Funny One Arm Quotes & Sayings

Blake hung an arm on my shoulders. "Alone at last."
"I'm right here," Logan said.
"Maybe you shouldn't be. — A&E Kirk

So these are the fresh meat, eh?" Zuko smirked.

I cringed when he said fresh meat. How demeaning.

"Well, I don't know how well all of you can fight. So I'll find out the quickest and simplest way." He raised a scarred arm and pointed it at all of us, "ATTACK THE FRESH MEAT! — L. Benitez

You like my forearms?
No, not yours in particular. I mean, they're fine. Just, it's a sexy body part.
I totally agree. I just didn't know girls liked them too.
Oh, yes, Daniel. All girls like forearms. Every single one. No really, I've asked all of us and we all agree. We don't even agree about whether or not the long arm of the law should be able to reach into our vaginas, but we agree about forearms. — Roan Parrish

Sylph and Jodi return to my side, each carrying a cloth sack full of chickweed. I wrap my arm around Sylph's waist and give her a quick squeeze. "Lesson's over for today. I have something to discuss with Logan."
"Sounds serious." Jodi wiggles her brows at me.
"I think that's just Rachel for 'I need to go kiss my boy.'" Sylph laughs when I glare at her. — C.J. Redwine

You can dress a pig up in satin and lace and its still a pig."
Francis smiled hazily. "Are you calling my intended a pig, Charles?"
Charles raised a dark eyebrow. "Intended what, Francis? You surely cant be having respectable inclinations towards this girl. The bullet hit your arm, not your head. — Anne Stuart

I have to console myself with the hope that I'd seen Isabeau soften, even hesitate, as if she might actually have taken my arm. It was suddenly very easy to picture her in a gown with petticoats and ringlets in her hair and diamonds at her throat. It was just as easy to picture Magda with horns and pitchfork. - Logan, page 95 — Alyxandra Harvey

I am so dying to know what cookies are slang for."
"Probably his cock," Jacob plopped down on the arm of the couch.
"Oh my God," I said, taking a handful of chips. I needed the calorie fortitude for where this
conversation was heading.
Brittany nodded. "Makes sense then. I mean, with the whole not sharing cookies with ugly girls."
"I don't think he really meant that," I said, popping a chip in my mouth. "So, back to our history
notes ... "
"Fuck history. Back to Cam's cock." Jacob said. "Do you know, if cookies is a code word for
cock, then that means his cock was in your mouth. — J. Lynn

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. — Steven Wright

Ranger slung an arm around me and hugged me into him, and I could feel him laughing. "It's not funny," I said. "Babe, I haven't got a lot of funny in my life. Let me enjoy the moment. — Janet Evanovich

Many years ago a very wise man named Bernard Baruch took me aside and put his arm around my shoulder. "Harpo my boy," he said, "I'm going to give you three pieces of advice, three things you should always remember." My heart jumped and I glowed with expectation. I was going to hear the magic password to a rich, full life from the master himself. "Yes sir?" I said. And he told me the three things. I regret that I've forgotten what they were. — Harpo Marx

Well, now," Mrs. Havisham said, all but purring as she leaned forward, ample cleavage on display. "You've grown up, haven't you? Tell me, Gustavo. What are your thoughts on having an experienced lover?"
"Not many," Gus said. "In fact, none at all. Also? I came out when I was thirteen. You were there. As was the whole town. Pastor Tommy announced it at the Fall Harvest Festival. On stage. Into a microphone. There was apple pie afterward."
"Still?" she said with an exaggerated pout.
"Yes," Gus said, deadpan as he could make it. "Still. Funny how that works."
"Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me," she said, dragging a pink fingernail down his arm. "My door is always open. Like my body."
"That's not even remotely healthy," Gus said with a sniff.
"Maybe that's why I need your protein," she said with a wink.
"Nope," Gus said. "Nope, nope, nope."
"You sure about that?"
"Maybe you should close that door. And your legs. — T.J. Klune

I go in on your arm and we separate. To make me look unavailable, since Vlad likes what he can't have, I play dumb blonde and make myself sexy." I glared as Adam barked with laughter at my words."No going off of the plan, when he takes you in the back room - and he will, you work the information out of him without blowing your cover, or him." I shot the glare to Ryder. "I have no intention of bobbing on Vlad's knob. Or yours." I tossed into remove the wide smirk my response had given him and it worked. — Amelia Hutchins

