Funny Press Quotes & Sayings

It's funny because sometimes one doesn't actually consider these things for one's self until one's in a situation like this [press conferece] where one has to kind of think about it. — Gillian Anderson

I look at the names on the mailboxes and the bells inside number 1940 and pick out a couple of women's names and press the first one. I stand there waiting, feeling the image
build up and not thinking about what I'm going to say to her because I know
something will come to me like it always does. Nothing happens. I press the second doorbell and in a few minutes she buzzes the door, twice, and I walk into the hallway. The stairs are curved around an elevator and to the right and I go up them, not in a hurry or nothing, just taking them one at a time.
Its funny, isn't it, how the first woman didn't answer the bell or wasn't home or something and just that little chance, you understand what I mean? — Sebastian Junger

I glared at him. "You didn't leave me alone for five minutes, you left me alone for a week. I could have hacked myself to pieces if there's been more than one mango in the house. You could have come home to a very gory scene. The press would have had a field day ... Gay Houseboy In Mango Tragedy. Bears arrested for leaving cub unattended for seven, almost eight whole days with an armed and dangerous killer mango roaming loose about the house."
"I'd mercifully forgotten just how much of a loquacious tripe peddler you can be," Shane took me by the shoulders and kissed me on the lips ... — Gillibran Brown

First, I'm going to teach you how to Irish Whip someone."
"Oh, that sounds kinky. I want my safeword to be peaches," I said, grinning. — Kyle Adams

The business world and adult society only really made sense to me if they were supposed to be funny, but I didn't see many other people laughing, so I started inventing my own worlds where life seemed more how it should be. — Christian Cook

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!" — Mitch Hedberg

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough." — Mitch Hedberg

Vicodin, I got addicted to that little pill. The reason I don't talk about it too much in the press is because it isn't funny, and I love to be funny in interviews. If you joke about that period in your life, it doesn't seem right. — Matthew Perry

Leo took out a pen and autographed the arm of one of the nymphs. Narcissus is a loser! He's so weak, he can't bench-press a Kleenex. He's so lame, when you look up lame on Wikipedia, it's got a picture of Narcissus - only the picture's so ugly, no one ever checks it out. — Rick Riordan

And you expect us to take the word of your ... very pregnant wife, over a DNA test? No offense, but pregnancy tends to lower a female's IQ."
Burnett turned to the warlock, but before he could add his two cents - which didn't look as if it would be pleasant - Holiday added her own.
"That's funny," she said, but without humor.
"I've heard it also makes us vicious if provoked. And for your information, I'd be happy to put my IQ up against yours, pregnant or not."
Hunter, C. C. (2014-05-20). Reborn (Shadow Falls: After Dark) (p. 336). St. Martin's Press. Kindle Edition. — C.C. Hunter

But first I had to get through the ironing. It took a lot of patience. I had none. It took forever, and then I had to press the whole shirt again to get out the creases I'd pressed into it. — Jennifer Echols

Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press. — Rachel Vincent

He paid the check and I objected. Alex was a waiter and, for better or worse, I was pretty sure I made quite a lot more than he did. But I didn't press the issue because my objection was met with an insulted glare and stony silence.
Usually I don't dispute or offer to go halfsies. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, maybe it's because my father brainwashed me, or maybe I'm a free-loading cow who is a blight on feminist principles, but I typically staunchly believe the man should pay for dinner, especially if it's early in the relationship. — Penny Reid

I always feel funny when I don't reveal things, especially to you [the press], who have supported us so much and are really the big reason we're here. But, we hold back information about the plot because we want to reward the fans for sticking with us, and that's so much fun. That's the funnest part of it. — Mitchell Hurwitz

Thank you for calling customer service. If you're calm and rational, press 1. If you're a whiner, press 2. If you're a hot head, press 3 — Randy Glasbergen

She remembered the day vividly, for how can you forget the day your heart is broken? The funny thing about a broken heart is that it's not fatal. Though you wish in vain that it were, life continues on and you have no choice but to continue on with it. You take the hand that fate has dealt you and you press forward because there is nothing else that can be done. — Tracy Winegar

Cricket tells a joke and turns to see if I'm laughing, if I think he's funny, and I want him to know that I do think he's funny, and I want him to know that I'm glad he's my friend, and I want him to know that he has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. And I want to press my palm against his chest to feel it beat, to prove he's really here. — Stephanie Perkins

There's a clock on the wall. Press your hand against the face and turn it very slightly to the. Left. There'll be a click to tell you it's done."
"Sounds easy enough."
"Yes it does," said Sanguine. "Kiss for good luck?"
"Maybe later," said Gracious.
"How about a handshake?" Asked Donegan. — Derek Landy

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? — Steven Wright

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue. — Woody Allen

Puppies are cute. I'm fierce!"
"Yeah!" Evelyn snorted. "Romas says you're as fierce as a kitten."
"A kitten?" Kiera's tone grew more hurt. "I'm not afraid of him, just because he's twelve feet tall and can bench press me with his toes. It's not nice of him to say that — Lizzy Ford