to cleave your skull from your shoulders if you don't take this seriously." Caleb — Sherrilyn Kenyon

I never thought that someday men will also use an iPAD. — Santosh Kalwar

You're going to throw me naked into a pit and make me drench myself in baby lotion, aren't you?" Bride
You live in New Orleans, where they can't even dig a grave. So tell me where I'm going to find this pit?" Vane
"It's an above ground pit." Bride
"Hardly secretive." Vane
"But possible," Bride — Sherrilyn Kenyon

You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket. — Nicole McKay

If things do not change,in the future we may all speak spell check. — Tom Althouse

Fifteen minutes later, Justin looks at his pint of blood with pride. He doesn't want it to go to some stranger, he almost wants to bring it to the hospital himself, survey the wards and present it to someone special, for it's the first thing to come straight from his heart in a very long time. — Cecelia Ahern

I'm beginning to think my name has been changed to Damn it or Asshole Styxx — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee."
That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important. — David Wong

I wish kids at school would quit calling me a porno dork-face, though. There wasn't any sex involved! I got knocked out, I panicked and called the cops. Okay, somewhere along the line everybody's clothes fell off, but that's not exactly a federal crime. Is it? I hope you don't work for the FBI. (You don't, do you?)
- Email Excerpt (Page: 21)
From: Douglas Bracken
To: Dr. Rita I. Milton
Sent: Friday, November 08 - 5:05 PM
Subject: Pressing Concerns — Kathleen Jeffrie Johnson

Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick. — Nicole McKay

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried — Josh Stern

The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white. — Gail Carriger

Reading was hardly as practical a skill as being able to handle a dagger or use Allomancy? — Brandon Sanderson

Earthquakes were extremely uncommon in this area. A dragon and a unicorn playing tag wasn't. — Robert Asprin

Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub — Josh Stern

There's no denying Bird-man's well-intentioned heart. He's a good guy, not the type of prick who would take your favorite Stryper t-shirt on tour and bequeath it to some random trollop he hooks up with while conveniently forgetting you ever existed. — Shauna Cross

Ish #153 Artificial plants grow best in artificial light. — Regina Griffin

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice. — Diane Arbus

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.
Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt's collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I'd
met them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on top
of it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.
"Hindenburg," I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. "Walt, why in the world - ?"
"Sorry!" he yelled. "Wrong amulet!"
The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn't much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawed
at the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.
I moved to Walt's side and tried to get my bearings. — Rick Riordan

I was shameless in my supermarket-shelf mass-market taste. I loved King, Evanovich, Grisham and Brown. I won't lie; the oficial-looking filing cabinet in the corner is actually stuffed full of my paperbacks. — Molly Harper

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM! — Rick Riordan

What can I say? I'm like a playground water fountain, I live to wet people's pants. — Frances Winkler

You've got to stop and ask yourself once in a while ... why some asinine politicians would quicker cut out social security than the space program ... Go figure. — Timothy Pina

Haha, I can't hit you. If I did, I'd feel sorry for the person who'd have to clean up the mess of your splattered brain. — Kyousuke Motomi

Ava, will you watch your fucking mouth?' he sighs, but there's relief in his voice. I'm half tempted to tell him to fetch the anti-bacterial solution and spray it in my mouth. — Jodi Ellen Malpas

If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then afterward act quietly in the matter according to the dictates of your best judgment. — Mark Twain

If You're Gonna Ride My Ass, At Least Pull My Hair! — S.C. Stephens

It is the end of the world. Surely you could be allowed a few carnal thoughts. — Connie Willis

My smile wavers as I revert to my natural state of being: nervous and weird. — Stephanie Perkins

When I was coming out of depression, I made one random video. It wasn't funny or anything, but just the idea that people I didn't know were watching it made me feel less alone than I'd felt in a long time. — Lilly Singh

The Lion King? It's just a kid's film.