Absolutely," said Mikhail. "So it's you and me, Rose?"
"Yup," I said. "The fewer, the better. Just enough to question Sydney and Ian. I guess everyone else waits here."
Sonya kissed his cheek. "I'm not going anywhere."
Adrian has strolled over by now and given Jill a light, brotherly punch in the arm. "An i'm going to stay and hear how on earth you got involved with this, Jailbait. — Richelle Mead

I picked up the nearest weapon I could lay my hands on: a stapler. I lifted it, going for "menacing." I admit it lacked a certain elegance, but hey. It was worth a shot. David placed his hand on my arm and pushed it back down.
"What?"
"Just ... that's embarrassing for all of us," he replied. — Rachel Hawkins

He sent Eliza a small smile before turning to Lawrence. "What say you and I return to the hotel for a bit? I need to check on my daughter, and you need some time away from my sister." Not giving Lawrence an opportunity to reply, Grayson took him by the arm and hurried him out of the room.
It was lovely to have a big brother again. — Jen Turano

No punching?" he asked.
"No."
"No kicking?"
"No."
"How about arm wrestling?"
"No. And before you ask, we've avoided Slug Bug, Slap Bets, and any and all Dance-Offs."
Fate Succumbs — Tammy Blackwell

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck." — Rodney Dangerfield

It is not against the law to be a nincompoop. If so, I would have a rap sheet as long as my arm. — Sue Ann Jaffarian

Well, you look like something the cat dragged in," he remarked, immediately laying a hand on the warrior's forehead and closing his eyes in order to assess the damage done to the warrior's abused body.
Gideon did not understand why Elijah found his remark so terribly funny, but the warrior was laughing so hard that his nurse pinched him in the arm to stop him.
"I can't keep pressure with your chest bobbing up and down. Besides, Gideon will never be that funny," she said, giving him a cockeyed look. — Jacquelyn Frank

She committed suicide by putting her extremities down the garbage disposal-first one arm and then, kind of miraculously if you think about it, the other arm. — David Foster Wallace

Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious.
Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her.
"Why's this fish so bloody good?" he demanded, angrily. — Douglas Adams

Are you two you know?" Jacob pointed at us. " Together? Together? "
I didn't get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was no friendly peck on the lips. When our tongues touched, my bag slipped off my arm and hit the frosted ground.
"Holy crap," Jacob muttered. "I think they're going to make babies. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

No," he muttered, running a hand through his copper hair. "No. No. There are dozens."
"Kell?" she asked, moving to touch his arm.
He shook her off. "Dozens of ships, Lila! And you had to climb aboard his."
"I'm sorry," she shot back, bristling, "I was under the impression that I was free to do as I pleased."
"To be fair," added Alucard, "I think she was planning to steal it and slit my throat."
"Then why didn't you?" snarled Kell, spinning on her. "You're always so eager to slash and stab, why couldn't you have stabbed him? — V.E Schwab

She went back to Shane and settles in on his lap again, arm around his neck. His circled her waist. "I thought you had to go," he said. "And don't think i didn't see you kissing on my best friend."
"He deserved it."
"Yeah. Maybe i ought to kiss him, too."
Michael, on his way out, didn't bother to turn around for that one. "Oh sure, you always promise. — Rachel Caine

The other good thing was that I had enough rank to strong-arm Marjit into confessing that she'd been the one who'd told everything to Pa about my first invisibility cap, which was how Pa knew to come steal it. Unfortunately, since my rank in the surface world hung off Pa's, I did NOT have enough rank to take him to task for stealing my cap. So I just put him to sleep during a fancy dinner, so that he went facedown into the sour soup. Just the once. It eased my ire terrifically. — Merrie Haskell

Sudenly Garge spring up and walk to the wall to admire some modarn art hanging on Frank and Estele Catandas wall. Hes impressed. Frank and Estele have always had a traditienel sensibility when it come to aesthetic matter's. For as long as he knew it, this space on the wall was ocupied by a Normen Rockwell print of a smileing child with a cast on his arm eating a handful of bird seed out of the hand of the postman. But now its replace with this minimelist art work, a large black rectangle. He make out hes bald reflectien in the imposibly smooth black surfece. It look like something that should be hang in the Moma (Museum Of Modarn Art).
"This is beauteful," Garge remark. "It seem like a stark comentary on the end of art. Who designe this?"
"Not art," Frank go. "Thats a televisien. — Seinfeld 2000

