Funny Percent Quotes & Sayings

You're funny.' Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. 'And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.'
'Ninety percent of Eastwood's male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally. — Robyn Schneider

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are. — Oliver Markus

Funny isn't it, that such a large percentage of people believe in the possibility of ghosts yet scoff at stories about then; whereas less than a fifth of one percent think there actually may be vampires, yet glamorize and romanticize them into millions of dollar of sales. Perhaps the real irony is that the thought of ghosts is just a little too close to people's comfort level. — D.L. Koontz

The reason why a man cannot stop staring at a woman ass is only because God has spent 80 percent of his time and efforts on woman ass and 20 percent on her entire body. — M.F. Moonzajer

My calculations - allowing for a 12 percent margin of error, based on the radius of the corresponding confidence interval and the surgeon general's warning - concluded that they probably didn't stay behind for the tacos. — Darynda Jones

I always thought when I was doing more melodramatic stuff like Everwood that the directors were constantly reeling me in and stopping me from being funny. I've always tried to find a funny angle on things, and 99 percent of the time, it just doesn't work. — Chris Pratt

- Obviously, we're hoping that the weather forecasters are wrong, the way they tend to be about ninety-eight percent of the time
A few adults chuckled at that lameness. I remember thinking, hoping, that I would never turn into the kind of person who though weather jokes were funny. — Siobhan Vivian

You don't want him," she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."
The girls stared. "Syphilis?"
"Five percent of people in America have it," said Ty helpfully.
"I do not have syphilis," Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!"
"Sorry," Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain. — Cassandra Clare

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.' — Joan Rivers

All of my books have an element of a man who is in love with somebody and needs them desperately, not just for procreation but for being able to fully unbosom himself. He only feels comfortable discussing things with women. Which is funny, because 80 percent of readers are women! — Gary Shteyngart

I showed what I can do with butter, right? Eighty-five percent increase in sales. I'm very proud of them Country Life ads. They were funny and clever and classy like the Toblerone ads I grew up with. — John Lydon

Don't you think it's funny that the presidents are still expected to build libraries when hardly anyone reads books? I read a study that said less than ten percent of adults read a book in the past year. — Dustin Lawson

The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent. — Calvin Trillin

What I do onstage, there's maybe .0001 percent of the population that acts like that. I talk like that because it makes me laugh, and because I know a couple of people that talk like that. They're really that Southern. And they do funny things. I love 'em; they're awesome. They're good people. — Larry The Cable Guy

Kylie stormed into Holiday's office. She dropped down into the seat across from the desk and looked her friend and camp leader right in the eyes. "I hate boys. I'm seriously considering going lesbian."
Holiday's expression was part grin, part groan. "If it was that easy, ninety percent of the women in the world would be gay." She made a funny little face and then asked, "So ... boy problems? — C.C. Hunter

Let's say I'm not feeling well, and somebody would say to me, 'Just do an easy show, just go out and do a light ... ' - I can't! I cannot do that kind of a show. I have to still put 150 percent into it, and it's funny: it's so healing to do that. — Gene Pitney

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent." — Demetri Martin

Talking about your troubles is no good. Eighty percent of your friends don't care and the rest are glad. — Tommy Lasorda

Growing and decaying vegetation in this land are responsible for 93 percent of the oxides of nitrogen. — Ronald Reagan

It's funny: I always, as a high school teacher and particularly as a high school yearbook teacher, because yearbook staffs are 90 percent female, I got to sit in and overhear teenage girl talk for many years. I like teenage girls; I like their drama, their foibles. And I think, 'I'll be good with a teenage daughter!' — Rob Thomas

Hey, check this weirdo out." Hi was inspecting a bust on the mantel. "This face is ninety percent eyebrow. What do you want to bet he owned slaves?"
Scowling to match the carving's expression, Hi spoke in a gravelly voice. "In my day, we ate the poor people. We had a giant outdoor grill, and we cooked up peasant steaks every Sunday." — Kathy Reichs

In junior high, there were a lot of really ugly guys who were popular because they made people laugh. I was like, "Wow, comedy is the great freer of hideous people." It was an incredibly liberating thing. If you ask a girl, "What do you want in a guy?" 99 percent are like, "I just want him to be funny." I thought, "If that applies to women, I'm set. — Mindy Kaling

Ben keeps bouncing his legs up and down.
"Will you stop that?"
"I've had to pee for three hours."
"You've mentioned that."
"I can feel the pee all the way up to my rib cage," he says. "I am honestly full of pee. Bro, right now, seventy percent of my body weight is pee."
"uh-huh," I say, barely cracking a smile. It's funny and all, but I'm tired.
"I feel like I might start crying, and that I'm going to cry pee."
That gets me. I laugh a little. — John Green

It's funny, I lived my first 38 years of my life with maybe one or two people ever saying that I looked like Greg Kinnear. As soon as I get into the entertainment industry, now it's 100 percent of people. — Greg Poehler

You know what's awkward?" David asked, the corner of his mouth lifting.
"Our entire existences?"
Now the grin was real. "That," he acknowledged. "And when you make a big, dramatic gesture because you think you're going to die, and then you-"
"Don't die," I finished for him, and he nodded.
"Exactly. Not that I'm not one hundred percent psyched that we didn't die, but ... — Rachel Hawkins

There were really funny characteristics about this guy [Richard Nixon], chief of which would be that he seemed to devote about 85 percent of his waking energy to suppressing any sign of his emotional response to anything that was going on around him, and the other 15 percent blurting out those authentic responses in the silliest and most inopportune ways. And he had these smiles that would come at the most inappropriate times - just flashes that there was an inner life screaming to get out. — Harry Shearer

The general systems of money management today require people to pretend to do something they can't do and like something they don't. It's a funny business because on a net basis, the whole investment management business together gives no value added to all buyers combined. That's the way it has to work. Mutual funds charge two percent per year and then brokers switch people between funds, costing another three to four percentage points. The poor guy in the general public is getting a terrible product from the professionals. — John C. Bogle

What was that you gave me to eat?" Winter panicked.
A Filler Crisp," Clover said, his eyes seventy percent concerned and thirty percent mischievous. — Obert Skye

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees. — Bo Burnham

Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy.
"I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break. — Janet Evanovich

There are people who know Hillary Clinton who tell wonderful stories about her, how likable she is, how funny she is; 99 percent of American people don't - have never seen that side of her. — Mark Shields

Poor, dear old Mack, he was ninety-eight per cent perfect. His two percent failing was that he had absolutely no idea of the value or the power of arbitration. He was the veteran of a hundred battles, and I never once could say to the other fellow, 'Your dog started it. — William S. Hart