Just a kid's film?!? Yeah, just a kid's film with an IMDB rating of 8.5, 2 Academy Awards and 2 Golden Globes, that's been adapted into THE most successful West-end musical of all time, generating a gross profit of 8 million pounds and counting. "But maybe it's just a kid's film because it doesn't deal with any mature films" said fucking nobody ever. The Lion King is the greatest anthropomorphic assault upon the theme of mortality that Western culture has ever produced. It is so complex that your tiny, shriveled, and scrotum of a brain wouldn't dare to fathom it. So no, it is not just a kid's film, it is Shakespear with fur! — Jack Whitehall

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required. — Wes Adamson

Falco wagged her journal in front of her. "This is yours, I presume." A slow smile spread across his face. "Let's find out exactly what you've been doing, shall we?"
"Give it back!" Cass reached for the journal, but Falco easily dodged her. He opened the leather-bound book to a random page and cleared his throat. Clutching a hand to his chest, he pretended to read aloud in a high-pitched voice. "Oh, how I love the way his fingers explore my soft flesh. The way his eyes see into my very soul."
This time, Cass managed to snatch the book out of his hands. "That is not what it says."
"I guess that means you won't be keeping me warm tonight? — Fiona Paul

So if you are what you eat and you are as young as you feel, then I am a pizza, right out of the oven. — Tom Althouse

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better. — Nicole McKay

I do know you're nothing like him. But you're still ... still a lot. A lot to handle. I don't mean your junk, obviously, as we've not gotten to the fondling-bits stage yet. And I can't believe I just talked about your junk. — Nicole Peeler

Sicarius, are you ready for a hike?"
She faced him only to find he had armed himself - more so than usual. In addition to his daggers and throwing knives, he held two rifles, two pistols, two cargo belts laden with ammo pouches, and a bag of his smoke grenades.
"Or a single-handed all-out assault on the forest? — Lindsay Buroker

Hey, don't knock it. It still runs. Most of the time, even after I turn it off. Jo — Sherrilyn Kenyon

I wasn't exactly sure what "nothing good" meant, but I could imagine in this world of humans, "nothing good" could mean a lot of bad things. — Tamra Torero

I think I'm supposed to "take a sad song and make it better," but that's beyond my musical ability — Sophia Bennett

Nevertheless, he was already a sick man. He had gotten more than gas at Bill Hapscomb's Texaco. And he gave Harry Trent more than a speeding summons. — Stephen King

In between bites of banana, Mr. Remora would tell stories, and the children would write the stories down in notebooks, and every so often there would be a test. The stories were very short, and there were a whole lot of them on every conceivable subject. "One day I went to the store to purchase a carton of milk," Mr. Remora would say, chewing on a banana. "When I got home, I poured the milk into a glass and drank it. Then I watched television. The end." Or: "One afternoon a man named Edward got into a green truck and drove to a farm. The farm had geese and cows. The end." Mr. Ramora would tell story after story, and eat banana after banana, and it would get more and more difficult for Violet to pay attention. — Lemony Snicket

I pat her on the head. "Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit or you will not partake. — Jenny Han

If she rented the studio in town, I'd probably never see either of my parents again. Well, except for dinner. They usually showed up for food — Maggie Stiefvater

Darling Daddy,
Poor Saffy. She had a big fight in the boys toilets on Monday, did you know? A very big fight and Sarah helped and it was terrifying. Said a boy in my class who has a brother who was there.
Saffy washed her hands and said Never Ever Never Dare You Touch My Brother. (Indigo). And the plug holes were blocked with hair.
Love from Rose.
-Sarah's mother has given us soup. Soup soup soup and then it was all gone.
L.F.R. — Hilary McKay

I guess it's worth a shot. More than likely a wasted bullet, but I'll fire anyway. — Brandy Nacole

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you're having a churro. — Rucy Ban

Leonard had let them go alone with the young boy who Ali was now convinced, was a couple falafel's short of a picnic — L.R. Currell

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you'll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo — Cora Carmack

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick. — Nicole McKay

Nothing says work efficiency like panic mode. — Don Roff

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It's certainly safer than keeping it in the bank! — Nicole McKay

I've got to get my body back. While I like wearing you, I'd rather wear you as a blanket on top of me and not the skin I'm walking around in. It has this whole Hannibal Lecter aspect that's really creeping me out."Jo
"Hannibal Lecter?" Cadegan
"It's a TV show and book character. Not really important. Like a wombat in a blender." Jo
"I'm not sure what this blender is, but I think I should be feeling bad for that poor wombat." Cadegan — Sherrilyn Kenyon

He looked up at Stig and Hal. 'Told you this one was a keeper.' Lydia flushed as the two boys smiled. 'Shut up. You make sure you do your stuff with those two overgrown dinner bowls you call shields. — John Flanagan

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. — Nenia Campbell

Ever heard of a demon getting sick?" Zavid
'Of humans? All the time. It's what we live for" Livia — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Why can't you place a blessing like that on us," I asked.
"It only works on wild animals,"
"So it would only affect Percy," Annabeth reasoned. — Rick Riordan

