Funny Louis C.k. Quotes & Sayings

I never go about a new project as if I'm trying ot redefine myself. I just like to work, and I'm excited by material I find challenging and - if it's a comedy - exceptionally funny. — Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even. — Louis C.K.

It's funny how a person can be right all the time and still be wrong. — Louis Sachar

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh ... I guess I said something, and, uh ... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she ... " Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it." — Louis C.K.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December. — Louis C.K.

Had be been Shakespeare, he would then have written Troilus and Cressidato brand the offending sex; but being only a little dog, he began to bite them. — Robert Louis Stevenson

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. — Louis XIV

I got on with Louis from the word go. We're very similar and I like the fact that he has this ability to be nice to everyone while living totally for the moment. It puts a smile on your face when you see someone like that. I feel I can tell him anything, and I felt like that straight away. He can be really funny one minute, but if someone has a problem he can go into serious mode straight away and he gives really good advice. — One Direction

Madame will forgive me for not perceiving her busyness. It is a sign of the highest breeding to be able to be busy whilst appearing idle to the uninformed observer. — Louis De Bernieres

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' — Louis C.K.

People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any? I didn't either." — Louis C.K.

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home. — Louis C.K.

I don't have sex drive ... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'. — Louis C.K.

Dixon was not unconscious of this awed reverence which was given to her; nor did she dislike it; it flattered her as much as Louis the Fourteenth was flattered by his courtiers shading their eyes from the dazzling light of his presence. — Elizabeth Gaskell

Adventure is nothing but a romantic name for trouble. — Louis L'Amour

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining ... "Sir, could you please stop?" — Louis C.K.

You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin." — Louis C.K.

Ernie thought - what's the expression? - that he had a couple of kangaroos loose in the top paddock. — Louis Nowra

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there." — Louis C.K.

It's funny, I started by making fake American movies, 'The Transporter' and stuff like that. I was shooting in France, but everything was in English. But then afterwards, I was looking at real French movies like the Jacques Audiard movies. — Louis Leterrier

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two. — Louis C.K.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!" — Louis C.K.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth. — Louis C.K.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited ... and for me it was between the two buildings going down ... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win. — Louis C.K.

Yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared I might kill Schmeling. — Joe Louis

Now you be careful in the real world" said Armpit " Not everyone is as nice as us. — Louis Sachar

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid." — Louis C.K.

What are the chances that you'd be there? It's funny sometimes the way the world works. Makes you think there's got to be a reason things turn out the way they do." -Louis — Michelle Schlicher

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. — Louis C.K.

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?' — Louis C.K.

I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English - I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer. — Louis C.K.

The game in St. Louis has been halted in the fourth inning because of rain. I'll bet they have the jacuzzis going there. — Jerry Coleman

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy. — Louis C.K.

There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online. — Louis C.K.

Only a complete alcoholic can think life is funny ... any life! ... — Louis-Ferdinand Celine

When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together! — Louis Tomlinson

Doing actual comedic material is just about the most joyful endeavor ever. That's the truth. The only time it's not funny is when business gets in the way. — Julia Louis-Dreyfus

I was hoping that the first time you expressed affection for me, it would not be in a room full of strangers. And that you would not have just said it to a sniveling creature like that Raymond!"
"I expressed affection for Ray?"
"Yes!"
"Man, I really must be drunk." Louis-Cesare just looked at me. I blinked politely back, until I realized that he expected a response. — Karen Chance

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like ... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person." — Louis C.K.

You can find something funny in anything! I'm sick as a dog and falling to bits, but I'll give up joking only after I give up the ghost! my last gasp! The proof, here, with only an eighth of a glimmer of light, things oozing out of my asshole, my armpits, and the elbows, too, blood coming out of the eyes, from the soupy mess of my grave, me whistling a tune, that's what you'll hear! A regular blackbird! — Louis-Ferdinand Celine

Once more Mary Jo, Bobby, Kevin, Dennis, Raymond, Lucille, Frankie, Coddles, Lyle, John, Andy, Miss Ursula, Jim, Lonnie, Postmaster Jones, William, Travis, Todd, Tony, Dennis M. . . . On the ride home from Sheriff's office, everyone was again on porches or at windows. Daron didn't call out their names this time, and this time no one waved. Where do the black people live? In the front yards! It was funny. (I guess that's better than the back of the bus, Louis had later added. Daron had thought that funny, too.) Louis's absence was always noticeable. Though skinny, he'd filled space like a fat man on a crowded elevator, except a welcome addition, not someone who provoked strangers to regard each other with situational solidarity. He had, in fact, induced people to regard each other with suspicion, to question the known. — T. Geronimo Johnson

On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded." — Yogi Berra

I spent nine days in the Downtown Los Angeles City Jail. The judge gave me a suspended sentence and I went to work that night - wailed just like nothing happened. What strucked me funny though - I laughed real loud when several movie stars came up to the bandstand while we played a dance set and told me, when they heard about me getting caught with marijuana, they thought marijuana was a chick. Woo boy - that really fractured me! — Louis Armstrong

When I'm at home alone, I run up the stairs naked. It's quite funny. — Louis Tomlinson

Every man has a sane spot somewhere. — Robert Louis Stevenson

Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt. — Louis C.K.

Fuck it ... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man. — Louis C.K.

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!" — Louis C.K.

It's because his wife left him. That's why he's acting funny. She left him the other night. While she was putting her bags into the taxi he was outside on the footpath begging her to stay. On his knees! Why are men so embarrassing?
Bev — Louis Nowra

I remember my fourth grade teacher reading 'Charlotte's Web' and 'Stuart Little' to us - both, of course, by E. B. White. His stories were genuinely funny, thought provoking and full of irony and charm. He didn't condescend to his readers, which was why I liked his books, and why I wasn't a big reader of other children's' books. — Louis Sachar

To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw. — Louis C.K.

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! — Robert Louis Stevenson

It's funny how you can go from hating a girl to maybe liking her, maybe liking her a lot, just because she shows a little interest in you. — Louis Sachar

I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom. — Julia Louis-Dreyfus

If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police. — Robert Louis Stevenson

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny. — Louis C.K.

Look at your eyes. You've got bigger bags than Louis Vuitton. — Matt Dunn