In Norwegian that would be 'hun ma dra. Kanskje er hun gravid.'" Astley sttempts to smile.
i can't help teasing him. "Which? Asking to go to the bathroom or dissing me because I'm pregnant."
"you are with child?" his eyes open wid, all mock terrified.
"No! Shut up. You know I'm not." I punch him in the arm and then lead him into the stairwell, shutting the door behind us. "Okay. Seriously, Astley, what happened to you? Why is your head bleeding? — Carrie Jones

Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne. — Daniel Waters

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together". — Mitch Hedberg

We'll take care of the cooking, Gram, so you can relax." When he and Cat both looked at her, Emma blushed. "Okay, fine. Sean will take care of the grilling so you can relax."
"I was counting on it. And, Sean, why don't you sit down and help us settle on a wedding date."
"I told Emma to tell me when to be there and I'd be there."
"Nonsense. Sit down."
He'd rather be dipped in barbecue sauce and dropped in the desert, but he sat. One more week and it would be over.
Then he wouldn't have to think about Emma anymore. Not think about marrying her or having babies with her or holding her in his arms at night. He'd be gone and she'd be some funny story his brothers brought up sitting around the fire knocking back beer.
"Really, Sean, are you okay?" Cat asked him, putting her hand on his arm.
He realized he'd been rubbing his chest, and he forced himself to lean forward and prop his arms on the table so he wouldn't do it again. "I'm fine. Let's pick a date. — Shannon Stacey

Day had gotten a little nervous during one session when the doctor asked God how he would handle someone hurting Day now and his lover responded by jerking one side of his leather coat open and pulling his long blade from its sheathe.

"Easy, I'd cut their fucking arm off and beat the shit out of them with it," he'd said.

But Day quickly started laughing and told the concerned doctor that his partner was just playing.

After popping God hard in his stomach, God agreed and said he was indeed joking. When the doctor went back to writing on her legal pad, God mouthed to him, "No I'm not. — A.E. Via

Leo took out a pen and autographed the arm of one of the nymphs. Narcissus is a loser! He's so weak, he can't bench-press a Kleenex. He's so lame, when you look up lame on Wikipedia, it's got a picture of Narcissus - only the picture's so ugly, no one ever checks it out. — Rick Riordan

Besides, there's no one way to be a girl, Tay. You don't need to fit yourself into what society tells us a girl should be. Girls can be whoever they want. Whether that's an ass-kicking, sarcastic, crime-solving FBI Agent or a funny, gorgeous, witty beauty queen--or both at the same time." She swings an arm around me and pulls me in.

"Are you happy the way you are? Are you comfortable? Do you feel like yourself?"

The corner of my mouth lifts into a half smile. "Yes. Yes. And yes."

"Then that's all that matters. Fuck everything else. — Jen Wilde

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid." — Louis C.K.

I have a dream.
And in this dream I'm under the covers in bed, just a few scant inches away from Carter's body. I stare at his prone form lying next to me, the greenish-blue glow from the alarm clock on the bedside table providing just enough illumination for me to see the shallow rise and fall of his chest. The sheet is draped low over his hips as he sleeps peacefully with one arm flung over his eyes and the other resting on his taut, naked stomach. I slide my body ever so slowly across the bed, careful not to disturb him, until I'm so close I can feel the heat from his skin warming me from head to toe. I pull my arms out from under the sheet and my hands reach out towards him. I connect with his smooth, muscular chest, slide my fingers up his body, and ... choke the ever living shit out of him. — Tara Sivec

Last semester was intense," I said to Dad.

"Intense?" he echoed, picking up my file. "Let's see. On your first day at Hecate, you were attacked by a werewolf. You insulted a teacher, which resulted in semester-long cellar duty with one Archer Cross. According to the notes, the two of you became 'close.' Apparently close enough for you to see the mark of L'Occhio di Dio on his chest.

I flushed at that, and felt Mom's arm tighten around me. Over the past six months, I'd filled her in on a lot of the story with Archer, but not all of it.

Specifically, the whole me-making-out-in-the-cellar-with-a-murderous-warlock-working-with-the-Eye-part. — Rachel Hawkins

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we've found ways to amuse ourselves."
"Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"
Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."
He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.
They both let go, laughing.
"Naw," Plight said," we just play board games. — Derek Landy

They always loved my sense of humor. There used to be a light switch inside one of the nurseries that was a cutout of Jesus putting his arm around two children on each side of him as he towered above them. The switch was ironically located in the spot of where his penis would have been and I was the first to point this out. Everyone thought it was funny until I started singing the childhood church song "Jesus Loves the Little Children." In fear of being struck by lightning or being involved in a massive pile-up car accident after leaving, their laughing ceased. I still thought it was funny. — Chase Brooks