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns. — David Wong

Jace?" She offered him the glass.
"I am a man," he told her. "And men do not consume pink beverages. Get the gone, woman and bring me something brown."
"Brown?" Isabelle made a face.
"Brown is a manly colour," said Jace and yanked on a stray lock of Isabelle's hair with his free hand. "In fact, look-Alec is wearing it."
Alec looked mournfully down at his sweater. "It was black," he said. "But then it faded."
"You could dress it up with a sequined headband," Magnus suggested. — Cassandra Clare

A brick could create a clear winner in a fight if instead of fighting pillows against blankets, you fought bricks against blankets. — Amy Summers

Where are the ethical concerns, that so many people called animal lovers invoke, when you steal the children of wild dog mothers and other family members from right before their eyes? Do ethics always refer only to what people think appropriate for purely subjective reasons?
Ultimately, our long-term research resulted in a very sad picture: With the exception of the random puppy, who today as an adult actually is interested in people, neither male Maccia nor the most of the other "rescued" dogs are socially and environmentally secure, but had remained shy and partly vegetate in kennels with empty eyes. Such dogs are neither fish nor fowl, although taken from the wild population in the early age of about eight to twelve weeks (except Maccia, whom Funny "rescued" at the age of four months, which is even more irresponsible). — Gunther Bloch

This isn't a trunk monkey, is it." Nick
"No. It's not. It's a memento from your enemies." Caleb
"Yeah, well, at least it makes my heart surgery scar look cooler." Nick — Sherrilyn Kenyon

One fall day in Boston, a tall mechanical engineering student named Joe entered the student union at Harvard University. He was all ambition and acne — Dan Ariely

Sometimes we know people who are
too wonderful for words. I am not one of them.
Or you, for that matter, as you well know. — Michael Hogan

Oh no! Akri-Nicky! You okay? The Simi didn't know it was her favorite blue-eyed demon boy when she hit him so hard so as to protect his precious akra-mama. Oh no! You still living and breathing and not broken? 'Cause if you not, can the Simi eat your dead, meaty remains? Please, please, please? Maybe some of them bones, too, 'cause the marrow can be quite tasty in its own right. Simi. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

My melon soul
Crushed by your Gallagher of apathy — David Wong

His green eyes blazed with desire; such a different look than I'd known before. Chase had studied me, reading my feelings. Tucker was only trying to see his own reflection. Disturbing on several levels. — Kristen Simmons

I've purged myself of worldly goods; half my stuff is either being sold or going to charity. I need to go shopping. — Christy Leigh Stewart

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

How many beers do y'all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, 'Dude, bet you twenty bucks I can levitate a frog with a magnet?' ' Sam drawled. — Robyn Schneider

He'd have to turn on his high-voltage charm with these people. Should work. They were only used to 12V battery power after all-he'd dazzle them. — Josephine Myles

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?" I asked with a growl of my own.
His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. "How did you know about that?"
"Tabby-Chan told me."
"Freaking Meko-Chan," Kuroi uttered, "I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?"
"She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her." I realized what I said. "Oops."

~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1 — L. Benitez

They told me I've got writer's cramp. So is that better than the block? — Joyce Rachelle

I knew I was in deep shit. I didn't know how deep - just that I still hadn't touched bottom. — Sol Luckman

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about. — Ellen DeGeneres

I think you need to give me a pet name - a term of endearment."
His face was its typical impassive mask, but I could tell that I'd surprised him.
Finally, he said, "Like ... babe?"
"No - that feels awkward and wrong and has undertones of pedophilia. I'm thinking of something more age appropriate, yet affectionate. — Penny Reid

What's purple mean?"
Adrian put his hand on the door. "Gotta go, Sage. Dont want to keep Dorothy waiting — Richelle Mead

It's funny, the whole cooking thing came out of just a random thought of writing a cookbook with my mom and my sister for fun ... — Trisha Yearwood

No one broke his finger and got away with it. — Sarah Masters

The world is full of unrequited love,' I said finally.
'You and Patrick having problems?' Dad said, reaching around to get the butter out of the fridge.
'No, I was just wondering what you would say if I was a lesbian.'
'Come again?' said Lester. 'I'm having a hard time following this conversation. — Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

You should have seen the costumes for the last few prom themes: Pimps and their srteet ho's; CEOs and their office ho's; GI Joes and their combat ho's; Gardeners and their garden hose;Firemen and their fire hose ... If you ask me, a 'masquerade' theme isn't flattering for anyones features, nor does it define the apppropriate gender roles very clearly. — The Harvard Lampoon

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything ... .but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco — Josh Stern

Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it. — Andrew Smith