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy." — Dave Attell

Jay bent over the table, and the muscles in his arm stood proud as he drew the cue back. In one swift motion, he sent it cracking into the white, the other balls soon spinning across the green felt.
"Your turn," he handed her the cue, eyes glinting wickedly. "Need me to look after your end? Of the pool cue, I mean."
"I'm quite capable of looking after my own end, thanks," Kayla replied archly, and quickly ran the chalk over her cue. "I know the importance of taking care of the tip. — Libby Cole

A lot of modern comedies are difficult to watch too, because they're so ironic and so detached and so quote-unquote clever. They kind of keep you at arm's length. They can be really funny, but they're not really nourishing. — Ty Burrell

Nobody fights with Jerry because you know the price would be too high. You might come out the winner, at his age, you might even lick him, but you'd lose an eye, an arm, your testicles in the process, everything would be gone. — Frank Layden

But Jackal gave a low, humorless chuckle. 'Oh you bastard.' He smiled, shaking his head and staring up at the barn. 'That's cute. Let's see if you're as funny when I'm beating you to death with your own arm. — Julie Kagawa

I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor.
-from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend. — J.L. Langley

The dust made Lily cough. She buried her face in the crook of her arm to muffle the noise. But behind all that wood, they probably could play the 1812 Overture with real cannons and nobody would hear them. — Ellie McDonald

The human body is a funny machine. When you want to move something - say, your arm - the brain actually sends two signals at the same time: "More power!" and "Less power!" The operating system that runs the body automatically holds some power back to avoid overexerting and tearing itself apart. Not all machines have that built - in safety feature. You can point a car at a wall, slam the accelerator to the floor, and the car will crush itself against the wall until the engine is destroyed or runs out of gas.
Martial arts use every scrap of strength the body has at its disposal. In martial arts training, you punch and shout at the same time. Your "Shout louder!" command helps to override the "Less power!" command. With practice, you can throttle the amount of power your body holds back. In essence, you're learning to channel
the body's power to destroy itself. — Hiroshi Sakurazaka

You've always been there for me. Always. Even when I ... " V
"Even when you what?" B
"You know." V
"What?" B
"Fuck. Even when I was in love with you. Or some shit." V
Butch clasped his hands to his chest. "Was? Was? I can't believe you've lost interest." He threw one arm over his eyes, all Sarah Bernhardt. "My dreams of our future are shattered - " B
"Shut it, cop." V
Butch looked out from under his arm. "Are you kidding me? The reality show I had planned was fantastic. Was going to pitch it to VH1. Two Bites Are Better Than One. We were going to make millions ." B
"Oh, for the love. — J.R. Ward

Harper, I ... "
You don't have to say it."
I don't?"
I know."
You know what?"
I lean against him, nestling in the crook of his arm. I talk into his neck. I don't need to be able to see to find the parts of him I know.
That morning in the trailer, when we had it to ourselves, and you made me breakfast, I wondered whether you would tell me you loved me, if you'd ever tell me, and I looked at you, and I thought you were going to say it, but instead you went off on a tangent about boysenberry jam."
And?"
And it was funny. And it was close enough to the real thing for me. Just sitting there with you like that."
Boysenberry jam?"
Boysenberry jam."
Harper," he whispers into my hair.
Yeah?"
I boysenberry jam you. — Dana Reinhardt

Whatcha got there?" Drake asked, nodding to the floor. "Snacks for me." I winked. "Well, now I'm offended." He fake pouted, scooting away from me in his seat, which made it even more funny because there was nowhere for him to go in the tiny car. "Why is that?" Nothing wrong with playing along, besides, he was cute when he was fake-mad. What was I saying? He was cute ALL the time. He turned to me and slid his arms around my waist, pulling me close. Far off, I caught a whiff of his scent. Mmm. Delicious. "It's just that I thought I was your snack on the go." His breath danced on my cheek, dangerously close to my lips. I giggled before I could stop myself. "Do you really want me to suck you dry?" "Mmm, that sounds like an offer I can't refuse." He raised his eyebrows and flashed a naughty grin. "Don't be dirty, I didn't mean that." I slapped his arm for good measure. "Is that all you think of me as - some kind of slutty vampire? — Karly Kirkpatrick

It's not funny, Kacey!" I hiss. "That guy forced himself on me!"
She rolls her eyes but then, after a long pause, she sighs. "Yeah, you're right." Reaching over, she pinches the guy's arm without hesitation. "Hey, buddy!"
"You do that to her again and I'll sneak into your room and rip your balls off while you sleep, capisce?" she warns with a pointed finger. Most times my sister's threats involve the mutilation of testicles. — K.A. Tucker

What was that? Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn't escalate to the dreaded purple nurple. — Molly Harper

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war."
"The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles? — Rick Riordan

You really think love needs to have a future?"
"Absolutely."
"Good," Lily said. "So do I."
"Good," I echoed, leaning in. "So do you."
"Don't repeat what I say," she told me, swatting at my arm.
"Don't repeat what I say," I murmured, smiling.
"You're being silly," she said, but the silliness was falling out of her voice.
"You're being silly," I assured her.
"Lily is the greatest girl who ever was."
I drew closer. "Lily is the greatest girl who ever was."
For a moment, I think we'd forgotten where we were.
And then the officers returned, and we were reminded once again. — David Levithan

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn't tell if it was because you were sad or because you'd been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling you that I'd just heard from the cops, and your mother had been murdered. Before I got to the punch line you started sobbing in a different manner, so I realized you'd been laughing earlier. By that time the mood had changed, and I decided it best not to deliver the punch line after all. So I sat down next to you and put my arm around you and tried to console you for your perceived loss. — Dora J. Arod

A cool hand touched my arm. I jerked back. "Don't! You'll burn!"
"I'm used to it." Ayden's brown eyes twinkled. "In fact, I've been told I'm smokin'." He held out a hand, his voice soft. "By an incredible redhead who I wish, for once, knew she could trust me. — A&E Kirk

I started down but Sam caught my arm and knelt down himself to look.
"For crying out loud," he said. "It's a racoon."
"Poor thing," I said.
"It could be a rabid baby-killer," Cole told me primly.
"Shut up," Sam said pleasantly. — Maggie Stiefvater

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it' — Tommy Cooper

Josh squeezed her arm. "I'll behave," he murmured. "For now."
She's going to pickle your cucumbers."
"He has more than one?" Natalie whispered.
"That's between me and Kimmie," Josh replied. — Jamie Farrell

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!' — Russell Howard

Don't look now, but that's my ex over there."
Surely I'm not the only one who takes "don't look now" as "there's no better time than now." I looked.
"Bad, Ali!" Another slap to my arm. "Bad, bad, bad Ali! Have you no self control? — Gena Showalter

What is that?" Dad said, looking at the doll.
"It's called the Scream," I said.
"I know that, but what us it?" Dad said.
"Maybe she sleeps with it," I said to Dad as he tucked it under his arm.
"Then no wonder it's screaming," he said. — Douglas Rees

Marc's hand tightened visibly around Kevin's fingers, his digits going white. Again. Both men clenched their jaws, Kevin in pain, and Marc in an obvious effort to control his temper and keep from breaking Kevin's hand. Off. Why couldn't guys find a more original way to test each other's manly prowess? Arm wrestling might have been more subtle. Or maybe comparing the length of their ... canines. — Rachel Vincent

Coca-Cola remains emblematic of the best and worst of America and Western civilization. The history of Coca-Cola is the often funny story of a group of men obsessed with putting a trivial soft drink "within an arm's reach of desire." But at the same time, it is a microcosm of American history. Coca-Cola grew up with the country, shaping and shaped by the times. The drink not only helped to alter consumption patterns, but attitudes toward leisure, work, advertising, sex, family life, and patriotism. — Mark Pendergrast

Connor tries to hold her arm to give her support, but she shakes him off and throws him a nasty gaze. "If I want your help, I'll ask. Do I look feeble to you?"
"Actually, yes."
"Looks are deceiving." she says. " After all, when I saw you, I thought you looked reasonably intelligent."
"Very funny. — Neal Shusterman

I'm trying to decide whether to tell you two to get a room or go barf in the trash can," Emma said. "I'm leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross."
Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma's comments, only made me blush more. Looks like Emma saw Cal lick my face after all.
Now that wasn't awkward or anything. — E.J. Stevens

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph]
Since I'm an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn't care less
it's not like it'll have any impact on me, since by definition I will be completely extinguished. I guess if someone twisted my arm and forced me to provide an epitaph, it would be 'Don't forget.' Sound advice ... — Richard Bartle

Nessa held her arm up. She was staring at it, trying to gauge how big that was. "Dude, that's as big as my arm. That's like being f****d by a limb dude!" She wiggled her arm back and forth. "That's not normal. — Erin Jamison

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do! — Robin Williams